Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

To think I'm not normal about dtd?

301 replies

DcQuinn · 14/04/2017 23:16

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:

TheTigerWhoCame2Tea · 15/04/2017 11:00

Hi OP - I think as PP have said it's more about how evenly you're matched to your partner. It sounds like he isn't pressuring you which is great, but it sounds like it bothers you that you don't have the same level of desire as you did in the past. I'd recommend talking to him first, let him know that it is on your radar and see if there's anything the two of you can do together - enjoy each other if that makes sense and see where it goes? And see his take on it, is it possible that his desire has also dropped considerably and he's happy with the current situation? If not, and you feel it is a problem, there are a lot of things that can help you like doctors / therapists. But if you worry about it it might build up to more than it is. Some people value the intimacy in the relationship and some don't. I do, and so does my partner so we are pretty well matched, but if we were both not as bothered then that would be fine too. There isn't any right or wrong, it's just a matter of being on the same page I think?

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 11:51

Wallywobbles "DH doesn't want marathon sessions which helps!!"

Yes. Marathon sessions, yes that really would put me off too.

Blimey that is so true! I've actually realised a few things that do help get me in the mood!

I'll say to dh I want a quickie. It may turn into a longie but the idea it will be quick is appealing.

Also sex at night somtimes seems boring, like a chore at the end of the day! Sex in the morning or afternoon. or after work seems fun!

Making sure the kids are busy elsewhere definitely helps me relax, eg watching a long DVD downstairs!

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 12:03

spooky the idea a husband who could not get enough sex at home would go to a prostitute is really alarming to me. Far worse to me than an affair.

Getting sex outside a marriage (however done) seems like a way to set the self destruct button on a marriage.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 12:06

And I definitely agree the more you have the more you want/the less you have the less you want.

I think it is like that with many things, food, alcohol, exercise, TV.

DayGlo · 15/04/2017 12:09

My sex drive took a nosedive when my DCs were small.

I'm happy to report that at 40, and with the DCs older and more time to go out with DH and have fun, it is back with a vengeance and DH is finding it quite hard to keep up .

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. But do talk about it with your husband. Its important he hears how you feel about it.

GallopingMom · 15/04/2017 12:27

I'm overweight, on the pill and taking psychiatric medication. I feel unsexy, do not get aroused nearly to the level I used to, have very low level "orgasms" and penetrative sex is painful. Luckily DH doesn't have a high sex drive either and he masturbates in between. We have sex once every couple of months. Having a teenager who now goes to bed the same time we do doesn't help either.

WankingMonkey · 15/04/2017 13:41

I have no libido at all. It disappeared when my son was born nearly 3 years ago. Wouldn't be bothered if I never had sex again. I prefer sleep.

WankingMonkey · 15/04/2017 13:44

Op, I know you said you aren't using hormonal contraceptive but I can't emphasise enough to others that this can completely kill your sex drive.

Interesting, after having my son I had the implant put in. I wonder if this has something to do with my lack of want for sex..

Snugglepalace · 15/04/2017 14:09

I really think op is totally normal. My friend is a hairdresser and her clients tell her everything, most of them tell her they only have sex once a month or so and could happily go a long time without it (myself and my friend included!)

RhubarbGin · 15/04/2017 14:26

We have 11 and 9 year olds and I wouldn't care if we never had sex again so its not just new babies! We have do have sex, around twice a month, but it's something I have to gear myself up for and out some effort and thought into - I just can't be bothered generally.

user1480459555 · 15/04/2017 18:37

I don't agree that sex with the same person becomes boring. I have been married 37 years and still have a pretty healthy sex life even though I would say my sex drive is not particularly high.

The main thing is we do not have children. They seem to ne the main reason for women not wanting sex and a major reason for a relationship failing

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 18:42

I think the important thing is that it isn't wrong to not want sex. That's a perfectly valid way to feel.

However if you DO want sex but never feel like it, it's worth speaking to a GP to see if there is an issue that can be fixed

TheStoic · 15/04/2017 18:46

The amount of women who go off sex with their husbands once they've bred with them suggests biology is at play.

For some people, though, the suggestion we really are all just animals is profoundly upsetting and unacceptable.

You are probably the 'normal' one, OP.

AngelThursday · 15/04/2017 23:32

I felt like this after my DS was born (now 15) and the desire never came back. DH seemed understanding about it and when my lack of interest continued he eventually stopped asking. I presumed this meant he wasn't interested either and was content with things the way they were ie platonic relationship, good friends but no sex. However I was wrong - he did mind and sought solace in the arms of another...
I'm not saying DTD when you dont want to but please talk to your DH and don't just presume it'll all be ok like I did. Maybe seek help or think about ways to get interested again.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2017 23:51

"Sex brings so many benefits - better sleep, exercise, feeling closer, stress relief etc. etc. "

Only if you're enjoying it surely?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 16/04/2017 00:11

Interesting thread.

To everyone saying they aren't interested in sex, do you fantasize about it (celeb etc)? Do you ever think about doing it with anyone else?

dowhatnow · 16/04/2017 00:15

Nope.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 16/04/2017 00:15

Nope. Morten Harket straight from the 80s could be completely up for it and I wouldn't be bothered.
(Picture included for people who are two young to have enjoyed him at the time)

myusernameisnotmyusername · 16/04/2017 00:27

I also fancy my dp like mad and in fifteen years that hasn't wavered but if we go more than a couple of days without sex I really am not fussed. Once we have dtd though I want it again and again. I feel like we spent most of those years ttc though, first dd and now another.

diodati · 16/04/2017 01:39

I think lack of libido, as it's called, is sometimes due to a hormonal imbalance. You might want to get it checked by your GP. I felt this way too but my problem was due to boredom and a bad marriage. Please don't blame yourself, OP.

sadsquid · 16/04/2017 02:10

I haven't shagged DH since we conceived DC2, who is now 18 months old. He's up for it, it's me saying no. I felt sick and horrible and my pelvis hurt through pregnancy, and then there was the tiredness of the newborn phase, and life's been really stressful for one reason and another to the point of giving me panic attacks, and I'm still breastfeeding... all in all I just don't want to be touched. It doesn't feel good, it feels like another demand or another overwhelming piece of sensory input to hurt my brain. Our marriage was almost sexless before, apart from TTC the kids, and now it is completely.

I don't want sex but I would love to find my way back to it somehow. I remember it being fun and nice. :( I occasionally fantasise about it - sometimes with DH, sometimes other people - but in real life it could be Benedict Cumberbatch throbbing away in front of me and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. I had a plan to try masturbating as a way to get back into 'using it' without any pressure IYSWIM - thought I could kick start my libido. But I keep forgetting to do it.

shitgibbon · 16/04/2017 02:21

Sex is OK, I'd be perfectly happy if I never did it again. To me it's like any other thing, some people love it, some like it, some aren't bothered by it, some hate it, and all of those options are completely normal.

ilovechocolate07 · 16/04/2017 17:29

I'm the same. It's a combination of hormones and day to day stress. I often find that we get into the swing of things but then as soon as time of the month is around the corner I lose any form of libido.

angelfacecuti75 · 16/04/2017 17:30

I'm not that bothered if I'm honest. I'm sure it's being tired, working full time and running a household along with an adhd child who doesn't like to sleep that much.

angelfacecuti75 · 16/04/2017 17:34

And I think contraception doesn't help. But I do sort of 'force' myself and then I enjoy it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13