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Original poster

Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

381 replies

palmtree90 · 17/04/2017 08:41

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

OP posts:
DaemonPantalaemon · 17/04/2017 15:36

Really sorry, I posted on wrong thread, hugs to you!

MadameDePomPom · 17/04/2017 15:37

It was her husband's job to support his wife. You felt like a failure for having an epidural so you clearly aren't coming from an objective place.

Piratesandpants · 17/04/2017 15:40

Bluenose - well said

MadameDePomPom · 17/04/2017 15:40

And twice vocally opposing her request for an epidural is not support.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2017 15:43

OP just to reassure - my comments about a bad attitude to prep were actually responding to the midwife who posted to say they don't talk much about epidurals for fear of creating expectation/fear. It is very difficult first time around to know that your antenatal classes and prep were bluntly piss poor until its too late.

I'm slightly interested in how she handled a back to back labour - a good midwife in this scenario can make the difference between a quick recovery and a horrible experience and she may simply have not been a good or experience practitioner. The idea that someone not prepared being 'refreshing' is just weird.

I would cut more slack for DH than midwife but not that much more frankly. A birthing partner's one job is to support the woman and act as advocate and considering you had no strong feelings against epidurals and repeatedly asked for them during labour he failed to do that. That is something he has to come to terms with just as you have to come to terms with his lack of support so that if you have another child you can both look forward to it and have a better experience next time.

Eastername · 17/04/2017 15:50

bluenose her DH may well have been feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation, but his wife was vomiting and in clear pain and distress and he discouraged her from getting the pain relief she needed and asked for. It's difficult to dismiss that as just him being a first timer not knowing what to do. I'm not suggesting it was deliberately malicious and he may not be controlling at all in the rest of their relationship but why feel sorry for him? OP went through a trauma and wasn't given the support she needed by her H. He's not the one who suffered through it, and his behaviour is something I personally would find difficult to reconcile. Hopefully they'll be able to work through it together but regardless of it being two years ago it was a big deal and he needs to be aware (and massively sorry) before they can move on.

MrsMeeseeks · 17/04/2017 15:54

I'm so sorry you went through that, OP. I don't blame you one bit for being angry with him - I am furious just reading about it.

I hope you can find a way to work through this together.

lalalalyra · 17/04/2017 15:55

In the OP's shoes I'd be feeling let down. You need to talk this through with your DP, properly, before you do it again.

It's different if it's for your own good. My DH wouldn't "allow" me to have pethidine in my last labour, but that's because we discussed it beforehand as it makes me vomit. In that "OMG this hurts" moment I forgot with DD3 and accepted pethidine and it made me feel worse. So that's an acceptable intervention, stopping someone getting pain relief they hadn't expressly discussed is wrong.

UnbornMortificado · 17/04/2017 15:57

I am so sorry you went through that Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2017 16:09

This further exemplifies why I hate the 'we're pregnant' bullshit, it makes some men think they have equal ownership of the pregnancy and the labour. This bears repeating.

Eastername · 17/04/2017 16:17

This further exemplifies why I hate the 'we're pregnant' bullshit, it makes some men think they have equal ownership of the pregnancy and the labour. This bears repeating.

Oh God yes. I know it's well meant but it's awful!

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 16:22

I don't think it's well meant, I think it's quite sinister and completely undermines the role of women in pregnancy and labour leading to men like the chump under discussion who think they're in a position to withhold pain relief.

Pregnancy and childbirth are serious, potentially life threatening. Minimising that does women no favours. Qui bono, i hear you ask. Men who can't tolerate not being completely in charge of a process that will change their lives.

Eastername · 17/04/2017 16:26

You wouldn't hear me asking 'qui bono' as I'm not sure what that means Grin. Other than that, I agree. When I say it's well meant, I'm thinking of the slightly cringey way I've seen it said on American TV shows tbh! But absolutely, it's taking away from the woman's centrality and agency in the whole process. I've always hated the phrase.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 16:27

Yes, well it'd help if my autocorrect didn't change cui to qui or if I proofread...

Eastername · 17/04/2017 16:28

Still none the wiser Blush. Although I have at least seen that before!

grannytomine · 17/04/2017 16:32

When I had my first baby in 1971 my husband couldn't stay for the birth. In the city where I was living there were 3 maternity hospitals/hospitals with a maternity unit and only one allowed fathers to stay for the birth. Many of us fought this and of course men staying became the norm. By the time I was having my 4th 20 years later I was happy for my husband to be there for the birth but I tend to have long labours and didn't want him there for the whole labour. I found it infuriating that midwives kept pressuring me to get him to come to the hospital. He phoned regularly and everytime I asked the midwives to tell him all was well and no need for him to come yet.

I think it is sad that something we fought for has now been turned against us so that men want to control labour and midwives, well the ones I had, seem to be complicit in this.

Why do we have to go from one extreme to the other? Surely it is possible for a woman to have her husband/partner with her if she wants but not have it forced on her and certainly not have him calling the shots.

Naicehamshop · 17/04/2017 16:39

Totally feel for you, op. Personally, I think your dh is more to blame than the midwife. He knows y, ffs - he must have realised when you were in agony and vomiting with every contraction that you needed every ounce of his help and support? What was he thinking? Sad

Speak to him, and don't let him minimise or dismiss your feelings. Flowers

JanetBrown2015 · 17/04/2017 16:52

I told my husband to do all in his power to ensure I didn't get epidurals. So it does rather depend on what you've both agreed before hand.

hackmum · 17/04/2017 16:56

"You have no idea how he was feeling watching you in that much pain some people don't handle that very well seeing someone they love in extreme pain."

Yup. They handle it so badly that they refuse to let them have pain relief even though they're screaming for it. Quite frankly, I think the DH is bloody lucky that the OP didn't kick him in the testicles and laugh in his face.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2017 17:16

I told my husband to do all in his power to ensure I didn't get epidurals. So it does rather depend on what you've both agreed before hand.

Well possibly but since the OP made it clear in her OP that this was not the case the point is moot.

Out of interest what deterred you from an epidural? Was it some specific contraindication you have or were you put off by the antenatal classes? I got my education on epidurals from a pain specialist and subsequently was amazed at the bad info circulating from ante natal classes. It left me much better equipped to make a decision when the time came.

Eastername · 17/04/2017 17:19

C8H10N4O2 Just out of interest, what kind of misinformation? I feel like there's a lot of nonsense about pain relief in childbirth and I'm really interested to know what information you had. We should all be better informed about this so we can advocate for ourselves, and each other, IMO!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 17:23

That's a bizarre definition of support you're working with there bluenose.

I'm a midwife and it is never mine or my colleagues goal to deny epidurals or 'put people off' (had a lovely epidural myself early on with DS!) There is however a degree of judgment that is required about how you respond to questions about epidurals with women in labour. They do have the potential to significantly change the nature of the labour/ birth (catheters, IV drips, restricted movement, hospital gowns, longer labours, increased risks of forceps and ventouse etc as well as very very rare serious complications).

Out of interest eastendqueen are you expected to tell patients that epidurals increase the risk of forceps and ventouse, rather than simply being associated with higher usage? Because that would worry me rather, especially with someone who's in the middle of a back to back labour. We know that women who have epidurals are more likely to experience an instrumental delivery, but there's a rather woeful lack of research on women who are experiencing the sort of complications where women are more likely to ask for an epidural, but don't have one.

NameSame · 17/04/2017 17:25

This would 100% be the end of my relationship - I'm livid for you. Flowers

Evelight · 17/04/2017 17:26

my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural

I'm struggling to wrap my head round this sentence in particular. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? What if he didn't agree? More broadly, do partners have some sort of legal rights about the painkiller used/ mode of childbirth? Could he have somehow enforced his dis/agreement?

I mean yes I'm with all the other posters in that I'm appalled at DH's behaviour etc, but that sentence is particularly enraging!

Naicehamshop · 17/04/2017 17:32

Completely agree Evelight! Sad

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