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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not normal about dtd?

301 replies

DcQuinn · 14/04/2017 23:16

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
whirlygirly · 15/04/2017 03:30

I honestly think the more you have, the more you want. There are days of the month where it's incredible. If you can kickstart your libido then, it's a case of keeping up momentum (sorry, sounds like a carry on film) and then making it into a habit.

With dp it's like wired for sound describes. The very best way to end the day. I miss it after a few days without.

Peanutandphoenix · 15/04/2017 03:42

I must be the only weird one on here who would happily have sex twice a day every day I must have a seriously high sex drive or am just weird compared to everyone else.

Degenerate · 15/04/2017 04:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LouKout · 15/04/2017 04:09

Degenerate it might be best if you don't get married tbh. For womankind.

LouKout · 15/04/2017 04:11

Its a womans support thread FFS. Go and bang your drum about poor menz elsewhere

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 04:13

Degenerate "Threads like this make me never want to get married." Then don't get married. It's a choice.

TheKrakenSmith · 15/04/2017 04:19

There definitely isn't a normal, and frankly it's not even anyways the women that area indifferent. I could have sex twice a day, I really fancy my husband, but he may only want it once a week.
I love him, and even though it's been months at times, I get by because there's no shortage of affection or intimacy. But my normal is no one else's normal and we need to embrace that.
And I'm sure the poor menz can deal with it, and I don't know, maybe love their wives and want to support them?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2017 04:20

Apple

Wtf are you talking about. Italian defending abusive parents?!! She is right to be affronted.

DcQuinn

I imagine it's hormonal. I have ME and my hormones are very much out of whack. I'm improving slowly. As is my sex drive, slowly. Not really well enough for sex. My poor dh. He is very patient.

summerfling · 15/04/2017 04:20

The thought of having sex again makes me a little bit anxious.

I'm single & although I'd love to meet someone, I just don't want sex.

whirlygirly · 15/04/2017 06:00

Summer - I met dp after a marriage which went wrong. Dp was so lovely, patient and never ever pushy that my feelings towards everything sex related completely changed. He is also really open and confident which helps massively as no discussion is awkward or off limits.

So try not to worry - the right person will respect your wishes - whether they include having sex or not.

Glossolalia · 15/04/2017 06:23

*Threads like this make me never want to get married. What a shitty deal for men.

Sad Oh no, please don't say that. What a shitty deal for women.

Trifleorbust · 15/04/2017 06:29

FairytalesAreBullshit:

I realise you mean well, but you are suggesting that not wanting sex is a symptom of illness (PND), which is a frustration to me. Sexual desire varies in and between people, and over time, quite naturally. Not wanting it doesn't make someone ill.

purplecoathanger · 15/04/2017 06:34

There's nothing bloody wrong with you. My ex thought it was ok to say there was something wrong with me because my sex drive didn't match his. I was very naive back then and I even went to the doctor because ex told me to. He is an ex for a very good reason.

ParentingEnnuie · 15/04/2017 06:37

Apple

I have never ever heard anyone who doesn't want frequent/any /much sex say that it is 'gross' on these threads. So you are deliberately mis-characterising an argument so you can shoot it down

Italian:

"OP you are not alone. Half the time I think sex is wildly over-rated, well about 95% of the time. Then, when I am actually having sex, with my lovely dh, I think it is great. It's getting from the I'm not interested to the I'm really enjoying it bit Now if someone could lecture us on that I would be all ears!"

That's exactly how I feel. Thinking of getting HRT patch to see if that helps

Trifleorbust · 15/04/2017 06:38

purplecoathanger:

That is dreadful but it does happen to lots of women. Even here what women hear when they say they don't want sex is often, "Have you been to your GP?" Confused

AltheaThoon · 15/04/2017 06:40

I agree with you too, op. We also have you got children, I'm breastfeeding and bed sharing. When i get half an hour to myself i find that's what i want - just time to myself without someone on me.

I live in hope it will improve.

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2017 06:56

I stopped using any hormonal contraceptives. So copper coil, which helps. Erotic literature helps get me in the mood.

I think once you start saying no (internal voice) it's very difficult to go back to yes. Im sure it's a very non MN view, but I enjoy it, (could do it much less) but I like the closeness and I definitely want to avoid the no frame of mind. DH doesn't want marathon sessions which helps!! That really would put me off.

frumpet · 15/04/2017 07:07

I haven't had sex for years , about 4 if memory serves me right . My libido is non existant . I cannot imagine ever having sex again . It is my problem , it is because I am disgusted by my own body .

Degenerate I am not sure if anyone should get married if they believe that nothing will ever change in a relationship for whatever reason . I think honesty is probably the best policy , if not having sex is a deal breaker for you , then you need to let prospective partners know this early on . It may mean that you have slimmer pickings but it will also mean that you end up with someone who understands your motivation and key priorities in a relationship .

purplecoathanger · 15/04/2017 07:13

Yes Trifle and I had three children under five, two of which were bad sleepers and they all had asthma and I was completely knackered from three pregnancies and breastfeeding!

ParentingEnnuie · 15/04/2017 07:14

Wallywobbles

"I think once you start saying NO (internal voice) it's difficult to get back to saying yes"

I agree. It becomes no-essential at best, another chore at worst. I even feel embarrassed and silly to try and slot it into our life after big gaps. I think use it or lose it is a factor, but I also think hormonal factors mean that you don't get that 'surge' of enthusiasm to instigate. Which is where medical factors do play a part.

picklemepopcorn · 15/04/2017 07:15

I'm quite relieved degenerate is never getting married. Hopefully that will protect some gullible/vulnerable women from his misogyny.

I don't think there is anything wrong with suggesting going to the GP if you are unhappy with your sex drive. Sometimes there are underling issues which can be corrected.

ParentingEnnuie · 15/04/2017 07:18

BTW I agree that, for those with young children, sex comes low down for a good variety of reasons - practical and psychological. And you should never be made to feel bad about that.

But for those of us in long, happy marriages, whose children are older and not making the same demands on us, we do want to be having more sex but don't know how to go about it.

NotYoda · 15/04/2017 07:23

Can we ask for this thread to be moved? AIBU attracts trolls or occasional angry people

Msqueen33 · 15/04/2017 07:35

Thanks for posting this. I have three kids between 9 and 4 but my youngest two have disabilities. I'm a sahm for them and feel like my sex drive has gone on holiday far far away and won't even send a postcard. I've been feeling like I'm a freak not wanting sex but to be honest it comes very low down the list and my dh falls asleep on the sofa most nights. It's just not up there at the moment.

Miniwookie · 15/04/2017 07:36

I'm not bothered either, but I make the effort for my DH. I never feel pressured by him, but just think it must feel shit to be rejected all the time so don't want to do that to him. It depends how you feel about the sex though. When I was breastfeeding my twins I couldn't bear being touched at all so we didn't do it for nearly a year and he was patient, but now it's different. I don't particular fancy it, but once we get going it's fine.