To want to find a guy who can't have children

[lifesjoys]

To co parent with me, so I don't have to do it alone??

NC for this, pretty outing!

Okay bear with me guys! Not looking for flaming. Just a new FT Mum who is so very sleep deprived, desperate & on her knees!

I'm literally crying writing this!

My month old baby cries whenever he's not asleep, 15 mins & he's awake crying again.

Ive not got PND, my mental health has improved in that sense, I'm just worn out, run down & feel alone.

I've got family however they've got their own responsibilities, so can only help so much....an hour here or there whilst I go shopping or whatever but nothing drastic.

I'm not with the father, nor does he have anything to do with our child (his choice).

I just didn't plan to be a single parent, I definitely didn't know it would be this hard & to be fair....by the time I knew I would be a single parent, I was already half way into my pregnancy!

I've even started looking at childminders for 1/2 mornings a week!

Sod it, I'm too tired to care.....flame away guys! Maybe I deserve it!

IF you seek help from your Midwife or HV they WILL NOT refer you to SS. They will support you. Please don't panic about that. lenity of new mums feel overwhelmed, even if they do have loads of support, so looking after both your health and well-being and your little baby's is their priority...
It does get easier but it IS really hard the first few weeks. Be kind to yourself. Sleep when you can.
One thing that I tried (it might not work for you but, hey) is holding the little moses basket's mattress to my baby's back so then when I put her down she was used to the feel of it on her, IYSWIM... Another thing that help was a walk with the pram. Baby seemed to sleep when moving - I don't know if this might be an option for you?

I will try anything & everything!

I've literally bought so much stuff in the hope it'll help him settle so I can sleep.

If SS got involved with every first-time mum who got exhausted and overwhelmed, we'd need about half the population to be social workers in order to get through all the workload!

Honestly, you sound like you're doing a fantastic job. The fact that your last resort of desperation is finding paid childcare for a few hours a week so you can sleep (a fraction of the help a supportive partner would give, and many partnered mums also feel pretty desperate at this stage) shows that you are coping great. You're not endangering your baby or doing anything wrong. You're just overwhelmed by an overwhelming task and you need a break. Sleep deprivation is a method of torture. It's awful. Needing support is totally normal and understandable.

I guess I just feel like everyone looks at me & expects me to be "super mum", like I've got to get it right & not struggle.

I get the whole "I know you are on your own but you've just got to get on with it, it's hard it really is but what else can you do??"

Is it family saying that to you? That's pretty crap of them if so. No one can just sail cheerfully through a month of no sleep. You are getting on with it on your own but you're not a robot!

Extended family as opposed to immediate family.

I have a DB who likes to tell me he knows how hard it is, yet his DW did & does everything, he hasn't lost any sleep!

When I was at about the same point as you are now with my little one, I'd get to about 7pm each night and just sob. A lot. I wasn't depressed and I loved him more than anything, but the sleep deprivation was killing me and I had a partner there to help. I just wanted to say that you have my complete admiration for getting as far as you have, and that it sounds like you're doing a fab job. Mine's now ten months old, sleeps through, and is the sweetest, most easy going little boy in the world. It gets so, so much better. But for now, ask for all the help you can and please, please don't feel guilty for taking it in whatever form you can get. Unless anyone is willing to trade places and stand in your sleep-deprived shoes, their opinion doesn't matter one bit

The 1st few weeks are such a killer. I bet most mums have felt like you - I know I have. When my two (now lovely boys of 10 and 2)/were little I did whatever I could to get as much sleep as I could including safe co sleeping. My youngest went through a phase of only sleeping with me touching him but sleeps fine now. It gets better I promise. See if a friend or relative can come round even for a couple of hours so you can get a nap.

Thank you so so much for your kind words & offer of support!

Honestly, I don't know how I'd cope without mumsnet!

I've just put him down in cot.

Let's hope for even an hours kip!

Nabobs

My sister worked out her baby had silent reflux and CMPA from a forum and had to directly ask the GP about it. No health visitor or GP initially diagnosed until it was suggested by her.

People are not telling OP what medication to use just suggesting and from what she says I agree it matches symptoms for both.

Just wanted to say how amazing you are doing on your own, and it will get better.

Please get help from gp, hv and mumsnet. Sleep deprivation is awful, as is constant crying.

It will pass, and adding a man to the equation will just increase your workload

This sounds incredibly stressful. I can't even imagine what you're going through.

If you can afford to hire a childminder, then I definitely think you should go for it. If it means you can get a few hours sleep then it'd be more than worth it. Anyone who dares judge you for it, can either put their money where their mouth is, and step up to babysit, or they can shut the hell up and mind their own business.

I'm not in the UK, so I don't know if you have walk in medical centres there, but if you do, then I suggest going into one next time baby is screaming non-stop and refuse to leave until a doctor has thoroughly examined your baby and given you an answer. Failing that, phone the doctor's surgery next time baby's in mid screaming mode and let the receptionist hear him and demand an emergency appointment to try and sort it out.

Something's not right with him, and the medical people you've seen so far are letting both you and your son down by not addressing it. If it's something like colic, allergies or reflux there are remedies for these and a professional really needs to deal with it and not leave things till they reach crisis point.

Good luck and I hope you can get some sleep soon!

I put my DS in to a nursery for two mornings a week so I could take an art class one morning and go to a gym and swim session on the other.

They have no idea what they are talking about, supermum myth is total BS.

I have never been a single parent but I can remember that newborn stage. Ds1 would cry, a lot. I remember when he was six weeks old taking him to his dad saying I can't listen to him scream a moment longer. I could still hear him screaming in my head. Pay for a childminder once or twice a week if you can afford it. It will give you an hour or two to decompress and something to focus on when there are bad days. That hour without ds1 saved my sanity. When they both came back I felt better able to cope.

Oh lord, I really feel for you. I have an 8 week old crying baby and I cannot begin to imagine how hard this must be for you doing it by yourself. I am exhausted and stressed, and that's with the help of a supportive DH. Please know that it will get easier, just get through each day at a time. The bond will come in time I promise.
If you think it might possibly be reflux see your GP. See your HV for emotional support though, they honestly will not contact SS, they are there to help you, but they can't do that unless you talk to them.

Hey OP. Sorry to hear things are so hard. Hang in there. It honestly gets so much better.
I found usIng a sling helped my silent reflux baby keep painlessly upright in the daytime while i could get jobs done hands free. we co- slept at night which really reduced night crying.
Here's a MN starting link for safe cosleeping info - sorry that it starts off with negotiating the partner's views but it has some useful key dos and don'ts. Good luck.
www.mumsnet.com/babies/cosleeping

www.cry-sis.org.uk

cowsmilkproteinallergysupport.webs.com

These links may help.

Allergies can be hereditary so as someone in family has it its a possibility.

I had a baby that had horrendous colic - heavy bass music helps - sounds counterintuitive but works.

Definitely see dr and insist on getting to bottom of whatever it is.

Definitely agree with Graphista about sounds or music which can help- in our house it was white noise. Accidental discovery via the hairdryer noise working a sudden miracle with the crying. White noise is available on YouTube- various types- or your baby may prefer the other favourite, the sound of vacuum cleaners!

Men are worse than any baby in the long term !!!
Try and get out of the house every day, no matter what just go out, it does you both the world of good xxx

You poor thing, it's so hard in the beginning even if there were two of you. My DS had colic when he was a baby & we were tearing our hair out. We had an amazing HV who told us that Infacol is always the first thing prescribed as it's cheaper and easier to use BUT in her experience (and ours) it was totally ineffective.

She recommended Colief which was a bit inconvenient to use (had to put it in feed in advance so needed to be v organised) but was so effective and we saw an immediate improvement in his crying.

Changing to a comfort formula also really helped us too. Don't suffer alone, find out if it's silent reflux or colic and find a way to treat it. If you can manage to get some childcare then do it! You need a break. Take care x

You poor thing. I found the first few months incredibly hard and wouldn't have been able to cope without help. It must be so much harder for you. Absolutely get a child minder so that you get some rest!

When DS was about a month old I had a really bad patch with him crying all the time and only sleeping on me or my DM. I was convinced he hated me! It seemed like he was really windy and would get worse before farting or doing a poo (sorry TMI!) At that point I was still breast feeding and my midwife had me cut out all sorts from my diet (chocolate - dear god I gave up chocolate!) because we thought he might be reacting badly to something in my milk.

I was also sleeping on the sofa at that point (when I could get any sleep) because he would only go in his bassinet for short periods and the rest of the time I could only get him to sleep on me. Me moving onto the sofa was the only way DH could get any sleep, which he needed to be able to function at work. The only way I survived this was because I had help from DH and DM, so I could get some sleep during the day.

In the end at 6 weeks I put him on formula. Tried a couple of different ones before we found one which suited him. We also used gripe water for a little while.

Not sure whether it's a coincidence and his stomach just matured to a stage where he was able to cope with food better, or if it was just finding a formula that suited him, but things got better. Once he was happier with his eating, he started sleeping better.

The first few months are incredibly tough and feel like they are never ending, but it will get better. The best advice I had at the time was survival is the key. You do what you need to do to survive. If that involves letting the baby sleep on you all afternoon, you do that. If it involves you getting a child minder a few days a week so you can have a bath and sleep for a few hours without interruption, you do that. If rocking your baby to sleep works, rock him.

Hope you're feeling a bit better about everything

Bless you. Read the thread and see you said your baby is on cow and gate. My babies did horribly on that. I found they were much more content with Hipp.

You do need to have your baby seen by a doctor and buy whatever help you can get. DH and I are on our own 3000 miles from parents and closest sibling is 500 miles away. I have no feelings of guilt that I buy the help I need. I'm a better mother, wife and friend for doing this.

Hi OP, sorry you're struggling

I agree with PPs that the constant crying isn't normal and you should get him checked for silent reflux, lactose intolerance and other possible causes. Get a GP appointment ASAP. Just because the out of hours doctor was dismissive doesn't mean every doctor will be - I would keep seeing doctors and insisting on checking baby out until they do!

I also agree with PP(s) that you should be honest with your immediate family, and maybe close friends too, about how much you're struggling and see if anyone can help. Have you spoken to your SIL - She might not be able to help much if she has young children of her own but it might do you good to have a real life chat with someone who understands?

Lastly I suggest you contact Home Start as they may well be able to provide some support in the form of a volunteer who visits regularly to help you. I would have thought yours would be exactly the kind of situation they would want to help in.

I've been there, I know how tough it is and the sleep deprivation will only make it worse. I am going to go against the grain here and say that at 4 weeks old, a baby crying when he'd placed in a cot or anywhere except in your arms is absolutely normal!! Look up the fourth trimester, that helped me adjust my expectations of newborn behaviour because I was on my knees. With my second DD I had a partner and the difference with support is immense. She slept on our chests until about 6 weeks old, she would not entertain the notion of being placed anywhere else- but with a partner it's obviously much easier to rotate and share the load. Assuming that he hasn't got silent reflux, I would suggest practical advice such as a dummy and wearing him in a sling. For night time I'd suggest co sleeping, you may find he sleeps more soundly within close proximity. The first few months (took us until about 6 months to settle with DD2 and that was with immense support from DH) are relentless, your whole life has shifted and you can't underestimate the time it takes to adjust. Everything with babies is a phase and it will pass. Be kind to yourself and baby, good luck

I'm so sorry, sounds like a nightmare of sorts. There are men who take on the responsibility, but they're a special kind of person.

Please don't think I'm being nasty, but it sounds like you want help with the relentless nights, the looooooong days. It's a lot to ask of a guy, it would make for one hell of a dating advert, many would be suspicious of their motivations though, where if you met a guy whilst pregnant, things blossomed, less so.

Do you have any single friends you can bribe with nice things to take say 2/3 nights off you, if you're not BF.

Have you considered Home Start who may allocate you someone so you can recharge your batteries and know DC is safe.

If I was your friend, I would most certainly be saying, let me do a few nights for you with baby downstairs, plus maybe a few hours in the day too.

Many bark don't talk of times gone by, but you would have communities, where someone would say, bloody hell you look knackered. Go have a bath, get some sleep, ill watch baby and do a bit of housework. Or you'd have family close, so they would come and relieve you of baby.

You could always ask at the local college if any students want paid work experience? In a nursery setting they'd get paid shit wages, so you could have a person trained in childcare, getting paid minimum wage with their age, giving you a break. It sets them up good for Nanny work, which is well sought after and paid well once you have experience.

They could nights where you come to an arrangement. Not sure how it would work.

But for a young person starting out in childcare it would be a great opportunity, they'd learn a whole host of skills, plus you'd get rest.