To make my children say please and thank you?

[flownthecoopkiwi]

I have three small children under age of 10. Have spent these years saying "what's the magic word?" And going "P P P p!??!" like a mad woman...and now my children are very good at saying please and thank you.

I had thought it was one of the basics of parenting. I've even made my nieces and nephews say it...

But now I notice that family friends don't make their children say it, and often they don't either.

Is it out of fashion? Has there been some sort of parenting memo I didn't get?

[thatdearoctopus]

modelling the behaviours ourselves and gentle explanations are far better than getting cross when they forget.

Who has suggested that getting cross when they forget is a good option?

[Curious2468]

I hate when people try and force kids to say this. My son is on the autistic spectrum and also has a speech disorder. I don't always pick him up for forgetting to say please or thank you, especially if he has spoken politely but there have been a couple of times when someone else has commented. Its infuriating, belittles the parent and actually can cause the child quite a lot of unnecessary stress and upset.

When someone refers to 'magic words' or 'are you forgetting something?' etc my kids look totally confused. It's enough to stop them trying to talk or engage and can be counter productive.

So yes manners are great and we should all be aiming to teach our children this, but modelling the behaviours ourselves and gentle explanations are far better than getting cross when they forget.

[splendide]

My 3yo tantrums while screaming No THANK YOU!!! Very funny to watch

Yes I get this from mine! Also I think he thinks that "please" means something approximating "immediately wench". At least he's getting the habit I suppose!

[Daydream007]

Good manners cost nothing

[thethoughtfox]

It's basic social currency. Excuse me is also important.

[user1491572121]

Frazzle exactly! Small children often don't understand what they're saying fully. It takes time for them to grasp it.

[Lochan]

Frazzle

[frazzlebedazzle]

Lochan, I'll keep an eye on it!

[Blazedandconfused]

What the fuck?

You are asking if you are unreasonable for teaching your kids manners?

Fucks sake.

[Lochan]

Frazzle I can only say that method has not worked for my relative. She and her DH are both polite but neither child displays good manners.

I know a number of children with nicely mannered parents who have poor manners themselves.

If it's working for your DD, that's fantastic but it's not a sure fire method I'm afraid.

[frazzlebedazzle]

'A relative of mine agrees with a previous poster about having small children "parrot out" please and thank you when they didn't understand what it meant.

Her children are now early teens and never say please and thank you or express requests politely. It's really noticeable and they come across badly.

My own view is that it doesn't matter if the children don't (at first) understand what they are saying. Nice manners are formed by habit and it's a really easy skill to teach.

A child won't just suddenly start being polite at 13 if they haven't been taught how to behave previously.'

But the point is that you do teach them to behave, but by modelling rather than reciting. I genuinely think it sinks in quicker. I've only my experience to go on, but it has worked with dd so far.

Yes, they might need a bit of help now & again, you don't just leave them at sea with it all - but if you model good manners & politeness, they'll follow.

[Caillou]

I am not in the UK,

but make sure my 2 dd say please and thank you dd2 is only 22 months old so it is still a work in progress

But seeing my niece and nephew over here I am shocked by their lack or manners.

[SomethingBorrowed]

My 3yo tantrums while screaming No THANK YOU!!! Very funny to watch

[MerchantofVenice]

It's rude not to say please and thank you.

It's also a popular fallacy, trotted out by every generation since the dawn of time, that the young folk are 'getting worse' and that things are generally going to the dogs.

[hellokittymania]

It doesn't cost anything to be polite and yet it goes a long way. Thankfully many children I know have been taught to say these two words or to sign them.

[ToneDeafHamster]

Of course children should be taught to be polite. Manners cost nothing and are sorely lacking in our society these days.

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

I must admit 'ta' grates a bit, though.

I think that as with most things, its monkey see, monkey do.

If you smile, make eye contact, say please, thank you, excuse me, children pick up on that.

[user1491572121]

Kel, they can manage a version of "thank you" if they can speak. There's really no need for "ta".

[kel1493]

I teach my son to say it. We started with 'ta', but will move on to thank you as he gets older. We always say please and thank you to him, so he gets used to hearing the words.
And when he wants something we will say "would you like...?" He will say "Yeah". So we say "yes please". And after we say "say thank you", and he says "ta".
Good manners cost nothing.

[Lochan]

A relative of mine agrees with a previous poster about having small children "parrot out" please and thank you when they didn't understand what it meant.

Her children are now early teens and never say please and thank you or express requests politely. It's really noticeable and they come across badly.

My own view is that it doesn't matter if the children don't (at first) understand what they are saying. Nice manners are formed by habit and it's a really easy skill to teach.

A child won't just suddenly start being polite at 13 if they haven't been taught how to behave previously.

I recently served food to 25 kids on a Scout camp. Only two of the children said either please or thank you.

I was actually really pissed off at a load of 9 year olds barking "apple pie" or "I want chocolate cake" at me.

Good manners cost nothing and are very valuable. Just look at the number of MN threads about people not saying thank you!

[Spikeyball]

Ds is non verbal and so cannot say please or thank you so I say it for him.
What is annoying is when he is given something with the person giving it saying "ta", particularly when said repeatedly.

[MatildaTheCat]

I do think there are very big cultural differences with this. My SIL is from a country where it's rare to say please or thank you and lots of messages are very short and to the point- rude by many people's standards here in the UK.

I have a very close relationship with her and her DC and they almost never spoke politely in relation to this subject. I've gently prompted them over the years ( I fully appreciate some parents would hate this but she doesn't mind) because they live in a culture where it does matter and people do judge what they perceive of as bad manners.

They are miles better now. It's such a small thing but most people appreciate a please or a thank you.

[Fingalswave]

Splendide I have personally witnessed this over half a dozen times (London). I'm not sure I understand it totally, but from one parent it was about her son expressing "truthfulness" and for another it was about their DC not blankly reciting phrases that they don't fully understand and it being the other person's choice to give a present, so according to them, no thanks were necessary. As I say I don't understand it myself and I believe a child who is too young to properly understand should be taught to say thank you simply so that it becomes a habit when they do.

[HemiDemiSemiquaver]

PASS ME THE SALT FFS

Now that, I think, in almost any culture, would be a bit ill-mannered

[ChickenMe]

PASS ME THE SALT FFS