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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP taking the credit for out DCs birthdays?

82 replies

Hoptastic53 · 14/04/2017 23:28

We have my DSD (10), my DD (8) and a 6 and a 2 year old together and I'm pregnant too. It's DSDs birthday next week but she'll be with her mum so we're celebrating this weekend. I've arranged to collect three of her friends in the morning and I'm taking them to a theme park for the day. I've booked a restaurant for dinner on the way home and arranged for her friends to sleepover afterwards. I've researched, ordered, shopped and paid for and wrapped her presents. I've arranged for a family dinner to celebrate on Sunday, then on Monday for a surprise we're going to collect the pet rats she has wanted forever.

Tonight DSD asked her dad what he'd got her for her birthday and whether she could have one present tonight. He laughed and said to ask me what she's getting. She then asked if he'd actually done anything for her birthday or left it all to me. He said that whatever I organise or buy is from him, too. She looked unimpressed with that response and I was too. I have spent hours organising her birthday and presents. We don't share finances and I've paid for everything, the same as I do with all the DCs birthdays.

I realised it annoys me that he takes the credit and likes being there for the photos and thanks but doesn't actually do anything. When I told him this tonight he said he'll be sure to point out to the DC that next time they're warm from the heating it's thanks to him paying the gas bill and nothing to do with me Hmm

AIBU to be pissed off with his lack of interest but claiming of credit? It's the same at Christmas, he's as surprised as the DC when they open their presents and doesn't pay for any.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/04/2017 23:29

Hang on a minute. What does he pay for? If he's paying half of everything, but you split the bills between you, that's one thing, but otherwise he's a stingy old goat!

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 14/04/2017 23:31

I think it's a bit weird that you're doing all the shopping and effort for you DSDs birthday. What would happen if you didn't do that?

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 23:32

He can only do this because you let him

Why do you take over all the organising and buying?

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 23:34

And why is he not going to the theme park, for his own DD's birthday?

honeylulu · 14/04/2017 23:36

From his heating comment am I right that he pays mortgage and bills and you pay child related expenses?

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 14/04/2017 23:46

He pays the rent and utilities plus £200 pcm towards groceries. He also pays for his phone and pension and car insurance. I pay for all DCs activities, presents, trips, days out, clothes, around £400 pcm on groceries and petrol, pets food and bills, my phone bill and credit card and anything for the house.

He isn't going for her birthday because he hates rides. Though I suspect also partly because I said I have no money left so he'd have to buy his own ticket.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 14/04/2017 23:47

If I didn't organise something for her, it wouldn't occur to him to do so.

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 14/04/2017 23:47

Why are you having a 3rd child with him?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/04/2017 23:54

YANBU to be annoyed.
Let him point out to the DCs that he pays the bills. I doubt they'll be impressed.
It's the thoughtfulness and effort in the birthday celebrations that your DSD will be appreciating not how much it cost. Paying a gas bill isn't comparable . . . but he knows that. He just hoped you wouldn't call him on it.

ApplePaltrow21 · 14/04/2017 23:54

So he pays way more than you pay? please stop being vague and actually answer whether he pays half or not. if he's wrong, he'll still be wrong when we have all the facts.

because right now it sounds like he pays way more than you pay. He pays rent, utilities and towards groceries. He also pays his own phone, pension and car. You pay... groceries and kid's stuff and your own phone etc.

How is that equal?

ApplePaltrow21 · 14/04/2017 23:56

Is there a point at which you are four kids in, you don't share finances, you're not happy and you decide... not to have another kid?

anothermalteserplease · 14/04/2017 23:57

That's really sad actually. Your poor DSD knows he makes zero effort for her.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 00:04

It's impossible to say he 'pays half' because we pay different things. I can't afford to pay into a pension, for example, he pays almost £300 towards his. He earns over four times what I do.

I agree it's the effort that she was calling him on rather than the money. It's him taking credit for the effort from his mum, DSDs mum, his friends and so on that frustrates me.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/04/2017 00:12

Hops. When are you going to wake up and kick his stupid, sorry, arse out?

Cancel the Rats. Neither of her parents will care for them, they can't care for their daughter.

He's a lazy selfish git using you to parent his daughter.

He me make angry, I don't know how youbhavent shoved him under a fucking patio.

Life would be infinitely better living on your own with your kids - the genuinely little ones, not the adult acting like one.

.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 00:16

I will care for the rats when she isn't here. She's going to be absolutely made up.

If I left him DSD would have no one.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 15/04/2017 00:19

You haven't answered the posters asking why you are having another child with this man when he doesn't seem to care about the ones that already exist?

Fossie · 15/04/2017 00:20

Too harsh Annie! OP If DSD was your own would it seem so bad? I can't understand why established couples don't pool their money. I'm a SAHM and sort out all the birthday/ Christmas presents for our DC. It's just a division of labour. If you aren't happy, talk about it. I wouldn't want a child to feel unloved/less loved. Try and get that point over to your DP.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 00:26

It's the same with our own DC Fossie. It'd feel like a division of labour if there was anything besides his job on his side of the divide, but there isn't.

He does care about the DC, he just thinks saying it is enough but DSD in particular needs more from him.

OP posts:
FunkyChunkyCherub · 15/04/2017 00:30

I'd come down hard on him, he's definitely taking you for granted OP!

Are you going to be okay taking the kids to a theme park if you're pregnant?! He should be helping! X

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 15/04/2017 00:32

Hang on, you're not married and he's feathering his own pension, that you will have no call on if you split up?!!!!!!

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 00:35

I'm only the chaperone, they're tall enough to ride alone.

The pension thing is getting to me. Particularly as he's keen for me to be a SAHM once baby is born.

OP posts:
sandgrown · 15/04/2017 00:42

I don't share money with my DP Fossie. I had my fingers burnt when ex DH went off with all our money from the sale of a business. I will never share a bank account with anybody again! I also bought all DSC presents when they were younger. DP is a rubbish present buyer and quite tight so they got much better presents when I bought them. I also organised birthday activities and paid for their holiday s with us. I even paid DP's maintenance when he was out of work because I am very close to my DSC.

FreeNiki · 15/04/2017 00:44

if he wants you to be a sahm he can marry you. give you financial protection.

would he? if not why are you on child 3? has marriage or any kind of financial stability been on the cards?

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2017 00:50

If you become a SAHM who will pay for the children's things then?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 15/04/2017 00:54

Actually for me it was the disparity in pension that concerned me most in your posts. Even as a non-earner you can pay £3600 gross into a stakeholder pension. So I am politely going to suggest that you pare presents, days out etc down to a minimum and use that money for your pension. Also don't forget that you have an isa allowance. If you are not married you have no financial protection in the event of separstion.

I personally think that an earning parent who is allowing their non-earning partner to have nothing for pension whilst they pay into theirs each month is bordering on financial abuse.