Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!

[User2005160]

This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.

Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)

I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.

I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.

DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.

Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.

We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.

Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.

Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!

DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!

Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?

I just feel so fed up.

Your DH needs to step up and support you. You can restart your relationship on your terms any time you like. Alternatively, expect the same of your husband as he does of you. Have your family to stay for five days, the first on their own with your oh obviously.

Your husband is being willfully ignorant about their abuse towards you. How he has allowed you to be put in this position is awful.

They're climbing into his arse because you have money and a large house. They hero worship him, despise you, and he likes it.

You have a DH problem.

Crikey, how on earth has somebody as apparently wet as your husband managed to work his way up to a position of seniority at work? Heads up the regional office, but utterly incapable of saying no to a couple of women?

Or is it actually the case that he's managing this very cleverly, and it's actually easier to bully you into submission than allow you any autonomy in your own home?

You need to be very very clear that the reason you don't want his sister and mother in your home is their rudeness towards you, and you need to start putting your foot down about arrangements.

Living two hours away doesn't necessitate a 5 day stay- we travel further for a day out! They come and stay because they can see your husband, take over a nice big house, and treat you like staff. And you have a husband who respects you so little that he actively encourages this.

WOW if it was me I would treat SIL exactly as she treats you, don't speak to her, avoid her company, however, still be nice to her hubby and children. You don't say much about FIL so I assume he is a nice enough bloke. Sounds like the men in the family are controlled by the females, perhaps you should pay special attention to those poor fellas, you may upset the apple cart a little, but I am sure the men will support you. With regards to the July visit, turn it around and tell your hubby that you want your parents to stay for a few days, if you have room invite them at the same time as the IL, then at least you will have support. Sometimes, things need to be said and the consequence can be a family split, if your husband really loves you he will support you regardless. Good Luck

5 days is far too long and unreasonable. If DH insists in that then I would go away for those 5 days!

I think you're confusing things by saying about sometimes needing your own space in the original post. They're staying a lot for family you do get on with but that's irrelevant given the rudeness. I think with your DH you need to stick to the issue of your SiL being so rude as everyone would struggle with that. He shouldn't expect you to have to tolerate that sort of rudeness in your own home.

With MiL I'm not sure from your posts whether it is bad but you could tolerate it with DH support and accepting she's his mum or whether she is also crossing the line beyond acceptable. Whatever he should be backing you up.

This isn't your anxiety, you aren't being unreasonable to expect to be treated politely in your own home or when visiting his family.

I'm not sure they do hero worship him really. Clearly SIL is most important sibling by a long distance - she is allowed to do as she pleases, talk about herself and be listened to as if it was the voice of God, invite herself wherever, generally ignore her husband and never be challenged.

I think your DH is only in there because of the big house and money or they would drop him like a stone. He certainly isn't the golden child or he could tell them all to fuck off. It actually seems like they make him nervous and he has to stay in line at all times - however they sugar this by telling him he is fabulous, they are so close, bla bla bla bullshit.

OP, do not have children with your DH until you have this sorted and he sees you and your family unit as his top priority. Othwrwise you will just add babymaker and full time nanny to the list of other things he and his family expect you to do while waiting on them.

Insisting on counseling might be the best way to go. You for help asserting yourself, and him to see how messed up the whole dynamic is.

I have tried to broach the issue of them staying before with DH, the last time they came up or instance they all insisted on arriving on the Friday, even though DH was away for work and wasn't landing back in the UK until early hours Sat morning. I said I wasn't comfortable with them all arriving almost a whole day before he is due back. What was I going to do with them all?! His response was 'Speak to them, youre really good at making conversation with people. They want to arrive on the Friday and what exactly am I meant to say to them, oh no you can't arrive when I'm not here because you don't want to spen time with them alone, they're faaaamillly' (Peggy Mitchell style) Quite frankly I wanted to punch him in the face st that point.

You've got a DH problem. In your shoes I'd say NO to the July visit and if he goes against your wishes I'd make sure I wasn't around during the visit and once it was done I'd be talking in terms of problems for the future of your marriage. In addition to maintaining contraception of course.

Going against the grain I actually read it as you bring the one that is incredibly jealous of the relationship SIL has with your DH. It seems like you are looking for reasons to be offended.

That's not some much going against the grain and as being in a separate dimension from the grain.

I understand not liking confrontation and how uncomfortable that can be but you need to sort this before you have kids so now maybe the best time to strike

If DH wondering what to say to them keep telling him the reason you are not prepared to host his family is because they are unfriendly and rude to you. Rinse and repeat

This.

Yanbu in any way op. It would be stifling and too much anyway, even if they were really nice. Sil sounds jealous of your relationship which is mega weird, and your dh is bang out of order for allowing her appalling treatment of you to continue.

Good luck and stay STRONG!

I've not rtft but from the OP it doesn't sound like SIL or MIL has done anything that bad to be honest. The OP reckons SIL is rude and self-obsessed, SIL and possibly MIL clearly can't stand the OP. Difference is that the OP slags SIL off to her DH whereas SIL just stays out of the OP's way, declines invitations from the OP and doesn't say a thing to her brother.

Trying to come between your DH and his mum and sister is a really shitty thing to do imo, even though I do appreciate that if they don't like you very much and this is clear from how they act, it will be upsetting. Saying your DH is "pussy whipped" is horrible and suggests to me that you have a problem with other women.

I think YABU.

SIL, she will say thank you if I hand her a drink or a plate of food etc, but that's it. So she will say hello (though there has been a couple of times when she has just ignored me completely) Thank you and goodbye. And that really is it. We are the same age, fairly similar in some ways and, in another life could probably get on quite well. But she just refuses to engage with me at all. And after 5 years now, I've just given up. She is obviously all over DH like a rash, though, has no problem whatsoever talking to him! (Though in fairness even that is nearly always about herself and her children, she rarely enquires into his life, because obviously that would in some way, be paying an interest in me!)

This for example is probably how many on MN would advise someone to treat their SIL that they can't stand when they want to keep up their close relationship with their brother. I don't know whether or not it's fair that she can't stand you, but clearly the feeling is mutual. She should try to make an effort with conversation more, but it's not the crime of the century that she doesn't.

Being close and loving with her brother and wanting him to be an important part of her children's life are not bad things, however you spin it.

I've not rtft

Then perhaps you should.

Then perhaps you should. Have now, and there aren't any drip feeds to change my view.

Longlostpal- There is one and only time in FIVE YEARS that I have 'slagged off' my SIL to DH. That was after their last stay, when, frankly she was cold, aloof and unfriendly towards me the whole time she was here. I honestly, absolutely couldn't ever imagine inviting MYSELF into SOMEONE ELSE's home continuously, knowing that I didn't like them (for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and it genuinely is for no reason. She was off with me from day 1. The first time I ever met her, DH took me back to his parents for a BBQ for his mum's 60th. I was nervous about meeting all the family, but I was polite and friendly to everyone, asked everyone I spoke to lots of Q's, showed an interest in their life etc. Do you know what SIL said to me all evening? 'Hello' and 'How was your journey?' That's it. From 4pm- midnight, that's all she managed. I found myself alone with her in the kitchen and made an effort to ask her about herself, her job etc . I got absolutely nothing in return, zilch) and knowing that I would be rude and aloof with them all weekend?! No, sorry. I just couldn't do it. It's fucking rude.

One of my brothers wives I'm not overly fond of (I do have my reasons) yet, she would never kmow and neither would my brother. I'm nothing but friendly and polite to her. You could say 'well you're just being fake' but I'm not, I'm being friendly towards her because I love my brother, and just trotting out the minimal 'hello' to his wife and mother of his children, would not be sufficient in his eyes, in my parents eyes or in his wife's eyes. Therefore I go the extra mile with her, despite not being overly keen on her, because I know what crap and drama would ensue if I didn't and no one can be arsed with that stress.

Sorry if this ahs already been covered but does SIL not have a DP? can't see mention of one in tow...

Is he left at home while all this extreme visiting goes on??

Yeah, user, you're right that it's rude and it can't be nice to deal with. But in the scale of things, simply disengaging and being aloof and cool with someone you don't like but who is married to someone you love is not the height of rudeness. And personally I don't think it's enough to stop her coming over and spending time with her brother, and having him be a part of her kids' lives. I'm afraid that I would not be happy if my husband tried to tell me that my family weren't welcome in my home.

I reckon you just let your husband crack on with hosting duties and you stay out of the ILs way for the duration of their trip. If SIL had actively done anything horrible to you I would say it was reasonable to refuse to have her over. Just not making small talk with you is not enough imo. I emphasise that I do see that it's a shit situation.

User Re thinking of ttc in the near future. Without wishing to be over dramatic I really would encourage you to get this sorted with DH first, no matter how difficult those conversations are, no matter how stressed and anxious that might make you feel.

If you have dc it will likely be a hundred times more difficult. They're a close family right? Not only do they expect a visit every 5 or 6 weeks, they also want to visit you (well, DH obvs) in between those visits.
How often do you think this close family will want demand to see the newest addition?
Do you think their treatment of you will improve then? Seems unlikely.
If you find them stressful now how much worse will it be when you're a new mum, possibly hormonal and feeling vulnerable?
Will DH carry on being wilfully blind to their treatment of you? After all they're the child's grandparents/Auntie, of course they want to be part of DCs life, DC deserve to have a close relationship with them, how could you deny them that? And so on and so on...

Decide what you are prepared to accept from the ILs but also from DH in terms of what level of respect, consideration and support you expect. You need to be on the same page regarding your views on family relationships or you could spend another 20 years either rowing about this or, just as likely, putting up with it but seething with frustration and resentment.

so you have 2 brothers and presumably parents - and he has a brother, a sister and parents. SO there are 6 family members to see and visit or invite, so do it on a rota - every month you could have one set visit or visit them. No doubling up. Make sure that if you host one time, they host the next.

That means you should only have to see her twice a year, only once at yours. Make time for you and husband to spend time together too. If he really needs to visit every 5-6 weeks, then that counts. Its unreasonable to expect a young couple to host so frequently - you guys need to get a life!

Get a calendar, start buying tickets for shows or concerts or plan to have dinner with friends. And if you are TTC, plan romantic weekends away with himself so you can get trying! Get your calendar super busy in advance so there is just no space for them to come over. The more you and DH do as a couple, the better.

LongLostPal - so you would be absolutely fine, happy and merrily accept blatantly ignored for five DAYS in your HOME?

Sorry, but bullshit. And even if you were, would your OH actually allow ANYONE to treat you like that?

My home is my refuge. It is a place where I don't get treated badly. You are saying that the op should accept being treated badly in her home by a petulant guest. Just, no. Not right, not acceptable.

so you would be absolutely fine, happy and merrily accept blatantly ignored for five DAYS in your HOME?

Err. No. That's why I said you're right that it's rude and it can't be nice to deal with and I emphasise that I do see that it's a shit situation.

It's very unpleasant when someone makes clear that they don't like you and gives you the silent treatment. Not saying otherwise. But I don't think that it is such bad behaviour that the DH should not be allowed to have his family over a few times a year.

Honestly, I'd be more sympathetic to the OP when she says stuff like this: what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal? It's impossible to tell for sure, but it sounds to me like all the issues might not be with SIL here. I agree with the poster above that it sounds like the OP might have her own jealousy issues to work through.

OP, I bet you adore your DH and, when his family aren't around, he is wonderful. You both want to try to start a family because you love each other so much.

However, please beware of having DCs with a man who will always put his family first, before you, every time. Their feelings are more important than yours, always.

This will escalate considerably when DCs are on the scene, in ways you can't even imagine yet.

Just take care please