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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DH a lie in?

346 replies

Aliveinwanderland · 15/04/2017 06:49

DS is 6 months old and wakes every 3 hours to be fed in the night. DH does a bottle at 9pm then I breastfeed all the other feeds.

On a week day DH is at work so takes DS downstairs for half an hour in a morning while he has his breakfast. He sometimes makes it home for bath and bed, sometimes not.

At a weekend he wants a lie in. I know he works hard but since he gets from 9pm -6am uninterrupted sleep I think he should let me have the lie ins! (By lie in I mean from 6am when DS wakes to around 8/9am).

AIBU to claim all the weekend lie ins myself?

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 09:38

I never got to sleep when my baby slept during the day.

pictish · 17/04/2017 09:47

Elisaveta - speaking only for myself, I think one lie in each at the weekend is the fairest arrangement as it's not a competition. Being a sleep deprived sahm doesn't trump the relentlessness of a full time job. Similarly, going to work doesn't mean you're hard done by in comparison to your sahp spouse. Both are tough going...both totally negate freedom of movement and demand your all...albeit in different ways.
Most households I think, operate on a one each system without too much bother. I became good at sofa napping as a sahm...once baby was settled I'd get my book and blanket and get comfortable on the sofa. Two pages in...zzzzzzz. At six months I could get two hours kip in that way. Being at home affords you that.
Always looked forward to my lie in on a Saturday.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 17/04/2017 09:52

Ecureil

Idk. Which is why I usually do weekend nights and my lovely OH gets pretty much all the lie-ins.

But the OP's husband seems like a twit or is simply incredibly ignorant (stupid)

I personally think that me working and actually sleeping uninterrupted during most nights is much less stressful than being a SAHP.

This thread is actually quite depressing imo.

pictish · 17/04/2017 10:05

To add - It is fair to say that I didn't give to much of a toss about the housework when mine were babies...bare minimum required and sometimes not even that. Dh was (and still is) good at whizzing round like a hurricane and doing a decent scrub and tidy.
Something always has to give - with me it was the housework, not dh's Sunday lie in.

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 10:14

I think it's a shame in these circs that things can't be done on priority of need basis. Regardless of whose turn it is, I could say to dh 'I'm really on my knees here I need both weekend lie ins/naps etc' and unless he was honestly in the same state of exhaustion he would agree no problem. Likewise the other way round and both of us would suggest the other took it if we knew we didn't need it more.

notomatoes · 17/04/2017 10:16

When did working a full time job become such a hardship? Especially on a good 8 hours sleep? Really, if it is that difficult to survive then maybe some of you should get your unions involved.

DP happily agreed he found it easier to go to work than look after DS all day. And now I'm back at work full time it is tiring but not nearly to the zombiefied extent waking up several times in the night and being unable to nap in the day left me.

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 10:26

Maybe I just hang out with practical people rather than martyrs

Why is it being a martyr to not have my child in bed with me because it means I get no sleep at all?!
I can't sleep with a baby in my bed. Id be more of a martyr if i co slept despite it meaning I got no sleep, surely?! Practical people do what it takes for them to get as much sleep as possible. For me, that was not having my child in my bed and having the weekend lie ins!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 10:27

Thanks for replying pictish, I appreciate that.

It seems rather odd though that you would talk about it not being a competition as a reason why it's ok for OP to have much, much less sleep. It not being a competition could just as easily be used as a reason why she should be able to catch up on her sleep at weekends. After all, if it isn't a competition, why does it matter how much extra sleep DH gets?

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 10:30

And actually, on the few occasions I tried to put DD2 in my bed she wouldn't sleep at all. It was play time.
So yeah, I could have had her in my bed with neither of us sleeping, but that would be pretty stupid wouldn't it?

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 10:38

I think I see having a weekend lie in as different to getting a good nights sleep, like a luxury/bonus and I love my lie in!!

So thats why I'd feel bad my partner missing out on his and would rather find another way to even out how much sleep we were both getting.

That said in the early days of constant breastfeeding, I didn't have to ask him to take dd. He saw I was tired and would take her down until her next feed.
He was a bit crap with baby stuff at first, but he knows me well enough to know when I need sleep. So was always good with that.

Also my boyfriend sometimes works Saturdays or occasionally all weekend, obviously if it's all weekend neither of us get a lie in, if he's only working Saturday he lets me have Sunday even though it means he's not had one. And this weekend I got Saturday and today! He had Friday but we both got up yesterday, to see if easter bunny had been!

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 10:41

I actually didn't realise lie ins were that much of a thing, I only ever had them when the DC were tiny as I desperately needed the extra sleep.
Now they sleep ok we all just get up together bar illness and severe hangovers!

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2017 10:42

Mummy dider genuinely thinks everyone's baby is exactly the same as hers? Hmm my nearly two year old fell out of our bed the other day. Wait sorry - I must have imagined that because mummy diders baby could climb out at 7-8 months!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 10:48

The thing is that lie ins wouldn't be a luxury or bonus for OP with this level of sustained sleep deprivation emboo. They're a way to catch up slightly, nowhere near fully, on her sleep deficit.

And yy to people thinking all babies are the same as theirs. When mine were 6 months they were sleeping through and DH and I were both working part time so there was no issue of one being at home all day and one being out at work all the time. Ergo, that must be relevant here, and anyone whose situation differs at all from mine is being a martyr.

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 10:51

Everyone is different Ecureuil my grandparents think anything after 7 is just lazy.

I very rarely go back to sleep so it's not lack of sleep, but I love a hour or two lazing in bed on a weekend! I'm generally up and getting ready 6/6.30 every other day though!

DixieNormas · 17/04/2017 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 10:54

I know Elisaveta that's why I said when dd was up loads my partner automatically got up with her when he wasn't working.

If her partner did the 12/1 feed she would be getting 6 hours though as would he, then another 3 after waking each! That's what I'd rather do.
To be fair 6/7 hours is my average nights sleep anyway, I don't need more than that!

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 10:54

Yeah true, a morning lazing around would probably be quite nice.
Mine would bloody come up the stairs and jump on me though!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 10:58

I'd feel tired on 6-7 hours block but could manage it. It's the interruptions that I find impossible. There were times with my first when I was getting 7 hours in 24 asleep, but never at a sufficient stretch.

TheMummyDider · 17/04/2017 10:58

@timeisnotaline if you're 2yo is still unable to climb out of bed by herself that might be something you think about starting to teach her.

I'm simply pointing out that there are ways round everything. If you want to find a solution there are lots here. At six months she will be co-sleeping as it's recommended that everyone does up to a yr old. I've literally not met anyone yet who isn't co-sleeping with a baby under 1yo. That means the feeds through the night are unavoidable because she has already said that it's painful missing feeds all night. However what's wrong with her OH doing an evening feed whilst she gets an early night? I'd have loved my DS1 to have taken a bottle and had that option and OP has said her baby takes a bottle.

I don't think children are all the same. I have children all different but I adapt as each one comes along with a new phase or need. From birth I bed-share as our children don't have beds yet because they haven't asked or shown interest for their own. They know no different.

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 11:01

At six months she will be co-sleeping as it's recommended that everyone does up to a yr old. I've literally not met anyone yet who isn't co-sleeping with a baby under 1yo

No. It's recommended that they sleep in the same room as you until 6 months. Not the same bed.
Mine moved into their own rooms at 6 months because it was the way we all got more sleep. I know a wide variety of people, some co sleep, some don't, some can feed lying down and sleep through it, some can't. The thing they generally have in common is they do what's best for their family. No being a martyr at all.

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 11:02

(I'm not saying sharing a bed with your baby is wrong by the way, just that that's not the official guidelines)

TheMummyDider · 17/04/2017 11:09

Co-sleeping IS sleeping in the same room as your baby. It's recommended to do it up until at least 1yo. Bed-sharing is different and is actually a better way of doing it in our house because two rambunctious boys means we need to grab every opportunity to settle them. I've spent nearly 23months of my life pregnant and keep my babies I have here close. Personal choice and I'm not saying everyone does this. Interestingly though whilst in hospital with PNP they also recommended I slept with my eldest in bed with me.

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 11:13

The point is TheMummy that you presented your way (bed sharing, feeding while asleep) as the only sensible way. Anything else was me being a martyr apparently. Despite me and others saying they and their child actually got less sleep this way.

TheMummyDider · 17/04/2017 11:19

Yeah but there's people on here complaining that they get no sleep and are so so tired and HAVE to do all the feeds and night waking. There are millions of other options and not taking them in favour of whining that you're tired is being a martyr. You used the reasoning that your children were wriggly and crawled at 6mths. Well unless they're crawling in their sleep then how is that a problem? Also they have things like cots where you take the side off now and that'll stop accidents and falling out. Personally I chuck some pillows on the floor but have yet to need them.

Everyone does what suits them but getting advice and not doing it is just pointless

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 11:23

Well unless they're crawling in their sleep then how is that a problem?

Because as I've mentioned, DD2 wouldn't sleep in with me! She'd crawl over me, wriggle around etc. It kept me awake. I'm not lying about it, why the fuck would I? I slept worse with my child in bed with me, so doing that would be pretty nonsensical! DD1 would sleep in with me, but she was still wriggly and kicked me in the head numerous times a night. Not good for my sleep quality. You could sleep while feeling? Great. I couldn't. I'm a light sleeper and couldn't sleep with a child attached to my nipple. Just couldn't.
You don't know that the people on this thread haven't tried bed sharing and decided it doesn't work for them for whatever reason.

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