To get pissed off with the clique at my exercise class?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Okay, firstly this is lighthearted. I am well aware it is a first world problem. It's more of a pondering about human behaviour than anything else...

I do a barre-concept class every week. It's not at a studio or anywhere fancy (we don't even have a 'barre' but just use the wall) but at the local leisure centre. I enjoy it. There's a group of women who take it VERY SERIOUSLY. These are women in their 40s/50s. They are very pally with the instructor, if she's running even two min late they will stand in the front and offer to lead the class, wear designer gear (I mean they make a real effort with their appearance, hair and make up is done too) and 'save spaces' for each other.

My main bugbear is it's like they think they are still the 'cool girls' at school. The first time I went I grabbed a space and a woman says 'sorry but my friend usually stands there and she's running late'. I ignored her and the class started. The latecomer runs in. Woman next to me goes 'Lisa I saved you a space but this lady seems to have taken it, sorry!' Lisa huffily takes a space somewhere else.

There was an extra class today as it's a bank holiday so I went along. Exact same class as I go to every Saturday. One woman ( a regular) goes 'are you new? I have NEVER seen you before!' I said 'this is my 6th class', and she exclaims 'are you sure? I've never noticed you before!'

I just said 'I don't usually make a big thing about it, I just turn up'. She just made a comment about hoping I could 'keep up' with the class...

I still keep at it because it's a nice work out but I cringe all the way though the class at the clique. Lots of newcomers have come and not been back as it's not incredibly welcoming. It seems to be a minefield knowing where you are 'allowed' to stand and what colour weights are the preferred ones of the clique.

AIBU to think some people never grow out of the mindset of being at secondary school and part of the 'in crowd'? One lady who joined a week or so ago was complimented by one of the regulars on her water-container. She absolutely gushed her thanks, you'd think she'd just been told she was in line for a Nobel prize.

I don't have colleagues (nanny/pa) and no children so no 'school gate' experiences exactly, so I think it's just been a long time since I've been in any kind of environment where people are just thrown together. I just find it strange I guess. I thought all the cliqueness and being part of the cool gang got left behind long ago. I just want to do my class without listening to the tinkly laughs and the 'in-jokes' and worrying about where I can bloody stand!

I actually think the issue is with you rather than them. You're complaining that they're unfriendly but when one of them tried to chat to you and ask if you were new you just took offence. And I agree that you were really rude to take her friend's place. It's a social activity, why shouldn't she want to do it with her friend?

Why are you allowed to do what you want but they aren't allowed to laugh or enjoy themselves? Why do you expect them to instantly notice you coming and why are you taking offence that they hadn't noted you from your first lesson?

Your attitude sounds really prickly.

I've been attending exercise classes regularly for 18 months now. When I first started the regulars were very encouraging. We always welcome newcomers and there is clear distinction as to the instructor/participants place. It's makes for an all round great experience.

When I was at school, the cliques used to intimidate me. I was a bit awkward and didn't have many friends and would have given my left arm to be part of one of the popular groups.

Nowadays, I am the opposite. Having overcome my youthful awkwardness, I have been part of groups and alone in various settings, and definitely prefer being outside of the clique. They are a bit sad, and I have found at times that if you get one person on their own they struggle to function without the gang.

Bonkers!

The instructor needs to be doing more. I took up ballet at 19, got thrown straight into a class of cliquey women who had been doing it since they were tiny, because there wasn't a strictly beginner class at this particular place. I wanted to be in the middle of the barre so I had people to copy on both sides. Got lots of 'oh, x always stands there' and ended up at the back, so no one to copy on left leg turned around. Teacher told them to swap because I was new. It never happened again.

Please don't let them stop you from going. I would have a quiet word with the instructor, often I don't think they take in everything that goes on within the class.

Oh I LOVE this sort of thing, but then I think there's something a bit wrong with me. I enjoy watching all the clique-iness and gossip and who's-friends-with-who playout on a weekly basis. If you were Jane Austen, you could turn it into a best-selling novel on the follies of human nature. I ran into something similar in ballet. Started aged 31, not in great shape, and I am astonishingly bad at it, but absolutely loved it anyway, even because I was so crap, because there was no pressure to be anything but the bottom of the class. Anyway, I never really spoke to anyone whilst I was there, but from the very beginning it was very obvious that there were two cliques - the actual teens who were clearly into some sort of competitive starvation and paid me no more attention than they would a can of paint, and then just like yours, the 40/50 year old women who didn't seem to bother with the starvation, but oh my god the place-saving and "wearing the right clothes" and "buying new expensive gear" and showing that they were better than someone else was hilarious. I loved the ballet for its own self, but the drama llamas on a weekly basis was like some sort of live, free Hollyboaks with more tutus and side-eye. I was more disappointed to miss out on that when I fell pregnant with DS than I was about the actual dancing.

It was a thing of beauty. If you can, OP, stay quietly on the sides and enjoy every last bit of it.

I may be off my rocker.

AIBU to think some people never grow out of the mindset of being at secondary school

Like you? It's very childish to complain about "cliques" and cool girls etc when you are more than old enough to know better.

I agree with you OP.

It's not okay to save spaces for a friend in an exercise class.

It's like dogs marking territory.

I changed Zumba class because of it.

I have to say, I think my OH loved the ballet class as much as I did. After every class when I'd get into the car he;d be all, "So, what happened THIS week?" and I'd give him a rundown of all the latest developments. I didn't know any names so had to assign them all. It was like living in my own little novel. LOVED it.

So she said she saved a spot for her friend next to her and you totally ignored her? Why were you so rude? Was there nowhere else for you to stand?
Damn right she ignored her, why would you give in to such a childish and pathetic demand. It was rude of the woman who said this, not the Op who quite rightly ignored her.

They sound silly, well done for not moving OP, 'saving a space' in an exercise class is pathetic and childish.

I've been told at a class before ' that is whoevers place' I was really embarrassed, felt wick and moved. Was so cross with myself after but it can be nerve wrecking walking into a new class-these wankers do not help. Well done you for staying put!

I've got fitter and more confident so go to the classes I like and have noticed that the clique that I assumed were mega fit actually do a lot of standing around chatting-very little working out. So I conclude they are there cos it is the only social outlet they have

Perhaps the '60 somethings' is relevant as it shows that some people don't seem to grow out of the behaviour, that went on at school. Despite their 60 something years on this earth they are still lacking kindness, empathy and self-awareness.

I remember my first job out of school, it was in an office. There was a young woman and an older woman in that office as well as some others. To my astonishment as soon as the young woman left the room the older one started bitching about the young woman's make-up and clothes. I was really hoping that having left school I'd also left the bitchiness, I hadn't.

Seems like they were a group of friends. Why wouldnt they want to interact with each other.

Perhaps the '60 somethings' is relevant as it shows that some people don't seem to grow out of the behaviour, that went on at school. Despite their 60 something years on this earth they are still lacking kindness, empathy and self-awareness

Well maybe, but as cliquishness can be ascribed to any and every age group maybe it's just, as I said, a bit of ageism. Some people (most in my experience but that's just me) DO grow out of it. Your own anecdote Joseph whilst interesting, and I can well see it was upsetting for you, really does not prove otherwise.

I don't think I'm prickly. The way the woman asked I'd I wasn't new wasn't done in a welcoming fashion at all.

We move around a lot too. So really no need to save spaces. It was really just for a warm up and 'lisa' wasn't using 'her' space because she was late! So I really didn't feel I should have moved.

The instructor indulges them unfortunately. She calls them her 'original ladies' as in 'shout out to my original ladies showing us how it's done!'

ForTheSakeOfFuck you sound fab. I very much like the Jane Austin angle

Maybe BalletFit is similar? We do lots of pliets and floor work and weights. I think it's good for your core. I'm quite new to organised exercise to be honest

It's not a real exercise class if there isn't a group like this in it.

There's been one in every class I've ever been in.

I find it quite fascinating. Like a David Attenborough program on the social interactions of brightly coloured birds or something.

She calls them her 'original ladies' as in 'shout out to my original ladies showing us how it's done!'

Well there's the problem right there. Bloody unbelievable!

Harriet are there any other classes in your area? I wouldn't put up with an instructor like that. I find that any kind of exercise class related to dance especially can be quite cliquey, often you need a good instructor who takes no nonsense to stop that kind of mentality developing. One ballet class I go to now is very cliquey, when I first joined there were a few who got upset that I was allowed to join because they thought I was 16 (I look ridiculously young for my age). The teacher didn't correct them about my age. Just told them she handles who comes and who doesn't and it's none of their business, and if they keep on like that they'll be not enough people left to run the class

They sound like a bunch of daft biddies who don't get out much. Just carry on going because you like the class and stand where you like. Give yourself a star every time you get them up make a stupid "girlish" remark about saving a place or whatever!

...get them to make...

Reading this brings me out in hives.

There are loads of these kind of clssses where I live in the studio or yoga places but I paid for membership at my local gym/leisure centre and it includes all classes so I really want to utilise them! I am going to carry on going. while playing clique bingo in my head

So she said she saved a spot for her friend next to her and you totally ignored her? Why were you so rude? Was there nowhere else for you to stand?

No, this is really not how it works. It's first-come, first-served. OP was not the rude one at all.

There is a group of women in my Body Pump class who carry on like this. There is an area in the front corner that gets most of the breeze from the fan. One of them will run in and immediately plonk down 3 or 4 extra benches in front of the fans for her friends.

It's bloody rude when we have all paid the same. A person who is actually there should have a choice of spots before someone who runs in ten minutes later!

Oh, and a couple of times when I did manage to get a spot in front of the fan, the women who considered it 'their' spot just came and dumped their equipment practically on top of me.