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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is a tight arse???

575 replies

FataliePorkman · 15/04/2017 18:20

Just been out for lunch with three friends and our DCs- the children all had the same (lunchboxes with a carton drink and then a small crispy cake) but us adults ate/drank varying amounts. Two of the friends are a couple and the other is single like me. Let's call her Joan.

3/4 of us shared a bottle and extra glass of wine and 2 soft drinks. Joan didn't drink as she lives further away from the pub than us so was driving.
We all had a starter and a main course and then we got a chessboard to share between us- but only me and the couple had some. Joan had 3 DC with her, I have 3 DC and the couple have 1 DC.

Anyway the bill came and friend from the couple suggested we split the bill 3 ways equally. I was fine with this, as were the couple. Joan refused and said she would only pay for what her and her DC had.

Awkward tension followed- Joan paid for her meal and her DC while me and my other two friends split the bill.

AIBU to think she is a bit tight??

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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JaneEyre70 · 15/04/2017 20:33

I used to go out in a group of old school friends, several of whom were heavy drinkers. I used to drive as it was too far for a taxi, and usually ended up giving them lifts too....so when they expected me to split the bill, meaning I had to chip in over treble what mine had cost.....I stopped going. It is beyond rude to split a bill when some have drunk alcohol and others haven't. It makes a huge difference to the end cost especially when bottles of wine come into it.

Bobbins43 · 15/04/2017 20:34

Team Joan!
#infantile

Badcat666 · 15/04/2017 20:34

waves Pom poms for Team Joan

Screw paying for other peoples food and drink. Sod that, she's not your bloody mother or sugar mummy OP. PAY for what YOU eat and drink and stop being a bloody leech.

if anything you are being tight for expecting someone to pay for your meal.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's got me cross...

agentmarmalade · 15/04/2017 20:35

Team Joan all the way. A single person should not have to subsidise a couple, especially when they are such crap mates. What a fuckin Liberty.

Marmalade85 · 15/04/2017 20:35

Of course Joan is right but where is OP? Trying to find a teetotal vegan to go to a carvery?

DinoSuperStomp · 15/04/2017 20:35

#TeamJoan

and the couple were cheeky fuckers they should have paid 2/3.

HurricaneHalle · 15/04/2017 20:36

I've had friends ask at the beginning of a meal if the bill is being split and if it's a yes they order loads. If it's a no then they share three courses.

A relative of mine who has three, we had one just weaning baby plus some other relatives at a meal out (so 7 adults and 3 kids who had kids meals but adult puds, our baby who ate off my plate) and one of the relatives suggested we split it between the adults and I will say I felt stitched up! It was one of those situations where you couldn't say anything. Now we always say at the beginning that we will pay for what we've eaten. Call it tight. Call it what you like.

MrsKCastle · 15/04/2017 20:37

Team Joan.

With that combination (various kids, a couple, two singles, not everyone drinking) I would think it would be obviously better for everyone to pay their own. It probably never crossed Joan's mind that the others would want to split the bill, especially not 3 ways.

I was stung by this as a young, naive student. My friends had always put in more if they ate/drank more, so when I went out and ordered a cheap veggie option and one drink, I was stunned when I was expected to cough up 'my what's of the bill.

Jeaniusly · 15/04/2017 20:38

@NoCapes

It happens all the time. So the trick is to say it up front before they order lobster thermidor and champagne whilst you or I are drinking tap water and enjoying a nice pasta dish.

Say it out loud, as I do now (with colleagues and acquaintances). Our friends know the score. So that's ok.

Most people know the situation with close friends, but with others it is important to say it out and say it proud. No aftershocks for anyone.

Mysteriouscurle · 15/04/2017 20:39

I must have nicer friends than joan. Weve been out with one dc when 3 other couples had 2 dc and they actually suggested we should pay less. Nobody had anything extravagant so we just split at our insistence. A third of a child's meal wasnt going to break us but it was nice that they offered. On another occasion I was driving (gave a couple of people lifts). It wasnt a food thing, just drinks and they insisted I shoulnt put anything in the drinks kitty. I did put in one tenner as sparkling water isnt free but they were thoughtful enough and appreciative of lifts.

That said, many years ago we spent a meal out with friends who spent most of the evening bragging talking about all the things they had been doing/buying and it was obvious they had been spending a lot of money. When the bill came they took the piss just a little bit, I was a bit Shock

I also think that the people who expected joan to sub their meals were the tight arses

MargaretCavendish · 15/04/2017 20:40

I agree that Joan was in the right here, but I will say that as a childless adult I've noticed that a lot of parents seen to think their children's food is not just cheaper but free, and a lot of people in this thread seem to be of this view. Clearly the couple shouldn't have paid half the bill as lots of people have suggested.

deadringer · 15/04/2017 20:40

Team joan here too. Drinks should always be on a separate bill or paid for when ordered imo.

buttercup54321 · 15/04/2017 20:42

So you think its fine for Joan to pay for what she hasn't had? If 5 people had steaks but 1 had a bowl of chips would you split the bill 6 ways? You and the couple are being very unreasonable to Joan.

lottieandmia · 15/04/2017 20:44

The mark up on alcohol is huge so it's definitely unfair to expect someone else to help pay for it. Cheese boards are not cheap either.

Maybe Joan couldn't afford to pay for more than she had. It probably would have been better for her to say this before she started but equally when people are selfish and expect others to be out of pocket for stuff they themselves wanted then that's not a friend imo.

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2017 20:48

I don't understand why people are saying Joan should have said she was only paying for her food. Nobody is obliged to split a bill. It shouldn't affect what anyone orders.

lottieandmia · 15/04/2017 20:50

It's funny because I posted a thread like this about 10 years ago because I was annoyed to have had to pay about £20 more than I had eaten and pretty much everyone said (nicely not snake pitty) that it's bad manners to quibble a bill.

MTWTFSS · 15/04/2017 20:51

YABU! You pay for what you eat, not split it!

RedDogsBeg · 15/04/2017 20:52

Jeaniusly for the avoidance of doubt here is what the Op says:

Anyway the bill came and friend from the couple suggested we split the bill 3 ways equally. I was fine with this, as were the couple. Joan refused and said she would only pay for what her and her DC had.

It was only at the point of the arrival of the bill that the split was suggested, as I said earlier perhaps Joan was surprised by that suggestion and therefore didn't expect to have to say anything prior to the bill being presented.

Good communication is a two way street the other friends could equally have made their intentions clear earlier, why does the onus fall on Joan solely?

Frankly the way that paragraph from the OP reads suggests to me that the couple saw the size of the bill and saw an opportunity to have their consumption subsided.

RedDogsBeg · 15/04/2017 20:53

subsidised not subsided!

ThoraGruntwhistle · 15/04/2017 20:53

My friends and I always pay for what we've actually had. Splitting the bill always ends up screwing somebody over, unless you've all had the exact same meal and number and type is drinks, and when does that ever happen? Sod splitting it, pay for your own damn dinner.

user1489179512 · 15/04/2017 20:54

The person who did not drink or have anything from the cheeseboard is perfectly entitled to only pay for what she had. Unless people have food and drink which costs roughly the same, people should pay for their own.

fannydaggerz · 15/04/2017 20:56

No I don't think Joan is tight. I think she was right not to pay for your wine and cheese.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/04/2017 20:56

OP, why would you consider your attitude to be OK? If you go to a department store with Joan and buy a pair of socks while she buys a designer outfit, how would you feel if she turned to you at the till and said "lets split the bill"?

You want wine and cheese? Fine. Pay for it. You're the tightwad if you expect Joan to pay for your food.

Fanciedachange17 · 15/04/2017 20:57

Single Mum with 3 children and she had to drive. Hopefully Joan can find better "friends" than those who want her to subsidize their greedy wine and cheese guzzling. Joan is a heroine standing up to these tight arses.

lottieandmia · 15/04/2017 20:58

I think freeloaders rely on perceived social etiquette to rip off their friends tbh.