To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

[IndiaGrace]

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

I totally agree with you OP. It's awful when you hear parents behaving so aggressively towards young children. I have a 2 year old and a 10 year old and have never told them to 'shut up' or that 'they're doing my nut in'. i wouldn't speak to anyone like that actually, least of all my children.

I have read all the comments as I have found this thread interesting. Initially I whole heartedly agreed with your observation OP and felt the same. I can honestly say I have never found my child annoying or even felt close to telling her to shut up. My partner and I treat her with respect and in place of shut up would just ask her if she would mind giving me a moment to concentrate etc. But on the other hand, she has found being told off at school very stressful and upsetting because we never tell her off or raise our voices so it has made me wonder if we are wrapping her up in cotton wool a little bit too much. Also, reading all the comments from people who do tell their kids to shut up from time to time but still love them and do lots of fun things with them etc has made me open my mind a bit. It is probably the tone and manner in which it is said that makes all the difference. If you said 'please be quiet' in a really nasty intimidating voice, then that could be worse than just casually saying shut up in a slightly exasperated way. So overall, I think being rude and unkind to your children is definitely wrong and unnecessary, but I think parenting styles can vary and there is a bigger picture that needs to be taken into account.

" hate hate hate it when people say "if they do that in public what happens at home?".
Do you really believe i change my parenting or move goal posts depending on where i am? That I care more about you(general public) than my child's behaviour and what goes or what doesn't? What you see is what you get regardless of location and DD knows that the same rules apply. "

One of my neighbours who is an aggressive parent behaves differently when the other parent is at home so it may not be the case for you, but it is for some.

If my dp went on at me all day and wouldnt take no for an answer i think id say worse than shut up.

Mt neighbour is the most calm laid back mother of four you would ever meet while out and about but when home she never stops shouting. So a snapshot of someones life is not enough to judge them.

Hey I must say I 100% Agree with India!!! I've often say the same thing to my boyfriend! To be fair I actually work in a shop and do see the same people day in day out coming in and talking to there kids like s*t. There used to be a lady who came in daily with about 5 kids all varying ages (pram to maybe 9), ok I can understand she must of been stressed with 5 children BUT she was horrid! We would all try and avoid serving her she was forever swearing and ranting and raving at her kids I heard her call one of her younger ones a ing c now this is in public she should be ashamed of herself! A older male in the queue actually told her off once! She was also quite heavily pregnant and stood outside smoking! I do hear it all the time at work tho working in retail you see everything. I do understand it is only a snapshot but I am seeing people day in day out cus they are regular customers! I can get stressed going supermarket shopping with my 3 year old constantly running off but I wouldn't shout n scream n swear n call my kid a **t !

YANBU
So many excuses about a bad day and short fuse.
If a burly man stepped on that parents toes or something , they would not shout abuse at them because they know they would get their teeth punched out. Nor would they say anything to a demanding colleague or boss as they would get a disciplinary or get fired.
It's adults bullying children cause they know they can get away with it. Simple

So many perfect parents spouting smug nonsense.

@Rowenag if it helps i tell DD off and she still gets upset when she gets in trouble at school. Thankfully that means she rarely gets told off. Once was because she was talking to her IMAGINARY friends.
Try and tackle that one.

If a burly man stepped on that parents toes or something , they would not shout abuse at them because they know they would get their teeth punched out.

I wouldn't be too sure of that tbh, if that burly man had followed someone around all day trying to step on their toes...maybe throw in a bit of wailing and grabbing...then I think there is a large chance the majority would snap eventually despite the size of him.

I do try to speak kindly to my children at all times, and am regularly gobsmacked by some awful things I hear people say to kids.

But - my DS2 is so... exuberant... and loud, plus he just doesn't listen often when I ask him quietly and calmly to pipe down. Sometimes nothing short of 'will you STOP talking I cannot hear myself think!' or if it's really bad 'Shut uppppp! will work. No doubt I will be judged for that, but I challenge anyone to take this boy shopping for an hour and see if they can bit their tongue (he is adorable too)!

I do not call him horrible names or tell him to shut the fuck up like many parents I've heard though. I once had a taxi driver commenting how lovely it was to listen to me chatting away with him in the back. He said most parents tended to get in, ignore their child and hiss 'shut the fuck up you fucking little shit' or similar if the poor kid ever opened their mouth. That made me feel sad as I have the best chats with my kids, they are fascinating company (usually!)

You are not being unreasonable. I have overheard a mother telling her very young child he was a fucking retard because he could not put his shoes on properly. She was constantly swearing at him. I actually wanted to say something to her because it was painful to listen to. Rough area or not, You don't talk to children like that.

Wow, we've made some massive leaps from the examples given in the OP - from "exasperated parent" to actually abusive ones.

I classed myself as a "short-fuse" parent because I don't have as much patience as I should and sometimes I snap at the kids. But I'd never speak to anyone - especially a child - like that.

I doubt anyway here would think that was in anyway ok.

It's as if this approach is specific to Solihull yet they claim it's universally applicable.
You are surely having a laugh :-D!
Are you cross about Chelsea buns and Eccles cakes as well?

Cakes which happened to originate in a place, but are now being eaten elsewhere due to being perceived as useful, so the name has no empirical meaning - its all wrong!

Do you have a parenting course which you consider properly researched and well grounded, which you can recommend instead, or do you just disapprove of all forms of help and guidance for parents, teachers and other people working with children?

YANBU. I find it so upsetting to see little kids being publicly humiliated. I had parents like that myself and it's a miserable life.

YANBU, Op. Sadly, it's one of the first things I noticed about parents when I moved to this country many years ago. It is certainly not limited to certain socio-economic groups. In fact, some of the most abusive vitriol has been overhead on the school run in my very naice neighbourhood.

Where I come from, parents wouldn't dream of shouting "shut up" to a small toddler and I come from a place that recently elected a mansized blowhole as Its leader

Clearly there is a divide between parents that try not to be disrespectful and don't say 'shut up', 'you are a brat' etc and parents that do, and think it's fine.

Which parent would you rather have been raised by?

mrs are you expecting everyone to say that they wish they had been brought up by parents who had never said shut up?

I'd rather be raised by my mum, who did tell to shut up occasionally (and justifiably, as my DD gets her narrator from me), and would sometimes get cross and shout at me, and didn't call me a brat but would pull me up on it very quickly when I acted like one, and who was loving and funny and warm and took me on adventures and told me stories and constantly made sure I knew that I was loved and supported unconditionally and raised me to believe I could do anything I wanted to do in life.

And also made sure that I knew when to shut up if I was boring people, and how to laugh at myself, and not be too sensitive to the knocks the world would inevitably give me.

I would choose the parents i had who often told my siblings and i to shut up, shouted at us when they needed to and where also kind and lovely the rest. They taught me that everyone has a limit and families all drive each other nuts sometimes.

Me too coverup they never called me a brat but told me to shut up and pulled me up when i'd done wrong.
I'd never have swapped.

They never called me a brat either and never swore. Well my mum did once after a night away on holiday when i had to share a bed with my sister and kept her up all night with our arguing. I think we had really pushed het to the brink that night.

Wait till you've got a gobby, nit picky, argumentative 14 year old and then come back and say you'd never tell your child to shut up . Everyday I wake up and make a promise to myself to not raise my voice at him or tell him off for something. Some days I manage it, most I don't. I didn't realise that they regressed back to toddlers but in big teenage bodies but they most certainly do! He's brilliant though and occasionally stuns me with some kind thoughtful thing he does for me, not often, but enough

I did this mistake once in my lifetime. I shouted to my son aged 4, 'Shut up'. (nothing else) He started crying and couldn't convince him. I felt so bad and asked him why he cried to this extent. He replied that I said bad word to him. I did regret for my activity and promised him that I would never do this again. It hurts the children really.