Should a spouse or partner be able to dictate what pain relief you have during labour?

[palmtree90]

So I'm not sure if this is because my lo is due to turn 2 very soon but I've realised I still harbour a lot of resentment towards my dh over his birth.

He was (is) my first child and when I went into labour it was hugely painful. The baby was back-to-back and I was being sick with every contraction from the beginning. They took me into hospital earlier than usual because I was so dehydrated from being sick and put me on a drip. By this time I'd been having contractions every few minutes for about 4-5 hours.

I didn't have a birth plan (other than to have a baby!) and although I had wanted a natural birth, I had no idea how painful it would be and I wanted an epidural. My dh didn't want me to have one and was very vocal about it. The midwife was on his side and kept discouraging me too. So I tried gas and air (it did nothing) and asked for an epidural again.

Again my dh said he didn't want me to. The nurse suggested pethidine which she said would help with the pain. It didn't - it just made me sleepy in the few minutes between each contraction.

After 10 hours they checked me and I was 5 cm and was told I had between 5-10 hours left to go. At this I just burst into tears and my dh finally agreed I could have the epidural. Anyway I had to wait 3 hours more to get it because of hold ups at the hospital.

After I'd had it and subsequently after the baby I started to feel so angry at my dh. I would never have denied him pain relief had it been the other way around and I felt it should have been my decision because it's my body.

I voiced this and had a cry soon after the birth and although he apologised I'm pretty sure he just thought I was hormonal (which I was). Well two years later, I'm not hormonal any more and still I feel so resentful.

I know I need to let it go and to still feel this way 2 years later is unreasonable but what I want to know is, was my dh UR during my labour or should a spouse be able to dictate what pain relief his wife has?

Although thinking back to my care while in labour with DD1 - they never asked DP what he thought about pain relief. Everything was centred on me and my needs.

If you had said you didn't want an epidural even if you screamed for one then he's only following your wishes. Same as the midwife.

Bullshit. You are allowed to change your mind about your medical treatment at any point. And the only one who can make that choice is the person actually giving birth.

I said I wanted to try for a natural birth. I got ten hours in and begged for an epidural, and I got one. Because I'm a human being who is allowed to try my best giving birth, but is also allowed to change my mind if I feel that my condition needs more pain relief. No bloody man has ANY right to tell any woman what sort of pain relief they should be allowed to access during labour. Not any way, not any how. The only person who should be allowed to make that choice (outside of medical issues) is the woman giving birth.

UK Birth Centers:
www.nct.org.uk/birth/giving-birth-midwife-led-unit-or-birth-centre

If you decide to use a midwifery unit you will not be offered any surgical or anaesthetic care, such as an epidural or a caesarean section.

If you need further care or if your labour is not progressing well, you can choose to be transferred to the nearest obstetric unit. This may be on the same site or may involve a journey by ambulance.

It says it all really. Unless you have a high-risk pregnancy, you are very very strongly advised to use a midwife center. With no epidural available.

It was up to you. You must have consented to the pet hiding and not insisted on the epidural. I don't think harbouring resentment like this is healthy.
Things didn't go to plan but it was absolutely your choice what pain relief you had. Your DH and midwife can advise but it was ultimately your choice.

Just to reiterate, I by no means took a big stand on doing it all naturally. I casually mentioned that I would try to do it without pain relief but I never said it was super important to me, or that I wanted him to try and stop me if I changed my mind.

So many friends and family had told me not to get hung up on plans as it can lead to disappointment if they don't work out and so I specifically didn't plan anything re the birth.

Someone asked why I was directing my anger at dh and not the MW. Well until I read this thread, I thought what happened to me was normal. I assumed that the MW involving DH as much as she did was normal. When I've told friends that she seemed reluctant to give me the epidural they have just rolled their eyes and said that's normal too.

Now I feel like I've had my eyes opened and that she didn't deal with me as she should have and that she should have engaged directly with me and also listened to me when I said I wanted an epidural instead of dismissing me and telling me I didn't need one because I was coping.

I found her a cold woman throughout and I was glad when she left and another took over for the last stage. She was much warmer and caring.

They should only be able to dictate what pain relief you have if you're unable to say for yourself / are being ignored & they can insist on your behalf. They can't overrule you!

When I've told friends that she seemed reluctant to give me the epidural they have just rolled their eyes and said that's normal too.

Sadly, it's very common. Normal it isn't.

I hope it helps a bit to know you are not alone!

EC22 it was my choice but I voiced what I wanted but was pressured into doing otherwise. In the cold light of day, pain free I have the courage on my convictions but scared, in extreme pain and vulnerable I didn't. They took advantage of my vulnerability.

Wow I am not surprised you are still angry

What - words fail
Me

This is a festering boil that needs popping as I could not forgive that either

So many friends and family had told me not to get hung up on plans as it can lead to disappointment if they don't work out and so I specifically didn't plan anything re the birth.

They are right to say that plans may not work out but its important to understand and talk through the options as this helps you make better decisions if the plans do go out the window.

In any other area of life you will have a plan to follow through for a major change but also talk through the options if things go wrong, what else is needed just in case etc. I am mystified that this isn't applied equally to new mothers on the grounds that it might scare them off.

To me this is also akin to 'if we don't tell children about sex they won't do it' when we know the opposite is true.

If you have had good information on the possibilities and options you can make better decisions. This is especially true when in difficult situations and things go wrong.

If this had happened to me, I feel pretty sure I would have had enough anger to go around for both dh and the MW.

And the anger should be at your husband not the midwife . Sadly some midwifed are horrible - I had a dragon too

But what he did was very off

That's an opinion though - not fact

I'm so sorry you had such an awful time OP

In terms of going forward I think it may very helpful to explore what happened with the hospital (in terms of what happened with the midwife and then the long wait) seperately from what happened with your husband.

I'm a midwife and it is never mine or my colleagues goal to deny epidurals or 'put people off' (had a lovely epidural myself early on with DS!) There is however a degree of judgment that is required about how you respond to questions about epidurals with women in labour. They do have the potential to significantly change the nature of the labour/ birth (catheters, IV drips, restricted movement, hospital gowns, longer labours, increased risks of forceps and ventouse etc as well as very very rare serious complications). We do need to ensure women understand these to gain legal consent (laminated sheet is honestly just for that reason). Many women will ask for an epidural at full dilitation approx 30 mins from birth and you know that it is far too late for them to get any benefit from it and they really need encouragement and support - but your reaction would be totally different with someone earlier on who requests one, regardless of what their original birth plan was. We do engage with women and their partners together because most women want this and get extremely cross if we don't, but in the end the women's needs and wishes come out too. It's delicate balance and it sounds like it didn't quite work right for you and the midwife. If I had been your midwife I would want to know that and learn from it. Consider approaching the hospital - they will be able to arrange an appointment between you and a senior midwife who will go through your notes with you, discussing what happened, your memories and answering questions. These are huge sources of learning for us as a profession and may help you get some answers and closure.

Personally I would do this and then move to discussing properly with your husband - try a neutral space when you are both relatively well rested and ask him about what he felt happened on the day. It may just be that he felt he was supporting you - cheering you on - and missed the memo that you actually really wanted it in all the stress and nerves of the day.

C8H10N4O2
I completely agree and it's what I was trying to say in a previous post albeit in different words.
The idea that you can't plan is nonsense - you can be prepared by educating yourself about the possibilities and options, and thinking about your preferences in different scenarios.

I think it's dreadful behaviour by both your DH and the midwife and I'm not surprised it still upsets you two years after the event.

Maybe you should have a serious talk with him where you explain exactly how you felt then and how you feel now. I would ask him why he felt he knew better than you what pain relief you needed and how that made you feel. I would also ask him to imagine how he would like to push a (eg) broad bean out of his penis, it taking as long as your labour him being in massive pain with you refusing him pain relief.

Is he controlling in other areas of your life? If so mention those as well.

Wishing you the best OP

For those that have posted re planning through educating myself on options, I agree this would have been helpful. As it was my first time I thought going to the antenatal classes was enough and when I told midwives I didn't have a birth plan they seemed delighted and said how refreshing it was!

By the way OP I didn't mean to blame you or say it was in any way your fault for not being more prepared or having a birth plan. Things might have been different if you'd discussed it with your DH in advance but he and the midwife should still have respected your wishes in the moment - even if your plan had said no epidural, you still had the right to change your mind, as PPs have pointed out.

I'm really shocked to read this. Many midwives are hugely pro-woman but this one seems to have not been. The idea that you were asking for relief and she was deferring to your husband (who is either selfish and overbearing, or totally clueless about the pain: only you can answer that one) and educating your husband into reinforcing his ideas - that's absolutely abhorrent.

What a complete and utter arsehole.

You poor thing, how horrendous.

You definitely need to tell your H - tell him that it's worrying you about the next birth because you don't feel that you can rely on him to advocate for you. That his insistence on you not being allowed an epidural made the last birth more difficult and upsetting than it needed to be, so much so that you are still traumatised by it now. That it has shaken your trust in him and that if he won't follow your wishes for your body then you are seriously considering not having him in the room whilst you give birth.

You said you wanted a natural but h, maybe he thought you would regret taking the drugs.
You can't turn back time, you might have felt resentful if you took the drugs and 'he didn't stop you'.
The main thing is your son and you are healthy. If you don't let go of this resentment it will drive a wedge between the 2 of you.

Your DH had no right at all to dictate anything to do with your pain relief - or any other medical matter to do with your body. He behaved appallingly, and so did the midwife. I don't blame you for one second for feeling resentful even years later.

I was induced (BP concerns) with my last and denied an epidural eight times by the consultant on the grounds I had done it before without one, I really didnt need one...I accept all 3 previous births were less than 4 hours and spontaneous. This was drip induced and lasted more than 24 hours - we had some terrifying moments at the end and are lucky to both be here. I still have a good deal of resentment that my DH didnt push harder on my behalf, I cant imagine how angry I would have been had he been actively against it.

I have read this whole thread and I have to be honest OP I feel a little sorry for your husband.

This was your first birthing experience and I am assuming his. From what you've recounted as your experience it sounds like your DH was reacting to what the midwife was saying. Being in labour and giving birth for the first time can be really scary but it can also be scary for your DH, DP or whoever is in the room with you. It's sounds to me like he was listening to the professional.

I have had an epidural during both of my labours, first was unavoidable the second I cried feeling like I was a failure for having one. While you are in extreme pain it can be hard for your DH to say the right thing. The midwife should have only ever listened to you and that's where your anger and resentment should lie.

I can't believe that you haven't brought it up with him sooner than this. You've come on here and started a thread and nearly everyone has dragged your husband down, what a horrible bastard, how could he do that to you, is he so controlling over other aspects of your life? and the fact you haven't answered the last question suggests he's not. You have no idea how he was feeling watching you in that much pain some people don't handle that very well seeing someone they love in extreme pain.

I am not in anyway saying that your experience wasn't bad but it's the midwives job to look after you and baby medically in that room , not your husbands to make medical decisions so maybe he didn't support you in the way you wanted or the right way but you have no idea what his perspective of the situation was and he was coping. Should be an interesting conversation between you both when you bring it up.