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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband went out with couples friends without me

226 replies

Flobird61 · 18/04/2017 06:24

I'll try to make a long story short. My husband wanted to take me to a concert but waited for the last minute and could only get 1 ticket. I wanted to go with him so he said if he couldn't get another ticket he would sell his. A group of his couple friends we're going so we'd make a night of it.
Well he couldn't get another ticket so I said that it wasn't really fair to go on his own so he should sell it. Well he didn't and buggered off to this concert with all of his friends he was the only single one. Then to rub salt into the wound I had to watch pictures all evening popping up on FB with selfies of them all.
It really upset me and it caused a massive row. He said he was really sorry but it didn't look like that from his pictures.
I would have never done this to him.
AIBU

Ps. I don't mind if he has nights out without me but this felt we should have gone together

OP posts:
bigchris · 18/04/2017 06:54

Aw it does sound a bit mean of him, the chivalrous thing to do would have been for him to give you his ticket and get stayed home

rizlett · 18/04/2017 06:55

Is it that you felt left out op? (and not really much to do with the buying/selling whatever of a concert ticket at all?)

I would have felt left out too - and even though I would have been happy for my DP to go - and wanted him to enjoy himself - another part of me would have been jealous of everyone having a nice time and me feeling hurt.

But then I would have realised that's just being a child and not grown up at all and I'd let it all go and either arrange another date together or do something lovely for myself.

KateDaniels2 · 18/04/2017 06:57

the chivalrous thing to do would have been for him to give you his ticket and get stayed home

Why?

Penhacked · 18/04/2017 06:57

Honestly though it is a mean and selfish thing to do on his part unless it is very much his kind of e.n music/comedy and not yours. If you are both equally interested I would see his behaviour as pretty selfish. I would probably still have let him go though so we didn't both have a ruined night but probably have felt pretty sad that night.

rizlett · 18/04/2017 06:58

Also - tell us what concert we all miss out on OP and then we can decide if it was worth missing or going to!

RitzyMcFee · 18/04/2017 06:58

I think there is a difference between you and he both wanting to go to a concert and him wanting to take you to a concert. The first implies you were not the main driving force in wanting to go, so if there was only one ticket you would be the more obvious person to not go to it.

If he said he wouldn't go without you when he bought the ticket then he's been a right twat.

But your OP you said it was you who said that if he couldn't get another ticket he should sell it. Not him who said he would sell it. I don't see why he should sell it if he didn't want to sell it. I would have been pissed off with.mself and my dh if it were me for not getting the tickets sooner if it was something we both wanted to go to but I would have been perfectly happy for my dh to go with his friends rather than us both missing out. Because I love him and I want him to have a nice life.

Either if it's a once in a lifetime thing in which case it's better than one of you goes than neither of you or it's something that will happen again in which case you can both go together next time.

Chloe84 · 18/04/2017 06:58

I don't think you're BU. He sounds selfish. I think he always intended on going. Saying he would sell it was a half-hearted attempt to mollify you. Maybe he was expecting you to urge him to go alone.

Did he offer for you to go with the others and he stay home?

Is he selfish in other ways?

Westfacing · 18/04/2017 06:58

My husband wanted to take me to a concert....

So presumably it was something that you particularly would have enjoyed, in which case he should have given you the ticket and he stay at home.

Original poster
Flobird61 · 18/04/2017 06:59

It's his friends from childhood but there also my friends just like my friends are his friends.

Like I said we have nights out without each other we are not joined at the hip but it was a night with all couples.

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 18/04/2017 07:01

Its all about interpretation west i assume that meant it was more his interest. Rather than her wanting to go.

Crisscrosscranky · 18/04/2017 07:01

You sound like hard work. I'd have only bought one ticket too...

rizlett · 18/04/2017 07:03

Life's too short OP.....

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/04/2017 07:05

I think it's a bit mean of him - yes of course it's ok for only one half of a couple to go to a concert but the generous thing to do is to offer the ticket to the other person or for there to be some sort of discussion over who should have the ticket.

Just to clutch the one ticket to himself and in effect say "I'm going and tough you can't" then to gloat about it all over social media seems selfish and rather unkind.

Dizzywizz · 18/04/2017 07:06

I think he was mean. If it was my dh, he would have sold the ticket and then we could have chosen something else to go to together. The only exception I think would be if one of you particularly wanted to go, like it was your favourite singer, and then I think it would be fine to go individually.

ScarletForYa · 18/04/2017 07:08

You're being a dog in the manger there OP.

GinIsIn · 18/04/2017 07:08

So his childhood friends, not couple friends, who also happen to have partners? What if one of them didn't have a girlfriend? Would you expect them to not go either because it's only couples? I'm sorry but they aren't your friends in the same way they are his friends and that really does make it mean spirited of you that you'd want him to miss out.

Not to mention, my close friends all have DHs who I socialise with regularly and like very much but if we were all planning on doing something together and one of them said their DH wouldn't let them come because he couldn't come too, I would think a lot less of their DH as a person, and actually worry about how controlling their behaviour was.

Original poster
Flobird61 · 18/04/2017 07:09

Yes I did feel left out it was a bit rubbish seeing loads of pictures popping up all evening of everyone enjoying the night and me not being part of it.

Things have been really strained with us both for a while due to illnesses with me and in the family so I was looking forward to a night out with my husband to listen to good music and dance all night.
I felt it was something that we both needed to ease the strain.

Not because I'm controlling but because I wanted to spend time with him.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 18/04/2017 07:10

I think the OP is being given an unnecessarily hard time.

There was a concert, they talked about going. Whether he wanted to take her or she wanted to go - it's all semantics really. The fact here is that they discussed going to the concert together but they left it too late to get tickets and then dh's friend who was running the door said never mind, he would just let them in. Then it turned out he couldn't but one ticket came up for sale and the DH bought it saying "I'll buy another ticket somewhere and if I can't get one then I'll sell the one I've got."

So time moves on and it turns out that he can't get another ticket, so OP says "you should sell the other ticket," except that he then decides that he doesn't want to sell the ticket and he goes out alone with the couple's friendship group.

IMO the point at which things should have been done differently was the point where only one ticket came up for sale. At that point, given they were planning to go together, they should have discussed, and either agreed that one or the other would go with just one ticket, or not bought the one ticket in the knowledge that another one might not come up.

If my partner bought just one ticket to an event saying he'd try and get another one and then didn't and went out without me with our mutual friends I would be thinking that he'd planned it that way all along and never wanted me to go in the first place.

It's hurtful. No of course there's nothing wrong with individual partners going out with friends on their own but to plan an evening out and then make it so only one can go and the other is left out seems a bit underhand.

Also, if you're part of a group of couples and all of those couples go out together and you end up being the only one left out it is hurtful.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 18/04/2017 07:14

to be honest I think your DP should have offered you the ticket to go. If he planned to take you out and could only get one, surely the right thing to do would be to give you the option of going with your friends and then if you said no, he could go instead

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/04/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/04/2017 07:17

Aww, feeling left out can be a really miserable feeling Flowers

I would be upset too - because he told you he wouldn't go without you and went anyway. He obviously intended to go all along, so why didn't he have the balls to say that from the beginning?

It's not about OP not "allowing" him to go alone, it's the pretty shitty way he went about it.

Ecureuil · 18/04/2017 07:18

I can see why you're hurt OP.
However in this scenario, at the point at which there was only one ticket available and DH said he'd sell it id have said 'no don't be silly, no point us both missing you. You go and we'll do something nice together next week'. I just can't imagine expecting DH to sell the ticket.
He shouldn't have said he was going to sell it if he had no intention of it, but I imagine he was expecting you to tell him to go anyway, as I think that's what most people would do.

fiorentina · 18/04/2017 07:18

If you both wanted to go and there was only one ticket neither of you should have gone. I don't understand why it's selfish of the OP, her DH could have given her the ticket not just kept it for himself his behaviour sounds totally inconsiderate to me.

DameDeDoubtance · 18/04/2017 07:19

My goodness, it's like cool girl central round here at the moment, can't move for all the man pleasers.

He was really selfish, I cannot imagine behaving like that, in fact you would have been shredded if you had come on here and said that you had done that to him.

GinIsIn · 18/04/2017 07:19

Well presumably the DH didn't offer OP the one ticket because they are his childhood friends not hers.