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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 14/04/2017 19:14

TisaPity I have a 'Narrator' too. The 'For the love of God will you just shut up?!' escapes me every so often...

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 14/04/2017 19:15

YANBU but bad behaviour by parents is usually excused on MN as being a one off on a bad day.

The way some people treat others in public means they think it's acceptable so goodness knows what goes on when people can't see.

SilverDragonfly1 · 14/04/2017 19:16

This snapshot thing is so silly. If you only see a few seconds of someone's day and they are spending those seconds verbally abusing or physically assaulting small children, there is no chance at all that person in a fantastic parent for the entire rest of the day. Even if they were, it wouldn't negate the damage done in those few seconds.

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2017 19:16

Momma you've added in a bit there - I actually think "go away and find something to do, stop nagging me" is fine. But you've added in "that you don't like them" - very different.

I also think that if a child is being annoying, they probably need to be told - again, doesn't mean I have anything other than love and respect for my children (or anyone else's actually!)

DJBaggySmalls · 14/04/2017 19:16

YANBU. There are better ways to handle children than by making them think they are an unwanted nuisance.

Orthanc · 14/04/2017 19:17

"bad behaviour by parents is usually excused on MN as being a one off on a bad day."

This! I do wonder if some people just never leave the Naice Places. There's some horrid treatment of kids out there and if they can do that much in public, they can do worse in private.

Smartiepants79 · 14/04/2017 19:17

None of the things you've given as examples are all THAT awful in my opinion. I would have changed 'you're annoying' to you're being annoying' and I wouldn't tell mine to shut up, but I know I've felt the need to tell my 2 to stop asking/whining/whinging on many occaisions. When they're on the 13th thing they've asked for in the space of 15 minutes it does get very annoying.
I am often shocked by the way parents talk to their children but that usually involves swearing and threats.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2017 19:18

"There's always one hmm"

Was that aimed at me? My neighbours call their toddlers cunts. I'm sorry that I think that's even worse than 'shut up'.

I do realise, though, that it doesn't have the same strength it would for me. If people swear all the time, then I suppose it loses its power.

Cantusethatname · 14/04/2017 19:18

Everyone gets snappy and frustrated. Everyone says things they don't mean. Everyone whose ever had a young child has reached the end of their tether and shouted. I definitely have.
But I read this as the OP referring to that horrible kind of snarl that you sometimes hear, the snarly voice and horrible language that puts the child down, makes the child feel worthless, makes everyone listening cringe, and probably stores up all kinds of problems for the future.

Chottie · 14/04/2017 19:18

OP, I totally agree with you, I hate hearing this too.

Original poster
IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 19:19

You're spot on, cantusethatname

I have heard plenty of examples of screaming and swearing too, but I know I'm not being unreasonable re those.

OP posts:
splendide · 14/04/2017 19:20

I do know what you mean, you Di hear people speaking really unkindly to their children.

Screwinthetuna · 14/04/2017 19:21

I don't think those things you heard are nasty...I was ready to read that you had heard, 'fuckin' shut up otherwise you are getting a smack' or 'I will fuckin' give you something to cry about if you don't stop winging.'
You only have one child, they're young and aren't cheeky to you yet. You need to toughen up a bit, not everyone is a 'perfect' parent and telling your child they're being annoying isn't exactly abusive

Penhacked · 14/04/2017 19:22

Trouble is, I am generally fairly gentle in my.parenting, try to keep my sighs internalised etc. But not everyone at school is so, DS is now 5 and his teacher held his chin and told him he needed to look her in the eye when she was talking to him. He took it as physical abuse and was crying when I picked him up. Maybe I would have been better to have toughened him up for a tough world.Sad

CoolCarrie · 14/04/2017 19:23

I heard a 'man ' say to an around 3 year old wee girl, ' shut the fuck up' this was in the street and they were just along side of me. I looked at him and said 'how can you speak to a child like that? How nasty are you? , he was embarrassed that I had heard him.
It is shocking the way some people behave and speak to others, especially little children. What example are they showing to the children?

Witchend · 14/04/2017 19:23

Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in"

I don't use that expression but I defy you to remain calm and gentle when you've been asked for 10 things, all of which are not needed and the sort of thing they get home and never use again, in each one of 10 shops. I often say to one of mine before we go inside "please do not ask me for anything from here. We are only buying XX"
Within 10 seconds of being in the shop she will have asked for three different things...
My response tends to be a little frustrated.
She's not tiny btw, into teens now, but she lives by the motto "don't ask, don't get".

Caprianna · 14/04/2017 19:24

I agree with you OP. I used to shop in ASDA but now avoid it as it seems to attract this type of people. Poor childrenSad

Aeroflotgirl · 14/04/2017 19:24

Yabvu, kids can really push you to the edge, especially when you have a child with SN. Those example sound average tbh, not ideal, but mabey mum is having a bad day.

user1471545174 · 14/04/2017 19:26

YANBU OP, I hate hearing it and seeing how crushed the children are by it. It's possible to discipline kids without abusing them.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 14/04/2017 19:27

I think PPs need to stop patronising the OP with the whole 'you only have one dc, you wait until you have more kids' thing. If she/he is the kind of person who believes talking in that way to children, however many and whatever age, is not acceptable then good for her/him. Having more than one child does not give anyone a free pass to be disrespectful and nasty to their children.

TinselTwins · 14/04/2017 19:27

OP = a one child wonder who's not got to any of the really difficult stages yet, it's okay, she'll eat her words in time

We were all smug one child wonders who knew it all once Wink

motherofdaemons · 14/04/2017 19:31

Personally I think 'stop asking me for stuff, it's doing my nut in', is perfectly fine! I've said similar (half joking but half not) myself. How is that abusive?

RoganJosh · 14/04/2017 19:32

I do see what you mean, but you do come across as a bit self satisfied when you say 'I resist the urge to tell her "shhh"'.

kateandme · 14/04/2017 19:34

AGREE!and then you see how the child will talk and react to people in the future.so sad

nuttyknitter · 14/04/2017 19:34

I've had three DC. I now have two DGC. I have NEVER spoken to them rudely. As a former teacher, can I ask all those posters who think it's ok to tell children to shut up etc how they'd feel if teachers spoke to their children that way? It's never acceptable.