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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not normal about dtd?

301 replies

DcQuinn · 14/04/2017 23:16

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
ByeByeBadman · 15/04/2017 00:01

Some men don't want sex super frequently though. Does your dh?

ApplePaltrow21 · 15/04/2017 00:08

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea

eye roll

Look, these threads pop up a lot and if you want to be patted on the back and told that you are right then you are right Sex is gross. TV is way better. don't know what all the fuss is about. men are pigs. blah blah blah.

It doesn't really matter. No one's DH is a slave. If he's happy with it, he'll stay. If he isn't, eventually the marriage will crumble or he'll leave. You treat people with disrespect and eventually they'll find a way to pay you back. And if he does, you can come to mumsnet and write some one sided account about how great your marriage was and how evil he became and everyone will sympathize and tell you he's a bastard.

But you'll still be alone.

Original poster
DcQuinn · 15/04/2017 00:08

He does ask "are u up for it tonight" but there is no pressure if i say no. He doesn't go on, and that is why i feel bad. He could be a complete twat about it but he isn't. So i feel bad because i know he really wants it, but he is great to be fair

OP posts:
Bambooshoot · 15/04/2017 00:09

I can't see that you are in any way unusual, given that having sex with the same person for many years does get boring. There is nothing wrong with you. A lot of the time exciting sex is all about the shiny and new, unfortunately.

Original poster
DcQuinn · 15/04/2017 00:16

I just wanted to know of other people out there felt like I do apple, dh is the perfect person i know , it is myself with the problem

OP posts:
IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 15/04/2017 00:17

There we go, I've been told I'm wrong.
Thanks for that Apple.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 15/04/2017 00:19

Oh, and FYI Apple DH is also happy with the amount of sex we have. My marriage is not 'crumbling' and he can't see what all the fuss is about either.
But there we go. You judge away on a relationship between two people you've never met.

AmysTiara · 15/04/2017 00:23

Bloody hell Apple. Bit harsh Confused

I feel the same as you op.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 00:25

Apple how fascinating.

OP you are not alone. Half the time I think sex is wildly over-rated, well about 95% of the time. Then, when I am actually having sex, with my lovely dh, I think it is great. It's getting from the I'm not interested to the I'm really enjoying it bit.

Now if someone could lecture us on that I would be all ears!

holidaysaregreat · 15/04/2017 00:35

I feel same as highmaintenance
Turns out DH not happy so trying to make an effort.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2017 00:40

I have been celibate for 16 years...

Insomnibrat · 15/04/2017 00:47

I'm the same. I'm 35 and single, not had sex for 3yrs and haven't been looking for it either.
I've even a low libido in a relationship although I suspect that is a consequence of being pressured for it in the past and all the associated feelings of guilt, being used, forced to etc.

Holowiwi · 15/04/2017 00:52

To be fair ivy she said if he is happy he will stay. She didn't attribute either scenario to your relationship.

Ultimately OP you will need to speak to your partner he might be happy he might not be depending on how he feels about this situation will help you decide how best to move forward.

highinthesky · 15/04/2017 00:54

Another one who could happily go without for the rest of my life. The thought of being bothered all the time by random boners...just no!

peachgreen · 15/04/2017 01:05

I don't believe that all men want sex all the time - especially as they get older. I think men's libidos wax and wane just as women's do. But I do think sexual intimacy - whatever form that takes - is an important part of a healthy marriage/long-term relationship. It's about making that work in your current circumstances as a couple. E.g. When I was pregnant I could not be bothered AT ALL and my DH had gone into mad protective mode and just wanted to take care of me so he wasn't really feeling it either. But after six weeks or so we realised that we weren't feeling as close and connected as usual. Started making more of an effort to be intimate - not always full penetrative sex, but sexual intimacy - and it made a huge, huge difference. We've both worked to make the effort ever since, even if we're not necessarily instantly in the mood, and our sex life is better than ever, no matter if it's every night or once a week. It helps keep us connected as a couple. Plus it's a massive stress reliever!

Wiredforsound · 15/04/2017 01:06

The way we are taught about sex in the UK is wholly inadequate. Sex brings so many benefits - better sleep, exercise, feeling closer, stress relief etc. etc. Regular sex with your partner should be the default. It shouldn't be the 'add on'; the thing that can be ditched in favour of loading the washing machine, or messing about on Facebook. In an ideal world it's the thing you should be looking forward to at the end of a busy day - the chance to reconnect, to enjoy each other, and to constantly remind youself that this one person is 'special' and 'yours'. Intimacy is a powerful glue, skin on skin contact has well documented benefits, and helps people feel secure, loved and appreciated. The few years after having kids are a real test, but swapping Question Time or Eastenders for a shag brings real benefits. I'm not saying there aren't peaks and troughs, but both partners should know that they are still partners and lovers, and not just parents or flat mates.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 15/04/2017 01:08

Apple you sound nice, bet you get tons of offers with your lovely personality.

Anyhoo, as a slightly more middle aged woman, when our DCs were very small our sex life was crap, almost non-existent, I was mauled by small children all day every day, and I BF until my youngest DC was three, there wasn't much going on, physically and hormonally it wasn't happening.

However, as the DC have got older, our sex life is right back up there, very, very good. Really good. Better than ever.

So it may just be a time situation.

ApplePaltrow21 · 15/04/2017 02:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 02:30

Wiredforsound you make sex sound so great and so fun. It's a shame it just isn't really like that for some of us!

Apple I've no idea what your last post means but it sounds offensive and like a personal attack on me.

Trifleorbust · 15/04/2017 02:31

I think it is totally normal to not want sex. Sometimes I want it, other times not. I don't accept that not wanting it makes me ill or weird or anything. It's my body. If I don't want anyone to touch me it isn't strange.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 02:33

wired but it is nice for you if it is like that for you.

Agree with trifle.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 15/04/2017 02:44

Another person here who was quite active when younger, but I don't feel I need it, or that I really want it either.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2017 02:52

I think it is good for women on here to realize that there is no 'normal' in that one size for all when it comes to sex. Maybe some women want lots of sex, and some don't. Realizing that there are others who feel like us is quite helpful, I think.

apple I am really quite angered by your comment, I've got no idea what you are talking about and wonder if you have got me confused with someone else! All I said in response to your comments was 'how fascinating.'

FairytalesAreBullshit · 15/04/2017 02:58

Also you have a young baby, bear that in mind that you're not that far postpartum. Do you think you could have a touch of PND with how you feel?

You said about not using contraceptives, although you haven't said if you're BF, but could it be you get pregnant easily and don't want another baby but don't have time to figure out which contraceptive is best, if you've had a bad reaction before. Massive assumption, but it's a possibility.

I would talk to him about how you're feeling, he would likely say you've not long had a baby, I know we're not going to be like rabid teenagers. Don't feel bad about it. It might put your mind at rest.

Also because you're not overly up for it isn't an excuse for him to go looking elsewhere. You're still you, the woman he fell in love with, the mother of his DC's. I think we forget the state we look in the morning, most men strangely prefer the natural morning look to being all pristine.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Framboise18 · 15/04/2017 03:15

Am so glad you posted this it's been bumming my mind for a few weeks.. Year into our relationship and I just don't feel the urge. I don't know whether it's because I've got an implant or because I have put on 15kg in the space of 3 months. Lol