Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!

[User2005160]

This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.

Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)

I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.

I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.

DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.

Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.

We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.

Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.

Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!

DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!

Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?

I just feel so fed up.

I think you need to say to your DH that he is welcome to visit them but you will not tolerate having a houseguest (SIL) who does not speak to you. If he invites them then you will go and stay in a hotel.

You've put up with this a long time, given it a decent try. So are you going to do it for the next 20, simmering with anger every visit?

Personally I don't think that'll do you or your marriage any good. I'd calmly compose an email over the next few days and send it to all the family, just explaining that you won't be able to host in future due to the relationship between you and sil, and how you don't know how to heal it but can't cope with the rudeness anymore. Not blaming her but also not pretending it doesn't exist.
Yes they'll all go crazy but you aren't being unreasonable.

You just need to have lots of children in close succession so that you don't have room to put them up any more (or buy a smaller house!)

I think 5 days is far too long, suggest two as a compromise and then let your DH take them out on one of the days.

What is he supppsed to say?? I would suggest to him he says 1) how about asking them to stagger their visits having them all at once is a lot is there a reason they have to come on mass? 2) to your Sil she needs to make more effort to be polite going to some ones home and refusing to engage with them is rude!! Yes he should also suggest they host you occasionally but peroxide wouldnt fancy visiting till their behaviour was sorted out.

It sounds as though his family expect you to behave a certain way. And that way is a servant and a slave. And if you don't behave in the exact expected way, you are berrated and ridiculed.

Dh had a bunch of friends like this. They liked him but not me. The more I did the more they disliked me. Why? Because they were jealous of me. Your sil is incredibly jealous of you. I can only conclude she believed you stole her brother. She clearly wanted him for herself, which is wierd and creepy and all kinds of wrong.

Just be pleased that you are you (and not your sil) and start making plans and boundaries, which don't include them. Why do you care so much if you piss them off or they disapprove of you? Sounds like you are in FOG to me.

They only live 2.5 hours away. They can pop in for lunch then bugger off home. Absolutely no need to stay over.

Dh's family live 2.5 hours away. We go for the day because no one offers accommodation otherwise we wouldn't see them as they don't come here anymore and my SIL has never, ever fed me or offered me a cup of tea; despite many previous 3-5 day, all inclusive/maid serviced stays.

Why do they all have to stay with you for days at a time?

I can't give too much detail as it would be identifying, however, I have felt your pain.
In-Laws are/were a nightmare! FIL new wife would take me to one side to slag off my DH for all the things he did wrong as a teenager and warn me to watch myself! FIL lovely funny man but pussy whipped by this woman...had enough...we are now NC.
SIL and her brood...full on, loud, fart-for-fun type people, I tolerated years of snide comments, about my house, my DH her brother, butting into conversations, inviting herself and brood to our house and either eating like savages, or moaning about the food.
My favourite gem from her when defending DH "He's been my brother longer than he's been your husband"!
There is SO much...anyway...DH tried to speak to her about something she kept on saying/doing which was highly insensitive and left me in tears after every visit, she twisted it and made herself the victim and turned DH's family against him.
I told DH to sort things out between him and his family, however, I would no longer subject myself to her/them!
DH has and I'm glad for him as I know he loves them and visa versa (well...apart from his sister who always has and probably always will bully him but the rest of them have great affection for him)
I am NC with the lot of em!
I know DH is sad about it, but as I put it...I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way by anyone and have NC'd blood relatives for similar behaviours.
Life is way too short!
Sorry...I've gone on a bit...but in my opinion, people who behave like this (your SIL/MIL) are insecure and see you as a threat, they want to behave in a way that makes them feel they have some control over you and if not...that that have been as nasty as possible so on some level they can say 'I showed her'...
At some point my SIL may try and real me back in....if she does I've been practicing my F.O.T.T.F.S.O.F.A.W.Y.G.T.F.O.S.M

With respect to the posters suggesting a shorter visit/staggered visits/just come for lunch, I really think that is just avoiding the issue. The Op is being treated very badly by DH family and whether that's over a two day visit or a 3 hour lunch it's not ok.

Op has tried for 5 years and the situation hasn't improved. It's not for her to compromise, what would that even mean really? They can be rude but just not quite as frequently?

IMO it's up to DH to find out what their problem is with his wife and to make it clear that their rude behaviour isn't acceptable. If he or they can't deal with this then he can still have a relationship with them but in their homes and without Op. Whether she'll be able to have any respect for him if he chooses that option is another question I suppose...

Why don't you send dh to stay with them

AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!

YANBU - I am laid back but their rudeness would be too much for me. I wouldn't stop your DH from visiting but I simply would not bother going myself. What's the point - they sound like awful people. I wouldn't have bothered doing any hosting either. I'd have either gone out or spent the time reading.

'Your mother and sister did not say a civil word to me the while time they were here, nor did they the last x times. So they are not welcome in my house again. If you do invite them, i will not be here'

^^This.
Every time it's suggested.

He won't change unless you do.

I admit you've got the shitty stick with SIL op but some siblings and families are that close. Maybe you're not used to it but many are. My older brother will be seeing our child every other day and at least weekly. Why? Because he's his uncle and he wants to see him.

10 times a year is not a lot for a close family so maybe you should sympathise a little. I see my hairdresser more than that.

Also you took her brother away, for some sisters that's hard to deal with. He was her brother before he was ever your husband, and will be even if you don't last, maybe remember that?

Wando, Blimey. I'm a bit lost for words reading your comment. Blimey.

Fucking hell Wando are you serious??

wando are you the sil?

I feel your frustration OP. It's taken years to accept that my DF's other half is never going to like me no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be able to be right for being wrong, and it's actually nothing to do with me at all. The fact I exist is the source of the problem. There isn't a way to fix it, confronting it would make things ten times worse. What has helped is:

• giving myself permission to give up on trying to befriend/be nice enough/ make up for the last imagined slight
• accept there is no way to make this person happy and it's not my problem. I can only bring 50% of any relationship to the table.
• As far as possible manage and organise situations so they and I have as little time in conjunction as can be managed.

In your case: MiL and SiL are going to be vile to you if you're there. They're going to be just as vile to you if you're not there. You can't win and you're not supposed to: you are a breathing dumping ground for their issues. So why worry about anything but getting through dh's contact with them with the minimum stress to you?

Cheerful to dh: I don't mind when they come or how long they stay, but I'll be at x and I'll see you when they've gone. Because I've done all I can, and now I give up.

And just cheerfully blank all guilting, wailing, gnashing of teeth, drama, no apologies, no explanations, no engaging, its nothing to do with you. You tried. They weren't happy. So This Is How It Is. Have a lovely time together, bye bye. And go do something you'll enjoy until they go home again.

Erm no. The OP did not 'take her brother away'. He moved away FOR WORK and then started his own independent grown up life.

My sister lives up north, where she went to uni, and stayed. Her husband didn't 'take her away'. She's still my sister!!

I'm afraid I have no wise words to share with you other than they sound absolutely horrendous and I think they are basically still marking their territory every time they see him.

"He may be your DH but he's my DS/DB first and he always will be"

Kind of surprised your husband hasn't had a word with his sister tbh

Is your DH making the 5-6weekly trip back to his home town in addition to all these visits from the family down to you? That must mean that he sees them all every 3-4 weeks? Heck, he needs to break those apron strings!

All you can do is stand your ground, no more hosting their visits until they can be civil to you (and then only twice a year maximum). I bet your SIL doesn't host Christmas or Easter, no, it'd be too expensive to feed everyone! DH can go and see them as often as he feels necessary but that doesn't have to include you.

I would tell the SIL to her face that if she doesn't start being polite then she isn't welcome in your house. In fact I would ask in front of everyone exactly what her problem is and see if she tries to defend her revolting behaviour then if she didn't acknowledge it I would ask her to leave and not come back. It's YOUR house so why should you be made to feel uncomfortable for days on end because of someone's behaviour.

Wando so because a family is close it's perfectly acceptable for them to treat an in-law with contempt?

Does your brother treat your dh the way the SIL treats the OP? If not, why not? After all he was your brother long before your husband/partner was/is your husband/partner.

I'd have nobody in my home who couldn't at least maintain a basic standard of politeness to me or a member of my family.
What is your dh thinking of allowing his bloody sister to treat his wife i this way?
My sons are all stil quite young but in no way would allow me or their siblings to treat their partners in this way. He seriously needs to man the fuck up sorry!

I'll add a fourth starred point to that in case it's useful:

• On the occasions I DO have to be around that person I'm pleasant, polite, I do a lot of grey rock and I never talk about anything. Lots of mmns and smiles and how lovelys, but initiate nothing (that's taken as a declaration of war) and if anything's asked that's dodgy, immediately get a cup of tea, go to the loo, check on the dog etc.

Life is too short for people who want to be this hard work.