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Original poster

Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

381 replies

palmtree90 · 17/04/2017 08:41

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 19:53

But it's not an either/or situation. The midwife and the husband can both be in the wrong. Which they are. The midwife should have listened to the OP and given her an epidural. But she was just her midwife. The husband is her life partner. He should have been on her side when she was in so much pain she was vomiting. The OP doesn't have to live with midwife, she does have to live with her husband. Well she doesn't, she could LTB, but you see what I mean.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 19:55

AnotherEmma how is it sexist?

I've explained that I don't think OPs experience was good in anyway. Her DH expressed an opinion and the midwife who is supposed to be the trained medical professional listened to his opinion over her patients? I don't think so?

I think the midwife didn't want OP to have epidural. The husband as no rights to decide what pain relief his wife can have so why didn't the midwife listen to her patient and get the epidural for her?

I'm not saying that the husband handled the situation very well and could have supported his wife more and possibly could have been more prepared for what he was going into, but to say it is all his fault and he's completely to blame is wrong.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 20:00

"to say it is all his fault and he's completely to blame is wrong"

Except that's not what I said at all! And I don't think anyone else said it either. I said they're both wrong and thing most people said the same thing.

I do think it's sexist to make excuses for men who are clearly in the wrong, it's to do with ingrained / unconscious sexism learned from a society that has much lower expectations of men than women, makes excuses for men more than it does for women, and blames women more than it does men.

I think women's rights in pregnancy and childbirth are a feminist issue. But I apologise if I'm derailing the thread. Whether or not we agree there is sexism involved, I think we all agree that the OP was not given the care she deserved.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/04/2017 20:05

Velvet that's fucked up

Being induced is like the ferarri testarossa of labour pains . It's unbearable to handle that without pain relief

When I had a normal birth the second time I was pleasantly surprised that I could handle it

The enhanced pain from the drip is just ... off the scale

Pigface1 · 17/04/2017 20:07

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I do agree with PP that the lion's share of the blame lies with the midwife. You were the patient. You asked for something you were perfectly entitled to have. You were refused it. The blame for that lies squarely with the midwife.

I also agree with a PP that women's rights in pregnancy and childbirth are a feminist issue. Refusing a woman the pain relief she wants during labour is a form of abuse in my view.

motherinferior · 17/04/2017 20:15

It's hardly news that lots of us change our minds about pain relief while in labour.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/04/2017 20:16

Her DH expressed an opinion

Based on absolutely no understanding of what the OP was going through but too much arrogance to understand that.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 20:24

So just to play devils advocate if this uninformed opinion would have been expressed by OP's mother/sister/aunt/friend and the midwife would have followed the same steps and not arranged an epidural for OP would everyone's opinion on the situation be exactly the same?

I'm just curious with it being a feminist/ sexist issue whether a woman's opinion bears more weight than a mans who's helped to conceive the child? And would the midwife have still been in the right to listen to their opinions over her patients?

MadameDePomPom · 17/04/2017 20:27

If the OP had a female partner who vocally opposed her accessing an epidural my opinion would be exactly the same. See also mother, friend, sister... The OP was in labour, the fact she was in labour with his child gives him no rights to dictate to her the treatment she receive.

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 20:31

No you are right madam and at no point have I said he was in the right for saying she shouldn't have an epidural, but he is allowed an opinion it's his baby to.

The midwife shouldn't be listening to anyone in that room other than the patient tho and it was the midwife who denied the op the pain relief she requested not the husband.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 20:31

Yes, if her birth partner had been a woman, my opinion would have been exactly the same (they had no right to a say in her pain relief and their role was to support her, not gang up against her with the midwife).

However, I expect there would have been fewer people making excuses for the birth partner if it had been a woman. I bet there would have been comments like "as a woman she should have understood / known better / listened / been supportive"...

But then women are conditioned to listen and be supportive, rather than push their opinions about things they know little about, so this is much less likely to have happened in the first place if the birth partner had been a woman rather than a man.

NameChange30 · 17/04/2017 20:32

"he is allowed an opinion it's his baby to."

Well the baby wasn't having the epidural, the mother was. Their baby but her body.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/04/2017 20:33

I gave birth in the Netherlands where they are fairly strong on "natural" birth (overly so in my opinion). Even there, the mid-wife made it clear that that is one area the partner has no say in AT ALL it's shocking that your midwife went with what he said not you. And I understand about the being shocked/quiet from pain. Im the same- I go really quiet and into myself when in pain. I kept getting told at one point "you can shout if you need to because they thought I was deliberately repressing myself but physically I just couldn't...

MadameDePomPom · 17/04/2017 20:33

Vocally opposing her twice when she requested an epidural goes beyond having a mere opinion. He prevented her accessing pain relief when she was at her weakest, and there is no excuse for that.

hargreaves30 · 17/04/2017 20:33

This is such a personal thing, no one has the right to tell you what pain relief you can have! I would be annoyed too

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/04/2017 20:35

Midwives are fairly naturally biased against epidurals - we know they slow things down , we know about the cascade of interventions etc . As wonderful as they are - they are often a pre cursor to a more complex birth

Midwife was doing her job

Whereas the Husband did not have her back - or support her in her most vulnerable moment

anyway I think it's an emotive topic and easy to project but I 100% understand why OP is pissed

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/04/2017 20:35

Also - the decision on pain relief rests with the person IN PAIN. It's got nothing to do with who conceived the child. If a woman was using a surrogate she should also have no say whatsoever in the pain relief the surrogate receives, even if the baby is genetically hers. Same for the father.

MadameDePomPom · 17/04/2017 20:36

He colluded with the midwife. Yes I'd be furious at the midwife but I would feel utterly incandescent and betrayed by my partner, the person who is supposed to have my back, not allowing me autonomy over my own body.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 17/04/2017 20:36

No. Not their body. Not giving birth. Dh wouldn't have been able to get between me a the gas and air. Not that he tried!

JacquesHammer · 17/04/2017 20:36

Well the baby wasn't having the epidural, the mother was. Their baby but her body*

This very strongly. As I said earlier Ex-H wasn't keen on me using pethidine because of the potential effects on the baby. I agreed fully because there were other options there for me. He would never have stopped pain relief

hopeful31yrs · 17/04/2017 20:39

I still feel resentment 3 years down the line after being told I wasn't in labour with my DD who was back to back. Finally checked at 10cm and too late for any analgesia except gas and air. This was on the part of the midwives - I feel resentful that my choices were removed even though I didn't have a birth plan either. Ended up with forceps in theatre. It completely made me distrustful in my second pregnancy and I chose to have an elective section. My DH was however on my side and I made sure he was on the right page prior to labour and my advocate when I knew I wasn't going to be potentially make sense or be in too much pain. Despite having a proactive DH it was still the midwives who should have listened to me and they should have listened to you and been your advocate. Ultimately, your wishes should have been adhered to and too frequently I have seen or heard midwives be dismissive or try to hold off on analgesia when they should listen to the woman in labour. Your DH should have been right behind you fighting your corner if they didn't listen.

I would ask for a debrief from the hospital - this may give you some closure and remove some of the resentment that may be coming from the actual situation/medical staff. Then it opens the way for discussion with DH about the fact that he didn't provide the support you required. Ultimately, is it a trust issue now? Do you feel he wouldn't support you in future?

bluenose1986 · 17/04/2017 20:41

I can not believe how many posters believe that the husband stopped the op getting pain relief. His opinion whether right or wrong should have had no effect on what the midwife did for her patient.

Yes he was a shit birthing partner for not supporting her correctly or how she wanted him to but it's the midwife who's responsibility it is to listen to the person in the bed not their birthing partners and give them the pain relief.

Pigface1 · 17/04/2017 20:47

bluenose it absolutely wouldn't change my opinion that the OP's rights in labour are a feminist issue if her husband had been replaced by a female relative or friend.

It's a feminist issue because it relates to denying a woman choice over what happens to her body. It doesn't matter if it's women doing the denial!!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 20:48

The midwife wasn't even close to doing her job, and it's incredibly worrying to hear someone who apparently is one suggest that. Though those of us who have been subjected to deliberate epidural denial can't be too surprised.

This is why it's so imperative you complain OP.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2017 20:49

who's helped to conceive the child?

What on earth does this have to do with pain relief in labour?

My view would be the same irrespective of the sex of the birthing partner. The job is to support the woman and advocate for her if necessary (by which I mean backing up requests for help etc). If he can't do that he shouldn't be there.

I do think that sexism is a factor in an attitude which says "we mustn't give the poor loves too much information or their little brains will implode".

Incidentally IME and that of my cohort the most effective pain relief was a good experienced midwife. I had large, long babies (family trait) and the second was back to back - born at home with just a whiff of gas and air toward the end when pushing. Midwife got me into a position for back to back delivery and I was up and bouncing a few hours after what was quite a hard delivery. When I look back the expertise and support of good midwives (or not) was a key differential in pregnancy and birth. That group of community midwives had no problem in principle with any form of pain relief but their skill often rendered it less necessary.

Oh and as a general principle don't go into labour at night in August when the SHOs have just rotated [wry grin]

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