To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

[IndiaGrace]

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

What Crunchyside said.

I can't imagine telling someone to shut up, even if I might think it at times. To my ear it's horribly rude, bossy, and disrespectful.

I hate hate hate it when people say "if they do that in public what happens at home?".
Do you really believe i change my parenting or move goal posts depending on where i am? That I care more about you(general public) than my child's behaviour and what goes or what doesn't? What you see is what you get regardless of location and DD knows that the same rules apply. She tried being a smart ass once when i told her she'd go on the naughty step because we were out and there was no step. I found a spot to plonk her in and there you go, same rules as at home.
If anything I'll be more relaxed at home as i know the environment, there are less triggers for her and i hate people,and crowds,and public transport, and people.

To summarise... if my kid needs a telling off don't for a second think you're more important than that.

Smile
All I can say is that I am happy to deliver a programme which basically advocates parental kindness and allows parents time and space to understand their interactions with their children. The programme recognises that it is unrealistic to expect parents to be perfect (and who can even say what that would even look like, if a parent doesn't make mistakes then how can a child live up to that?). Parents are encouraged to improve their relationship with their child(ren) and usually find that challenging behaviour from their child is reduced. I really don't see the problem with asking parents to have good interactions with their child for 70% of the time and acknowledging that the pressures on parents mean that such me of the time they might show frustration and impatience. I know I have

Some of not such me

what does Solihull even mean

are you serious?

Its worrying that several people seem to see this sort of yelling and language as the only alternative to letting the child misbehave. It really isn't insults, or let a child run wild - that isn't the spectrum of how much discipline; there's speaking firmly, and removing a child firmly from what they're doing wrong, with warnings and consequences if they're big enough to understand.

Abusive language is not discipline, its venting anger, nothing more, nothing less.

No-one wants to walk in my shoes then?
I don't think anybody is saying it's ok to shout at your child/tell them to shut up, they're just saying it happens sometimes when you're at the end of your tether. In a perfect world I'm sure none of us would ever use bad words to anyone, but it isn't a perfect world.

If you've never, ever been pushed to the outer limits of exasperation by your kids then you are lucky. Every single one of us has a breaking point.

Thanks user

200 parents is a small sample.

I'm not saying it's not doing some good stuff, but some parenting programmes do make outrageous claims about how evidence based they are.

Of course 200 parents is a small sample and their evaluation hasn't (in my experience) been independently sought. However in at least one county there are currently 12 x 10 week programmes planned to be delivered (they run concurrently in different venues) this year with potentially up to 120 families accessing the programme.

what does Solihull even mean

are you serious?
absolutely.

Ha you'd hate me then. I tell DD to 'shurrrup or I'll sell you'. She starts a laughing and says 'nah I don't think you will mummy' 🤔.

But I'm always jokey when I say that sort of stuff and very affectionate with her tbh.

Never hiss at her or anything, she's my baby ❤

Rebel ohhhhhh yes 5yo dd took half an hour to pee and wash her hands tonight because of the sheer quantity of (quite literal) arsing about

*what does Solihull even mean

are you serious?
absolutely.*

So, it was called 'the Solihull approach'; Solihull is a place, in the West Midlands in the UK. An approach is a method, or technique. So the approach, is being used in Solihull. It seems fairly straightforward - I hope that helps...
I have no vested interest either way, but fwiw, the website looked useful to me, providing an introduction, and led to pages with more details. Not sure what was 'wishy washy' about it.

well my children are 14, 12 and 10 and don't seem to be suffering from any lack of self esteen, despite my awful parenting of telling them regularly 'do shut up you aggravating brat' and even worse. mostly because they know it's meant affectionately. I couldn't give the remotest fuck what some random stranger thinks of me tbh.

I'm just surprised a nursery was open on Good Friday.

Op - yanbu and yabu. If you want to know why people speak like this to their children or anyone else for that matter - read this book 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. It will change your life and help you be a better parent. It will also help you if you do ever find yourself in the situation of screaming/shouting/swearing at your child. It will also explain why people judge on here.

In addition to that poor diet creates mood swings and this type of behaviour. Not everyone is aware of this.

I hate hate hate it when people say "if they do that in public what happens at home?" except for many people it IS true. You might swear like a sailor at home but modify it to fit in with the place you are in outside of that - whether its the tennis club or work or the local pub. Abusive adults are less likely to abuse their child or partner in public because they understand on some level that people will judge or intervene. Most of emus wear a level of public persona and that includes parents

Solihull

YANBU. Don't like to hear it, however, I have lost it on numerous occasions with my kids. Usually I just walk out of the room if possible and take a few deep breaths but have on occasion just snapped - I have never sworn at my kids like some of the examples on here though.
What used to really annoy me when my kids were in school was the way some of the support staff used to speak to the children - dinner ladies and the like. Like shouting " get in line NOW" in a really aggressive way. Acceptable maybe in secondary school but for 5 yeR olds?

I'm not very patient, and more shouty than I would like to be. I would never swear at my kids though and never tell them to "shut up". "Can you please be quiet?" is as bad as it gets.

It's fairly easy to tell whether a parent is speaking to their child with irritability or a sort of uncaring contempt. The latter is really upsetting to witness: I once insisted we packed up and left a campsite because we seemed to be surrounded by absolute scum who thought that calling your kid a "fucking little cunt" was acceptable. (Yes it was Haven, Rhyl, Bank holiday).

And if not wanting my own children to witness that sort of shit makes me a judgy cow, then so be it.

"So, it was called 'the Solihull approach'; Solihull is a place, in the West Midlands in the UK. An approach is a method, or technique. So the approach, is being used in Solihull. It seems fairly straightforward - I hope that helps..."

No not convinced. It sounds ridiculous. How about the
'Glasgow approach'
'Hull Approach'
'Luton Approach'
'Brighton approach'
It's a nonsensical name for a service that is nationally used and paid for by the tax payer with little or no hard evidence of its efficacy.

It's as if this approach is specific to Solihull yet they claim it's universally applicable.

"do shut up you aggravating brat" wow sounds loving and classy.

It's called the Solihull Approach because it was first used in Solihull by health visitors. I can't understand why some pp's are being so negative about an approach that whilst putting childrens well being at the heart of interactions also respects parents as the ones doing the hard work day in day out. Children can be hard work and I believe the vast majority of parents can have regular struggles with aspects of their child's behaviour. Coupled with the other stresses such as eg from finances, relationships and busy lives it's only natural that they get cross and fed up. If you found a particular approach meant your child was mostly co operative would you use that approach?
Parents I have worked with have told me that their relationship with their child has improved and they are all happier for that. It's not 100% of the time but that's ok surely? I'm not knocking parents I'm just saying there is help for those whose struggle a lot. It is about being kind but also about settling boundaries too but not every parent needs help and if you don't then that's good . If anyone thinks they would like to know more either google or see link provided by pp.

caramac04 The theory sounds very ok but I don't like the pseudo scientific claims of this 'model's' alleged efficacy. The website isn't very professional which is why i am a bit about the fact that text payers money goes into this scheme nation-wide.

tax payers!