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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DH a lie in?

346 replies

Aliveinwanderland · 15/04/2017 06:49

DS is 6 months old and wakes every 3 hours to be fed in the night. DH does a bottle at 9pm then I breastfeed all the other feeds.

On a week day DH is at work so takes DS downstairs for half an hour in a morning while he has his breakfast. He sometimes makes it home for bath and bed, sometimes not.

At a weekend he wants a lie in. I know he works hard but since he gets from 9pm -6am uninterrupted sleep I think he should let me have the lie ins! (By lie in I mean from 6am when DS wakes to around 8/9am).

AIBU to claim all the weekend lie ins myself?

OP posts:
Babytalkobsession · 17/04/2017 08:07

I actually can't believe the number of people who think starting the day at 6am is hard on him!!! Wtaf! Most people are up at 6am - it is like if you work, have kids, commute etc.

Can't believe the 'poor dh having to get up at 6am after only 8 hours sleep' responses. Seriously??! It's his baby too.

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 08:09

Have you asked him if you can have both lie ins op?

If you feel bad asking him to do the 12/1 feed, then give him the choice.

I'd say, 'look I'm not getting enough sleep. Do you want to change bottle times so you do the 12/1 feed, or carrying on doing the 9/10 feed and I get to catch up both Saturday and Sunday mornings when you take baby down'

Personally I'd hope he goes for the bottle at 12/1 as when you've established a good dinner, the 9/10 feed will probably stop and then a good feed at 12/1 and he might start making it though till morning.

MoreThanUs · 17/04/2017 08:12

Babytalk - I complete ageee! Getting up at 6am is very much in the 'normal' time frame of getting up, I'd have thought. The amount of posters feeling sorry for him with his early starts is bizarre!

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 08:14

When we only had one DC we took turns at weekends (altho i did all night wakings) but the one who didn't get the lie in had a 2 hr nap. So Sat - My lie in 6-9am DH nap 1-3pm. Sun- DH lie in 6-9am My nap 1-3pm. We both just tried to get as much sleep as possible over the weekends.

Now we have 3 (4,2 and 6 months) we just let the person who looks closest to death have 45 mins extra if possible.

Our almost 6mo still feeds every 2 hours round the clock (bf). Last night i went to bed at 11.30 and got up at 5.30 and did 4 night feeds in that time. But DS2 was up running round the house for 2 hrs 2-4am with DH. So he gets the 'lie in'.

Also i'm more of a morning person. I can pull my shit together at 5am as long as i've had 3 hrs sleep. But i'm a waste of space by 7pm. So i generally get the early nights and he gets the lie ins (by lay in i mean if he's lucky he can sleep till 8).

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 08:15

Neither of mine woke up until 8am this morning so we both got a lie in... bliss!

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 08:18

To the posters saying it's normal for baby to still wake.....yes all babies are different. I think it depends on why he's waking though, is it genuine hunger? Or is it comfort/habit.
Neither are wrong, how you deal or don't with them are different though.

And I think how it's dealt with should be discussed as a couple.
My dd was waking for comfort on the boob, was hardly taking milk. We decided together to try get her out of it, which we did!
I don't think if I'd said, 'no I don't want to try stop her waking' that it would be fair for my partner to then have to miss his weekend lie in.
If we tried and no luck, then yes I'd expect him to get up at weekends, same as when she was tiny and was needing feeding every few hours.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/04/2017 08:22

When I was on mat leave I slept in baby's room so partner got full nights sleep, at weekend they took baby from 7-10 for me to have lie in ( never loved them more at that time )
Now it's one day each I love Sunday mornings

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 08:23

My 6mo wakes from genuine hunger. She has a full feed each time. So i suspect other bf 6mo are similar. Bottle fed babies are possibly different (ds1 was).

famousfour · 17/04/2017 08:24

Mine are Still under five and I can't for the life of me remember what we did when they were babies waking in the night and I was on ML. I think we probably split them on the weekend but that was because I was not too tired and I found I was able to catch up in the day. In our particular situation that dynamic worked and was 'fair' for us (despite my DH seeming to believe inherently that he needs more sleep than I do, gets more tired and is unable to go to bed earlier...Hmm).

In your situation I agree with you. If you are waking every three hours in the night and he is not then you should get to sleep in on the weekend in order to get a good block of sleep. Or he does a midnight feed on the weekend to enable this if that works for you both.

He should be able to catch up on some 'down time' later in the day if that is what is missing. Once the baby is sleeping through (or if he takes on the midnight feed on the weekend) then you split.

I also agree that the idea he is hard done by because he has to get up at 6am every day (and that only recently) is odd in circumstances where he is sleeping the full night and you are still doing multiple night wakings every night.

I know it wasn't your question but going back to work is going to be tough on that kind of sleep? Might be worth trying to work through some strategies to reduce the wakings.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 08:31

To be honest I think you need to address why your son is being fed every three hours during the night at 6 months old so you can both get some sleep

No, because he's already getting 'some sleep' ittakestwo. From about 10 until 6 each day. A lovely 8 hour bloc. If they do need to address anything, it'll be so OP can get some sleep as well.

I can see how the night feeding and waking schedule would be tough going, and I'm not suggesting that nothing possibly could be done to alleviate it. But people need to get past this idea that they're somehow both suffering here. An adult who gets what is apparently 8 hours uninterrupted sleep each night plus a lie in at weekend is not short on sleep.

JustDanceAddict · 17/04/2017 08:34

One each is fair and it's what we did for years. Fwiw I get up at 6.30 for work and I'm shattered by the weekend.

mrsclaus100 · 17/04/2017 08:35

YABU slightly in my opinion. A relationship is all about give and take and you seem to be in the competitive stage that a lot of couple go through when they have their first child. It's not a healthy attitude to have and it certainly doesn't get issues resolved. Yes, you have a small baby who is exhausting you with night feeds, and we all know just how difficult this can be. I know nothing about your husbands situation but he may have an incredibly responsible or mentally/physically taxing job and needs sleep just as much as you. The fact he takes the baby down while he has his breakfast is very good if him, seeing as he then has to get in work mode and ensure he gets there on time etc. My husband leaves the house at 6am, cycles 8 miles to work and then has a very stressful and responsible job, then gets home and gets straight back into dad mode. I let him have a lie in at weekends. Equally he recognises how hard I work and returns the favour. Because we both support each other, there are no hard feelings. Can I also suggest that you try and work on your baby's sleep routine?? At 6 months I would suggest baby has both a mid morning nap and a long 2 hour lunchtime nap, giving you the time to rest/eat lunch and clean the kitchen (however if you're that tired then I would go to bed). You may find that if your baby is sleeping better in the day, that it helps their nighttime sleep also.

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 08:45

Agree with pp. While getting up at 6 and working a long day is tiring, i don't think it can be compared to the fatigue of broken sleep. I am often crying, hallucinating, unable to speak properly and a bit delirious. If dh tried to compare an 8 hour block of sleep and long work day with that i may commit a crime.

My 6mo doesn't nap longer than 20 mins, so not all have the opportunity for a nice day sleep mrsclaus.

TheMummyDider · 17/04/2017 08:57

YABU to want the lie ins when your husband has to get up for work and you're still at home. Even if you don't sleep when the baby has a nap you can at least have a break and a cuppa. Why are you using the time to do housework? Also it's your choice to get up through the night to feed your baby. By six months I was sleeping brilliantly because DS was able to help himself and most other people I know were doing the same if they were struggling with the night wakings. I personally did two hour long feeds every hour and being able to sleep during them was the only thing that kept me sane. Your DH won't be getting uninterrupted sleep either if you're getting up through the night as he'll hear you both too. If your baby takes a bottle why can't you go to bed early after a feed and leave him to do the next one. That's 5/6hrs sleep right there!

However YANBU if your child has SN in anyway and potentially can't roll or lift his head yet (I know some babies who've lifted their head at birth and some who have been 8/9mths due to different reasons) I know it's hard but it's such a tiny part of their lives and you just need to adapt.

I agree with PP that one day each as a compromise will work if you really have to have that sleep in. Our DS1 is up for the day at 4-5am every single morning and we've just had to suck it up and look forward to the teenage years when we'll be lucky if he gets up by 4PM 😆 I've adapted to sleep 10-4 with a few necessary shuffles toward one or the other of the boys.

SomethingBorrowed · 17/04/2017 09:02

Cant you do
Fri night:- as you do now with you getting lie in
Sat night:- bf at 9 then you go to bed. Dh then does all night wakings with bottles. He gets lie in, you get up at 6
Exactly what I wanted to suggest.

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 09:02

By six months I was sleeping brilliantly because DS was able to help himself and most other people I know were doing the same if they were struggling with the night wakings

You do know all people are different right? I could never sleep through feeds, just couldn't. I also couldn't sleep with a very wriggly, mobile baby in bed (they both crawled at 6 months).
Shock horror... what works for some people doesn't work for others. Who knew?

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 09:06

For those who think one lie in each is fairer, could you explain how that can be the case when it will mean OP is getting much less sleep?

Ecureuil · 17/04/2017 09:08

I still can't see how anyone getting 8-9 hours sleep a night is sleep deprived!

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 09:11

I also don't know many jobs where people don't get any breaks or a cuppa. My 'lucky' dh gets to make a coffee for himself and even eat lunch. Shock

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 09:17

I would also agree that if the baby will take a bottle, the dh do one full night at the weekend so you get one block of 8hrs sleep a week. And sleep in another room so you don't get disturbed.

SomethingBorrowed · 17/04/2017 09:20

koala
I think what they meant is that when a baby naps, for ex the first nap in the morning you can lie in bed even if you can't really sleep because the baby needs to be settled from time to time. At work you can take a quick break but not in the same way.

SomethingBorrowed · 17/04/2017 09:23

if the baby will take a bottle, the dh do one full night at the weekend
Yes
We did that. The first time DH didn't wake me and did this I told him off in the morning because my breasts were too full...then I realized how it could be a great thing and allow me an uninterrupted night

TheMummyDider · 17/04/2017 09:28

Wow Ecureuil I see you're one of those. Well I shit you not my child of three is very very mobile and he can manage to sleep in my bed so he gets his night feeds. It's never ever been an issue. He's slept in since newborn and simply knows "be careful on the edge" by 7/8 months he could drop down himself. I don't know any bf mothers who haven't done it like this of sleep is becoming a problem. Maybe I just hang out with practical people rather than martyrs.

OP imho if you take your husbands weekend lie in away from him it'll cause more problems of resentment. Ask him to do an evening feed if you need that sleep. Your baby is only a baby for a very short time.

MrsKoala · 17/04/2017 09:33

Depends on the work, depends on the baby. Most jobs I've had (and dh) you can take break - she particularly manages to go to restaurants at lunch time and he also has an hour each way on the train which he snoozes on. Our 6mo doesn't nap longer than 20mins at any point in the day (apart from when being pushed in the buggy - which means I can't nap).

So he agrees he gets the much better deal.

user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 09:36

He can have one of the weekend sleeps if he does one of the nighttime feeds each night. Maybe the 2am feed?

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