To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

[IndiaGrace]

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

We have to bring up our kids to live in the real world. Telling someone who's being bloody annoying to 'just leave me alone' is a small reality check for a three year old who is pushing every known limit. They need to know where their boundaries are, or the real world of school and nursery is going to be a massive shock to the system. 30 years ago my mother was beating me black and blue for the equivalent of a fraction of the things my dcs do each day. I occasionally shout. I think I'm probably the most patient mother my family has produced in however many generations. I'm doing OK.

Yes, telling someone who's being bloody annoying to "just leave me alone" is a small reality check. Children do need to know when they're being annoying and when they have gone too far. I agree with you completely.
But as parents, we have all the power. So shouting in a small child's face, snarling at them, refusing to meet their needs, is abuse. Telling them they are being annoying when they are, but you love them and they know it, is not.

Smile oooh ** we can start our own club 😂

We'd probably do it wrong though Rebel.

Then the whining would start.

I remember , must be a couple of years ago now , my son seemed to be going through a bit of a phase. On a weekly shopping trip to Sainsbury's he went into one and smashed a carton of soup on the floor just because I refused to get him a toy from the toy aisle . If you think that type of behaviour should go unchecked then you haven't been a parent long enough or your just on a different planet. I had more than a few harsh words , I dragged him out of there immediately and banned him from going out with me shopping for at least a month . End of the day , if I'm distracted or let things slide my son will play up, when he's being told off he knows he has to behave . It is constant hard work but think it's lazy parenting not to keep bad behaviour in check. I do draw the line at swearing at them , that's a definite no no .

Smile maybe they could whine at eachother and while we rock in a corner muttering " I don't care".

P.s. Just got told off and counted at (1..2...) for stopping a game to reply. An imaginary game ofc

Or, OR they could whine at each other and we could hide in the kitchen drinking gin tea.

You have no idea what may have led to this behaviour- the little girl getting dragged out of the shop may have been unbelievably naughty. Today my daughter (5) threw a toy in a muddy puddle as I wouldn't let her buy a sweet - she was unceremoniously marched back to the car and taken home; how else is she going to learn acceptable behaviour. I must admit my tactic is furious silence- it is very effective.

Smile i like your thinking. Name a date and a place. Not imaginary, otherwise you will get it wrong of course.

OP YANBU. It's unacceptable. If that's how parents speak to their children in public then how do they treat them in private? Inwould be outraged if another adult spoke to me like that, why is it OK for adults to do that to children. The children learn that this is the way to communicate. I always model 'please may', excuse me etx to my children and they do it instinctively.

rebel

Smile 👏👏👏

*smileeachday
My statistic isn't made up. It's what we teach on the evidence based Solihull Approach to Parenting.

Oh, my mistake Caramac

I'd be very interested in the studies that's based on - could you link to them?

Just google Solihull Approach to Parenting

I just did. Looks interesting.

I thought you might have the research to hand. But that's fine.

I can't believe people think telling a child to "shut up" is okay. Just because it's not a swear word that doesn't mean it's not totally rude and disrespectful.

Why not "You need to keep your voice down or we'll have to go home"? Or "Shh please, mummy needs to concentrate."... There's nothing magical about the words "shut up" that makes them more effective than polite alternatives.

I don't want my kids growing up thinking that telling people to "shut up" is an acceptable way of treating people.

Thought you've had a lot of people say 'wait til you have more then one and they're a bit older', I'd say that you're right - people may be at the end of their tether, but they should still strive to speak to a child with respect, and not to belittle them.

My kids are big now, and saying 'shut up' was very rare, and didn't happen at all until they were over 8 (and I often apologised afterwards). I'm not saying anyone should be a doormat, but there's a big difference between firmly setting boundaries, and yelling abuse at a child.
I suspect most people can manage not to speak like that at work, even in the most trying situation - parenting is just as important, if not more so.
You never know what someone has gone thru, or why they're being mean, so I wouldn't assume people are 'bad parents' from over hearing this stuff once, but personally I work hard not to treat kids rudely. They will get to hear plenty of unkind words and school, they don't need that from parents.

YABU. There is a big difference between telling your child to be quiet and leave you alone (which I have done when I am atbmy wits end) and swearing and being nasty to to them. I despise people who swear at their kids, its disgusting.

Nope I left it at work as it's a non working day.

Haven't RTFT but I just told my beloved DD1 to shut up (she wanted my phone cos hers has died).

I hate the words shut up. I have 2 dd 9 and 5 and although the youngest drives me to distraction sometimes I always make a conscious effort not to use that word. I will raise my voice and get annoyed but it will be please be quiet or please stop talking (multiple times!) . I would not expect them to use shut up to me or each other so I don't use it with them.

There's an age thing with "shut up". With older DCs it can be like banter especially if you're happy to take it back from them. With younger ch it seems wrong to me because of the imbalance of power. There are a few adults who can jokily tell me to shut up, but not many. I don't say it to my DCs. And it would probably be a disciplinary action were I to say it to a child in my class. TBH my yr2s see it as swearing and will always tell on someone who says it in class.

That Solihull website looks terribly unprofessional. Barely any information about what the heck Solihull is supposed to be and some wishy washy

"Background
The Solihull Approach is a UK programme, developed with the population of the UK and with research carried out on the UK population. It was established 20 years ago. It has been shown to have a high acceptance in other cultures too, such as Pakistan, Iceland, Australia, Ghana and Barbados. Resources are developed by professionals from health, education and elsewhere working together with parents.
Government policy
The Solihull Approach is included in the UK Department of Health’s Healthy Child Programme, in Northern Ireland’s strategy for training health visitors and midwives, in Scotland’s strategy for training health visitors and child practitioners. Download Document

Research
It is an evidence based programme. There are 19 research publications with more in the pipeline and an ongoing RCT. Details are on this website, see Research.

For example, a research study investigated what impact the Solihull Approach training has on teachers’ levels of stress, anxiety, mood, sense of teacher efficacy and self-esteem at six months after training showed that teachers who received the Solihull Approach training showed benefits six months later, a statistically significant increase in satisfaction with their helping role, self-esteem, and teacher efficacy scores and a decrease in feeling burnt out/stressed. Teachers who did not receive the training (control group) only showed an improvement in teacher efficacy over the period suggesting that it was receiving the training which caused these benefits. In the group receiving Solihull Approach training the quantitative data suggests there had been an impact on teachers’ interactions with their pupils, the parents and colleagues, and it has led to wider school changes.

The Solihull Approach is included in the Early Intervention Foundation document. It is an example of good practice for NICE, is on the Commissioner’s Toolkit and was the first to be awarded the CANparent Quality Mark for both the face to face and online parenting course.

Age range
The resources cover the complete child age range from conception to age 18 years.

Early intervention offer in the early years

2 day Foundation training for the antenatal team, children’s centres, health visitors etc (can be cascaded)
Cascade follow-up seminars on trauma awareness, attachment and brain development to embed theory into practice
Peer Breastfeeding Supporter Training, contributes to BFI status
Solihull Approach Early Years Foundation training for nursery nurses and childminders
Training for facilitators to deliver antenatal and postnatal face to face groups for mothers and fathers (can be cascaded)
Antenatal and postnatal online courses for mother and fathers (increasing accessibility)
Website with free virtual memory box to support access to online courses
Multi-user licenses for online antenatal, postnatal and course for parents increasing coverage across a population"

bad copy writing doesn't sound professional

What on earth does Solihull even mean? I wonder how watertight the 'research' is especially as the government is paying shit loads of money to this organisation.

Smile

solihullapproachparenting.com/research/

"An evaluation of the views of over 200 parents who have taken part in the ‘Understanding your child’s behaviour’ course showed that 95% of parents found the course highly satisfactory. Parents increased their knowledge of strategies and solutions for responding to children’s behaviour, they improved their interactions with their children and were better able to recognise and respond to their own and their children’s feelings." 200 parents? Not sufficiently big enough sample for this sort of research. 95%? What's the confidence interval? Not at all convinced by this.