Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Velvet
"I was induced (BP concerns) with my last and denied an epidural eight times by the consultant on the grounds I had done it before without one"
That's appalling - did you make a complaint? I hope so!

Not only do they not have a legal right to decide on pain relief, they have no legal right to be present. It's entirely at the discretion of the mother.

You'd think that'd give your man something to think about.

Your body your choice.

If my DH had done that to me, it would be unlikely that we'd still be in a relationship, let alone having another child together, but if we were, I don't think I'd want him there for the birth - I'd have my mum or sister instead.

Question: "Who is in labour?"
Answer: "You."
Question: "Who decides what happens?"'
Answer: "You." (obviously)

I for one am petrified of anything needle and would avoid it if at all possible, though in hindsight it's never so bad as I'd thought . That means no epidurals or they have to basically give me tranquilisers first. Beating me unconscious with a wooden hammer would also do, I guess.
I'm also petrified of doctors doing what they please, so no hospitals for me, unless absolutely necessary.
In my birth centre there will be my hubby and one midwife for me alone, though no pain relief apart from homeopathy, massage, accupuncture (?) and a pool, as well as some pep talk from both (I suppose/hope).
But my God, if I changed my mind about pain relief and my husband even dared to contradict, he wouldn't hear the end of it. Not for a long time.

When I came to view the birth centre, the midwife said they absolutely want hubbies on board, because they don't want 'stupid statements like, "you should've gone to hospital, shouldn't you".' I said 'My husband has nothing to want. I do it, he shouldn't complain.' She smiled, though I think she found it weird because it's also 50% his child after all. Maybe I'm terribly egocentric in this.

I hope I make it.

Eastername it was a long time ago (mine are all 20s now) - I had assumed information was much better now.

At my official antenatal classes risks were emphasised with no explanation on how these are managed or mitigated. So for example I was told I had some fairly major contraindications (back problems and low blood pressure being two they particularly picked up on) and would have been scared off were it not for the more measured NCT classes and advice from the relevant specialists. I honestly don't think the trainer understood how epidurals work.

No context was provided for the risk - I found the stats myself and realised the risk emphasis was not merited. I asked about how I might mitigate those factors but no advice was given on this (I was high risk for a Caesar and had some contra indications for epidural/spinal block wanted to be ready in case of spinal block which carries a lot of the same risk factors).

Luckily I saw the Consultant that visit and asked again - she helped me get the info I needed from the relevant specialties in addition to her own. Bear in mind that I started out from the viewpoint that epidurals were my last choice anyway - it was only my need for factual data which drove me to get more info.

As it turned out I did end up with epidural on that occasion but because I was prepared and had the extra info in my notes the right help was on hand - I avoided the side effects as well as the Caesar.

It should not have been a fight to get basic information on risk management and mitigation and I'm disappointed to hear women still getting the same treatment. Most women left that antenatal class convinced that epidurals are a sign of failure or massively risky neither of which is true.

Even my v abusive exh didn't dictate anything around the birth. I'm v shocked by this thread.

Unfortunately not necessarily the case that information has improved over the past 20 years.

[epidurals] They do have the potential to significantly change the nature of the labour/ birth

yes possibly but since the OP has already said that she was already on a drip and dehydrated the immobility is not really a factor here is it? The factor is a woman's autonomy being denied her at a time of massive vulnerability with no reason given other than her husband said 'no'.

I find it very upsetting that your husband didn't want you to have pain relief, I just can't get my head around it. When I had my DDs my DH literally went along with whatever I said I wanted and was nothing but supportive. Anything else would be a deal breaker for me.
Is your DH otherwise controlling? If you DS needs pain relief what are your DHs views on this?

OP I totally get this. My only birth plan was to try to avoid an epidural. My theory was that no epidural = less chance of a section. I wasn't keen on a section because I do a type of sport that I could do fairly quickly again with a vaginal birth, but not for much longer if I had a section.

However, my baby didn't want to come out and I had to be induced and they needed MASSIVE doses of syntocin (sp?) to get me dilated. My DP nipped out and in his absence things heated up and midwife advised an epidural for abc reasons. I said yes please. Had epidural, DP returned to me, and was noticeably pissed off that I had had an epidural! Birth was fine in the end and am very very glad I had it.

I ignored him but tbh have always thought what a twattish thing for him to have expressed an opinion. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was worried that they had pressured me in to it. But still.

So, OP, you are NBU.

Thanks again all for taking the time to post. Re comments asking about other controlling behaviour, I wouldn't describe him as controlling per se but he can be very black and white. Something is either good or it's bad and there isn't much grey. When he thinks something is bad then there is no changing his mind. In this instance he thought having an epidural was bad and seemingly no amount of pain on my part was changing his mind.

I do love dh and I suppose it's because I love him that I was hurt by how he behaved. He can be very caring and supportive but he can be stubborn when he feels strongly about something.

I'm shocked.

On what planet did your DH think he had ANY right to dictate your pain relief. Or the MW for that matter.. an epidural is hardly rare.. the norm I would imagine

Ok, but why is he feeling so strongly about YOUR pain relief?

Surely he sees that you are the only person able to (and entitled to) make a decision on this

Anecdotally it does seem like there has been a shift against recommending epidurals by midwives and in prenatal classes. Many of my friends have experienced resistance to epidurals when in they were in labour.

I'm cynical so I wonder if it's based not so much on the "risks" of epidurals but on staffing shortages (you need an anesthesiologist to perform the procedure) and epidurals have been linked to a slight increase in the chance of needing a cesarean which again means more medical staff being required. My SIL has had 3 children, she used an epidural each time (no caesareans) and thoroughly recommends the procedure to me, she's an obstetrician!

Something to look out for as parenthood is largely grey areas IMO.

Don't feel pressured into having him as a birth partner again if the issue arises.

One more thing. Although I still feel upset and resentful about what happened, this isn't an everyday, all consuming resentment. It's just that I find it pops back into my head on a semi regular basis and when it does I feel angry.

I suspect that part of the reason for this is that I've not fully got how upset this made me across to dh. I know it's not healthy to hold on to resentment and I'm going to digest all these comments and then chat to dh about it. Not in a horrible way but in an honest way.

Thanks again for all the comments. It's been therapeutic just to talk about it and validating to hear that others would have been upset too.

But her husband didn't deny her an epidural did he? the medical team in the hospital did.

The midwife should have been listening to her and the mid wife has made the call not to get the epidural. DH can't make them choices on behalf of the OP. From what the OP has said she was asking for the epidural the midwife was the one saying she was coping and DH was asking would she have any other form of pain relief?

If he's never seen anyone give birth before he's going off what the professional thinks and their opinion. He's obviously been given information about epidural and formed his own opinion but the midwife didn't help ease any fears about the bad things he's heard to form his opinion.

OP I'm not in anyway saying that your experience isn't bad it is, but I think your resentment towards your husband for this situation is aimed at the wrong person.

And I meant that when I cried feeling like a failure having the epidural the second time it was the midwives who were the ones that reassured me that I wasn't. It wouldn't have meant anything coming from my DH because there is no way in the world he could know what I was going through because it is impossible for a man to go through that experience the same way a woman does obviously

Absolutely fucking Unreasonable. What a wankstain I'm afraid. He has no right to comment on your treatment of your body.

I've been a birthing partner to someone who has said before birth , whatever I say don't let me have an epidural, and without the midwives knowing this they have always tried to talk her out of it, both (and the 3rd when I wasn't there) because they said she was too close to giving birth. If she has not been so sure that she didn't want it I would absolutely have been fighting for her to have one.

He's obviously been given information about epidural and formed his own opinion

No he hasn't. He has been given the laminated list of risks which elicited an opinion - in now way can that be considered an informed opinion. I'm disappointed at the midwife's attitude to a woman in a long and painful labour who was already immobilised by a drip (the medical one not the DH).

If he is too self opinionated to look at his partner and ask questions then he will make a bad birthing partner. That isn't irredeemable - as others have said parenting is all about the shades of grey

It doesn't matter whether he sees things in black and white or neon pink with polka dots. His opinions on epidurals aren't fucking relevant.

I can't believe some PPs are putting all the blame on the midwife and not him (someone even feels sorry for him, WTF?!) - that seems a bit sexist to me. He had no right to express his opinion, let alone insist on it. He should have been listening to and supporting his wife, united with her in requesting an epidural, not joining forces with the midwife to bully her into having other pain relief instead

OK, so he sees things in black and white - well here are some black and white facts for him.

• It's YOUR body, not his.
• YOU are the one in labour, not him.
• YOU are the one in pain, not him.
• He has NO authority to deny you medical intervention if you ask for it.

So I suggest that you give him those facts and ask him where there is any element of 'grey' in them.

In this instance he thought having an epidural was bad and seemingly no amount of pain on my part was changing his mind.

The OP has said he thought the epidural was bad well before getting the laminated list off the midwife that was only given after her two requests for one.He already had an opinion/worries whatever you want to call it before he went into the room.

Don't get me wrong I don't think her DH supported her enough and should have questioned more but you can't judge him without knowing the full circumstances. Maybe he isn't a great birthing partner but that doesn't make him the worst in the world. The OP has let this play over in her mind for two years and never spoken to her DH about it. If she comes back on and says he's not sorry admitted he handled the situation badly whatever then obviously he should never have been in the birthing room in the first place. In the same breathe tho I'd be questioning why the midwife would have even listened to his requests and gone through with them without listening to the OP. That's like someone's wife going into the trauma unit and the dr coming out and asking the husband can they give wife pain relief? Obviously it just would never happen.

That's why I feel the majority of the blame or resentment for this situation should be aimed at the midwife and not the DH. The midwife should have listened to OP's requests and ordered the epidural. As everyone keeps saying OP's body OP's choice.