To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

His wedding ring has moved so he's either put it back on or he's hiding it for some weird reason. I don't really want to be playing games like that. He's still not talking to me so I need to take action. I do need to get what happened logged by someone in case of any backlash..I can see them playing a very twisted game as h has already taken the tactic that I'm a bad mother.

Yes I did reassure the dcs and made sure they're ok. I'm trying to make everything as normal as possible

Sourgrapes, I've asked him to leave already and he's refused so I'm a bit stuck

Pack his shit and throw it out of the window. He can go and live with Mummy.

I tried. He won't go

Have a friend or family member come to stay until H leaves.

Er it's not that easy to throw a man out of his house people.

Op are you afraid of him?

No not at all afraid of him, he's very mouthy but would never do anything physical.
I think he's the one afraid!

I don't mean of me but afraid of mil

So sorry, Realitea, that your H has turned into such a kipper (two-faced and spineless).
I suspect that MIL phone him first thing in the morning to get in her version of why the kids had been crying overnight, if she heard - she will have blamed that entirely on you refusing to speak to your own children, and what kind of mother does that?! And from that, he will have brooded on it for the whole journey, got to his mother's, who will have dripped more toxic shit into his ear, found out that the children weren't that happy, decided it was because you refused to speak to them and it will have escalated from there.

I know from my own experience that if something I don't like happens with DH, and I can't address it immediately with him, then brooding on it makes it all much worse, blows it out of proportion really. Maybe your H is the same.

However, NONE of that is any excuse for him to have blown up at you, told you the things he told you, and made you feel so scared/uncomfortable that you required the presence of a 3rd party in your home! That's abuse - might not have turned actually physical, but it was intimidation and since I know that people can be accused of assault if they only poke a finger at someone in an aggressive fashion (happened to a relative of mine) then he has, verbally, assaulted you.

Do call Women's Aid for advice. Decide whether or not you want your children to be brought up in this sort of atmosphere, subjected to this sort of behaviour from your H as much as your ILs. And whether this is the life YOU want, to be married to someone who has no respect for you as a person or a mother :(

and for you xx

What would you do if he came home and said sorry? Having been at work and having time to think thing through?

I think you need to be absolutely sure this is what you want from a calm position and deal with it calmly

Do you think MIL will call you today??

I don't think she'll speak to me as I think underneath her exterior she feels threatened by me too as I'm the mother. I could be wrong but I'm trying to figure her out still. I am tempted to calmly speak to her though so that she's aware of what has happened and to confront the fact that she has denied what she said to dcs. I'm still unsure whether to or not as I know that will make things escalate even further with h.
I'm staying very much on guard today as I didn't know what h's next move is going to be. He's being very quiet. I predict they'll use dcs as a pawn now, like they have already.
I am the only one who's put their feelings first.
What a mountain out of a mole hill!
I am considering women's aid

I agree you seem stuck between a rock and a hard place, it's not nice for you. I agree with other posters, any more arguments and I would get everything logged that way if it escalates further the police will remove him from the home ( happened to my dad ) until things calm down. At least that way you will get some breathing space. It's seems extreme but then so is his attitude.

My PIL live a 3 hours drive away and for this reason alone they wouldn't stay 'one extra night' because it would be such an effort for someone to drive them home (us or PIL)

On that basis it would be madness to suggest it in the first place

I think you shouldn't speak to MIL unless she calls your - I think she will be devising a plan about how unreasonable you are and will have no issue in telling you this

You need to remain calm and not mud sling - see the bigger picture so you don't come off looking the bad guy as she has form for twisting things

Repeat any accusations she throws your way

'You're a bad mother for not phoning'

Repeat 'I'm a bad mother??'

Let her ramble ....

I wouldn't engage at all with his mother. Why would you give her that power into your relationship.

Your relationship is with your dh. It's your marriage and fuck all to do with his mother.

Coukd you get the friend back around to mediate/act as a witness op?

Good idea, yes you're right. I don't want to give her more power by getting her involved. It is between me and h. He's escalated this himself. I was avoiding all confrontation so by protecting his mother he's actually hurt her more.
He has said he wants to talk when he gets back in a couple of hours. I said it's best the dcs aren't here but there's no one around to take them out for a while. He said he won't shout and we need to discuss what happens from here.
I don't think I have the energy for more of this!

realitea
Do you trust him to remain calm?

If not then you need to pull your big girl pants and refuse his demands until such time as the DCs are not around. He's already twisted the not calling them into you being a bad mother, if he can twist you into 'angering him' you'll prove his point. Take back the control now.

"He said he won't shout and we need to discuss what happens from here."

So he gets to plan in advance, to know what he wants to discuss, to choose when to discuss it ... but you don't?

Please, please remember, Realitea, you don't need to discuss anything at this stage, just because he says so!

You can simply listen ... don't comment, don't defend yourself, don't offer, don't pacify ... just memorise this phrase ...

"I'll think about what you've said and I'll let you know what I decide".

If you really need a bit of variation in the 'conversation' you can now and again break it down to two phrases ...

"I'll think about what you've said". "I'll let you know what I decide".

You can even add in an extra phrase, if you like ...

"Can you clarify what you mean by that".

Beyond that, Realitea, do not go ... sew your mouth up rather than allow him to manipulate you with his pre-planned discussion.

Speak slowly when you use 'the phrases'. Do not try to fill silences. Make notes if you like! If you can, get a third party (of your choosing) into the house to play with the children in another room, during this time.

Good luck!

Thank you ADish! Yes he's having time to plan his next move so I will plan mine, to make notes and remain calm. I've also written a statement of events. Mainly to just make sense of it in my mind but also so that it's logged.

i really hope that you are OK Realitea, what a dreadful situation to be in and such an escalation. You are right to put your children first

Sorry you're going through this Realitea You sound lovely, keep on doing what you're doing; being a rock for your dcs & routine stuff. If at all possible try not to get dragged in to dh & mil's circus. Let them work out what they're doing, you just carry on being a mum. Seems you are powerless to do anything else, but carrying on caring for your dcs, providing love & home comforts, without drama, will be the most powerful thing for your dcs.

Well done! Just remember (no matter how tempting) don't discuss your statement of events with him. Not at this stage.

Though if it gets too tempting/overwhelming/annoying you could add in one more phrase ...

"That's not how I remember it, but do go on".

Really though, the less you say ... at the moment ... the better. At the moment you are simply gathering information so you can pick your discussion when you are ready!

Calm. Agree to nothing. Hear him out. Tell him you'll let him know what you decide.

Good luck! (thought he'd be back by now ... he really is planning and picking his moment ... nasty!)

I'd be lost without you all! I will keep my statement of events private for now as anything that will make him worse isn't worth it. It will throw him how calm and in control I'm going to be. He's out with a friend right now who's just split up with his girlfriend so god knows what's going on there. He could be ages yet.
Dcs are ok now I'm just going about normal life

Glad you and DCs are just doing your own thing! Lovely day here, so am about to go for a walk (hope it's nice enough for you and your DCs to do similarly) but will pop back later to say 'Hi'.