Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!

[User2005160]

This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.

Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)

I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.

I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.

DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.

Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.

We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.

Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.

Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!

DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!

Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?

I just feel so fed up.

Your SIL is a cunt but that's her prerogative. The one at fault here is your DH for allowing his sister to behave like that in front of you.

If it were me he would be told her either tells his sister what a wanker she is, or you will. I'd go non contact with them if I need to. What a selfish dick your DH is not to stand up to his family about the way they're treating you - by doing this he is backing her behaviour.

In some cultures, women have to live with in laws and they tend to be just like what you described of yours if not worse...

Hate the whole in law concept!

Agree with ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout, I think you need to speak with your DP about who would be first if you have DCs. He seems to have been dismissing your feelings (re the Friday arriving, his sister's rudeness, your need for space that MIL doesn't want to allow). This could take much larger proportions if you have DCs and he won't pit them and then you first.
Another thing is that you don't always need to justify yourself when you say no. You can just say no I don't want that or no it's not convenient for me.

Put not pit

You must have the patience of a saint. In your situation I would have resorted to shrieking 'Oh my fucking GOD, what is your problem?!' at the SIL by now. What abominably awful manners. Your DH is being a total arse not to back you up on this and needs to tell her if she can't show some bloody civility to her HOSTS, plural, she's not welcome anymore.

How about saying you will have only one lot at a time as you find them all together, just overwhelming and you want to be able to relax on a bank holiday too. Then you deal with them individually. You say mil is ok most of the time so when she slips just use the mumsnet fav did you mean to be so rude. When sil comes, it will be more obvious to dh that her behaviour is unacceptable. A few choice "you are quite welcome", "dymtbsr" and the odd question and answer "how's things" ..............then when she ignores you answer your own question, out loud. Done enough this will drive her nuts and out her. After a day, switch tactic and say to her that actually, you don't think you want people who cannot be polite and civil to their hostess in your home any more so they are welcome to leave anytime in the next hour. Then go out. If she is still there when you return, try oh, are you still here? Or, invite your parents over to dinner and see what happens.......

OP - you need to discuss this bluntly with your dh.
It is YOUR home too and how dare he think it's ok for sil to behave the way she does?

But I have tried making myself scarce before when they've desecned and MIL started muttering 'How rude'

So what if she thinks it's rude - is her opinion that important to you?
So what's stopping you doing the same when sil and mil are rude towards you?
You need to learn being direct and assertive or you will be a doormat for the entirety of your marriage.

I do send him to go and see them
Wtf? Is he incapable of managing this by himself?
It is NOT YOUR JOB!

she has made it VERY clear that I should find her and her family's presence a good thing and actively want to spend all my time with them

Remind them all you married your dh - not his family.
Call them out on their rudeness and make it clear that's why you won't spend time with them.

Also, the thought of it being awkward from now on between them and I, because they think I don't like them or whatever just fills me with dread

It's already awkward for YOU, uncomfortable and draining for YOU.
THEY create the awkward atmosphere - so don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself.

I've had someone treat me like your sil does you. I kept asking them direct questions, i was pretty blunt with them - "are you not talking to me?" "do you resent me being with dp?"
i kept making comments like this, yes others felt uncomfortable but hey - they don't care about my feelings so i figured i didn't owe them any consideration.

You're making the classic mistake of thinking your dh and his family are more important than you or your own.
Start inviting your own family/friends regularly - you have the same 'right' as your dh
why are you allowing them to isolate you from your own support network?
either start standing up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect in your own home - or spend your whole marriage like this.

this needs sorting before you have dc - cos if you don't then the bullshit will involve and affect your dc too.

Stop taking ownership of their feelings and facilitating their rudeness - all you need to do is call them out on it and stand your ground.

You don't have an inlaw problem you have a DH problem either he puts you and your needs first or get out and for god sakes don't have kids until this is fixed and fixed properly otherwise you are frankly fucked. And stop being so polite they clearly don't give a shit about offending you.

So your dh insists you are now part of one big happy family? Why is he not having the same conversation with sil? Ie User is your family now, treat her with the same love and respect as any other member of the family. If it's acceptable for sil to decline a family type relationship with you, surely it must be acceptable for you to opt out to?

YABU to use the term 'pussy whipped'

OP I could've written this. My DH is the precious only son of the family and has a twin sister and she is very much like your SIL. When we got married she shunned everything to do with the wedding, and went out of her way to make things difficult. I won't bore you with all the petty things she did but it was honestly ridiculous! After the wedding she put a photo album up of the day and there was not a single photograph of me in the entire day (who seriously doesn't photograph the bride!!!). His other sisters openly admitted that she wasn't comfortable with him getting married (despite her being married with 2 children herself at the time).

Anyway ultimately I put my foot down and told DH that I wasn't tolerating it anymore. He had a frank conversation with his family and told them I'm his wife and I come first. He told them that they can't expect to have a relationship with him while I am treated with hostility. It ruffled feathers and DH and his sis didn't speak for a couple of months - but now everyone knows where they stand and things have gotten better.

You need to get this sorted for your own sanity. As a start, I absolutely would not tolerate any disrespect in your own home. How dare they! Best of luck OP - you can do it.

I'm another one who doesn't particularly like the term "pussy whipped"...there is nothing with anyone, man or woman being close to their family. What there is something wrong with is a man who let's his family treat his partner badly however.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested have either the MIL or SIL but not both together - you need to change the dynamic and for visits to be on your terms. I think that it is reasonable to say that 2 lots of guests together is too much for you, alternatively turn guest rooms into temporary storage/arrange for decorator/whatever to achieve the end. I would start with MIL and try to make sure that she has a lovely time. Maybe say that it's nice to have one on one time with her, etc. Then make sure you have SIL separately - book the date with her in advance so she can't moan about not being invited. I think it will be easier that way to have a blunt convo with her when she is rude. Only other suggestion is to have a 'rules of the house' list framed, calligraphy style on the wall of her bedroom and draw her attention to it every time she is rude.

There's absolutely no way SIL would come without MIL. And vice versa. There isn't any point in anything if SIL isn't present

And that is the trouble really. I feel a bit like it's a 'gang mentality' when they both swoop in together. There is also no way MIL would entertain me having it out with SIL. No way.

I don't know, it all seems such a mess. It seems like such a long time since I was with anyone else, but I have had 3 long term partners before DP and can honestly say I've never had any issue with inlaw, I've always got on really well with parents and siblings alike. I guess it's finally dawning on me that I could potentially have a long future of not getting on with inlaws.

When she cried/ threw a strop st the wedding, neither DP or I witnessed it. One of the wedding guests from my side, pulled me to one side and said she'd heard SIL crying in the toilets and saying 'I know I should be happy for him, but I'm not' I told my DP this and he said that can't be true because his SIL had sent him a message the day before then wedding saying how happy she was for him etc etc. And when I said well why would guest lie?! He then said 'Well if she did, it was obviously just the drink talking, blah blah'

I have (finally) broached the subject of how she is with me, I said, can you honestly say that you haven't noticed that she just never speaks to me?! Never engages, it's always me enquiring about her & her life and never the other way around. He said, well no I haven't really noticed but I'll pay more attention next time we see them. So whether or not he will and he'll notice anything I don't know.

He will be determined not to notice, OP. It sounds like it would take him witnessing her going up to you and spitting directly in your face for him to acknowledge there's a problem, and maybe not even then.

Unless your OP is willing to support you, and at the moment he's not, you're going to have a miserable time dealing with his family which could end up continuing for a long time.

Yep you need yo cut off contact with them and just let him visit. Tell him they are not welcome in your house unless they start behaving and treating you with respect.

His answer will show you where his priorities lie.

He can't have it both ways.

But feelings and relationships aren't objective. Dh can't observe to gather objective proof beyond all reasonable doubt that you're being treated badly enough that he signs off on your right to react. That way madness lies!

You feel how you feel. SiL feels how she feels. That's all fine. The issue is that you're done going into that situation again and again when it always ends with you angry, unhappy and having had a bad experience. That ought to be a bigger problem to your partner than it seems to be.

Hmm...I suspect you are going to have to have a difficult period where you openly draw attention to rudeness at every appropriate point. You might as well do it now because it isn't going to change without a catalyst. Maybe a big row has to happen to effect change. Keep the dialogue going with your DH so he can't push it to the back of his mind. Make it clear that it is your home. Have DH primed to say that you are the custodian of the diary and that if they wish to visit, they must talk directly with you about dates - then put them off until it suits you.

This needs acknowledgement and practical support from your DH. Shorter stays, occurring less frequently, each one having to be OK'd by you, that sort of thing. Without it you're going to be in a world of gas-lighting where you're continually looking for "proof" and it being minimised/explained away when you present it.

I don't think there must be a repeat occurrence in future, so that your DH can validate your concerns, so that you can subsequently turn down visit requests until they amend their behaviour. It needs to be enough that you are telling your DH now. This will affect your relationship, long term.

My DH never really stuck up for me with the in laws. It stopped being about them, in my eyes, quite a while ago, but has become a curdling sourness in my marriage that makes me view my DH with less respect and even, dare I say, a bit of dislike. There are some memories I have where his family shot me down cruelly, without a care in the world, and nobody said anything. In that moment of silence, the void into which my DH should have stepped and told them to eff off (or, indeed, I should have told them myself), I found it excruciatingly humiliating to be cut down, like I was nothing, in front of the one person in the world that should have my interests at heart, but he said nothing, for a quiet life.
Makes me wonder what he hears when I speak. White noise, perhaps.

Do SIL and family ever take a vacation without MIL? If so, that might be a good time to invite MIL down solo, since she won't be "missing" anything with SIL.

Also, it's only just dawning on you after 5 years that this will be a permanent problem? There's being an optimist, and then there's burying your head in the sand. DH needs to wake up and put you first or you will be a second class citizen in your own home forever. Wouldn't work for me.

I do think your DH has his head in he sand - sweep it under the carpet

Because he's ok with the situation.

How can he have not noticed? He's being just as rude - it's extremely rude to reminisce when others are in the conversation etc over a long period.

I would tell him straight you won't host and will be visiting your brothers or parents or Spain for that time and leave him to it.

I'd watch out if you have children SIL will step it up a notch or two

There's no way on this earth I'd have her in my house. Cheeky fucker doesn't even acknowledge you.

Tell DH it's not happening. He can visit them.

Jealous bitch, crying at your wedding. She can't stand you so why let her in your home?!!

Tell her to get to fuck.

AND while I'm at it!!

If DH is so close to his sister then he should be able to speak to her and find out what the issue is and why she's having free bed and board and can't be civil to his DW

He needs to step up and acknowledge there's a problem and deal with it

What should he say to them?

'On reflection I don't think it's going to work'

And other requests needs to be

'I'll check the calendar and get back to you'

Friday doesn't work - Sateusaybor nothing

OP, you should say that it's too much having 6 guests at once (it really is, esp for regular visits and not normal either). At least then the effect would be diluted (just don't increase the frequency- get lots of other things in the diary).