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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my children say please and thank you?

59 replies

flownthecoopkiwi · 17/04/2017 09:26

I have three small children under age of 10. Have spent these years saying "what's the magic word?" And going "P P P p!??!" like a mad woman...and now my children are very good at saying please and thank you.

I had thought it was one of the basics of parenting. I've even made my nieces and nephews say it...

But now I notice that family friends don't make their children say it, and often they don't either.

Is it out of fashion? Has there been some sort of parenting memo I didn't get?

OP posts:

RachelRagged · 17/04/2017 12:52

Of course YANBU OP

StUmbrageinSkelt · 17/04/2017 12:54

My stepdaughter was taught she never needed to say please or thank you.

Yeah that went well for her in the long run.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 17/04/2017 13:02

My cousins did that to me with their then-4-year old, who didn't know me well at all. On and on and on at the poor shy mite, they would not let it drop. My toes were curling.

With my own, I've developed a compromise where if she's not brave enough to say it to right now, she can say it to me and I'll pass it on. DD seems happy with that and it changes the focus from scary public speaking back to good manners, IYSWIM.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 17/04/2017 13:04

One of mine was unable to speak when put on the spot

My post above was in reply to this from Burn, but I forgot to paste the quote!

Fingalswave · 17/04/2017 13:05

I've certainly noticed children saying it less (hoiks judgey pants) and (slightly off point) you get the parents who don't insist on their DC saying thank you unless they "fully mean it" which leads to some poor aunt or gp who hasn't quite bought the right thing but has nonetheless gone to the trouble of thinking of the child, choosing, paying, wrapping, transporting a present - not being thanked for their trouble.

Meekonsandwich · 17/04/2017 13:06

I work in retail and I promise you manners haven't died. Quite the opposite,
Young children right up to early 20s nearly always say please and thank you, and I swear it's the middle aged and older that are the worst. They act entitled like "it's your job to serve me what I want so why would I say thank you?"
It's shocking the amount of times a transaction goes like this:
"Hi, how are you, what can get for you?"
"2 white coffees."
"here you are, thank you very much"
Aaaaaand they walk off without so much as a thanks!

splendide · 17/04/2017 13:14

you get the parents who don't insist on their DC saying thank you unless they "fully mean it" hmm which leads to some poor aunt or gp who hasn't quite bought the right thing but has nonetheless gone to the trouble of thinking of the child, choosing, paying, wrapping, transporting a present - not being thanked for their trouble.

I've never heard of this - you must live in a uniquely rude town or something.

corythatwas · 17/04/2017 13:36

Not out of fashion around here: my dc do it as a matter of course though I have to keep reminding myself as my first language does not use "please" in the same way (otoh we have other polite words for other situations which I now feel vaguely bereft because I cannot use).

ChickenMe · 17/04/2017 13:43

I know a parent or two who subscribes to the idea of never prompting a please or thank you and similarly they don't believe in promoting a sorry either
My two year old remembers occasionally-I prompt her. I wouldn't stand there and force her.
Interestingly it IS cultural. Other languages have polite forms of the verb- you don't hear the "would you mind awfully please if you would be so kind thank you so much" sort of language in Spain. They are a lot more blunt. Saying "would you me the salt?" would not be considered rude.
I work with the public and I hate rudeness eg "have you got the time?" "Yes thanks" or "I need to charge my phone" "Do you?"

ChickenMe · 17/04/2017 13:43

PASS ME THE SALT FFS

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 17/04/2017 13:51

PASS ME THE SALT FFS

Now that, I think, in almost any culture, would be a bit ill-mannered

Fingalswave · 17/04/2017 13:54

Splendide I have personally witnessed this over half a dozen times (London). I'm not sure I understand it totally, but from one parent it was about her son expressing "truthfulness" and for another it was about their DC not blankly reciting phrases that they don't fully understand and it being the other person's choice to give a present, so according to them, no thanks were necessary. As I say I don't understand it myself and I believe a child who is too young to properly understand should be taught to say thank you simply so that it becomes a habit when they do.

MatildaTheCat · 17/04/2017 14:06

I do think there are very big cultural differences with this. My SIL is from a country where it's rare to say please or thank you and lots of messages are very short and to the point- rude by many people's standards here in the UK.

I have a very close relationship with her and her DC and they almost never spoke politely in relation to this subject. I've gently prompted them over the years ( I fully appreciate some parents would hate this but she doesn't mind) because they live in a culture where it does matter and people do judge what they perceive of as bad manners.

They are miles better now. It's such a small thing but most people appreciate a please or a thank you.

Spikeyball · 17/04/2017 14:08

Ds is non verbal and so cannot say please or thank you so I say it for him.
What is annoying is when he is given something with the person giving it saying "ta", particularly when said repeatedly.

Lochan · 17/04/2017 14:27

A relative of mine agrees with a previous poster about having small children "parrot out" please and thank you when they didn't understand what it meant.

Her children are now early teens and never say please and thank you or express requests politely. It's really noticeable and they come across badly.

My own view is that it doesn't matter if the children don't (at first) understand what they are saying. Nice manners are formed by habit and it's a really easy skill to teach.

A child won't just suddenly start being polite at 13 if they haven't been taught how to behave previously.

I recently served food to 25 kids on a Scout camp. Only two of the children said either please or thank you.

I was actually really pissed off at a load of 9 year olds barking "apple pie" or "I want chocolate cake" at me.

Good manners cost nothing and are very valuable. Just look at the number of MN threads about people not saying thank you!

kel1493 · 17/04/2017 14:30

I teach my son to say it. We started with 'ta', but will move on to thank you as he gets older. We always say please and thank you to him, so he gets used to hearing the words.
And when he wants something we will say "would you like...?" He will say "Yeah". So we say "yes please". And after we say "say thank you", and he says "ta".
Good manners cost nothing.

user1491572121 · 17/04/2017 14:34

Kel, they can manage a version of "thank you" if they can speak. There's really no need for "ta".

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 17/04/2017 14:35

I must admit 'ta' grates a bit, though.

I think that as with most things, its monkey see, monkey do.

If you smile, make eye contact, say please, thank you, excuse me, children pick up on that.

ToneDeafHamster · 17/04/2017 14:36

Of course children should be taught to be polite. Manners cost nothing and are sorely lacking in our society these days.

hellokittymania · 17/04/2017 14:39

It doesn't cost anything to be polite and yet it goes a long way. Thankfully many children I know have been taught to say these two words or to sign them.

MerchantofVenice · 17/04/2017 14:41

It's rude not to say please and thank you.

It's also a popular fallacy, trotted out by every generation since the dawn of time, that the young folk are 'getting worse' and that things are generally going to the dogs.

SomethingBorrowed · 17/04/2017 14:43

My 3yo tantrums while screaming No THANK YOU!!! Very funny to watch

Caillou · 17/04/2017 14:52

I am not in the UK,

but make sure my 2 dd say please and thank you dd2 is only 22 months old so it is still a work in progress

But seeing my niece and nephew over here I am shocked by their lack or manners.

frazzlebedazzle · 17/04/2017 15:26

'A relative of mine agrees with a previous poster about having small children "parrot out" please and thank you when they didn't understand what it meant.

Her children are now early teens and never say please and thank you or express requests politely. It's really noticeable and they come across badly.

My own view is that it doesn't matter if the children don't (at first) understand what they are saying. Nice manners are formed by habit and it's a really easy skill to teach.

A child won't just suddenly start being polite at 13 if they haven't been taught how to behave previously.'

But the point is that you do teach them to behave, but by modelling rather than reciting. I genuinely think it sinks in quicker. I've only my experience to go on, but it has worked with dd so far.

Yes, they might need a bit of help now & again, you don't just leave them at sea with it all - but if you model good manners & politeness, they'll follow.

Lochan · 17/04/2017 15:30

Frazzle I can only say that method has not worked for my relative. She and her DH are both polite but neither child displays good manners.

I know a number of children with nicely mannered parents who have poor manners themselves.

If it's working for your DD, that's fantastic but it's not a sure fire method I'm afraid.

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