To think I'm not normal about dtd?

[DcQuinn]

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

I've always heard that a woman's sexual organs are a muscle, the more you use it the better/more we want it. If we don't use it often/at all then we I suppose 'lose it'. I feel like that at the moment too, I'm pregnant and feel like that if we have sex we might damage the baby (had bad experience with my last pregnancy and don't want to do anything that might cause harm) so my dh is being very patient and waiting but I feel bad too. I fancy him very much and can't wait to feel I can be intimate with him again. Maybe watch some racy films as this helps me/us.

It is a fact that there are people who are asexual. Its difficult to get accurate figures as it is probably under reported. It is only a problem if you are in a relationship with someone who is not asexual and finds life with minimal or no sex difficult,
My XH's asexuality 'emerged' after a couple of years of marriage. I was desperately unhappy and it did a lot of damage to my self esteem until I understood the difficulty. He wouldn't talk or try to change anything. I lasted 15 years without any sex and we divorced four years ago. I am now very happy with my DP and still friends with my XH.

I must be the only weird one on here who would happily have sex twice a day every day I must have a seriously high sex drive or am just weird compared to everyone else

You are not weird. I am the same, we have just posted on a thread with many people who(at the moment) are not that bothered.

I think that a loss of desire often accompanies a long relationship, sadly. Familiarity can bring boredom - not that you want to do anything illegal or just plain silly - just a lack of interest in sex generally.
Looking after young children saps your energy and let's not forget our hormones which ebb and flow.

There is no "normal" when it comes to sex drives, even for individual women. I was a twice-a-day women before the children came along but I had 2 pregnancies in 2 years, both children were breastfed for 18 months, neither slept much at all until about their second birthdays and the delivery of my second very nearly killed me. I was exhasted, incredibly busy (I work full time) and traumatised as was my husband - we just ran out of time and energy for each other. But was talked, and we were both ok with the situation and reasonably happy it would only be temporary. The kids are coming up to 5 and 3 now and we're getting back to normal slowly! We have more time for each other now and I'm not giving so much if myself to my babies.
These threads wind me up a bit - not all men are sex-obsessed who need regular shags to stop them "going elsewhere" and not all women "would prefer a cuppa". We're all somewhere on a spectrum and shift about on that spectrum all the time depending on what's going on in our lives - men too. Talking to the person you have sex with, parent children with and share a house/life with is always a good idea, even about sex......

I've never had a high drive. Before DCs, I frequently found it uncomfortable and probably not helped by years of hormonal contraceptives to manage painful periods. The romance of the moment was inevitably quelled by instructions like "get a pillow" "ooh, try over there"

The DCs are a little bigger now, but the younger one is still very huggy and liable to sneaking in with us at random times. We're not exhausted and sleep deprived, but with him being a low sleep child who doesn't reliably go to sleep at a sensible time, and likely to interrupt us, he's a bit of a libido killer for both of us. We also both enjoy our moments of having personal space!

We're both happy together and have been together for many years.

If I don't like sex, I don't have to make it "bad" in order to make myself feel better. (hi Ivy waves ).

I'm not exactly sure what this is meant to mean. Sex is great, I do like it, and I have enjoyed it. However, at this point in my life I can quite happliy live without it for a few months at a time.
What really annoys me is that other people can't handle the fact that some people don't like it as much as them and feel the need to make comments about you doing it wrong or that your relationship will collapse.

I'm not making it 'bad', whatever that is meant to mean. I just want other people to understand that just because I don't like something as much as them then it doesn't make me wrong, just different.

Interesting that this thread occurred today - DH and I had sex for the first time in a month and a half. In the part of the world that we live in, the weather has finally improved to the point where it was dry and sunny all day and a few degrees warmer - I swear my libido is strongly influenced by the general temperature levels and sunshine (I have wondered if vitamin D levels are implicated in regulating our libidos for a while now). We don't even have DC yet but we both work long hours and as I mentioned, the cold dark winter months just kill my desire for sex.

It doesn't help that DH snores and it's not uncommon that I sleep in the spare room due to this, (he is under 35, not overweight but has a clearly deviated septum from a broken nose that was not set very well in childhood). DH is wonderful, he probably does want sex more often than I'm in the mood for but he is very much on the same page as me.

One thing we do well is to be open and honest about our sexual needs and be honest about our level of interest at a given point in time, hence we both know well what the winter months tend to do to each other's libidos.

Tbh I'm not that fussed on sex. I quite enjoy it when I have it but have never been mad for it. Luckily DH doesn't have a massive drive either so we potter along happily. We have phases of a few times a week, and then nothing for a few months. We love each other very much and I'm sure we fancy each other!

Yabu. No one should have sex that they don't want. If you're both happy then there isn't an issue.

Sorry - I meant yanbu.

Op, I know you said you aren't using hormonal contraceptive but I can't emphasise enough to others that this can completely kill your sex drive. I so regret spending my 20s and early 30s using it and had no sex drive. The family planning clinic gave me no other options and were really forceful in giving me the pill. I was naive. The effect on sex drive was never, ever mentioned. In the years since stopping hormonal contraception I have a sex drive and my relationship with my husband has completely changed. (We were happy before, but frequent sex has added something for us). Generally speaking, the more effort you put in, the more you get out of it. I quickly forget about sex if I don't keep having it! I find it's a bit like exercise, I have to get back into it and then really want to do it regularly.

Another it's nice when it happens but can't be bothered most of the time, person.

I've found that the only time I want sex is around my fertile times. I think we dtd twice all the time I was pregnant. Ds is now 11 weeks and my periods haven't returned yet I've not been in the mood at all.

I have never felt a need or drive for sex and could happily not have it for the rest of my life, but when I do have it I love it. It's a weird thing! I make the effort to get in the right mindset and make some time before sleep and really enjoy it, and the more regularly I have it the more I want it. It's like others have said, it's getting to the point of sex that is the difficult thing as there is so much else going on in life and we don't have testosterone pushing us. Me and DP have to make a special effort as we live in a one bed flat with a toddler and baby!

There's nothing wrong with any amount of sex as long as both people agree. It's not fair to make someone live without sex at all. It sounds like you want to want it OP.. it's just about making a bit of time, clearing your mind of distractions and think sexy thoughts.

Also... after the punting forum stuff a few weeks ago, I was curious and started reading the posts from men who use prostitutes.. a lot of what they said is "the wife just doesn't want it anymore, she thinks I'm okay with this but I still want sex, so doing this means I get my needs met and she doesn't get nagged for it" They see it as a positive for wives who don't want sex anymore, as if they're doing them a favour. Yuck! Just something to be aware of for those who think their partners are okay with no sex.

I think part of the reason for me is the mini pill, unfortunately I have problems with every other form and my gp wants me on it as I don't have a period without it.
Another reason is I found it so painful during pregnancy I would Burst into tears, I think I associate it with that now.
I think sometimes aswell it's a planned event rather than spontaneous. With us anyway, Dh will ask and I'll say not tonight, what about Friday when the kids are out? Or something along those lines. Not exactly romantic.

I think that it's very common for people, especially women, to be uninterested in sex. I could quite happily live without sex, I just don't feel the desire for it. I find it really frustrating reading about lack of sex drive, because it is always portrayed as a problem that needs to be overcome, a weird or unusual attitude. My DH has at times made it clear that he thinks there is something 'wrong' with me that needs fixing. I've seen the view expressed hundreds of times that sex/intimacy is necessary in a relationship, it brings partners together etc etc. That view just doesn't ring true for me though. I love my DH, my feelings for him are the same regardless of how often we shag. I wish there was more of an acknowledgement that actually, sex isn't always some magical thing, it means different things to different people and for some it can be a pretty meaningless activity.

I think people do just have different sex drives and there is nothing wrong with that per se. It can be tough if there is a major mismatch though.

I was the one with the higher sex drive and my DH had almost no libido. It was one of the catalysts for our separation, in the end.

With that said, I am sure we would have stayed together anyhow if we had been able to have children together (it was a real source of sadness that we couldn't). If you get on well together in terms of life priorities and how you like to live, and you have a happy family, then I can see that the sex might not matter quite as much.

Don't be hard on yourself it's definitely not your fault, nobody is to blame but maybe consider having an honest conversation about it so you can keep communication lines open? Also, are you still tactile together, do you cuddle/hug/kiss etc? Those things are just as important as ways of showing love and affection, as are kind words and actions.

I still have a high sex drive after one child, but to be honest I'm also curious about how it will change after a second child (16 weeks pregnant now). Kids can make you feel pretty 'touched out'!

A lot of responses that make me feel I'm definitely not alone! Thank you! I did start to wonder if it was PND but i have a lot of interests in other things, just not sex. Which really does frustrate me. Maybe i should visit GP to see, as i said, DH is great and has never moaned or pressured me at all. A couple of comments on here made me feel shit but i suppose i expected a few like that, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But a lot of positive ones too so thank you

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not alone about this. I just wish i knew what my problem is?! - Why do you assume there is a problem? People have varying sex drives, levels of sexual attraction, some people like sex some people don't - just like any activity I guess. I wouldn't force myself to like sushi just because everyone else does so I'm not going to force myself to like sex. That said I'm asexual, I don't experience sexual attraction, though I do experience other attractions to people. I haven't had sex in about 4 years and I've never felt happier without the constant pressure of feeling I 'must' be a sexual person or there is something wrong with me.

Oh and i stopped breastfeeding around 8 weeks as i wasn't producing enough to keep up. So its not that!

My drive didn't change at all after dc.The only time it's an issue in a relationship is when it's totally mismatched. Whenever there are threads like this and from limited chat with friends it almost always is the woman that isn't bothered and the man is.

I also wonder how much parental attitudes influence. My Mother was very open about sex, she has 6 children but was very much it should be for pleasure and feeling close.

You have little ones so I don't think it's unusual that you aren't in the mood, having to plan intimacy around nap times or spontaneous moments interrupted by dc crying doesn't exactly make for the most fulfilling sex life.

I find that the more sex we have, the more I want, I can go weeks without being too bothered then we will dtd 3 times in a day then nothing for a while again. It does feel strange not really wanting it anymore on the same way that I used to, be thankful that you have a DP who doesn't pester and nag about lack of sex! Because that kills any desire that was there stone dead in my experience. The time will come when you feel like it again, probably once the drudgery of toddlers and babies has passed. And if it doesn't, if you and your partner aren't bothered it doesn't need to be an issue, everyone has differing libidos and it is finding the balance between the two people in a partnership that matters in terms of harmonious living.