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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 15/04/2017 21:12

I'm a lone parent and there have been times when DCs (aged 7 and 4) have frayed my very last nerve. I've lost it big time and said awful things. Obviously I'd like to be perfect like some sanctimonious posters on here but I'm not. Don't assume from a 5 second snapshot that those children aren't showered with love 99.99% of the time...I know mine are.

Daydream007 · 15/04/2017 21:17

YANBU. I hate it when people talk to their kids like dirt.

springflowers11 · 16/04/2017 07:31

If you NEVER raisevyour voice to your young child even when they are being naughty, you are setting them up for a big shock when they get to school.although a teacher on here claims she never raises her voice most do.
Interesting how op does not like being judged on a snapshot of her parenting(dumping kid) , but is happy to judge others!

Mrstumbletap · 16/04/2017 10:20

If a woman wrote on here:

"My DH sometimes shouts really loudly at me, speaks to me like crap, shouts at me to 'shut up', tells me to go away and speaks with such distain it upsets me. But he only does it occasionally, when he is stressed, what should I do?"

What would you say?

Would the same replies of. "Just you wait OP, you will talk like that too one day".

"But he showers you with love the rest of the time, so don't worry"

Mrstumbletap · 16/04/2017 10:29

For the people getting shouting and raising your voice confused:

'Yelling is more associated with anger and losing control. It might rouse fear. Raising your voice is more associated with commanding and being in charge of the situation. It might rouse resignation.'

Shouting because you have lost control and are trying to make your child fearful is very different to raising your voice.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 16/04/2017 10:35

MrsTumble, you are spot on. It's the same when admitting to smacking children, it's an offence to do it to another adult but many are happy to "discipline" children this way.

You don't have to be the perfect parent to not shout. People do get frustrated at home, work etc but many don't resort to losing their temper or saying awful things.

ShamefulDodger · 16/04/2017 10:56

I do lots of things to my children I don't do to adults.

I've never sat badgering an adult for three hours to have a bath because he's dirty.

I've never told a grown woman that she can't eat junk food all the time.

I've never taken a car off an adult and told him he can't have it back until he learns to share it with the next door neighbour.

InMemoryOfSleep · 16/04/2017 11:36

I'm a bit shocked at how rude people are being to the OP (and each other) - choosing not to shout at your kids or use offensive language does not make you 'perfect', 'sanctimonious', or anything else equally patronising. I can also 100% guarantee you that I could have 20 children and I would still never tell them to shut up, it's just not how I speak to people.

Get mad all you like - kids are frustrating, and yes we're all knackered and at the end of our tether sometimes. It doesn't excuse being rude and aggressive to your kids, no matter how you justify it.

How you speak to them now will be how they speak to each other (and you) later in life, and I don't want my kids to think telling me to shut up is ok. It's not.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 12:18

"My DH sometimes shouts really loudly at me, speaks to me like crap, shouts at me to 'shut up', tells me to go away and speaks with such distain it upsets me.*

He normally does it when i poke him in the eye for 10th time. Or if we are at the shops,and he got me everything i wanted but i still started screaming and crying because he wouldn't get me one more thing. One time it was while he was on an important phone call but i needed to know why the sky is blue,what are we doing later,where do babies come from etc right then and there. And I really really wanted to say hello to whomever was on the phone. Another time i headbutted him so hard he had a bleeding lip. I punch and kick him sometimes as well but it's all an accident. He made dinner last night but it had the green peppers not the red peppers and i decided that day that only red peppers will do so I blew up at him and threw dinner on the floor. I need his attention all the time and have important things to tell him even when he is on the toilet so i just barge in.

Branleuse · 16/04/2017 15:37

really, most of us are just doing our best, trying to be an OK parent and not lose our minds. Some of us get shouty because its so fucking relentless, and other people are proper mother earths, who never lose their shit. We cant all be the same

TisapityshesaGeordie · 16/04/2017 16:12

"How you speak to them now will be how they speak to each other (and you) later in life, and I don't want my kids to think telling me to shut up is ok. It's not."

How do you know that, InMemoryOfSleep? My mum was quite a shouty mum, but we still have a lovely, warm, affectionate relationship, and infinite respect for each other.

Actually as a family we were quite a shouty family, but my childhood memories tend to be of a happy household and loving family. Who drove each other up the wall occasionally and had a good shout about it.

Littledrummergirl · 16/04/2017 17:30

When ds1 was a toddler I did a parenting course called less shouting more communication. It was facilitated by a vicars wife and she impressed on us that we would be unlikely to survive parenting without raising our voice at some point and not to feel guilty if we did.
There were also many tips and techniques to help us communicate. Despite using these I still shout at my dc sometimes, I am human, with human frailties and sometimes I'm not perfect.

HoldBackTheRain · 16/04/2017 17:33

Rebel i dont think that's a great comparison. Kids are learning about the world!

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 17:35

That's really sad op. I've gotten cross w one of mine when the dc was a truly horrible teen (other one was not a horrible teenager), but little ones aren't culpable, need good examples, and should not be spoken to like that.

I've been head-butted by a toddler (bloody nose, did not get cross), been talked at incessantly (mastered art of saying mm-hmm), and not always been perfect, but there's no excuse for being verbally nasty to your kids.

CherryChapstik · 16/04/2017 17:36

OP I completely and utterly agree with you. And all these people on here who justify speaking to children like shit should take a long hard look at themselves . There is no justification

And yes, I've got children ranging from late teens down so I know what it's like to have my temper well and truly frayed.

raspberrysuicide · 16/04/2017 17:42

In a rough horrible Tesco I heard a woman call her little boy a cunt.
Then he went over to my dd and said it to her!

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 17:46

Holdback that was in reply to a pp that said the bit in bold. If it's ridiculous and doesn't apply one way,it's ridiculous and it doesn't apply the other way. Many things you do to a child would be abusive if you did them to an adult,like forcing them to have a bath,insisting they try a meal or eat their vegetables,deciding wether a friend can come over or what clothes/shoes they should wear,wether they can have a chocolate or an icecream, giving them a set bedtime,removing an object because or behaviour,or giving them cnsequences or putting them on the naughty step etc.

caramac04 · 16/04/2017 17:52

YANBU
Most parents get exasperated at times and speak inappropriately to their child. It happens. But casual and habitual swearing at and insulting of their children is totally not acceptable. How would they feel if an adult spoke to them like that? If the parent behaves badly then the child is very likely to as well. Parents are role models for their children and actually should be aiming to get it right for 70% of the time.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 17:53

OP never mentioned swearing.
There's a whole load of in between territory from "shut up/leave me alone/stop asking for sweets it's doing my nut in" and "fuck off you little cunt".

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2017 17:56

caramac - do you work in advertising? I love your entirely made up figure of 70% Grin

Midnightprobs · 16/04/2017 18:03

It's difficult op. I don't think any of us actively wants to shout at a small child but children also need to learn that they must consider the feelings (and patience and tiredness of others, particularly their parents). Lots of people are at the end of their tether.

WannaBe · 16/04/2017 18:05

Surely anyone with half a brain cell can tell the difference between a parent who loses their temper with a child and tells them to shut up or that they don't like them very much today and one which tells their child they're a fucking bitch and they hate them?

Because there is a vast difference. And let's be honest, someone who dumps their child in nursery so they can do housework and shopping unhindered surely does so because they know that they don't have the patience/can't be arsed to have the child with them so they ditch them for an easier life? If the OP's two year old were with her 24/7 the story would be vastly different, surely? Except she clearly can't be arsed to take her child to the shops or have it with her on the bank holiday weekend and chooses to judge those parents who do rather than face up to her own inadequacies as a parent.

No there is no excuse for swearing at a child.

But swearing is not shouting. And all parents shout at their children at least once in their lives. Show me a parent who has never raised their voice to their child and I'll show you a child with no boundaries and no discipline.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 18:14

My parenting style is muddling on/good enough/swan style. I'm no expert. I fuck up in many ways,i get it right in many ways. I have days when I lay awake in bed crying because i fucked up somehow or just feeling guilty. I have days when I'm like "oh yeah, i've got this shit!"

One example

Stubbed my toe on something
Me: sh...sh... sugar!
Dd: mummy you nearly said shit!

Once i stopped laughing, I explained to her the difference in the sh sound in shit and sugar. She can spell both correctly GrinGrinwhile obviously knowing she is not to actually say shit .

phoenixrose314 · 16/04/2017 18:25

Quite shocked at how many people think it's okay to tell a child to shut up!!! Do you think children don't deserve the same kind of respect that an adult does??

I talk to my child the way I would like to be spoken to. If he does get on my nerves - and believe me, he does - I have been known to raise my voice, and even leave the room to calm down when necessary - but I would never humiliate or insult my child due to frustration. That's disgusting behaviour and shows how little parents respect and value their own child.

The way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice. Remember that.

Marymoosmum14 · 16/04/2017 18:26

I used to think like you but after asking my DD to be quiet and behave for 3-4hours I end up saying things like that to her and loosing my rag, you are only catching a small snippet of what is going on, not the full story.