To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

I'm feeling a lot better and calmer now. Phew! Counselling is definitely a good idea.

I don't think you've over reacted at all. You've dealt with other people actions while full of emotion for your children. Nothing wrong with that.

This could be a defining moment. Use it.

FWIW I think you sound like a lovely mum.

I'm really pleased for you Realitea - well done

I can't remember who but someone says I am not showing empathy to the OP and am just on the side of the MIL - this is the usual comment. Why do I need to show empathy when everyone else is doing that and taking everything she says as gospel. This is a MIL hating thread - do you know what I don't get - when OP allegedly heard MIL asking the children, why didn't she step in - "oh hang on I thought we were going to ask them" -and then stay around so there could be no whispering. Seems the obvious thing to do.

YJK might not be the right initials - with respect I think I know more about the workings of the Family Courts than you do and IF GPs want unsupervised contact with their GC then they can make the application. The matter would be fully investigated by a professional person and a recommendation made in the best interests of the children.

Ah well now the OP and her DH have come together the MIL hating pack who were calling him everything will be able to back off. Do you know I've never heard the expression "never cut the apron strings" about a mother and daughter and "going back to live with mummy" but plenty of comments about "him going back to mummy."

Do none of you ever analyse posts (I do all the time) and make a decision about what you think is really going on. Seems to me that as soon as a MIL is mentioned that's it - the MIL hating pack swoop, and have a go at anyone who doesn't share their view.

What advice do you have Catrina?

Well done, Realitea! Good news.

And op - just wanted to say you're doing great. You sound an awesome mum. Take care

Glad he apologised, and your calm response unnerved him.
What he said was massively unjustifiable though and I hope you've also made him see sense in that regards. And to listen to his own DC.

Catrina - the best advice I've ever had is, if you come across a post where the majority verdict is 'x' but you think 'y' then ignore and move on.

I've tried on other posts to get an alternative view, as did another person, it really wasn't appreciated, people generally jump down your neck.

It's safe to say OP & MIL aren't going to be best friends anytime soon.

OP - one thing you need to get out of the habit of is sticking up for DH's behaviours. He's a grown man, he knows how he should and shouldn't behave, he's aware of what will trigger you, what your thoughts are on a vast array of things, that can't really be blamed on his Mother.

Sorry, forgot to add glad it's sorted though.

glad its sorted.

catrina you may know the family courts but I can safely say I know mil threads on MN and that is simply NOT true to say the mil hating pack come out. I have had to use MN as a source of advice and support for years now due to a nasty Mil.

Its a very difficult relationship and one that is fraught with trips and falls and the Mils who cause issues usually sound like they have very similar traits.
Ie domineering, boundary stepping, undermining of op etc.

Rarely does an op come on here with puerile reasons to have problems with MIL, and when they do they get told so. But mostly Its been a sanctuary for so many of us on here with real difficulties with our mils - as in to the point of family break up, maybe you have heard of some of this in your Family courts? Because I can guarantee you Counseling services like RELATE certainly have.

Thanks to everyone who have helped me. MN is a massive support and you've got me through a really hard time. for you all!

Cateina because the OPnis a different mould to you -

Some people are quite forceful in what they want - others aren't so forthright.

You have an 'I'm right' attitude and everyone else is wrong and still you don't listen - you have your point of view and nobody else's counts

That makes you difficult and probably controlling and the fact that you have looked up GP rights vai the courts says a lot about you.

How about being kind - accepting that others have different life choices - how about parenting advice has changed in the last 50 years and woman are becoming more forward?

You aren't right - accept it

Catrina This is a MIL hating thread - do you know what I don't get - when OP allegedly heard MIL asking the children, why didn't she step in - "oh hang on I thought we were going to ask them" -and then stay around so there could be no whispering. Seems the obvious thing to do.

Ignoring your 'allegedly', what you seem to be doing is blaming the OP for not handling her MIL's actions better, rather than acknowledging that MIL's actions were wrong in the first place.

You appear to be positioning yourself as the calm voice of objective reason in a sea of biased criticism, when all you're really doing is take as equally a one-sided and critical position, just with more words and less swearing.

That doesn't make you right.

Bringing in the legal position of GPs into this discussion isn't demonstrating your knowledge and experience, but rather adding fuel to a fire, that you deem overly emotional to begin with.

OP I'm glad things have calmed down a bit, but I don't think this will be the end of this.

Your DH has demonstrated that he is emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, and he will escalate things massively to avoid having to conflict with his mother.

I'm sorry to say, I think it will happen again. Keep that timeline of events that you prepared, in a safe place.

It might also be worth agreeing some ground rules about your MIL in general, and sleepovers in particular, whilst your DH is still contrite. Am I right in saying this was DC's first sleepover at MILs, despite her trying for the last 2 years, and making a concerted effort in the last few months?

So they've tried it, and it wasn't a success. I think you are well within your rights to say no more sleepovers with MIL. She is free to come and visit, but no sleepovers.

I think this has also shown that it's not a great idea to give them the choice. YOU decide what is best for them, and for your family. They are too young to make a decision like that.

I'm sure the DC have picked up on the fraught emotions, so I think you need to spend lots of time cuddling and reassuring them.

I know Berylstreep, we did discuss the way he has to stop escalating things in his mind without actually communicating so hopefully he took that on board. He will never let a bad word be said about his mother no matter what and I do think he still believes her version of events over his own child's (because they told me, not him so he doesn't have proof apparently...as if I'd lie)
I made it really clear that the dcs must not go there without us or just he could go if easier (I'd prefer that) because that's what they want. He panicked about what mil would think and I said just reassure her if needed but it's our decision to do what the dcs want, not what she wants.
I said when they're older they could say if they wanted to stay without us but they are too young right now and they should be asked before going near mil.
They had a lovely afternoon with me playing in the garden with the sprinklers and going shopping with me for their favourite dinner. The youngest did ask if 'daddy is going to shout again' which was awful but I said no and hopefully they're not too damaged by his outburst. I hope he feels guilty about his behaviour. He hasn't done much to reassure them really, just stayed out of the way. It's strange as he's usually quiet and gentle and I'm the loud one but if anything is mentioned about mil he turns in to this crazed idiot!

I'd be very careful about packing DC & DH off to your MIL's unsupervised. It will give her free reign to drip poison into their ears. Look at the damage she has inflicted already when you were there?

Agree with Beryl

What would happen if one of your dc said something about mil? Would he turn into a crazed idiot then too?

At this age, he would probably convince himself I'd made them say it or influenced them as he has it in his head that I'm the cause of all the problems. When they're teenagers it'll be very different!

Unfortunately this is a bit like the witchcraft analogy - if he's determined to find witchcraft (or in this case, find that you are to blame) then pretty much no matter what happens, he will find a way of interpreting it as witchcraft (your fault). The only way to tackle that is to get him to step back and review his whole perspective on the matter, and that takes you back round to counselling, as I'm sure you know only too well.

Whatever the case, it's good to read that things have come to calmer waters at least in the short term. It looks salvageable though it'll need him to want it to work. For now I guess it's a day at a time and doing as much damage control re the MIL as possible.

OP my advise would be to stop mentioning MIL in future

It goes like this 'I'm not happy about DC Wanting to stay over. I think it's best they come home with us?
Darling do you want to drive for 6 hours when we could have a relaxing day at home?

You can turn it round without having to mention MIL -

My DH did similar things when the kids were young and it was only when I realsied that HE was the problem could I solve the issues

MIL wants to come Friday when he's at work

Darling I'm sorry I've arranged X on Friday - satruday would work better (quickly arranging Friday)

MIL suggesting dinner at X

Darling you know DC don't like that menu - how about X instead?

Astro, he would ask why I wasn't happy that the dcs stay over and then accuse me of holding back contact with mil. I like the other ideas though of putting the ball in my court rather than mention mil.

The witchcraft analogy is very true. Instantly placing blame, as he's already looking for it, is something he's very good at.
I don't know if our last counsellor was just really crap but he just sat there listening to us and didn't speak. Aren't they there to help you? If it's just to listen then I don't really see what the point is as me and h can sit and talk anyway?

Yes I know I've been there but once you take MIL out of it it's makes a huge difference

In this case you've just spend X days with her, just play a bit daft - Oh but darling I'd much rather spend the day with the children as planned and we can plan out next visit - distract and move the conversation on

OP, as I've mentioned on this thread a couple of times I think you were far from calm yourself at the time. It does seem as if both of you go straight to drama central rather than talking about things in a rational way. No he shouldn't have said what he did at all, but neither should you have been in such a state that you wouldn't speak to your children.

I wouldn't expect counselling to take sides or tell you what to do generally. But if it's a place you can both discuss things (and sometimes it does help to have a different place so it's no bad thing) then if you feel you can get past this incident you may want to continue.

Going forward - why don't you suggest that your MIL takes the DC out on her own for the day next time you are up rather than them having to stay overnight without you? She gets time with them (it's not unusual for grandparents to have their grandchildren without the parents for a bit!) and you'll get a break from her which may suit everyone better.