Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!

[User2005160]

This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.

Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)

I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.

I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.

DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.

Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.

We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.

Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.

Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!

DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!

Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?

I just feel so fed up.

Even if they were lovely guests, it's still too many "full-on" visits.

If he must see them that much, why can't he go and visit them.

You need to nip this shite in the bud.

Why do you allow these people to stay in your home and be rude to you!! Call them out. Say you can't allow yourself to treated that way in your own home.

I'll try to answer all the Q's.

I do send him to go and see them. Hence in my OP I said I encourage him to go back every 5-6 weeks for a visit. Sometimes I go with him, sometimes I don't. He mostly does get back every 6 weeks or so for the weekend, but he does travel for work a fair bit so sometimes that hinders him going. They also, still insist on coming down here to stay all the time regardless.

Re MIL- in fairness, she's always fairly nice and does always make an effort to make me feel welcome and takes an interest in me/ my life etc. HOWEVER, she will occasionally make a barbed/ bitchy comment and she has made it VERY clear that I should find her and her family's presence a good thing and actively want to spend all my time with them
whilst they're visiting. That really is her view and anything else is rude etc. I can't go in to how she was rude in the last visit as it will completely out me, but suffice to say she was, twice.

SIL, she will say thank you if I hand her a drink or a plate of food etc, but that's it. So she will say hello (though there has been a couple of times when she has just ignored me completely) Thank you and goodbye. And that really is it. We are the same age, fairly similar in some ways and, in another life could probably get on quite well. But she just refuses to engage with me at all. And after 5 years now, I've just given up. She is obviously all over DH like a rash, though, has no problem whatsoever talking to him! (Though in fairness even that is nearly always about herself and her children, she rarely enquires into his life, because obviously that would in some way, be paying an interest in me!)

I guess them coming up but staying in a hotel would be a good resolution, but considering we have a 5 bed house between the 2 of us (at the moment, probably going to start trying for DC within the next year or so) It would seem really off/ tight! And it WOULD greatly offend them and cause WW3.

To the poster who is saying I 'took DH away from SIL' that's exactly the kind of creepy, possessive shit I'm talking about. I didn't take him away, he HAD to move here for work, I met him 6 months after he moved here for work. He's stayed here because he's actually been promoted multiple times and now heads up our regions offices. The office back near his home town has subsequently shut therefore if he wanted to move back to where he's originally from, it couldn't be with his current company. He also loves it where we live and has said he'd never want to move back to his home town. So it's not ME that's taken him away, it's his job and if he hadn't of met me up here, he'd have met someone else. I have 2 brothers, both of whom are now married, I'm not funny with their wives for 'taking my DBs' away from me?! It's a weird, incestuous view to have IMO.

wando

We are a close family and embrace and love anyone who joins us. Equally we understand boundaries and respect.

God she sounds like my SIL. She was the only female in the siblings and always got her own way. A real awful person, and she wouldn't have lasted five minutes in my childhood household, full of sisters

You have a DH problem really.

He must know they are rude to you and yet he doesn't care enough to stand up to them properly.

I would reevaluate having DC with him unless he is willing to sort this out, as once you have children, things will escalate and you will feel more trapped. Good luck.

Oh and my SIL still calls her brothers , their childhood nicknames. It is really offputting

You have a DH problem. Deal with that and the rest of it will fall into place.

Yup, SIL will only address DH by his childhood nickname (funnily enough, his other brother though she will call by his normal name, but she admits she isn't 'as close' to her other brother as she is DH)

She also constantly reminisces about their childhood and instances where obviously I haven't been present, etc etc

I sympathise - I have a truly horrid SIL. She was 10 when I first knew her and a horrible child - at first I used to take her chocolate and little treats as I thought her brother wasn't very fond of her. He was 10 years older. She often had her mother in tears - she was rude and sulky most of the time - fast forward 40 years and she's still the same. She's married - no kids. I can honestly say she is the only person I've ever felt such extreme dislike for..............on the rare occasions we met at the ILs she would ignore me although truth to tell I didn't speak to her. DH is not close to her.

I know the dynamics are different because you have this thing with the closeness between DH and SIL and MIL in the background putting in her 5 cents worth. I honestly think this is an issue for your DH - he needs to make it clear to her that it isn't fair for his sister to accept your hospitality and be so rude to you. I gather they live 2.5 hours from you - staying for 5 days is ridiculous - they could do it in a day, or overnight. I think you said DH visits them too...................someone said you'd put up with this for 5 years and were you going to put up with it for another 20.............time to draw a line in the sand. My MIL wasn't really close to her daughter but I think she was a bit scared of her (or maybe wary) - one year I inadvertently put the wrong address on SILs C'Mas card so she didn't get it and MIL was phoning me daily saying "they haven't got it yet" - I thought of sending another and then decided I couldn't be arsed. My mom was very poorly, I had 3 kids to care for, shop, christmas presents etc (DH didn't do much in those days) and it just seemed crazy.

I think something has to change - I know it's tricky because dynamics between people get set in concrete somehow, and it becomes a real pain to change things. Think you need to talk to DH or maybe show him this thread.

Wando wins the award for possessive sister of the week.

My DH's best friends GF then wife was always like that with me we went on nights out and weekends away. She was lovely the first night I met her then she started inviting various other friends along that she knew and we didn't. It was like she would send umpteen texts about going out can't wait to see you then after the first 10 minutes she would totally ignore me. With her I think she could only relate to one person at a time and she had to be dominating the conversation. Often their would be 3 couples out on a night out or away for the weekend including us and she would ignore me after first ten minutes she would call all the shots about where we went what time etc. I used to sit with the men in the end rather than be completely ignored. I didn't want to cause a scene for awhile. But finally I did don't want to say where incase I out myself but she insisted on asking me what was wrong and finally I snapped and told her we haven't spoke since but fortunately we now don't need to go away with them or out with them.

You were right to say no to the next visit. I can't believe DH lets his bitch of a sister get away with it. What happens when you have children? They'll see Granny and Aunty treat Mum like shit and see that they get away with it. I also think you should say the below to DH. And stick to it!

'Your mother and sister did not say a civil word to me the while time they were here, nor did they the last x times. So they are not welcome in my house again. If you do invite them, i will not be here'

What Chipped said. This would actually be a deal breaker for me. No way would I stay with someone who allowed his family to treat me like a servant in my own home. Just no! You're worth so much more, OP. Do not have a child with this man! Can you imagine? His family will ruin it all.

Also you took her brother away, for some sisters that's hard to deal with. He was her brother before he was ever your husband, and will be even if you don't last, maybe remember that?

Wando, who is your brother's next of kin? If he's married, it will be his wife. When he has his own kids, your kids will be relegated to niece/nephew status. Maybe remember that?

I think I need to have a few days to sit and think about how to proceed with things.

I know there is probably going to be a fall out of some description in the near future and I'm just really not looking forward to it

I have anxiety and fall out/ confrontation really affects me. Also, the thought of it being awkward from now on between them and I, because they think I don't like them or whatever just fills me with dread.

I have tried to broach the issue of them staying before with DH, the last time they came up or instance they all insisted on arriving on the Friday, even though DH was away for work and wasn't landing back in the UK until early hours Sat morning. I said I wasn't comfortable with them all arriving almost a whole day before he is due back. What was I going to do with them all?! His response was 'Speak to them, youre really good at making conversation with people. They want to arrive on the Friday and what exactly am I meant to say to them, oh no you can't arrive when I'm not here because you don't want to spen time with them alone, they're faaaamillly' (Peggy Mitchell style) Quite frankly I wanted to punch him in the face st that point.

They did all arrive the day before he was due home and didn't give a shit that I was stuck with them all, on my own for nearly 24 hours.

Just be careful when you have children of your own... your SIL will regard hers as 'first', and your DH will be being 'unfair' to hers by making his own children his favourites. This may well cause such ructions that she will never see you again.

Oh dear.

When your SIL is busy turning the conversation to reminiscing about times you weren't there, what does your DH do?

Presumably he just sits there enjoying it when what he should be doing is calling her out on it and saying 'We can talk about this another time, it's not fair on User to keep going on about stuff from so long ago. Anyway User, didn't we have a lovely time doing xyz together, shall we tell everyone else about it?' or something similar.

I'd be taking your DH to one side every single time SIL and MIL do something off as he probably can't see it, he is so deep in their dynamic.

i think you need to lay down some rules.

1. they don't come when he's not there.

1. max 4 days (or however long you can cope for)

1. minimum 4 months (or however long) between visits.

he needs to understand how upsetting this is for you.

and i'm afraid you will get some flack for this but you will whatever you do anyway. plus when you stop trying to please them all the time they may start having a bit of respect.

you could use the mn line of 'did you mean to be so rude ' when your mil pulls one of her nasty comments.

But have you directly addressed your SIL's rudeness with your DH? And if so, what does he say about it? If he's making excuses for her or isn't prepared to accept your point of view and start dealing with it then, quite frankly, (in the words of Mumsnet) you have a DH problem, not an IL one!!

I took my DH away from my sil? . What a load of old shit. I love my nieces and nephews but there is no way i could expend that amount of time and effort expected by your sil or wando and parent my own dc effectively.

My ILs come for the day 2/3 times a year. We go for the weekend the same and stay in s hotel. My like my ILs but the amount of visits you suggest would be intolerable. In any case, if someone is rude you don't have to spend time in their company. I wouldn't allow a visitor if they were as rude as yours. Your DH can visit them.

You and your husband cannot allow people to be rude to you in your own home. As it is his family, he needs to take your side and tell them.

NOW is the best time to strike, when the iron is hot.

I am not having your m or sister in my house again. The reason for this is that they are RUDE to me and/or ignore me in my own home. I have tried for FIVE LONG YEARS and they still treat me like crap. ENOUGH! That's it.

They will only change if you change your response to them.

Yup I would totally tell your DH you aren't prepared to have them there if he's away and let him tell them. In fact I would tell him that until they start treating you as a human being they are not welcome in your (shared) home while you are there. He needs to man-up and deal with it himself. If they behave like that already you won't make it any worse by being upfront.

OK, in response to the last time when they arrived when he wasn't there, I would have said:

The visits are mainly for your benefit, not mine. They have no need to come when you are not here.

As to what he says to them, it's not really your problem is it? But an obvious statement would be 'Sorry, Friday is not convenient for us. It will have to be Friday'.

'I don't know what to say to them' appears to be your DH's killer argument when it comes to his family isn't it? I don't think he actually has high status with them, he certainly has been well trained to do as he is told at all times and to think they are close when really they are just manipulative.