Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!

[User2005160]

This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.

Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)

I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.

I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.

DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.

Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.

We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.

Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.

Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!

DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!

Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?

I just feel so fed up.

I also agree that the your real problem is your DH. Not your extended family.

I think if you're going to raise it, asking for less disrespectful, rude guests is missing the window of opportunity in which you calmly ask for no disrespectful or rude guests. Go on, treat yourself. Imagine a year ahead with no rude, sullen guests to run around after like a subservient citizen in your own home while your DH claims he hasn't noticed a problem. It might be a DH problem right enough, but at this point in time, it's your problem, you can fix this, there is always an option. In my case, I just don't visit unless I have to, every now and again my DH makes it into an issue (see aforementioned dislike) but I don't care (I don't like that either, but there we are). I had to put myself first because everyone in the situation was putting me last. Once you've done it, you will feel like a superhero. You never have to feel like this again. You can change this.

The one possible ally you might have is his brother who lives overseas. If you are very lucky he might be able to talk to your DH about the bad dynamics.

But to be honest, if this hasn't changed over 5 years, and DH refuses to see it. Then you may be dealing with very dysfunctional family dynamics.

AND what is wrong if your DH was "lured away from home" by you? That is normal! If my son moves to the other end of the country or another country because he meets the woman he falls for - then I'd be pleased because that is normal.

Two things :

please answer my question about whether SIL has a DH because it's driving me mad imagining himall henpecked

Secondly, I am gobsmacked that a guest told you at you wedding that they heard SIL bitching! Why on earth couldn't they keep that to themselves on the happiest day of your life??

I am not saying it wasn't a bad thing for SIL to do but she was in a private place, neither you nor DH witnessed it. I suspect there is shit stirring going on and ma wondering how much you bitch about her to your friends etc behind her back?? That won't help...

Henpecked should have been henpecked becuase I realise we shouldn't say such things on the bastion of gender equality that is MN.

and that should have been the bastion of gender equality

Yes she said the sil has a husband

You have to wonder how the SIL's husband feels about all this... maybe he could be an ally? Is he just as pissed off with OP's husband basically having to pretend to be his kids' dad all the time? Having to leave his home to go and stay with other people? I'd consider getting him on side to put his foot firmly down about all this 'holidaying'. Does he not have to work?

When did she say that books and does he come along to these family things?? I'd love to know what he's up to all this time!!

I thought six people were mentioned, which is MIL FIL SIL plus 2DCs so I guess he must be there saying 'yes dear' in a corner

Ah yes, I see it now in the OP but he never gets any other mention

Yes SIL has a husband. Who is nice enough but very wet. He's completely dominated by SIL, hence why he's always dragged along for these visits! He's also not allowed to speak to me either and when he does, she gets an absolute face on. Poor chap.

The guest didn't tell me at the wedding, they told me weeks later after we'd arrived back from honeymoon.

He is exactly as I imagined!!

As far as the second thing goes, that wasn't clear, so thanks for clearing that up. I still think you shouldn't have been told! I suspect a bitching session was in full flow

Oh god she sounds monstrous. Ignore the SIL-sypathisers. They're clearly deranged too.

You do realise OP don't you, that both your DH and your SIL count on having wet partners who they can make do their bidding? Their relationship sounds unhealthy and a bad place for any third party to find themselves caught up in.

So he must be feeling pretty shit too...why not strike up conversation with him? If SIL gets a face on at both of you, then surely other members of the family will notice THAT? Your DH might be able to 'blank' her bad behaviour towards you, but wouldn't he react if she starts taking lumps out of her DH in your company, just for talking to you?

Not suggesting you throw your SIL's DH to the wolves just to save yourself, but it might help illustrate your point.

If you mean a bitching session with me and one of my friends, yes. I'm not even going to pretend I haven't had a good vent with a few of my closest friends tbh. Mostly because it took me years and years to ever broach the subject with DH.

I don't even feel bad about bitching about her tbh, sorry but someone who treats me with such disregard for no reason repeatedly, doesn't deserve my respect.

The amount of visiting does sounds excessive, and the dynamic sounds unpleasant. Your DH should be looking after you first and foremost when with his family. If he hasn't noticed the off behaviour that is odd in itself!

You need to have a proper discussion with your husband and agree on a way to deal with the problem. I wouldn't tolerate having someone in my home that was rude to me. I disagree that it is ok to be cold and unfriendly if you dislike someone. Being cold and unfriendly might be ok to someone who has done you a great wrong but not to a family member who is putting you up. If she feels that strongly she shouldn't come. Either be absent on any future visits or they must be polite to you. (and the visits must be shorter). Yes it's nice for families to be close but this doesn't sound nice for you and if they want you to be around when they visit they need to make sure you enjoy it too!

I can never understand in situations like this how on earth the person with the rude family can allow their partner to be treated this way. I guess it comes down to who complains loudest so if I were you OP I would be making my DH's life a misery until he grew a backbone and learned to stick up for me. Ultimately he has to live with you all the time whereas they can only complain to him when they phone or visit so I would be using my advantage and making sure keeping me happy was his top priority.

I would also be incredibly hurt though, your DH should always have your back, you're supposed to be a team and his loyalty should be with you first and foremost. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms how let down by and disappointed in him you are.

I most certainly wouldn't be putting up with his family's behaviour though, I would be calling them out on it as soon as it started and making it clear that you will not tolerate being ignored or disrespected in your own home. If it causes a row well that's just tough, your DH has had ample opportunity to sort this diplomatically and if it means there's a major falling out with his family he really only has himself to blame and at least you won't have to worry about visits anymore!

I would tell DH they can come in July, for however many days you feel ok about, and that he has a final chance to call them on their behaviour the second it starts but that if he fails to do so you will and you won't be worrying about diplomacy. Time to get tough OP, this is your home, your territory so start asserting your right to refuse to have people there who can't even treat you with basic courtesy.

I have suffocating in laws too so you have my sympathies Op. The only difference is they live abroad so cost limits them visiting as much as they would like! The amount of visits your in laws make is excessive. My sil (wife of bil) also completely blanks me. I was married to dh for over ten years when she came on the scene but has given me the cold shoulder from the beginning. We have to all stay together in pil's holiday villa for two weeks every summer and it's really hard living with someone who ignores you. After a couple of years I said to dh I was sick of it. He said he hadn't noticed but would look out for it. After a couple of hours, he was like 'oh yes'. He started to try to force her to talk to me eg when she asked him to pass something at the dinner table, he'd say, ask my dw! He says I should ask her what I've done to upset her, to which I say 'wtf?! I haven't had a chance to upset her and in fact, she's upset me after years of ignoring me.' We always end up quarrelling about it .

I agree with the others, no way would I tolerate that level of rudeness in my home when I am hosting. DH needs to stand with you on this one. You should state that you will no longer go through the work and expense of hosting only to be ignored, you will feel much better about yourself and seriously, is the sister going to think any worse of you.

Do it for your own sanity, pride and future children.

Only allow either PILs, or SIL's family at one time. Say it's getting too much to host so many.

If they kick up a stink and refuse to come if they can't all come together, then you won't have to put up with them. It will also show your DH how unreasonable they are, as you have offered to have them visit, but it's them that have turned the offer down simply because they can't all descend on you en masse.

I was in a very similar situation with my in laws. It took me going to counseling to realise I was not the "bad guy" and that I had very reasonable and healthy needs that were not being met by DH and his family.
They were the same way, very rude, very critical of me, but also wanting to be with us constantly. My DH also did not notice their behavior as rude or unacceptable, but you have to understand your DH (like mine) has probably unconsciously witnessed their behavior his entire life. It is much easier for him to ignore or think these things as normal.
Tell him he needs to choose who he wants to be married to. You or his family. Plain and simple and do not let up, be willing to leave if necessary. This does not mean cutting them out of your lives, but it does mean putting your needs ahead of theirs and defending you - HIS WIFE. Find some sort of healthy compromise that you can live with, like finding 2 times a year that they can come visit for a weekend and the rest he can go see them and you can go when you want and stick to it. People like this need boundaries and they will respect you more for them in the long run. My PIL used to live in town and see us multiple times a week, when I finally stood my ground we started seeing them a couple times a month for nice lunch/dinner/outing family get togethers, Eventually we began having a respectful relationship and could actually have a good time together. They needed boundaries plain and simple. These things were the game changers in my marriage and could be for you too. If you don't change it now you will begin to severely resent your DH and it will kill your marriage, but it is not too late!!
Also, if you and DH do not have kids yet, which I assume you don't as they have not been mentioned? Then sorting this out before hand would REALLY help a great deal if you're ever planning to have kids in the future.

Also!! For the rude comments and horrible looks I suggest calling them out right in the midst of it. Say something to the affect of "did I say something to upset you SIL, because you look very unsettled" when she makes a dirty face. Or if there are passive aggressive comments "Did you mean that to sound as harsh as it did.. or that wasn't really nice".
People in their position almost never expect to get called out in the act, when you do they either have to own up to what is bothering them or pretend it's nothing and stop doing it. This worked like magic on family members that would say nasty things to me. I have even said "Wow! You're a really mean person!" In a smiling/laughing kind of way... it will make them realise quickly how out of line they are being.

He'll pay more attention next time, will he Op? Isn't that so good of him. Course that'll get him nicely round your refusal to visit as how can he observe unless you're all together? Handy that

I wonder whether his observations will carry more validity than yours and the years of this crap you've put up with? I suspect they will. I mean he's been blind to this for all the years you've known SIL so it's pretty unlikely he'll suddenly see the truth. Op I think you can expect to hear a whole lot of:

She didn't ignore you, she was busy with dc/talking to X...
She said thank you, how grateful must she be for a cup of tea?
Well I didn't notice you making much effort either.
No, you took her up wrong, it was a joke!

You DH doesn't want to see the problem because it's not a problem for him.

Are you brave enough to confront sil? I think it's past time that you just face up to her and ask her what the fuck her problem is. She sounds like a total narcissist. Don't tolerate any more shit, OP. Don't let them stay in your house and make you uncomfortable. It's a ridiculous situation. What is wrong with your dh that he doesn't stick up for you? Mine would be sodding furious if his family were like that with me. He must be deep in the FOG.