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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/04/2017 18:27

To all the parents who say there is no excuse for being verbally nasty to your child I would beg you to walk a mile in my shoes before passing such judgements. I absolutely adore my kids but I'm dealing with an ongoing acrimonious divorce from my abusive ex husband, I am currently under the MH team for assessment and treatment of possible BPD, I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

I already feel shit about it when I lose my temper, passing judgement on here by saying there's no excuse for it doesn't help.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 18:29

Saying shut up is humiliating and insulting?
Nope it's a request. The same request as not now darling,shh, please be quiet just differently worded.
The end result that you actually want is for them to.....shut up.

VioletLips · 16/04/2017 18:42

Oh gosh, Ds really was acting like a brat yesterday.

We'd had a great few days away. Last half a day and he'd been pushing buttons ALL morning. Being very defiant, whingeing that we hadn't bought his iPad along on a site seeing morning, dragging his feet, walking off. It all built up and he was told he was acting like a brat. Which actually then made him worse but by that stage I just think he was after any excuse to turn it up a notch. We walked it out of him Grin

He also never, ever stops talking. He still interrupts conversations and we have tried EVERYTHING to stop him interrupting. We never swear in his face, we never smack him but we have shouted at him in public because that's what he needed at the time, yesterday being a prime example.

I don't think it matters how many dc you have. Even having one can be a struggle. Depends on the child doesn't it. Some dc are very easy and compliant, others press buttons and are extremely defiant. Ds, atm is the latter.

He does usually know when he's been a particular pain though and we have loads of cuddles when things have calmed down and things get forgotten about, although some situations do get talked about once things have calmed down enough to do so. If I have shouted I do tell him I'm sorry for shouting but that his behaviour wasn't acceptable, which I'm not always proud of but it doesn't happen very often.

We're only human and I can understand why I hear some parents shout at their dc and I wouldn't judge. I would however, if I'd heard some of the real awful examples some posters have heard. Not good.

Kanga59 · 16/04/2017 18:46

Your pfb is only 2 so you have another year or so yet of being their perfect parent. enjoy it!

InMemoryOfSleep · 16/04/2017 18:53

@RebelRogue as several people have pointed out, there's a big difference between raising your voice to your child and using horrible language. Shouting at a child to 'stop!' is very different to telling them to 'shut up' or 'leave me alone' and carries a very different message.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 18:54

Just out of curiosity does anyone else's child does that thing where by being deliberately daft they can't do something/do it wrong/ do it but hurt themselves in the process and also won't do something else, and won't accept help etc and instead just whinge, whinge , whinge?

That's the thing that normally ends my patience.

Oblomov17 · 16/04/2017 18:57

Oh purlease. Maybe OP's low self esteem has made her a perfect, wet blanket, but these sanctimonious 'oh I'd never talk to my kids like that', make me want to vomit. Gods for you!!

VioletLips · 16/04/2017 18:57

Rebel, we just call it 'opposites' in this house.

VioletLips · 16/04/2017 18:58

And ds is 10!

123yourusername · 16/04/2017 18:59

I've also heard some awful things but they're not my kids so if that's how their family is then it's none of my business.

One that stood out was another leaving school with her 6 year old that has a medical issue meaning she's quite overweight (know but forgotten what it was) "come on fatty I need to go shopping we'll be all week with ou waddling that far behind" I just kind of jaw dropped in shock..

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2017 19:00

Rebel
All the bloody time 😳

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 19:01

InMemory I guess the difference of opinion comes from how you see "shut up". I don't see it as a rude and aggressive command whereas some posters might. Haven't considered that until now.
My go to word is actually " Enough!" accompanied by "the look".

BusyBeez99 · 16/04/2017 19:02

See you in a few years OP. 😂😂

InMemoryOfSleep · 16/04/2017 19:02

@Oblomov17 call it sanctimonious all you like, but I (and it seems many others) would never talk to my kids like that, or in fact to my DH, family, friends, or anyone else. Even you. I think it's rude and aggressive, and there are plenty of other things to say to get your point across. I get that people lose it and shout - nobody's perfect, we've all done it, but even in the heat of an argument with another adult I would never use the kind of language people are describing using with their children. End of.

valeview · 16/04/2017 19:03

I agree completely with you, I've heard parents using disgusting language in front of their kids, and sometimes directly at them.. Those poor kids will go into school with these words as part of their every day vocabulary, and will be rightly confused when it gets a bad reaction. But what I CAN'T stand who totally ignore their children when they speak. How many times have you seen kids saying 'look at this Mummy' over and over and over and the mother is completely ignoring them. THAT is disgusting.

InMemoryOfSleep · 16/04/2017 19:04

And @RebelRogue yes I totally agree, and that's fair enough. And the look is my weapon of choice also Grin.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 19:04

Smile and Violet thank fuck for that. And if you keep your cool please teach me masters!

Because after the 5th time she simply walked off the bed face planting i frankly didn't care anymore.( and that's one of the nicest scenarios)

neveradullmoment99 · 16/04/2017 19:07

Its called developing resiliance in children Wink
Ok its not the best but honestly, it isnt like telling them to fuck off. You are being very judgmental. You have no idea what kind of day mum/dad have had. Imo, YABU.

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2017 19:08

I also have the look

I tend to say "I do not want to be in the room with you if you're going to carry on doing X go away from me"

And sometimes Just stop. RIGHT NOW

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 19:09

Vale yeah because looking at a sock for the 5th time and doing it WRONG is exactly how i want to spend 30 mins of my life!!
Or passing an imaginary fork,which is wrong because it's actually a spoon, and then it's wrong because it's wood not metal,and then it's wrong because it was pink not blue. It's a blooming imaginary fork !!! Go get your own then!!

Yeah that happened too. And then she cried because i wasn't looking the right way. Trust me it's easier not to look sometimes.

ChequeredPasta · 16/04/2017 19:11

Haven't read the full thread, but...
Your child's nursery was open on a bank holiday?!?!
Where is this mystical nursery, and how quickly will the accept my kid?

DrCoconut · 16/04/2017 19:13

I witnessed a horrible scene in a seaside arcade last year. A boy aged 4 or 5 was being shouted at by his presumably dad. He was a big man and was bellowing in the child's face really aggressively saying the boy is a pain in the arse, he's going to smack him, wait till we get home etc. The boy was crying and sadly the mum and other child looked scared too. Seriously nasty. There's a difference between correcting/disciplining/whatever and plain abuse.

Booboo66 · 16/04/2017 19:14

I say stuff like this to my DC -regularly- sometimes .. They are both super confident but they are very high energy and talk A LOT. I'm
a single parent who has them 24/7 and sometimes (mostly on busy shopping trips) I need them to be quiet and let me concentrate. It's not indicative of our normal interaction.

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2017 19:16

Rebel I got bollocked for not imagining the hair colour of an imaginary ninja right.

user33377888222 · 16/04/2017 19:21

I have one challenging dc and end up speaking in a cross and slightly shouty way more often than i'd like. However, I would never ever put any child down, not mine and not any child. There is a basic respect for their dignity and an understanding that children are inherent vulnerable in relation to adults.

Belittling children or people who are in a less powerful position than oneself is despicable. behaviour. I suppose many people act this way because that is how they were parented it's a vicious circle. The other day a young lad was being rather clumsy on one of the climbing frames at the playground. his dad huffed and puffed and did nothing to build his son up and encourage him to push his own boundaries and develop his abilities. I overheard the dad calling his ds a weakling and hopeless. horribly sad. This boy will grow up learning to belittle others and feel bigger by regarding those that he sees as weaker than him Sad