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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DH a lie in?

346 replies

Aliveinwanderland · 15/04/2017 06:49

DS is 6 months old and wakes every 3 hours to be fed in the night. DH does a bottle at 9pm then I breastfeed all the other feeds.

On a week day DH is at work so takes DS downstairs for half an hour in a morning while he has his breakfast. He sometimes makes it home for bath and bed, sometimes not.

At a weekend he wants a lie in. I know he works hard but since he gets from 9pm -6am uninterrupted sleep I think he should let me have the lie ins! (By lie in I mean from 6am when DS wakes to around 8/9am).

AIBU to claim all the weekend lie ins myself?

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/04/2017 08:59

Yanbu.

You need the sleep more IMO. You gave birth and are bf, including at night. He is not doing the night feeds or babycare and has the opportunity to get as much sleep as he wishes by going to bed earlier. He is also doing very little babycare Monday to Friday by the sounds of it.

Looking after and bf a baby all day and night is harder and more tiring than most FT jobs IMO and IME.

My DH always had all the lie ins, and still does, but that was my choice. I am a morning person and couldn't sleep in even when sleep deprived, so he did more at other times of the day/eve and I went to bed early when tired.

DeadGood · 15/04/2017 09:02

I agree with you, Yorke00.

This will be an unpopular opinion, but from my own experience and my friend's, plus what I've read on here: men have an underdeveloped sense of reciprocity when it comes to sleep. Even the 'good' ones (like my DP) will vehemently argue to defend their own sleep (in this case) as a default. They can be made to see reason if you really spell it out to them, but their instinctive reaction seems to be to look after their own sleep needs and not really give too much of a shit if their wife - the one who actually went through childbirth and probably still hasn't physically caught up with sleep even after 6 months - is on her knees through sleep deprivation.

Coastalcommand · 15/04/2017 09:05

Our LO is 4 months and I do all the feeds (exclusively breastfeeding). I am home all day so I think it's fair that I do the wake ups. My husband is exhausted from work (we do the same job and I found it is more tiring than looking after the baby) so I try to make sure he gets to sleep in at weekends.
Works for us.

LittleLionMansMummy · 15/04/2017 09:07

This whole 'sleep when baby sleeps' is great in theory. I have a relatively good napper (5mo) but she takes her long nap in the morning, so in the first instance I can't sleep having only just woken up and in the second I use the time she's asleep to get myself up and ready. Her afternoon nap is short, so by the time I fall asleep I invariably get woken by dd waking up.

However, if she has a particularly bad night dh sleeps in the spare room on week days. At the weekend he'll take one or both dc out for an hour so I can have a catch up. Tbh though I'm rarely that tired. Dd usually wakes once or twice - as long as I can get a 3-4 hour stretch at some point I feel fine. Seems a lot for a 6mo to still be feeding every 3 hours through the night, even if they are breastfed, except for growth spurts and regressions.

boatyroo · 15/04/2017 09:08

YANBU
Also genuinely surprised at some of these answers.
I have a 10 month old and have done every wake up (often every hour). A couple of hours at the weekend morning is my longest unbroken stretch of the week. My partner does get up early every day for work, but is happy to have him for half an hour each morning and a couple of hours weekend mornings so i actually get a bit of sleep.
People saying sleep when the baby sleeps in the day have also had very different babies to mine.

Oh, and I still pay half the bills despite still being on maternity leave with no pay at the moment, as if that's at all relevant.

FreeButtonBee · 15/04/2017 09:09

We do one lie in each but the person who gets up gets first dibs on a lunchtime nap if they want one.

oblada · 15/04/2017 09:14

I haven't read the whole thing but just a thought: have you considered co-sleeping? I've found that co-sleeping and bf meant that I barely lost sleep at night to be honest. Even with a newborn. Yes I wake up quite a few times at night but because I don't get up and I go back to sleep very quickly it doesn't matter much and I'm happy sleeping from 10-11pm to 7am and that's with a 2 week old baby (and 2 older children).

On the lie in front my view is that it is not helpful to try to be "fair" if fair is understood as 'equal' - everyone is different and as different needs, you need to find a system that works for you and the husband. My husband needs much less sleep than I do so he mostly deals with the early waking (ie getting up with the children if they're up before 7am - and our older one used to wake up at 5am every day as a toddler!!) And he also used to deal with our older child when she used to wake up 2-3 times a night at 2 yrs old (when she didn't need bf and just needed to be comforted back to bed) - he could function fine during the day with a disturbed sleep whereas I couldn't :)

Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 09:16

I read threads like this and start to think 'my DH is an absolute saint for everything he does'.
Then I realise he's not, he's just a decent bloke who does his share, and doesn't like to see his wife on her knees with exhaustion.

Chocachoo · 15/04/2017 09:20

I think weekend lie-ins should be shared. Having just returned to work after mat leave (so have a clear feel for both), I now know I'd hate having my alarm go off at 6am every day and knowing even at the weekends I wouldn't have a break from it! Mat leave exists so you can try and grab those naps while baby sleeps, but your husband won't have that option.
I really do sympathize, my DD didn't go through consistently until 9 months old, and the tiredness feels never ending and overwhelming. But I knew my DH was pretty knackered too. Nobody's a winner but it's a partnership and you should both have a lie-in to look forward to after a week's work Smile

cushioncovers · 15/04/2017 09:24

It was one lie in each when ours were small. Or if it was only a Sunday when no one was working we would have to share that, one week it was his lie in then the following week it was mine.

gamerwidow · 15/04/2017 09:26

One lie in each is fair and I say that as someone whose baby didn't sleep or nap for the first two years so I get how tired you are. in those early days we also split afternoon naps too to catch up on sleep e.g. If I had a lie in DH got to have an afternoon nap and vv, anything to make it through the week!

limon · 15/04/2017 09:26

Yabu. Alternate lie on Saturday and Sunday. I work full time and dh is sahp (although dd is now at school) and I get seriously cranky without a lie in once a weekend

Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 09:28

Some people really seem to need a lot of sleep.
OP has said her DH gets 9 hours uninterrupted a night (and we have to take that at face value). Anyone who would still be exhausted after that amount of sleep probably needs to see a Dr.

waterrat · 15/04/2017 09:28

Yanbu!! You are operating at a level of severe sleep deprivation and he is not !

lljkk · 15/04/2017 09:28

Does he really get 9pm-6am uninterrupted every night?
DH thinks I get that much sleep ... in reality I wake up for long spells so I can lie in bed that long but come 6am I may have only slept 2 or 4 hrs.
Occasion lie ins are the only way I ever catch up.

WomblingThree · 15/04/2017 09:29

Ecureuil I know what you mean. Everyone used to go on about how amazing my DH was when ours were little. For what? Parenting his children? When do I get my medal for doing the same!

DeadGood I agree with you. And I don't think it's only when you have waking babies. Every bloke I've ever known thinks that their sleep should be protected by law or something. Even when there are no children to think about, they expect a lie in on their day off, nothing to disturb them when they are asleep, and they take it as a personal insult if for any reason they are unable to fall asleep 🤣

Maybe I'm just jealous, as my sleep is crap 😉

waterrat · 15/04/2017 09:30

I have 2 dc who sleep all night now. I get up at six thirty every morning and im not tired.

The idea of a woman who has been up doing night feeds getting up early as well while her partner sleeps on is ridiculous.

mellysam · 15/04/2017 09:34

I think you should get the lie-ins because you have had less sleep.

I work and my DH is the SAHP.
I sleep in the spare room when it's a work night and he looks after the twins (who are still waking for a feed at 3am).
On my days off I get the babies up and my DH gets the lie in because he is the one who has had less sleep over the course of my working week.

I never get a lie in, but it won't be forever.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 15/04/2017 09:34

Dh gets up on his days off. When he's in work he's up at 5am so I see when the baby wakes at 7/8 a lie in for him, I read in bed for half an hour then follow them down. No night feeds anymore though.

Amaried · 15/04/2017 09:34

One lie in each is fair in my view.. I've been there but your dh works hard and I find it a very long week if I haven't had a lie in, even till 8.30 ish. Seems a bit mean spirited of you. By the sound of it your dh works hard too

C8H10N4O2 · 15/04/2017 09:34

YANBU - you are doing all 7 night shifts and have been for 6 months. Even if he momentarily wakes up at night its hardly comparable to hauling arse out of bed to feed a baby 2-3 times continuously for six months.

As others have said - offer him to split the weekend lie ins if you can split the night shifts at least slightly.

All this 'you sleep when the baby naps' is rubbish IME -mine never allowed this either. I used to have fantasies of four hours unbroken sleep and probably would have committed murder for it on bad days.

Once on solid food, night waking this frequently is likely to be as much habit/comfort as food. Could be worth starting to swap out some night feeds for water as well as DH doing some expressed bottle feeds. That should gradually slow down production so that you don't wake even when not feeding.

mellysam · 15/04/2017 09:38

Just asked my DH what he thinks, he said your DH can get a lie in on his days off if he does the night feeds and you get to sleep in the spare room.

Anditstartsagain · 15/04/2017 09:41

So baby wakes monday to friday at 6am OH takes him for half an hour before work so he's leaving about 6.30/7. He doesnt always make it home for bath and bed im going to assume thats anout 6.30/7 this means 5 days a week yout OH is out for 12 hour days. He gets hime at 7 by the times hes changed and fed its maybe 8ish giving him an hour of down time before feeds the baby at 9 so by the time he has done that and wound down for bed its 10 pm he goes to bed and gets 8 hours before hes up with the baby.

It sounds like he's doing his bit tbh. I have 2 kids youngest is 7 months i know its hard getting up all night but so is long days at work. Be kind to each other work as a team dont fight over who deserves what. Once mine got to 6 months i started very gently night weaning hes now only on a short feed about 1 then a full feed at 5/6 its making a huge difference its took about 6 weeks to go from 3 hourly feeds.

Dozer · 15/04/2017 09:42

The DH can't do night feeds as OP bfs and doesn't/can't express.

Original poster
Aliveinwanderland · 15/04/2017 09:44

Sorry slight drop feed but DS has only just started waking at 6am for the last few days.

Usually he wakes around 7am ish, DH gets up and fetches him into our bed and sticks CBeebies on. He gets up around 7:30am and has a shower then takes DS downstairs from 7:45-8:15 when he leaves for work.

He gets home between 6:30 and 7pm as it's an hour commute because of traffic at that time of day.

OP posts: