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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
Bestthingever · 14/04/2017 19:52

YANBU I have noticed the same thing. I can snap at my kids, I'm no angel, but some people can be down right nasty. It can have a really deep impact on kids. I used to work with a child with behavioural problems and zero self esteem. His mum used to say horrible things to him and I reckon that was part of the source of his problems.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/04/2017 19:53

If a child is having meltdowns at your school, you can go home, I have it 24/7.

Frouby · 14/04/2017 19:53

Yanbu OP. Fuck that 'It's just a snapshot' bollocks. They wouldn't speak to another adult in that way unless they have some seriously dysfunctional relationships going on. So why is it ok to speak to their dcs like that?

Littlecaf · 14/04/2017 19:53

However saying "shut the fuck up" or threatening to smack is wrong.

Saying "please be quiet" or "please stop whinging, it's really annoying/I'm trying to concentrate" is fine.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 14/04/2017 19:55

Thing is though, some of us have a shorter fuse than others. We do our best, but we're going to run out of patience faster than others. Doesn't mean we're not acing other aspects of parenting. For example, I bow to no one in my bedtime story and lullaby abilities.

I'm not advocating actually physical or verbal abuse of course; just making the point that some of us find certain aspects of parenting harder than others.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2017 19:56

I agree op and I don't agree with the mindset of "i will speak to my child like he or she is a piece of shit and in a way I would never personally be tolerated being spoken to but it's ok as they know I love them"

Total bullishit. Ask the same people if it's ok if their partner tells them to shut up or talks to them the same way and it's a big no and he's being abusive.

We have all heard parents do this and it reflects badly on the parent and is terrible for the child. Partner to partner, parent to child, it's all abuse,,

Ackvavit · 14/04/2017 19:57

Asda is my nemesis for this. Great shop but at odd times the way people interact with their children is eye opening. If you are annoyed with your child telling them in an aggressive manner using aggressive language doesn't really get the message across. I also hate parents referring to sons and daughters as ' mate' or 'princess'.

RedBugMug · 14/04/2017 20:01

yanbu
I hate to hear that to. especially if it's normal small child behaviour that is commented on with swear words.

Booshbeesh · 14/04/2017 20:01

Iv actually heard word for word walking into skl at 8.40am a mum say to her 3 yr old son on a scooter - next to the road - when he fell off -into the road- " get the fuck up you are an actual cunt sometimes" ... the kid was crying hurt and got pulled up by his arm and his scooter dragged along with him into the skl.

SoloDance · 14/04/2017 20:03

Yeah all the child abusers shop in Asda.

kali110 · 14/04/2017 20:04

Telling a child to shut up is hardly abusive!
'Stop asking me for stuff you're doing my nut in' can understand a stressed parent if they've been asked repeatedly!
Swearing at getting in your childs face abusive, but not even telling them to sshh Confused
I've had three DC. I now have two DGC. I have NEVER spoken to them rudely. As a former teacher, can I ask all those posters who think it's ok to tell children to shut up etc how they'd feel if teachers spoke to their children that way?
Wouldn't bother me if they'd been talking and told to stop!
Didn't realise teachers weren't allowed to tell kids to shut up anymore.

kali110 · 14/04/2017 20:04

Booshbeesh now that's awful!

Toysaurus · 14/04/2017 20:06

I told my (ASD) 10 year old to shut up and say nothing and don't talk to me in Marks yesterday. I bet everyone heard that and judged but didn't see when he stressed out because I had to buy him a school trousers and slapped me so hard it brought tears to my eyes and left a hand print that was still there three hours later.

Elendon · 14/04/2017 20:07

The worst parental behaviour I've witnessed was in a Waitrose. The little lad, dressed in Boden, screamed 'You hurt me dad!' His sister just stood by looking vacant. The father did seem to pull him roughly.

kali110 · 14/04/2017 20:07

toy sounds like you had a really stressful day!

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 20:09

Maybe if we could all afford to send out kids to nursery while we went shopping they wouldn't get on our wick so much my son doesn't go top nursery and has been babysat possibly a total of 5 times in 2 years. I still manage nor to talk to my son like he's shit which is how many people do.

For those saying its a snap shot of course it is. In sure people make judgments when I'm on the bus with the 2 yo and he's got a big crunchie chocolate in his hands eating it - I'm sure people judge. However when you walk through a shop or town and every other parent speaks down or aggresslively to their child, its less likely everyone is having a rare one day off

RedBugMug · 14/04/2017 20:13

if people talk to their dc like shit that in public I wonder what they talk like in private...

Toysaurus · 14/04/2017 20:15

Kali, every day is so stressful. Having to stay calm at all times is very difficult. Sometimes I get it wrong other times I think I should have a medal Wink

Two weeks ago I was in town parenting a meltdown quite badly when a lady passing told me she thought I was doing a wonderful job. At that point it meant a lot.

UppityHumpty · 14/04/2017 20:16

I agree OP. Then the kids imitate their parents and tell others to shut up & the cycle continues.

kali110 · 14/04/2017 20:17

I wouldn't feel bad, no matter what is said on here, that can not be easy! You're not perfect, nobody is!

Naturebabe · 14/04/2017 20:20

We've all lost our shit. We are mostly all doing the best we can. Are you beyond reproach op? Never lost your temper, ever?

HeeHighls · 14/04/2017 20:20

Perhaps start to refer to your own as children/son/daughter.
Other people may have kids, my own was always my child or my daughter.
I would never refer to her as a "kid". And unless you want to hear your child shouting "Oh my God" then stop saying it.

Children copy. That's a fact, so only say or do what you'd wish your chlidren to repeat.

QueenOlivine · 14/04/2017 20:23

I do think it depends how it's said - I sometimes say leave me alone, when I have asked kids 1,000 times to let me get the washing done etc. and they keep asking for snacks or telling on each other. And "Stop asking me for stuff, you're doing my nut in" is something I can imagine saying - but my kids are a bit older and I'd be saying this in a kind of comedy "aaaarrggghh I can't take it any more" kind of way which would make them laugh.

(I do try not to say shut up though, and I've apologised the couple of times I have.)

I admit that as I'm very introverted and crave time alone and being able to be productive, I do get frayed during the holidays. But also I think (/hope!) the context matters too - if your kids know you love them, you're generally supportive, caring and listen to them etc. then they can handle you having an occasional "aaarrgh" moment.

Tisapity "She's never had an unvoiced thought and her internal monologue isn't." :o Brilliantly put and I feel your pain! My two DC are both like this. I've sometimes had to shout simply to be heard above the constant blethering because I needed to tell them something important, like there's a car coming. I can't get a word in edgeways.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/04/2017 20:24

Wow Frouby, you have never tripped up as a parent then, or let your halo slide Hmm.

Rainydayspending · 14/04/2017 20:24

Of course. It's every other parent Hmm. Noone is possibly managing it as well as you. Obviously.
I have had to ask my child to shut up before (distracting me singing the same lyric continually in a car on a rainy motorway springs to mind) because my requests and pleas and taking away her toy she was singing to failed. Please do tell me what I should have done instead? As these off days are apparently just lies according to you and I can't hear enough what a shit parent someone thinks I am for enforcing boundaries about irritating and antisocial behaviour that needs to stop if they're going to develop proper friendships as they grow towards adulthood.