To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

Great advice from Dish. I am really appalled by the cascade of events here. Keep your cool and remember we are all thinking of you here, OP.

Thanks guys!

He's clearly trying to run the show

He's verbally abused you. He's taking his mother's side, no matter what. He's taken off his wedding ring and playing games with where it is (glad you're not playing). And he's refusing to leave when asked.

And now he wants to decide when and what you two talk about how to move forward.

I would stand firm with what you want to talk about: his departure. That's the only item on the agenda as far as you're concerned. When he will be leaving. He's clearly not got your back, he's married to his mother, so he can leave. He can stay with her if she's so great. But you're done.

Wow OP, I'm so sorry about what is happening. For him to speak to you like that is off the map. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Our partners are supposed to be exactly that - partners - not team up with others against us (even if it is his mother!).

All I would suggest at this juncture is that you remain very calm and level headed. Let him think he's running the show if you want... just say very little. Keep your cards close to your chest and let HIM show his hand. If he wants to talk, fine, let him talk - doesn't mean you have to say anything. Let him declare his position, his intentions, use it to get information and a real handle on what you have to deal with. Then, as the PP says, simply state that you'll think about it and let him know in due course what you decide to do.

Then take your time - pull information and help from as many sources as you need in order to ensure yours and your children's security going forward. If he and his crazy mother want to get dramatic and start playing games, let them get on with it. Just quietly and calmly work on YOUR position and on ensuring your children are okay. You cannot control what other people do but you can control your response to it. You get to decide what you do and when you do it. Remember that. Give away nothing - you decide your course of action on your terms.

Sending hugs and support.

Ah because DH has taken his mother's side, all the MIL haters are piling in with LTB - you couldn't make it up - throw him out, pack his stuff etc. WHY do people think that this is an easy thing to do and yet I see it time and again on here.

Someone a couple of pages back Dabs67 (or something similar) has written a very measured post. She is wondering why this has blown up so badly - mountains out of molehills - yes my thoughts exactly. WHY is the GM so wrong to ask the kids if they want to stay for ONE night (not a month as you might think)and why is OP too upset and sobbing too much to phone them - now that IS weird.

Frankly I'm glad to see a man who is not going to allow his wife to trample all over his mother's feelings. Maybe OP will think twice next time she makes such a fuss over the children's GM wanting them to stay over. Yes mountain out of a molehill indeed,.

My MIl had that attitude to, and that's why she's now my xmil and her beloved ds moved away to save his subsequent marriage from the same.

Good luck realitea
Some fantastic advice from adish and others

Catrina I can't help but read your posts as gleefully enjoying OP's awful situation and wanting to stick an extra boot in, rather than offer any constructive help or advice whatsoever. What a sad thing it must be to live a life like that.

Good god. Attitudes on here are horrendous. I hope the OP realises how many women here are gunning for her and totally understand her motives for her actions.
Bitter old women who clearly have no understanding of their fellows women's situations should keep their awful words to themselves.

Oh, yawn, catrina, put another record on your phonograph.

I have yet to see Catrina offer any real advise or thought - her main objective is to talk about her perspective rather than the issue at hand generally without reading the facts of the matter.

When a couple decide to have children they have to work through the minefield that are family relations and expectations - they need to do that as a couple in the best interests of the child

DH was wrong to go against OPs wishes - he was wrong to tell OP she was a bad mother, he was wrong to believe His mother over his wife over their children.

Their children - their rules

OP, ignore Catrina, she clearly has her own issues and is projecting them onto you.

OP you sound like a wonderful mum. I hope your day is going ok.

catrina

Er mil and gran here and support the op totally.

Dish great advice

I have now read the whole thread.

As someone with a dh who finds it very hard to go against his mother's wishes (we have had many conversations about it) and as someone who is not very well disposed towards my own mil at the moment, I would say you have handled this badly and caused a massive hole in your relationship which is going to devastate your children if it results in the end of your marriage. Are you sure that's what you wanted?

If your marriage ends, your dc could end up seeing a lot more of their grandparents. I don't see what you have achieved here op.

Your dh is furious, I bet he is sick of feeling caught up in the middle. I don't think that makes him a dick, it just sounds as though he's at the end of his tether.

Why were you crying so much that you couldn't speak to your kids on the phone? Don't you think that's an overreaction?

Oh bloody hell, ignore it- it's spouting again

Realitea you are clearly the only one thinking about the dc in all this. So he says he's not going to shout? Based on the last interaction I doubt that very much.

You could, if you feel so inclined, take your own wedding ring off and simply sit down and tell him it's over. Don't give him a choice or a chance- just take control.

It'll go one of 2 ways: either he'll agree or he'll apologise. Only you can really know which it is most likely to be, and it can be a very high risk "strategy". For full disclosure, I have to tell you that I've done this once - I got my documents together and packed a bag for DS and I, hid the spare car key and kept mine in my pocket. Dh knew exactly how serious I was, especially when I told him that I had an appointment with a solicitor.

That was a year ago and followed a period where ILs criticised both of us very publicly and exceptionally unfairly. Dh defended FIL (who went NC with us anyway as it happens- a truly nasty cunt of a little man who cares about nothing but himself- not even his wife) - he wanted to essentially use DS as a pawn to stay "in his father's good books", I wanted to keep DS away from the toxicity dh had been exposed to all his life.

I won't bore you with any more of my story, but I didn't want you to think that I was blithely suggesting taking control. It's a big risk and it can go either way, which you would probably need to reconcile that in your own mind first before you act.

Hope this helps even in a tiny way xx

I can't believe how this has escalated OP maybe, unfortunately you're better off without him, if he's going to escalate a shitty situation this far. I know it's hard, luckily the majority of us are behind you.

How are you doing, Realitea?

We've had a massive talk. I think that's the longest we've ever spoken since meeting each other! I didn't mean to but the calm approach that a pp suggested really put him on edge he was quite intimidated by that. I changed my tactic a bit there. He obviously wanted to discuss everything starting with an apology from him about calling me a bad mother.
It turns out he hasn't even spoken with mil at all. He left so quickly to pick up the dcs because mil knew either I was upset or they were upset and packed them off to a halfway point where h picked them up from. (Sil's house - so he didn't even speak with mil) mil did pass on the message however that dcs were upset because I didn't speak to them on the phone. Utter bollocks - dcs told me it was because they wanted their parents there. This was the main cause of h's anger last night.
We went round in circles about how it was wrong of mil to go against our plan to ask dcs ourselves and how she only wanted her own way.
But at least we are now civil.

I think I've made him see that by preempting my reaction and stewing over his own made up story of events because he wouldn't talk to me, he made it worse than it needed to be. I ended up giving him some CBT advice about how not to catastrophise and said he needs to learn to have empathy. I think he's been so conditioned by mil. her authority over his family is the root and he has to understand that we are the parents and dcs come first - not what she wants first.

Glad you've had a talk. You've had lots of excellent advice from both sides today and I've been following with interest. Take some time to let the dust settle. Sometimes things blow up massively and before we know it we are following a course that neither party is happy with. I hope you are able to continue talking it through

I'm glad he's apologized. He really, really lost the plot in his treatment of you and in his defense of his mother ... without the facts!

Good luck, OP.

Your "d"h is a spineless tit and you and dc would be better off without him

Parenting is a learning curve and he's apologized

It's up to OP to keep communicating and actions speak louder than words

He has still avoided his mum though so I'd be asking how he intends to live things forward

mil did pass on the message however that dcs were upset because I didn't speak to them on the phone

Sly, my MIL does this all the time, neatly re packages the truth to suit her.

Well played, OP. Not sure why a pp was sympathising with him as being at the end of his tether - I can't believe you're not at the end of your own after 10+ years of him siding with his mother against you. It's good that you're talking again, though, and it does sound as though he's done some constructive thinking. Bizarre that your MIL took the kids half way to SIL's and your DH went there to get them with none of this plan being discussed at all with you. Sounds like the whole family needs to learn to communicate better. Are you sure it's not worth trying counselling again? On your own at first, if need be. Glad things are calmer, anyway.

Well done, op. Stay calm & strong.