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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP taking the credit for out DCs birthdays?

82 replies

Hoptastic53 · 14/04/2017 23:28

We have my DSD (10), my DD (8) and a 6 and a 2 year old together and I'm pregnant too. It's DSDs birthday next week but she'll be with her mum so we're celebrating this weekend. I've arranged to collect three of her friends in the morning and I'm taking them to a theme park for the day. I've booked a restaurant for dinner on the way home and arranged for her friends to sleepover afterwards. I've researched, ordered, shopped and paid for and wrapped her presents. I've arranged for a family dinner to celebrate on Sunday, then on Monday for a surprise we're going to collect the pet rats she has wanted forever.

Tonight DSD asked her dad what he'd got her for her birthday and whether she could have one present tonight. He laughed and said to ask me what she's getting. She then asked if he'd actually done anything for her birthday or left it all to me. He said that whatever I organise or buy is from him, too. She looked unimpressed with that response and I was too. I have spent hours organising her birthday and presents. We don't share finances and I've paid for everything, the same as I do with all the DCs birthdays.

I realised it annoys me that he takes the credit and likes being there for the photos and thanks but doesn't actually do anything. When I told him this tonight he said he'll be sure to point out to the DC that next time they're warm from the heating it's thanks to him paying the gas bill and nothing to do with me Hmm

AIBU to be pissed off with his lack of interest but claiming of credit? It's the same at Christmas, he's as surprised as the DC when they open their presents and doesn't pay for any.

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 15/04/2017 09:03

It would be a huge mistake on your part to become a SAHP, please don't do it.

dowhatnow · 15/04/2017 09:16

I am going to say he wasn't taking the credit. He made it obvious to his dd that you are responsible for everything - which is why she wasn't impressed. And he's right that in most families the gifts are from both parents regardless of who actually does the organising etc.

But the birthday is a red herring. You wouldn't feel so resentful if your finances were actually fair. Which they obviously aren't. This is what you must focus on, not muddying the waters with birthday talk. You can use that as one example but you need to bring up the other things too.

You need to sit down and list all the expenses. Include your pension provision which is as important as his. Then you need to divide these up more fairly. I would want equal spending money per person but I realise that lots of others do percentages etc. Whichever way you choose something has to change because it certainly isn't fair at the moment and it will only get worse with the new baby.

HappyFlappy · 15/04/2017 09:27

Mr Flappy takes all the credit for our dogs being very well-behaved, and modestly says to people who comment, that it is "kindness, consistency, and kudos" and recommending to other people (the ones that ask for advice - he doesn't press his dog-training opinions on random people in the street!) the they use gentle methods, decide what they want the dog to do and NEVER let it disobey an instruction, and give buckets of cuddles and praise when the dog gets it right, and lots of encouragement if it is obviously trying hard.

What he tends not to mention is that I am the one who teaches them to be good doggy citizens, and that he actually undermines my training by using different instructions and confusing them. e.g. - the dogs have been taught to stop and sit at the edge of the pavement when we come to a road. the wait until told to cross. My signal, which they have been taught is "Okay". Mr Flappy says "okay" or "come on" or "cross now" or "it's clear" and then half the time has to drag them because they are still trying to sit nicely at the kerb.

I also use "wait" when I want the dogs to watch me and wait for another instruction, and "stay" when I am going to walk away from them for a distance (in or out of their sight). He uses "stay" for everything. This second one isn't the end off the world, but I find it bliddy irritating!

Incidentally, I not only train the dogs, but walk (90% of the time), feed, groom and medicate them. Mr Flappy just sits back and accepts the compliments on our beautiful, elegant, well-behaved dogs. (And if I go away for a few days I come back to two canine juvenile delinquents!)

find it mildly annoying, but if it keeps him happy . . .

HappyFlappy · 15/04/2017 09:41

Apologies for derailment. (I did apologise straight after, but it seems not to have registered)

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 10:14

He says we will get married, hence the pension is for our future Hmm

I will still be expected to pay for the same things if a SAHM from child benefit and tax credits. My wages are used up on groceries, petrol and childcare mostly.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 15/04/2017 10:19

Does he have more personal spending money than you?
When are you getting married? Promises are cheap.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2017 11:13

Hop - get married in a registry office before baby is born , or say no to stay at home. Tell him if baby arrives he is out of time to decide that.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2017 11:19

Until you are married you have no claim on his pension and little to no claim on his salary to support you only the children have an expectation of being supported by him. (I know there are some exceptions to this)

Onlly a certifiable lunatic would become a SAHP in this situation without an agreed contribution to a pension find or a long term savings plan. Particulalry as he already shows he doesn;t much care about your position.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2017 11:22

My parents divorced after 35 years and my mum had spent probably almost half that time being a SAHM - with associated loss of earnings/pension etc. The only thing which has saved her from a retirement of scrimping is that they were married and she got a fair save of the total assets including my Dad's pension pot.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2017 11:23

And as an aside - your DSD wasn;t talking about the money - she was talking about effort. I would imagine that his effort over her birthday does about equal his efforts in paying the gas bill.

Oysterbabe · 15/04/2017 11:33

YANBU but it's your fault you are in this position. I'd have told him to get fucked and told him to pull his weight the first time he expected me to organise everything.

beekeeper17 · 15/04/2017 11:36

If you're better at organising birthdays and picking presents and are happy to do it (and I guess a lot of women do this rather than the men) then I see no issue with you doing this but collectively coming across as a team. I don't think it's fair to say to the daughter that her dad had nothing to do with it, it has the potential to make her feel like he doesn't care. In most relationships, each person takes on different roles, they don't have exactly the same input into everything, but they can still act as a team. But it does seem to be getting to you, so maybe there's a lot more going on under the surface.

I think you do need to seriously look at your financial situation. It sounds like your partner is making sure he's ok financially instead of considering you, himself and the family as a unit. This seems to be the bigger issue.

Therealslimshady1 · 15/04/2017 11:44

Ok, so either you get married asap, or you run for the hills.

Or you start paying less (and him more) UNTIL the moment you are married.

You are in a dangerous limbo, don't allow yourself to be so vulnerable!

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 11:45

It's your own fault.
I know that's harsh, but it is.
You're choosing to be with this man, and you're choosing to let him off the hook of doing anything or paying for his child.

Not getting that it takes hours to organise a theme park day, a family dinner and some presents though?

Theme park tickets: 5 minutes in line.
Texting round to confirm attendees for party and sleepover: 5 minutes.
Booking restaurants and texting round family with details: 5 minutes.

How complicated were the presents?!

Therealslimshady1 · 15/04/2017 11:45

And what beekeeper said in her last paragraph!

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 11:45

^ which of course is even more reason why her lazy arse father could have done it.

You're choosing to do it for him.

LadyLapsang · 15/04/2017 12:08

OP, if he says he will get married then book somewhere now. You are incredibly vulnerable financially. He could leave you and get away with paying minimum child support. Seriously, look at your finances and consider what would happen if he walked out today, next year or in ten years time. Don't be put off by talk of wanting to wait to have a big wedding etc., get it done now. If you are really a couple he would be making sure you have equal pension contributions. You are crazy prioritising gifts he should be buying for his own child over your financial wellbeing.

beekeeper17 · 15/04/2017 12:28

I completely understand why some people are suggesting you marry him as soon as possible for the financial security, but to be honest, it sounds to me like you have some issues in the relationship that you really need to iron out before you get married. Yes you'll be more financially secure (which is of course a good thing) but is it possible there are other issues going on here if he'll only look after you and the family financially when he's forced to by law through you getting married??

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2017 12:36

"My wages are used up on groceries, petrol and childcare mostly."
Used up. Hmm.

Have you ever considered that this is a deliberate tactic of his? To ensure that you are unable to save for your future, but must be dependent on him?

"He says we will get married"
Then why aren't you already? What has stopped this from happening? And don't say 'saving for the wedding, it's so expensive' - a wedding does not need a lavish reception; it needs a licence, two witnesses and an hour at the local Registry Office. Sub-£100 I believe. Your eldest is eight, so you've been together at least nine years - plenty of time to have arranged the formalities. Your have borne him three children. You are financially vulnerable and in my opinion, you are financially vulnerable because he has structured your joint finances to make it so.

Welshrainbow · 15/04/2017 13:58

If I were you I'd be annoyed at your OH too but it sounds like your DSD understands exactly how it works now and is grateful for everything you for her. Shame he doesn't care enough about her to choose one thing for her himself.

coconutpie · 15/04/2017 14:29

After all bills are paid, how much does he have left over per month for personal spending and how much do you have left? I can't understand how women have multiple babies with men and still carry on with no security. You are very vulnerable financially OP.

life07 · 15/04/2017 14:40

His comment about one person making the plans is not applicable here IMO as usually the other person is a parent and while she grateful for you, she wants her dad to make an effort like her mum and step mum have.No matter how much you do it won't make up for his lack of effort.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2017 14:43

You last post was very telling. Your oh is a wanker of the first order. It really is all about him. Miser.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 15/04/2017 22:19

I don't have any personal spending money. I can't afford maternity clothes. I was lucky enough not to need them in my previous pregnancies but I'm much bigger now. I'm guessing (I don't have access to his finances) that he has at least £5/600 per month left after everything else.

Yes we could just go get married in a registry office and actually I think he'd like to because it's cheaper but as a previous poster said, I don't particularly want to rush into marrying him just for financial security in the future. Nothing would change day to day, I'd just feel more of an idiot for being consistently broke while he's so tight over everything.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 15/04/2017 22:32

Some rude responses. You need to sit down and have a chat. It's your choice not to pool resources which is fine but your partner needs to start paying some into your account. Bill him for these things.

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