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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DH a lie in?

346 replies

Aliveinwanderland · 15/04/2017 06:49

DS is 6 months old and wakes every 3 hours to be fed in the night. DH does a bottle at 9pm then I breastfeed all the other feeds.

On a week day DH is at work so takes DS downstairs for half an hour in a morning while he has his breakfast. He sometimes makes it home for bath and bed, sometimes not.

At a weekend he wants a lie in. I know he works hard but since he gets from 9pm -6am uninterrupted sleep I think he should let me have the lie ins! (By lie in I mean from 6am when DS wakes to around 8/9am).

AIBU to claim all the weekend lie ins myself?

OP posts:

fluffiny31 · 16/04/2017 20:52

In my house dp thinks I have an easy job looking after a toddler on the go all the time even though she is quite a sicky child since starting nursery and that because i work part time its really easy as some days i only work 4 hours he drives a lorry at night but not for his whole shift so is hard done to i on the other hand look after children with life limiting illnesses with complex medical needs but in his eyes is easy work men don't always get it. I leave him to sleep mainly because he drives at night but what he doesn't realise the days I'm up mega early or up in the night regular then have to be responsible for other kids is hard. It's just fighting a loosing battle in this house. But i win because he always said dd will be a daddies girl and is far from it because i do all the main graft and he hates it when she chooses me ovet him every time.

testing123testing123 · 16/04/2017 20:52

Why on earth does someone who gets 9 hours sleep a night need a lie in as well? How much sleep do these poor working men need?!

Ecureuil · 16/04/2017 21:05

Why on earth does someone who gets 9 hours sleep a night need a lie in as well? How much sleep do these poor working men need?!

I've asked this about 4 times on this thread and no one has answered. DH generally got 7-8 hours (he may have woken up when the DC did but went straight back to sleep) and wouldn't have dreamed of claiming he needed a lie in over me, who was getting up multiple times a night.
If you need a lie in when sleeping 9 hours a night I really think you need to speak to your GP

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 16/04/2017 21:06

testing Idk. But I think more than 9 (or is it 10?) hours a night are unhealthy anway. And associated with weightgain...

FKat2016 · 16/04/2017 21:32

Assuming dp gets a 7-8 hour nights sleep, I don't understand why so many people think it's important for him to have a lie in? I'm sure he works hard, but a 7-8 hour sleep is enough to recover and prepare for the next day. You, on the other hand, are sleep deprived, so it would be helpful for you to have a chance to make up the lost sleep.

A lie in for dp is a luxury but for you it's more of a necessity.

I often feel ill with sleep deprivation, impossible to nap during the day and dc is a dreadful sleeper.

If dp is also disturbed during the night then it's not quite so clear cut, but if that is the case perhaps he could wear ear plugs or sleep elsewhere for the time being, so that he's more fit for his early starts and able to help you on weekend mornings by letting you catch up on sleep.

Agree once dc is sleeping through the nights, lie ins should be taken in turns, but the way things are at the moment, I believe you should be having the extra couple of hours.

Bella1985 · 16/04/2017 21:37

OP I feel your pain. DS is 4 months old and I saw red when DH first announced that he wanted a lie in on the weekends. DS won't take a bottle so all feeds are my responsibility. DH is fantastic and takes DS downstairs before work to change and dress him so I can shower, get dressed and eat breakfast. DH sleeps in the spare bedroom so i was really upset when he said he wanted lie ins - he just doesn't know how bad it feels to function around a baby on so little and broken sleep, and how depressing is not having a decent nights sleep in months. What drives me mad is that he will stay up late watching tv or reading online articles instead of going to sleep and then will moan that he's tired in the morning!

Our compromise is that I entertain and feed DS in bed on weekends and try and wait until 8am before I wake DH on the weekends and he comes to take DS downstairs and I get a few hours sleep. I appreciate that me being more tired doesn't take away DHs tiredness and have tried to let go of my jealousy. I frequently threaten him with sleeping in with us and I'd wake him when DS is feeding and not going back to sleep at 3am but frankly DH is grumpy when tired so I never force him to walk in my shoes or I'd have to face his grumpyness the next day and I'm much better at dealing with the tiredness! Also, if he woke at night too I wouldn't be able to claim the morning nap at weekends as he'd also need it! Talk it through and find something that works for you. Good luck!

FurryElephant · 16/04/2017 21:39

I don't understand why the DH needs a lie in either to be honest waking up multiple times a night for god knows how long with no end in sight is pure torture. Sometimes when I hear my DD stirring for the billionth time a night I genuinely want to cry and a lot of babies looking at you, DD won't be put down for naps, which rules out napping when they do.

OldMcdonalad · 16/04/2017 21:41

On a weekend when dp wasn't working he'd get up with dd and I'd sleep till gone 9 he did that a lot, but I was the only one up throughout the night

OldMcdonalad · 16/04/2017 21:44

If you breastfeed could you get baby in bed with you (I know it's not the best advice) but I occasionally used to lay on my side have one arm underneath babies head and around, nearest to the side of the bed and breast fed like that, we'd both fall asleep and get cuddly :) but I'm not a very deep sleeper and always felt aware she was there. Never put dc in the middle of the bed either.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 16/04/2017 21:47

Op why doesn't your dh do a bottle during the night as well? If he's already doing bottles then you don't have to bf every feed at night?
I'm a sahm for a while till DS is a bit older but I do all the night feeds. We co sleep so even though dh doesn't do the feed he doesn't have an uninterrupted sleep because DS cries and starts crawling towards his bottles, so dh has to wake up and hold him while I get his feed ready.
Anyway we take a turn each during the weekend, but I've been on both sides and being a sahm parent is so much easier. When DS naps, I do get some downtime.

thestarryeyedsurprise · 16/04/2017 21:48

I agree with you OP. A study recently showed that broken sleep makes you more tired than for examples 6 hours of solid sleep. If his sleep is not interrupted through the night I agree you should get a lie in.

sherazade · 16/04/2017 21:49

Dh got the lie in because of his relentless hours but then he had to take the baby out in the sling for two hours so I could have a two hour sleep at around 10 am. Worth a try ?

Aurora87 · 16/04/2017 21:58

I think one each is fairer. Your lives are very different at the moment and you are sleep deprived but he gets up early for work each day and if you had all the weekend lie ins, he'd never get one. Could you possibly ask for a compromise where you get both lie ins once a month and split them the rest of the time?

Strygil · 16/04/2017 22:03

Whenever I see a thread beginning with the question "Am I being unreasonable" my initial response is always "probably". People who ask this question usually want confirmation that other people who may write in to the thread are as unreasonably as they are.

In this case the OP is being unreasonable. Stuck at home with a child all day it is easy to remember the stress involved in being up, dressed, out of the house and on the bus at 7.45 every morning, work an eight hour shift at a demanding job and then come home to do your best to parent your child and partner your partner.

I have been both a husband to a SAHM and also a SAHF to a wife working full time, and the latter was a piece of cake by comparison.

AppleMagic · 16/04/2017 22:05

This thread is so depressing. I can't imagine being with a person who would expect me to get up with the kids when they knew I'd been up all night and they'd had a full nights sleep.
Sharing lie ins is only "fair" if night wakings are shared too. I can't imagine how anyone could quibble about "only" getting 8/9 hours stretch of sleep when they know their partner never gets longer than 2.5hrs. AS IF the odd catch up nap (often of less than an hour) during the day makes things even!

ElisavetaFartsonira · 16/04/2017 22:07

Indeed it is apple.

user1471558436 · 16/04/2017 22:09

I don't think the stress of being up and out and at work after 9 hours sleep compares to the utter exhaustion of multiple night wakings. Sleep is an essential basic need. OP isn't getting enough sleep, while her DH is.

whoknewitwastrue · 16/04/2017 22:18

What kind of selfish twat would lie around in bed and make his wife get up with the baby when she has not had a full night's sleep in months?

This. With bells on.

DH insisted on splitting lie ins to make it 'fair' with DC1 despite getting a full night's sleep. I stupidly went along with it for a year before realising the above. His sense of entitlement almost broken our marriage. It really changed my view of him.

DC2 - we share the nights regardless of work commitments. I had terrible insomnia in pregnancy and was expected to get up and get on with it, plus DH feels he 'owes' me from being a twat first time round.

RB68 · 16/04/2017 22:19

Hmm 6 mths and still feeding every 3 hrs is out of the ordinary in my view for a child that has standard development.

I have a couple of things I would say:

is it possible to let him have the lie in Sat and then take over the feeds Sat night giving you one unbroken nights sleep (I appreciate if you are breast feeding it may mean you do 9pm feed and sleep till 3 and do that one a couple of times to get your body to adjust to that timing.

I learnt to change times of feeds so last feed was around 12pm and baby then woke about 6 (from about aged 4 mths and mine was a premmie), when she woke in the middle of he night water was offered as I realised it was more of a comfort thing to feed

I would start the food process in the early evening say around 8pm so that they actually consume something more solid and then start to sleep through.

I would focus on the baby and the baby's habits and get them sleeping for 6 hrs and then the lie ins become less of an issue and you can share weekends or do as I mentioned earlier and let DH experience the whole look after baby thing overnight - with you in a spare room!!

RB68 · 16/04/2017 22:19

Hmm 6 mths and still feeding every 3 hrs is out of the ordinary in my view for a child that has standard development.

I have a couple of things I would say:

is it possible to let him have the lie in Sat and then take over the feeds Sat night giving you one unbroken nights sleep (I appreciate if you are breast feeding it may mean you do 9pm feed and sleep till 3 and do that one a couple of times to get your body to adjust to that timing.

I learnt to change times of feeds so last feed was around 12pm and baby then woke about 6 (from about aged 4 mths and mine was a premmie), when she woke in the middle of he night water was offered as I realised it was more of a comfort thing to feed

I would start the food process in the early evening say around 8pm so that they actually consume something more solid and then start to sleep through.

RB68 · 16/04/2017 22:23

Oh and I too have been the stay at home parent and the working parent and work was a breeze in comparison...and yes was a senior level management job

Honeybee79 · 16/04/2017 22:29

Yanbu. Unless your baby naps during the day and you can sleep then (mine doesn't, so I now it's a killer), you should get the sleeping ins under these circumstances!

Yes, your DH has to get up early for work etc etc, but he gets 9 hours sleep! Even if he gets a but disturbed by you getting up to feed etc that's still plenty. You, on the other hand, get up every 3 hrs in the night, no sleep in the day and are in charge of a baby, which is also exhausting and demanding. I really don't get all the YABUs!

Honeybee79 · 16/04/2017 22:31

bit .

If I got 9 hrs sleep for 5 nights of the wk, I would have no issue getting up early at wkends regardless of work.

boatyroo · 16/04/2017 22:35

Hmm 6 mths and still feeding every 3 hrs is out of the ordinary in my view for a child that has standard development.

A good proportion of the breastfed babies i I know fed this often or more at that age, mine included.

As others have said, it's not really a lie in for the OP if she's been up throughout the night. When the baby starts sleeping longer periods, or if night wakings were shared, of course it would be fairer to split lie ins if possible. In the current situation she needs to catch up on some sleep.

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2017 22:40

I had a non sleeping baby - of course I had every lie in! Lie ins were my only chance to get over 2 hours sleep in a row, getting that twice a week meant surviving , not equality by a loooong means.

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