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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP taking the credit for out DCs birthdays?

82 replies

Hoptastic53 · 14/04/2017 23:28

We have my DSD (10), my DD (8) and a 6 and a 2 year old together and I'm pregnant too. It's DSDs birthday next week but she'll be with her mum so we're celebrating this weekend. I've arranged to collect three of her friends in the morning and I'm taking them to a theme park for the day. I've booked a restaurant for dinner on the way home and arranged for her friends to sleepover afterwards. I've researched, ordered, shopped and paid for and wrapped her presents. I've arranged for a family dinner to celebrate on Sunday, then on Monday for a surprise we're going to collect the pet rats she has wanted forever.

Tonight DSD asked her dad what he'd got her for her birthday and whether she could have one present tonight. He laughed and said to ask me what she's getting. She then asked if he'd actually done anything for her birthday or left it all to me. He said that whatever I organise or buy is from him, too. She looked unimpressed with that response and I was too. I have spent hours organising her birthday and presents. We don't share finances and I've paid for everything, the same as I do with all the DCs birthdays.

I realised it annoys me that he takes the credit and likes being there for the photos and thanks but doesn't actually do anything. When I told him this tonight he said he'll be sure to point out to the DC that next time they're warm from the heating it's thanks to him paying the gas bill and nothing to do with me Hmm

AIBU to be pissed off with his lack of interest but claiming of credit? It's the same at Christmas, he's as surprised as the DC when they open their presents and doesn't pay for any.

OP posts:
Isetan · 15/04/2017 03:33

You've still not answered the question about why you're having more babies with this man? You're just another woman who picks up this mans slack.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2017 03:42

OP, you are extremely vulnerable, financially. You need to address this ASAP.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 15/04/2017 07:52

OP you are very vulnerable. You should have a pension & safety net for your future.

I think he sounds very lazy & selfish that he has no input into children's birthdays & that he looks after his own pension.

Fully agree with the PP who stated the rats are a bad idea, giving you yet another thing to be responsible for.

You say you "cannot afford a pension" yet you are planning to have another child. That makes no sense!

Chloe84 · 15/04/2017 07:59

OP, why on earth are you paying for so much when he earns 4 x as much as you?

Insist on a joint account where you have access to family money.

His pension is of no use to you unless you are married so him £300 into it benefits him but not you.

Wake up!

UppityHumpty · 15/04/2017 08:02

You have split the bills with him though. He pays the bills you pay expenses. You also seem to like him enough to get knocked up by him again. So not sure what the problem is here?

LindyHemming · 15/04/2017 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 15/04/2017 08:08

Agree with Uppity. It doesn't sound like a big deal to me. It's not like he was going around taking the credit. She asked, he said to ask you - thereby not taking credit - she pushed, he kept it vague around it being 'from' you both. Which it is, unless you really want him to get into the details and tell her he pays most of the household expenses and you do birthdays cos you're (by the sounds of it) great at it. If this bothers you, it must be coming from a deeper resentment and I agree that you're taking a big risk having three DC without being married to this man and having a pension etc. He should also be a better father and make an effort for his DD, but again you seem to accept this enough to have more DC with him so perhaps it's just one of those weird checks and balances that many relationships have.

Pollydonia · 15/04/2017 08:10

Well it is a good job that your dad has you in her life, and from the sounds of it she knows that.
The money thing is all wrong, you either pool resources financially or your looking forward to a life of being financially screwed.
Why didn't you marry?

Pollydonia · 15/04/2017 08:10

*dsd

BrutusMcDogface · 15/04/2017 08:11

Once again, a flood of posters asking why an op is having another baby with the man. Well, she is, and it's a done deal now, so no point arguing the fact.

I agree re: you bring financially vulnerable though, and with him being a knob. Poor dsd, knowing that her own father is putting zero effort into her birthday.

Jooni · 15/04/2017 08:18

I find it odd that after 5 children, 3 together, you still have separate finances? Do you not trust each other? Why not a shared family account that you both pay into and everything is paid out of, so it's not his or your money paying for X or Y thing but just everything coming out of the household income?

I also agree that if he's paying handsomely into his own pension pot and happily accepting a financial situation which leaves you unable to pay anything into yours, alarm bells should be ringing big time. You'll have no financial security for the future if you split (and tbh, your posts make it sound like you're fed up with him already and only staying through necessity/concern for DSD). Sorry if that sounds harsh, but from your tone it seems like a split in the future may not be inconceivable, so you need to think about your own financial security!

NormaSmuff · 15/04/2017 08:19

you cant let on to your DSD that you did it all. She needs to know that her father had input, needs to think that it was him, his relationship with her is most important.

pipsqueak25 · 15/04/2017 08:23

op knows he's a bit of a dead loss deep down that's why she isn't responding to the 'why have another baby with him' angle, she has probably convinced herself against what others clearly see.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/04/2017 08:25

Norma it's not the OP's responsibility too create a false perception in her stepdaughter's mind that her father is a considerate man who cares about her birthdays. His relationship with her is important, it should be important primarily to HIM. It's not the job of others to take the brunt of financial and physical responsibility for boilstering their relationship. That's completely and utterly unfair. And besides, OP said her SD had guessed anyway, and her dad had already told her to ask OP because he didn't know!

TheGoodWife16 · 15/04/2017 08:28

If he's keen for you to be a SAHM, is he going to fund all of the things you currently do?

PoorYorick · 15/04/2017 08:29

Mean with money, mean with love.

Spottytop1 · 15/04/2017 08:29

I don't see an issue here ( aside the pension).
Your agreement on finances is that he pays all rent, bills etc. and you pay and organise the 'nice things' - so activities and gifts are in effect from both of you .
I have always organised all activities, presents etc and it's never bothered me ( I enjoy it) and its always from both of us.

You need your own pension or savings though.

LagunaBubbles · 15/04/2017 08:37

Brutus why shouldn't people ask why she is pregnant again to him? It's the same sad old story - woman comes on complaining about an abusive/selfish/twat of a man etc yet keeps on having children with him. We live in a world where woman have control over their own bodies and contraception and yes whilst unplanned pregnancies do occur it's not as if a woman is helpless, there can be all sorts of reasons she keeps on having children and if they're connected to low self esteem, vain hope the will "change" etc then it's helpful to be able to identify and work on that, rather than bringing yet another innocent child into an awful relationship. No-one is "arguing the fact."Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2017 08:38

Is he going to get a joint account with you and give you the maximum you can pay into a pension? Or better give you a chunk of money from his big fat savings account to invest perhaps? He's taking the piss out of you in a big way. You need financial security for your family. And please, make this your last child.

slkk · 15/04/2017 08:39

I think there are 2 issues: finances and effort. You do seem to be in a vulnerable situation financially. I can't really comment on effort as each household splits these things differently.
This year as usual, I organised dss's (13) gifts and day out etc like you did (but paid out of joint account) and for the first time he seemed to acknowledge that it was all my efforts, not his dad's. That was nice. But I know it doesn't affect their relationship. His dad just doesn't really 'get' presents, it wasn't part of his childhood and so that's my job. He does loads of other things with the kids and they know he puts a lot of love and thought into their everyday life.

thethoughtfox · 15/04/2017 08:45

Start paying into a pension pronto and adjust the cost of all future presents and and outings accordingly. You are not married? Don't become a SAHM: you have no rights to his pension or house (if it's his: is it?) If there's one thing I've learned from MN it's that unmarried, lower earning mothers need to protect themselves.

SemiNormal · 15/04/2017 08:51

You sound like a wonderful step parent but if you want your partner to be more involved with setting up birthdays and buying presents you should have said before now. I think your response may have made this into a bigger issue for your DSD, could you not have just covered his arse on this for her sake and said 'Oh actually your dad helped out a lot with the planning', yes it would have been a lie but it would have saved her feelings. You could have argued/discussed it with him later?

NormaSmuff · 15/04/2017 08:52

The DSD needs more from him, but not in the way of money op. she needs his love and care and attention.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/04/2017 08:52

You are paying far more than him and making far more effort. I would try to redress this balance, and make sure you pay into a pension. Go back to work after the baby is born and make sure your dp pays his share of childcare. You can't afford to be a sahp, you are too financially vulnerable and you need to look after number 1.

Therealslimshady1 · 15/04/2017 09:00

So if you ever split up in future, he has a pension and you have nothing!

Your financial planning is all over the place, this man is taking you for a ride.

He should pay HALF on all kids presents/parties/food/bills/rent at least

Good God OP, wake up! Secure your own financial future (like he is securing his)

A selfish man like this isn't going to look after you when things ever get tough

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