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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/04/2017 18:58

India my point (which I tried to make clear with my use of italics, but perhaps didn't) is that your post sounds very judgey - like you've made massive assumptions about the "type" of parent they are.

Today, I said "if you don't stop sulking, I'll chop your head off" to my DS. And "Stop nagging me. Go right away from me so you can't" and probably a few other similar phrases. He knows I love him. But he also needs to learn he cannot be centre of attention 100% of the time.

TheBatPig · 14/04/2017 18:58

Sorry missed off...obviously swearing or calling them names etc is not on

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2017 18:59

YANBU OP but people will say you are because you said it's a rough area. I saw a couple of teenage parents call their 2/3 year old a fucking idiot a couple of months ago. It's horrible to witness but you see it all the time.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 14/04/2017 18:59

Thing is, all you're seeing is a snapshot of someone's life. You've no idea whether they're a normally lovely mum having a really bad day due to circumstances you know nothing about. Or they might always be a bit shit. But you just don't know based on that brief interaction.

My DD is a "Narrator." She's never had an unvoiced thought and her internal monologue isn't. Mostly, when I scream "FGS DD would you just SHUT UP for 5 seconds", it's in the privacy of my own head, but sometimes....

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/04/2017 18:59

I think there is a fine line, I hop I don't cross it as I wouldn't say the things in your OP but I do tell mine to stop talking to me sometimes. They are 6 and 9, I have a chronic illness and am waiting for an assessment for aspergers, both of mine also talk. A lot. All the time. Non stop. The only way they are quiet is with the tv on and I don't want them in front of the box all the time. If DS is on the xbox or tablet, he gives me a running monologue, if DD is playing, it's constantly "look at this mummy," they want playing with a lot, if I am doing something it is constant interruptions, if I sit on the computer in the study you can guarantee they are in and out all the time. I have been doing job applications today and it has been hard work sometimes (we have no door on the study). So you do need to bare some of this in mind when you judge them. But, I do tell them they need to leave me alone for 5 minutes, or stop giving me a running commentary, or let me finish something in peace, I don't shout shut up to them and I don't think it's nice to do this to children.

woodhill · 14/04/2017 18:59

I don't think the things said are that bad. If they were swearing at their dcs fair enough. I remember how wearing it is with young dcs.

WaitrosePigeon · 14/04/2017 19:00

2 is very young, I agree there.

NoCapes · 14/04/2017 19:00

Wait till they're 7 and will only ever speak about one subject, over and over and over and over and over from 6am to 9pm every.single.day

Bet you tell them to shut up at least once a day bet you!

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/04/2017 19:01

I try hard not to judge because as pp's have said, it's a two second snapshot at what could be a stressful time/day.

Having said that, in 11 years of parenting DS1 I've never used the words "shut up" to him, nor to DS2 (6). I don't let them say it to one another, either. No idea why, I just hate it. I explain sometimes that they're being U and I need peace, but never use that phrase. If I used it at work (a school) I'd be totally U so to use it on my own children is even more U.

shesnotme · 14/04/2017 19:02

You lost me at rough area.

Anyway, yabu.

Original poster
IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 19:03

NoCapes these were toddlers sitting in trolley seats. I don't think telli a 7 year old to shut up is massively admirable on the face of it but it's a completely different kettle of fish to a developing 2-4 year old.

OP posts:
EccentricPickle · 14/04/2017 19:04

I tell my almost ten year old to shut up all the time. She doesn't listen though, she still carries on talking incessantly so luckily it hasn't had an effect on her.

.

springflowers11 · 14/04/2017 19:04

At least they are spending time with their kids on a bank holiday, not dumping them at a nursery so they can shop

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 14/04/2017 19:05

Stop judging other parents on a snapshot while you're shopping because your one child is in nursery Hmm

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2017 19:06

That's nothing. I hear much worse around here.

WaitrosePigeon · 14/04/2017 19:06

There's always one Hmm

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 19:07

Yanbu.

I routinely hear " don't you ducking swear at me" being yelled at children along with banshee lime screaming from the mother / female care giver " do you know how much you've just embarrassed me?" and similar.

I think telling your child to go away because they're annoying you / you don't like them etc is horrid if all they're doing is being young children.

Cantusethatname · 14/04/2017 19:07

But isn't there a saying that you should be nice 90% of the time? I can't remember it, sorry.
I do honestly think, looking back to when mine were little, that I was nice 90% of the time. And I spoke to them with respect. And I don't think it is unreasonable to be shocked by the way some people speak to little children.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 14/04/2017 19:09

How can it be ok to tell a toddler to shut up?
We have 3 dc and would never speak to them in a rude and nasty way (and yes, they can sometimes whine and bicker and drive us mad 😄). How would people feel if a stranger or even school/nursery staff told their children to shut up?

If the op had not made the mistake of referring to the 'rough area' etc, would her comments (about ways of speaking to children) have been accepted instead of derided?

Model good behaviour, manners, and language to your kids. Your reward will be kind and respectful adults, who will pass on your good work to the next generation, surely.

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2017 19:09

Momma but don't children sometimes need to be encouraged to stop nagging and play independently?

dinosaursandtea · 14/04/2017 19:09

PP bitching about it being a 'rough area' are missing the point. That kind of behaviour is what makes it rough, not being in a less well-off area. I live on the border between a naice area and a poorer one - the behaviour of people in the poorer one is just the same. If it wasn't, that's what would make it rough.

Theimpossiblegirl · 14/04/2017 19:10

For goodness sake, the OP is not a bad parent for using her child-care to do something alone on a rare day she's not working.

I have been quite shocked lately at just how many parents either talk horribly to their DC or ignore them whilst on their phones. My last trip to town was awful, I witnessed some pretty poor parenting and my heart went out to several children, snapshot or not, it was still unpleasant.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 19:11

smile there's a huge difference between telling your child to go and play or that you're busy and telling a 2 or old you don't like them / they're annoying you and they need to go away

anna1313 · 14/04/2017 19:12

I agree OP. It makes me really sad for the kid.

SilverDragonfly1 · 14/04/2017 19:12

YANBU. Yes, children sometimes need to be told to be quiet so their carer can think straight for a minute! But that doesn't mean you need to say 'Fucking shut up, you're doing my fucking head in!'. 'Be quiet until we get to the biscuit aisle' suffices.

These days, short of a fairly severe learning disability, there is no excuse to claim you 'didn't know it was wrong' to swear at or slap small children. There are just too many examples in the media of abusive parenting and the eventual results (whether that result is the death of the child or the child committing serious crimes, such as in the James Bulger case) for anyone to pretend they thought it was fine, regardless of how they were parented. If you have a TV, facebook, or any social interaction with other adults, you know.

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