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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my children say please and thank you?

59 replies

flownthecoopkiwi · 17/04/2017 09:26

I have three small children under age of 10. Have spent these years saying "what's the magic word?" And going "P P P p!??!" like a mad woman...and now my children are very good at saying please and thank you.

I had thought it was one of the basics of parenting. I've even made my nieces and nephews say it...

But now I notice that family friends don't make their children say it, and often they don't either.

Is it out of fashion? Has there been some sort of parenting memo I didn't get?

OP posts:

EduCated · 17/04/2017 09:27

Yes, yours are the only polite children left in the world.

Hulababy · 17/04/2017 09:31

Most children I know say please and thank you. Not all need the constant reminding and often it's taught a little more discreet by good morning felling. Ime it is adults who forget the simple manners of please and thank you, especially when talking to children.

booellesmum · 17/04/2017 09:32

Mine have to say it and they are teens!
When they ask for something and don't say please they get ignored.
If they then mention I haven't got them x,y,z I just say I was waiting for them to ask politely.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 17/04/2017 09:33

I always insist that my five year old say it. Most of the time he doesn't need prompting and since manners cost nothing I hope that he uses them.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 17/04/2017 09:34

I teach reception. Most children know to say please and thank you with a small prompt.
Only one in my class at the moment will say thank you without a prompt. I find this to be about standard.

WaitrosePigeon · 17/04/2017 09:35

How could you possibly be unreasonable.

SalemSaberhagen · 17/04/2017 09:35

I agree that fewer children seem to say it. I saw my 6yo DN last week; 2 Easter eggs and money and not one thank you passed his lips. No please when asking for a drink either. It does jar me, I must admit.

ohdeaeyme · 17/04/2017 09:38

my 2.5 year old cant talk but has mastered using the signs for please and thank you

harderandharder2breathe · 17/04/2017 09:38

My Brownies (age 7-10) are generally pretty good, if a few haven't said thank you we make a big deal of praising the first one who does and then all the rest follow suit.

They also love to hold doors etc, manners is more than just please and thank you remember

Original poster

flownthecoopkiwi · 17/04/2017 09:41

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm not from the UK so had wondered if cultural differences existed with this.

Also I had perhaps unhelpfully prompted a family member's small child to say please and the parent didn't look pleased...

OP posts:

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 17/04/2017 09:41

I don't like the "magic word" to be honest.

dementedma · 17/04/2017 09:42

why is this in AIBU?

salem I would have removed the eggs and money and not given them back.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 17/04/2017 09:45

I discovered that you can't "make" a child say please and thank you. One of mine was unable to speak when put on the spot -which is what happens when a child is given something and everyone then stares at them- so actually couldn't say thank you. I ended up punishing him by not letting him have things until I realised he actually couldn't speak so it wasn't his fault. So I stopped trying to make him.

Now he is older and able to speak in more pressurised situations and says thank you.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 17/04/2017 09:49

I also don't like the magic word, because I think it confuses the meaning of please and thank you. IE you're getting something because you used magic words which get you things, rather than because you're grateful and appreciative.

It does grate when kids and adults have bad manners. My dd is 3 and almost always remembers, as do most of her little pals.

It can get embarrassing sometimes as dd points out when other children and adults don't say please or thank you. She's also quite exasperated that 1yo ds (just about saying "mummmmumum") hasn't mastered them yet

Bumbumtaloo · 17/04/2017 09:54

At times it feels like we are constantly reminding our dd's but I was pleasantly surprised when both of their teachers and dinner lady said both of them are so polite and always say please and thank you .

user1491572121 · 17/04/2017 09:55

YANBU and I've also noticed this.

FittonTower · 17/04/2017 10:00

I make my children say please and thank you. My brother and sister in law don't but actually I don't think my neice and nephew are any less polite than my two really, they don't snatch, they take turns well and they will tell me the tea I've cooked is lovely or they like the present I've bought them for their birthday is great or something. It's not the words so much as the sentiment when it comes to politeness sometimes

SearchingforGrandparents · 17/04/2017 10:21

My 2yr old says please & 'tha-kuuuu' and has done since about 11 months. Any child or adult that doesn't say please & thank you instantly loses my respect. Disgusting parenting.

Can someone please tell me what 'Good morning felling' is please?!?!?

Pouffealouffe · 17/04/2017 10:39

Of course YANBU, but I think you know that

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 17/04/2017 10:54

There are some cultural differences as well. I worked with a man who said that in his particular area of America, it would have been seen as being a bit impatient and condescending to say 'please' (or 'thank you') in the particular scenario we were talking about, which was ordering something in a canteen. He said it would have been seen as being sarcastic to someone who was doing a job like that, like you were saying they hadn't been fast enough or whatever. He was perfectly appreciative of the food and the work they were doing, was a nice and well-mannered person, but the specific words weren't part of what was considered good manners for his background.

I remember trying to explain that to someone else who had this automatic feeling of "horrible parenting" towards someone who didn't say please/thank you, and they simply wouldn't/couldn't accept that there were any differences. They felt that their definition of manners and politeness were the only ones.

nokidshere · 17/04/2017 11:19

I also hate "what's the magic word" along with "what do you say" and other such stuff.

When my children were small I would say "thank you mummy" if they forgot and eventually I stopped having to say it at all as they remembered more and more. I still say it now on the odd occasion that they forget.

As a childminder I also say it to the children I mind, it's much more effective than just telling them to say it or trying to make them guess what they have forgotten.

frazzlebedazzle · 17/04/2017 11:42

She's only little yet, but I don't make dd say please or thank you, but teach through modelling. If you're polite and model manners, they'll get there. What does it really mean if they're just parroting it?

Also find all the 'magic word' stuff tedious, a bit patronising and in small children can create an expectation they will get whatever it is so long as they please. It's also perfectly possible to ask for something politely without always reciting please.

FWIW dd is 22 months and has been saying 'tackoo' appropriately for a few months. Not every single time but she'll get there. If it's really needed in a certain situation I might say thank you for her, but no demanding she say it.

glitterglitters · 17/04/2017 11:52

We always make our 22 month old say please and thank you. And most of the time she does it unprompted. I also make sure I please and thank you as well. YANBU OP

glitterglitters · 17/04/2017 11:53

Through modelling though not through "what do we say? "

We also do bless you, pardon etc x

minionsrule · 17/04/2017 12:51

Also I had perhaps unhelpfully prompted a family member's small child to say please and the parent didn't look pleased...

Now this boils my piss. My DS has very good manners but if he ever forgets if anyone reminded him of his manners in front of me I would not be impressed - I will parent him thank you very much. I would never pull a child up on their manners, even if their parents are not around, just think its rude

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