AIBU husband went out with couples friends without me

[Flobird61]

I'll try to make a long story short. My husband wanted to take me to a concert but waited for the last minute and could only get 1 ticket. I wanted to go with him so he said if he couldn't get another ticket he would sell his. A group of his couple friends we're going so we'd make a night of it.
Well he couldn't get another ticket so I said that it wasn't really fair to go on his own so he should sell it. Well he didn't and buggered off to this concert with all of his friends he was the only single one. Then to rub salt into the wound I had to watch pictures all evening popping up on FB with selfies of them all.
It really upset me and it caused a massive row. He said he was really sorry but it didn't look like that from his pictures.
I would have never done this to him.
AIBU

Ps. I don't mind if he has nights out without me but this felt we should have gone together

^^

Exactly this Husky

If you had a conversation about it and he asked if you minded if he went on his own that would have gone down much better I am sure.

To tell you he is taking you to a concert, pretends that he will sell the ticket and instead of talking it through with you he just tells you that he is going is horrible.

I do expect kindness in my marriage and it's basic kindness to talk it through with the other person.

If anyone thinks it is ok for someone to do this without so much as a conversation about it then I assume they lack kindness in their marriage. There are nicer ways of dealing with these situations. His way was horrible.

Oh sorry, I see you did have a quick discussion about it.

Which means he told you he was going and that was that basically?

Sounds like he thoroughly enjoyed his night out, even though he knew you were alone, left out and miserable.

Where's the love?

Hmm, I'm on the fence with this one!
I'd usually be very much in the camp of no reason you should both miss out. But I think it's how he's dealt with it, it seems a bit too convenient that he could get one ticket for him and I don't think he had intention of selling it.
So no I don't think your are being unreasonable!

I don't necessarily think he did anything wrong although it kind of depends how he went about it. I probably would have told him to go without me but my husband never goes anywhere and I would love him to just get out there! If I was the one always at home and he normally goes out I might feel differently if he insisted he went and didn't offer me to go with the single ticket (assuming the friends are both our friends and not just his iyswim). I get why you are disappointed. Maybe arrange another night out and get two tickets next time. Best to have something to look forward to and not dwell on it too much.

Sorry, but if this was the other way around and a woman was posting that her partner was behaving like this there would be shouts of 'man child', 'red flags' and 'LTB'.

I'm sorry you've been ill OP and I can understand you being a bit disappointed but it's just one of those things.

I don't think he was underhand. I think he said he wouldn't go and he'd sell the ticket because in 99.99% of this situation the other person would say 'no, you go, have a nice time'. And he waited and waited for you to say it and you didn't so he went.

I imagine you're still feeling extra vulnerable at the moment so it's understandable that you have reacted like this, but you're still BU.

Just wanted to say re. Friendships. Be careful. These are his friends, and you are his partner. You may get along with them but they are his childhood friends and if you split up you'd never see them again. That is clear from his actions. He has basically told you he cares more about having a good night with his friends than making you feel left out, so I would be cultivating my own friendships outside of his group if I were you honestly.

OP, is it possible that he sees getting over the stress of your illness etc differently to you? It sounds as if you've been through a really hard time recently, and that he has been there and has been supportive. Obviously illness affects different people differently, i.e. You are the one with the illness but as your supporter/the person who has been caring for you he will have been affected in his own way iyswim.

Is it possible that he saw going to this concert alone as his deserving some time away from you given all you've been through together, whereas for you you would have preferred some together time now that things are getting back on track?

I was seriously ill last year, and was acutely aware that my illness affected everyone around me, and I sent DP to visit friends without me because we usually see them around that time of year. He didn't feel he needed it, but I would have understood if he had.

Could your DH be feeling like he needs some time out and his friends helped him to facilitate that?

Ps, I still think he went about it wrong, but talk to him

I'm not sure about the different ideas, maisy. I get the feeling from the OP that she views it that way because he'd led her to believe it was that sort of evening.

Until he realised that they couldn't both go and decided she got to stay at home.

I think it's difficult without knowing what the concert was. But if it was a big name arena show, why would he have thought his mate would get him in? And unless it was standing he wouldn't have got a seat with his mates surely? If it was a smaller gig, it's unusual not to be able to pick a ticket up somewhere, even if you have to pay over the usual price.
My boyfriend got tickets to stone roses ages ago, but only managed to get seats, then a mate got him a standing ticket. I've said I'll take a friend in the seats, he can stand. But if I was really bothered there are standing tickets out there.
So I do wonder how hard he tried.

Op I think yanbu to be upset. DH and I are always considerate of each other when booking / planning nights out and I don't think your Thoughts / feelings needs have been taken into consideration here really. He wanted to go, he brought himself a ticket and said whatever he needed to keep you quiet before skulking off the morning of the event after a brief conversation where he knew you weren't happy.

I could be way off base here, but it doesn't sound like an isolated incident. You've posted some other examples, taking his son to a concert and sleeping at a festival, where his needs have been put first. I think this is the problem, sounds to me like he is selfish and puts his own needs first where you have to put your needs second to accommodate his.

Why are people rewriting history on this? He wasn't disorganised, he didn't leave it too late. A friend was supposed to be getting them in free and only couldn't when it sold out.

taking his son to a concert and sleeping at a festival, where his needs have been put first

So spending time with his son is 'putting his needs first'. Yes, spending time with your children rather than your new partner makes you a terrible person.

I think your husband has been (at best) selfish and possibly even rather underhand.

I agree with most of what Huskylover said.

I don't understand why, having been able to only get one ticket, your husband did not at least suggest you both toss a coin for it, or something, to make it fair.

Flobird, is it possible that he only ever intended to get one ticket, seeing it as a 'mates night out'?

WannaBe I've always been mindful of my husband family and friends with my illness and I certainly suggested he went out with friends and family last year without me as there were days I just couldn't manage people. He always hated going but enjoyed himself which of course I wanted. And of course I still do. When this concert came up he planned for us both to go and wanted us both to go. Things change I understand but it was how he went about it.

Mine wouldn't of dreamed of doing that...but...in that situation we would of both been telling the other to go..then probably tossed a coin for it

I think he said he wouldn't go and he'd sell the ticket because in 99.99% of this situation the other person would say 'no, you go, have a nice time'. And he waited and waited for you to say it and you didn't so he went.
I'd run with this because if you look at lots of people on this thread this is exactly what we'd have said to our partners.

But if it was a big name arena show, why would he have thought his mate would get him in? And unless it was standing he wouldn't have got a seat with his mates surely? If it was a smaller gig, it's unusual not to be able to pick a ticket up somewhere, even if you have to pay over the usual price.
At least its not just me with that view.

Ive taken it as smaller gig. Informal arrangements. Could only get one ticket after the arrangement with a friend fell through. If it was so important as a weekend away etc then instead of both OP an DH relying on favours they'd have both booked tickets when going first came up.

If the DH had been disorganised when the arrangement with friends for free entry fell through Id he irritard by his lack of organisation but it's hardly crime if the century.

@BillSykesDog I presume that 'people' comment was aimed at me?

I'm on my phone so can't multi quote, but op said:

Last year he went to a concert with his son I even drove them to London left them for the day and picked them up

Surely if he can make his own way to an event with friends he could have organised to take his child to London without expecting the op to drive there and back?

She also posted about being sick with cancer and sleeping on a picnic blanket at a festival all day as she didn't want to spoil his fun.

These are 3 clear to me examples where his needs have come above hers. And my point was that I think this is the problem, not if she is bu to be upset.

I also said I may be off base. But I haven't rewritten history.

Your husband should have let you toss a coin to decide who went, if it really was impossible to get another ticket. YANBU.

Husband's behaviour sounds all-round dodgy. He didn't buy tickets because his mate was going to let them in through the back door? I don't think so, unless mate was keen to be sacked. Venue doors generally have CCTV and more than one doorman. That part of his story sounds like complete rubbish to me. And all his mates bought tickets in plenty of time. My guess would be - so did he.

He had no intention of taking OP with him. He just spun stories to fob her off, then went and did exactly what he wanted. Didn't want her cramping his complete lack of style. Probably still has the hump from the last concert - "I was looking forward to night with my partner and friends as the last time we all went to a music festival I slept on a picnic blanket a lot of the day because my husband wouldn't go without me and I didn't want to ruin his day." She was sleeping because she was tired from chemotherapy - but she didn't want to ruin his day? Fuck me.

YANBU to feel hurt OP. And I'd be thinking over the rest of his behaviour in the past six months for things that have not felt right too .

It was a more general comment about people saying he didn't get the tickets out of disorganisation rather than aimed at anyone in particular. But now you mention it, we have no reason to think that he forced her to drive as the OP posted in the context she was happy to do it. And re the festival, the OP makes it clear it was her decision to go and her partner would have stayed home. You do seem to be painting him as a bit of a monster forcing the OP to do stuff when in fact the OP says he was supportive when she was ill and stayed with her.

Just to clear up I did take him and his son to London to go to a concert last year but I also have lots of friends there so it was a win win I got to have lunch and dinner with friends my point of stating that wasn't about making him seem more selfish it was more about I have no issues with him going out and enjoying himself without me. Only because at the beginning of the post people thought I was unreasonable and didn't like my husband having fun.

The music festival I did want to go to but I felt rubbish so I didn't want my partner to miss out so I went and slept. It was a lovely hot day so I didn't miss it either.

Husband's behaviour sounds all-round dodgy. He didn't buy tickets because his mate was going to let them in through the back door? I don't think so, unless mate was keen to be sacked. Venue doors generally have CCTV and more than one doorman. That part of his story sounds like complete rubbish to me.
It depends. My ex is a technical bod in entertainment and he can get staff tickets. We got into a big venue free as our names were on a list at the ticket office.

I think the London with his kid, sleeping at festivals are situations being brought in later because not everyone has agreed that in this situation (whilst it isnt ideal!) It's unreadonable to be this moody about it.

The OP can be upset thats fine but add everything together including drip feeds and it's starting to sound a bit martyr-ish e.g. look at all these times Ive done stuff tjat I maybe didnt want to just for him and sniff this time he cant so anything for me.

If that's the reality of the relationship then leave.

Everything Husky Lover said and then some!

Your 'd'h behaved appallingly! In fact I would be wondering how much effort he really put into finding two tickets or an extra ticket for you! I think he knew fine well that the likelihood of getting another ticket was slim. If that was my dh, he would have found us something else to do, taken me out for a meal and we would possibly have met up with friends later.

If things have been strained between you, do you think this was a two fingers up to you, I would rather spend time with my mates situation?
The constant selfie uploads definitely makes me think he deliberately wanted to rub your face in it.

Fwiw, I have no problem with my dh going out with friends, as OP has hinted herself. However to be looking forward to a night out together, only for him to buy one ticket knowing fine well he would be unlikely to get another, then to be dumped as he swanned out with friends would be awful! You have every right to be hurt OP!

I do agree with the poster who suggested making sure to have friends outside of your h's social group! I would be thinking hard about just how good my relationship was too! For my dh to care so little about my feelings!

I would post again in relationships OP, it sounds like you really need support and kindness (AIBU is a little too brutally honest for that).