To want to find a guy who can't have children

[lifesjoys]

To co parent with me, so I don't have to do it alone??

NC for this, pretty outing!

Okay bear with me guys! Not looking for flaming. Just a new FT Mum who is so very sleep deprived, desperate & on her knees!

I'm literally crying writing this!

My month old baby cries whenever he's not asleep, 15 mins & he's awake crying again.

Ive not got PND, my mental health has improved in that sense, I'm just worn out, run down & feel alone.

I've got family however they've got their own responsibilities, so can only help so much....an hour here or there whilst I go shopping or whatever but nothing drastic.

I'm not with the father, nor does he have anything to do with our child (his choice).

I just didn't plan to be a single parent, I definitely didn't know it would be this hard & to be fair....by the time I knew I would be a single parent, I was already half way into my pregnancy!

I've even started looking at childminders for 1/2 mornings a week!

Sod it, I'm too tired to care.....flame away guys! Maybe I deserve it!

Another one here to say you are not alone and there's nothing you are doing wrong.It's hard to be a tiny baby, but bloody hard being a tiny baby's mum too!!

Won't repeat any of the great advice you've already recieved, just to say my first son was an absolute nightmare newborn. I felt useless, alone, scared, and so down. My own mum, a baby expert haha!, found him impossible to settle and very hard work.

He too ended up a smiley, snoozey little chunk that slept all night. This will pass. A huge well done to you for all you have achieved already

Life'sjoys, your comment about the doctor's "cry-y baby" comment brought me back 26 years to when I had my first baby. My son seemed to spend the first four weeks of his life screaming except when he was out in his pram or travelling in the car, and, even though I had partner who was willing to share the load, and a mother-in-law who took him out in the pram for walks that lasted an hour at least, giving me much needed respite, I felt absolutely exhausted, shattered and really low, as a result of sleep deprivation. I took him to the doctor a number of times saying that this screaming couldn't be normal, but of course, the trip in the car would have calmed him and the doctor, I presume, thought I was exaggerating things. Finally desperation made me ring the surgery (in those days you'd get straight in to the doctor, rather than a receptionist) with a roaring baby in my arms. When the doctor heard the screaming he said "That child is in pain! Bring him in immediately!" (Those were the days!)
Anyway he was admitted to hospital for 5 days while they did tests. In those days, you were not expected, in fact you were discouraged from spending the night in hospital with your baby, so I had five nights of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. My son was found to be intolerant to the formula he was being fed ( I vomited so much throughout pretty much all of my pregnancy that I actually lost weight at the beginning, and the thought of coming to grips with breastfeeding was a step too far) and was put on soya milk.
Those five nights of sleep, I firmly believe, saved my sanity. I cannot imagine how you are able to cope on your own and my heart goes out to you. If you can afford to pay for some time at a childminder, use the time to get some precious sleep for yourself. If your family is willing to step in and help, please let them. It's not a failure on your part, and certainly won't affect the bond you'll have with your baby. You're only a month over giving birth and you're still recovering, yourself. In some cultures, mothers move in with their daughters and take care of them for the first month. There's a good reason for it!
I really hope you get help from somewhere to ensure that you get a chance to catch up on your sleep. Accept any help offered and don't feel guilty about it. My screaming bundle is now 26 years old, and I have to admit that the first month was actually the hardest part. He was a very easy child, and was a happy-go/lucky teenager too. Best of luck with your little baby.

Your post has brought back to me just how awful the first few weeks are with a newborn! You are doing a fab, FAB, job.

I would get your LO checked out with the GP, just to double check he's not in pain, and then contact Homestart. They're a charity I used to volunteer for, and we would help mums just like you!

It's not means tested, you can self refer, and you should have someone out to have a chat with you to see what help you need. Quite often, it was just for the peace and quiet of having a small baby taken out of the house in a pushchair, so that the DM could keel over into bed for an hour!

You should get someone who'll visit every week for a few hours, who'll probably have first hand experience of fretful babies, and who should become your friend and ally. We, as volunteers, were normally very well matched with our families, and I count several of them as friends even today.

Having said that, all our help as volunteers is entirely confidential, so you can pour your heart out and know it will go no further.

If you could get a morning or two with a CM, and another one with a Home start volunteer, you may just get a bit of sanity and or sleep back.

It gets better With everyone else on asking your HV/GP about reflux. Don't feel guilty asking for help from friends/family/childminders.Get a cleaner if you can.Think about using a dummy if it helps.

The first months are hard. Really hard. I really struggled and was diagnosed with pnd, that was with a supportive dh and help from family so it must be hard for you doing it alone.
No advice just that it will pass, i know you probably cant see it now but i promise it will

lifesjoys I know you say you haven't got PND, but some of the things you are thinking and saying seem to me like you might possibly be heading that way. I say this as kindly as possible as I've been there, but please mention it to your MH team or your HV or GP. Don't do what I did, and suffer in silence, when there is help available.

I'm not going to try and diagnose, but it does sound a little bit like you are maybe clutching at every solution and then trying something else when it doesn't work instantly. Calm down and take a step back.

Babies cry. A lot. No one tells you quite how much! My first one cried seemingly endlessly, and I think if I'd been trying to do it all on my own, I'd have completely lost it.

What my husband used to do was put the baby in the pram, put his headphones on and just walk for and hour every day when he came in from work. He figured the baby would scream anyway, so he might as well do it outside and give me a break. You could try something similar. Does your baby like the sling? It sometimes helps with tummy ache to keep them upright. If he likes it, then stick him in it and just go about your day.

Definitely find out about safe co-sleeping, as I think that would help you a lot. Is there any way you could scrape the money together for an overnight nanny just for one night? I don't know how realistic this would be for you, but I feel like even one full night of uninterrupted sleep might make a difference. If you can afford a childminder one or two days a week, then absolutely do it. You don't need an excuse. If you had a partner then they would look after the baby sometimes, so let someone else do it.

As for your brother, he can fuck off or step up. If he is so great at parenting newborns, then he needs to come over and show you how it's done. Preferably by taking the baby for a night and a couple of mornings every week. If he isn't offering to do this, then his opinion has no value whatsoever.

Good luck. Looking after yourself will make it easier to look after your baby.

Safe co-sleeping: in a bed, not on the sofa. No pillow near baby. Put him in sleeping bag on top of duvet. Basically cover yourself but not him.
Baby's side with no drop. Wedge a towel in the gap if against a wall. I was on my own with a newborn and without cosleeping would not have coped.

Also get baby used to entertaining himself once he is a bit bigger, e.g. Under a baby gym. Then you can doze next to him, shower etc.

Are you eating properly?

Co sleeping isn't a magic solution if you're bottle feeding, as you still have to get up to prepare a bottle. Although I guess baby might sleep better when not feeding?

It will get easier soon! The first few months are so hard.

Have you tried a sling/baby carrier? Mine was only happy in this or held on my shoulder. She had colic and reflux but both eased off around 3-4 months. I used to wear earplugs to dim the noise while I walked around the house wearing her in sling!

I also had great help from children's centre, the ladies would pass her round for a cuddle while I zoned out with a cup of tea!

Hope it gets better soon

Definitely seek support, whatever works for you.

If you can afford childminder one morning a week, that will give you some time to go out, have a coffee with friend, a walk and/or do the shopping without child needing feeding/changing/settling.

Or if you don't want to leave your baby with someone, get cleaner who can help with tidying, as well as laundry. Having that extra set of hands when your hands are full feeding, settling etc can be miraculous - to come home to kitchen all clean, floors swept and laundry folded.

Make sure you have a list of jobs that need doing for friends/relatives that come by - noone minds doing some dishes, putting on a wash/hanging it out, even running the vacuum around. Only takes them 10mins, but can help you loads. I recall being told that you should never ask visitors to hold baby so you could make lunch/tea/do housework, let them do job and you can be waited on for once.

Many cultures allow new mothers to focus on child for the first months of their life, not housework, bills, laundry etc. You deserve that as much as anyone, don't feel guilty taking that time out.

I'm not sure if anyone else has recommended this but have a look into cranial osteopathy.

DC2 has reflux, took him to a cranial osteopath at 6 weeks old and the difference was amazing, wish I had taken him sooner.

Oh bless you OP, it can be so hard with a newborn, my first was exhausting even with DH in tow.
Do talk to your HV and tell her how you're feeling. And if you can get some paid for help, just do it, makes every kind of sense. Most of us have partners or family or friends helping, or all three, it must be so so hard trying to do it all on your own.

He might be a tad young for most CMs still (though then again, some might jump at the chance to cuddle a tiny when it's only for a couple of hours they can fit around other commitments). Is there HomeStart in your area? I wondered if they might be able to help you. Or is there a local college with a childcare course, perhaps you could hire a student for a couple of slots a week to come and sit with baby while you sleep.

Also second/third/fourth the suggestion to look up safe cosleeping guidelines and give that a go. You're already one up by only having one adult in the bed. DD coslept from birth and was sooooo much a better sleeper than DS, though obviously that could be coincidence...

Good luck!

my son cried all the time, it ended up being ear ache, have you had him checked. I feel for you Op, I remember that phase and thinking I would pay someone so I could get some sleep, It will get better I promise xx

I've not read all the replies but just wanted to say that I used to use childcare a couple if times a month when she was tiny. It gave me a chance to eat a proper meal with two hands, have a sleep, or just sit in silence for an afternoon! I couldn't work out how other mums could do the 24/7 attachment parenting...at the time I felt a bit guilty that i clearly was doing something wrong that I needed that break but now I look back and realise it saved my sanity! If you can afford it, do it. Those few hours of being you and only doing things for you can make all the difference 😊

recurrent ear infections that led to glue ear and were solved with grommets was my sons cause, Colic or reflux as mentioned by others could also be another reason for the crying, if its high pitched it is normally a pain as opposed to wanting feeding etc xx

How are you doing today op?
Please talk to your health visitor - she will not call social services!

Op. hugs be there and cant believe we came out the other end and theres two of us (dh and me). You doing amazing well on your own. I miss the new born milk drunk look. You tube baby sleep music saved us and handing baby to anyone who came through door (friend, mil, plumber -joking last one) and going to sleep whilst i could. We took a friends baby for a few hours at this age and spread him between three mums for the simple reason she needed sleep. Do you have any rl friends or family who could help. Believe me this will get better. I do think you are a supermum. Stop doing more than basic cleaning. If he sleeps at all you do not tidy up to grap a few hours sleep. Any children centres nearby. Their baby clubs are a life saver. Xxx

Looking after a newborn is the toughest job there is. It's just so relentless. It sounds like you've coped amazingly so far so please don't beat yourself up.

I think you need to get all the help you can be it family, paid help or from home start. I'd contact home start straight away and see if there is anything they can offer you.

Can you afford a night nanny? Might give a couple of nights decent sleep which could well make all the difference. If not then definitely go for the childminder, hell, if you can afford it get both!

I'd be as honest as you can with your family and hv, Ss won't be worrying about you! You just need as much support as you can get. Definitely worth another trip to the GP as well, most practices have a GP with a particular interest in paediatrics so it might be worth finding out if your practice has one and making an appointment with them.

Are you eating? Have you heard of cook? They do really nice frozen ready meals that you can buy online. I'd get enough in to see you through a few weeks. You can manage on cereal and toast in the at but you need at least one decent meal. Get someone to pick you up some bags of those microwave veg portions too.

It does get better. You are in the eye of the storm at the moment but you will get there!

I don't have any useful advice, but if you can afford ANY help at all, GET IT! DD1 cried for 3 solid months when she was born. It was awful. We just walked and jiggled and walked and jiggled for weeks on end. It's exhausting and even with DH there to share it all, I was cross-eyed with exhaustion.

It DOES pass, impossible as that must seem right now. It really does.

hugs

Also, have you tried a sleepyhead? Ds settled much better in that than anything else when tiny, you can pick them up secondhand. I sometimes put ours in the bed next to me too which helped.

Aw op it must be so hard. The first 6-8 weeks are really tough as the baby is trying to get used to life outside the womb.
I hate to say it but some babies do just cry a lot. My ds cried a lot until he was about 6ish weeks then it just stopped. Nothing I did could comfort him, it was awful. He's now the happiest baby I know.
I can't imagine doing it alone. Can you try to get out and about somewhere everyday? Download an app called MUSH to meet up with other mums.

My ds flat refused to sleep anywhere except on me or his dad about that age, it was hellish. We ended up doing shifts so the other could sleep, dh really didn't want to co sleep - neither did I but the lack of sleep was making me consider it even though I didn't want to. My cousin recommended a baby hammock - we got an Amby. They are expensive but I've seen them much cheaper second hand. When miniash woke up in the night, his own movements bounced him back to sleep again. He even fell asleep by himself for the first time ever in there, he loved his Amby too. Won't help with the crying I don't think, but might help with the sleeping. We still swear by the Amby even though ds is 5! That and the baby Einstein lullaby cd kept him asleep and us sane.

Oh sweetie I don't have children and I know it's hard. Do get little one to the Dr HV and try the things suggested on here like sleeping propped up, it might not be reflux but if it isn't it will do no harm.

Get a childminder or even a baby sitter to come in for an hour or two.

Now I mentioned not having children because I think some friends have told me things they would not admit to other mothers.

These are normal women who in their darkest moments have considered hurting their child due to the incessant crying. Their children are now adults and did not come to any serious harm.

Everyone is an individual, and someone somewhere will judge your parenting.

Unless you weave your own yogurt, grow all your own food organically, have children who are only ever polite and repel dirt and change their own nappies from the age of 6 months you will be judged. And even then someone will judge you for your children being too clean.

You love your baby. And at the moment that and your sanity are the only things that matter.

Do you have a car? Someone I worked with could only get her baby to sleep by driving him around. They used to go for a drive and once the baby was asleep come home and leave him in the car (private drive in sight of the living room, car windows part down).

OP - I felt totally shell-shocked for the first three months and I wasn't doing it alone. Can't imagine how you're feeling but I'm sure you're doing brilliantly.

Do you have a sling? I got one when DS was ten weeks and it literally saved my sanity - it made such a difference that he was happy on me but I wasn't glued to the sofa. Even though it didn't help with lack of sleep I felt more like myself. The novelty of eating a meal with two hands/ wandering round the shops without the faff of the pram and just being able to get onto buses and escalators and things was wonderful! If there's a sling meet or sling library in your area you can go along and learn how to carry him safely and try out different slings until you find one that's comfy for both of you.

Otherwise agree with PPs it's worth seeing if the doctor can help at all re reflux or colic. It may also be worth seeing if trying a different bottle/ teat or getting your DS assessed for tongue tie might help. It tends to be mostly a problem for breastfed babies but sometimes can affect bottlefed babies too if it makes them accidentally take in a lot of air when they feed, which can make them very uncomfortable.

Wow

Coping with a newborn on your own is tough
Tough
Tough

This will pass you can't imagine but it will

I thought I had PND but I was actually sleep deprived x