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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
YNK · 18/04/2017 22:38

It's YNK, Catrina, and with respect it would be assessed by someone like me - I'm a retired SW Grin

Original poster
Realitea · 18/04/2017 22:49

YNK Grin

OP posts:
YNK · 18/04/2017 22:50

I'm very pleased things have worked out for you all OP.
You were absolutely right, the DC's were unhappy because they were coerced into something they wouldn't have chosen themselves.
I hope it's been a lesson to MiL, although I doubt she would admit it!

MintyCracker · 18/04/2017 22:52

Hi all!
Newbie here. Just read this ENTIRE thread before commenting, so here is my 2p worth:

  1. no, you def we're not being unreasonable. Previous posters have suggested you didn't want the kids there in the first place and you were disgruntled because mil 'got in there first' to ask the kids...pure tripe. But they should ask themselves WHY you may have been uncomfortable leaving your kids with their grandmother. Because she's a manipulator. That's enough in my book. Oh, and an obvious liar.

  2. it's taken me nearly 20years to get to the point I'm at with my ILs...no contact AT ALL! I could no longer cope with the games and lies and drama and hysteria if we didn't toe the line. It came at a massive personal cost for me and couldn't continue so the situation now is 1000x better! No drama, no stress. And my husband backs me left, right and centre!! WE are his main priority and he's fiercely protective of us no matter who it's against!

My advice is to stand your ground and tell your husband your mil is welcome to see the kids, but it will be in YOUR home when you are present for X number of hours on X days. (Or, you meet at a cafe somewhere you can do some shopping and she can eat cake with the kids for a bit!) You don't have to be in the room with them, you can take yourself off for a bath or read a book but you'll be there. If the point is seeing the kids, it shouldn't matter where they see them. Don't go to her home anymore because it clearly isn't good for you.

Be strong about it and start making the changes now. It'll just get worse and worse. You don't need to be bullish about it if you don't want to, you could do it like pp suggested, but make changes now! It's time for you to set the boundaries for a 'new normal' that suits YOU and the KIDS. No one else!

musketeers123 · 18/04/2017 22:54

Wow ! Lots of OTT behaviour /reactions have come out v v v strongly on this thread. OP has certainly had lots of good advise + some rather bitter/biased comments. Have watched this post with interest as I too suffered the wrath of over opinionated MIL & very immature son (my ex). If you can make it work/compromise then fab !!! Bloody hard work to so do though !!! Ignoring all the over opinionated posts, I really hope that OP can work through this as a COUPLE with her dh. If she can't/ he won't accept he needs to put his wife/family before mummy dearest .... then try Counselling. If not, well the children should ALWAYS COME FIRST. Xxx OP had shown she has and can do this. My school were 3 & 6 when I separated frm their father. Best thing I did EVER. Was bloody hard but now they are settled, grounded, balanced and not worrying about the 'next argument'. My dc are happy so I know I made the right decision. SOD what others think. As long as you know you have acted in the best way possible for your children then you are a fab mum xxx Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

DarrylsLilAssKicker · 19/04/2017 00:24

It's really hard for grandparents to be awarded leave to apply for contact. It's even harder to be awarded that contact. There is no automatic right for grandparents to apply for contact, hence why they have to apply for permission to apply for contact. Don't listen to Catrina, who seems to imply grandparents will be granted contact if they apply; it's extremely unlikely.

It's so difficult that there is a petition fighting to make it easier for grandparents to apply for contact. It's been running a while and last I looked had around 1,000 signatures. No where near enough to be taken seriously.

I'm glad we live in a country which doesn't automatically give right to extended family.

Hope things work out for you OP.

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 00:37

What Darry said. Christ almighty, life is bad enough when parental units fall out. The sheer hell of having to fend off malicious applications from grandparents and inlaws on top would be borderline insanity.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/04/2017 01:27

I'm glad that things have calmed down with your H, realitea but I'm concerned for you that he still doesn't see the real problem here.
I'm also concerned for you that he still doesn't believe you.
This still suggests he has no respect for you, and will still fail to support you against his mother in the future.

So - glad it's calmer now but I really think you need to assess what you want to do about this going forward - all you have currently is a return to the status quo (with a few added barbed memories), and that's not the right place for a long-term happy outcome.

Thanks and more Wine for you.

numberseven · 19/04/2017 04:06

He will never let a bad word be said about his mother no matter what and I do think he still believes her version of events over his own child's (because they told me, not him so he doesn't have proof apparently...as if I'd lie)

I made it really clear that the dcs must not go there without us or just he could go if easier (I'd prefer that) because that's what they want. He panicked about what mil would think

It's good that things are now calmer but you do need counseling for the issues quoted above. He believes that you are lying to make his mother look bad and he panics about what his mother thinks about his family's choices. Both issues are HUGE and they should be resolved instead of rugswept; otherwise you'll run into this again and again.

Original poster
Realitea · 19/04/2017 08:01

Without counselling it'll come up again I'm sure of it. He said he doesn't see us as a separate family but we are as a whole including his mother and everyone else in his side of the family. He said there are no priorities to anyone. It's his way of not taking sides. I think he was so exhausted by it all he just agreed to disagree without saying so.

OP posts:
VictoriaPollardMD · 19/04/2017 08:52

OP, your last post makes depressing reading and, shows H has a long way to travel towards his actual role as a father and husband to his real family, you two parents and your DC.

Counselling may well be for you, but it looks like it would need to be long term for H to reach any type of clarity in his role in life. Right now you have a man who sees himself as an extension of his DP and is still a small boy in his own mind. That's not healthy for any of you IMO.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 08:56

OP does he revert back to a child's when he's at 'home' (usuallybwhat he calls his parents house?

Let's his mum run round after him, waited on, does she buy his favorite biscuits and serve his favour meals? Possible offers to do his washing or ironing while there?

He does need to realize his responsibilities towards you and his children. You have a long way to go!

DH mum would visit and then iron just his shirts or jump up and make him tea or offer him a bacon sandwich! I told him that she was a guest in his home and he should be doing these things because he's capable of them

Original poster
Realitea · 19/04/2017 09:05

Actually he does do that but not as bad as he used to be. I noticed mil was asking what he wanted for breakfast the other day and I said to dh 'make your own!' And she was behind him looking surprised. I also said 'don't forget to make mine too'! Haha

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 19/04/2017 09:06

Yes he does need to recognise his place as a husband and father and not just an extension of his mother. Basically he needs to grow up

OP posts:
Astro55 · 19/04/2017 09:11

LOL!! Classic

At least you made the comment -

Did he do it?

Original poster
Realitea · 19/04/2017 11:05

Yes he did!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/04/2017 11:18

OMG - he doesn't see you as a separate family unit?!
So he basically doesn't accept his role as a grown adult/parent either then.
Christ.
Things are worse than I thought.

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 11:27

Eargh... yeah, he hasn't graduated from a DS to a DF role and in turn it sounds like his mother hasn't moved from a DM to a DGM role. (I have problems with exactly this with MIL. She still thinks she's DM first and foremost.)

redshoeblueshoe · 19/04/2017 11:28

I agree with Thumbs he still needs to grow up

Batgirlspants · 19/04/2017 11:32

he doesn't see you as a separate family unit? shit a brick op. That's seriously fucked up.

Again I am a mil with 2 dils and we all get on great but they are their own little family units and that's how it should be.

His mother doesn't respect you or your family unit too. I feel for you I really do.

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 12:12

Bloody hell Shock

His way of thinking is completely warped Sad

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 12:19

Not to merail (which means I'm probably merailing) but just in case it helps, the moment I knew we were going to be okay - not perfect, but it's getting better every day - was when MIL called late one evening and told DH to put DS on so that she could FaceTime him, and he said no, because it was DS's bedtime and his schedule was important. Usually he would have just said yes and then tried to win me over with "Oh it's only a few minutes, it won't matter, it's no big deal, it makes my mum happy," etc. etc. etc.. I don't think he realised himself, since it was only tiny, but it marked the moment when baby's needs finally started to come before hers, so from my perspective it was a big turning point. I think what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to turn this whole juggernaut on a dime. You might start with just the really small things, and see if there are ways to get him to put his role as a DF ahead of his role as a DS. He might be less precious over the little details, and from there you can build up.

It's an idea of something to consider, anyway.

Original poster
Realitea · 19/04/2017 12:28

Mil has other children and they're all the same in their thinking too about being one family rather than grown adults with their own children. I think this is what it all boils down to - that he is not seeing us as a separate family unit

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/04/2017 13:03

This is perhaps more about her inability to let go than her DC ability to fly the nest.

She still sees them as her children, which of course they are, but in her eyes they are still answering to her. All further extensions from them are subservient to her DC and just have to get on board.

Clearly GC are just hers.

Have you discussed with your H what his thoughts would be if your DM did the same? Would he keep quiet? would he expect you to speak up?

I agree this homogenous family idea is not helping anyone. Can you not sit him down and ask him what that looks like on paper, like on a Venn diagram or something?

The problem with his notion of family is that it excludes yours, overwrites everything YOU represent.

Catrina1234 · 19/04/2017 14:12

YNK - I'm also a retired social worker/manager- 30 years all told in Children's Services - so Grin to you too!

Darry I did not give the impression that if leave of the court was granted for grandparents to apply for a Contact Order, that they would in fact be granted an Order. I simply gave an accurate account of the steps that need to be taken for a Contact Order (or any other S8 Order for that matter) I said that if leave was granted then the Judge could request a report be completed by a social worker, evidence heard and then the judge would make the decision

For what it's worth I have never actually been involved with this kind of application and I suspect that GPs who are prepared to go to court are few and far between.