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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel infuriated by my in laws

181 replies

SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 09:41

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/04/2017 12:06

Having high expectations and being strict worked well for us. I have four so in order for us to exist peacefully and calmly it was needed.
We have an order which we sit in at the table and each child held a particular side of the pram walking to school. They soon learnt when mummy said no that was that. Children as young as three do learn.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 12:11

Maybe you should send the ILs to time out!!

Easier all round...

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 12:13

Newborns desperate to feed but being made to "wait" because a lady in a book says

Ah, there you go, I knew it. This is exactly what helped with my child's colic and that's exactly the judgement I received as if I was somehow damaging my child.

Sofia, it's the Golden Rule of parenting 'damned if you do; damned if you don't'

ElinorRigby · 14/04/2017 12:14

Beans, not forgetting of course, that final hug, and the 'I love you lots!'

Giddyaunt18 · 14/04/2017 12:16

OP when they retell these stories they are with the benefit of hindsight and knowing that their children turned out ok, ok enough for you to think that one of them was husband material. My children have done silly things, they have only seen my stern face and the 'punishment' for it.They don't see or hear me laughing as I retell the story to a friend. Children are funny and do and say funny things that might not be appropriate.It doesn't mean you can't have a laugh about it afterwards.

ElinorRigby · 14/04/2017 12:20

Seventeen years ago, I gave my daughter what I thought was a leftover glass of apple juice for breakfast.

She said it tasted off, so I had a sip - then realised it was some undrunk beer.

Anyone want to call Social Services?

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 12:21

Hah Elinor - I'd love to be there to see that!!

Giddyaunt18 · 14/04/2017 12:22

Grin Elinor

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 12:23

The hug I meant, not the beer drinking...

FWIW I absolutely agree that people tell horror stories for fun, nit to make a point and that you probably need to chill out a bit on that bit OP.

Everyone has a 'fell down the stairs' story or similar.

relaxo · 14/04/2017 12:27

Yanbu to be pissed off. Just detach and breathe.

I agree that different tactics work for different kids and you are fully aware that a child is a product of nature and nurture. Keep on going with what's working for your family.

TittyGolightly · 14/04/2017 12:27

Having high expectations and being strict worked well for us. I have four so in order for us to exist peacefully and calmly it was needed.
We have an order which we sit in at the table and each child held a particular side of the pram walking to school. They soon learnt when mummy said no that was that. Children as young as three do learn.

so you choose to have 4 and they have to fall into line (military style) to enable you to manage them?

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 12:59

Why are you extrapolating I am talking about you I like beans Hmm.

First time mum Friend with perfectly well newborn inflicting a method on her at 3 weeks old. Tiny baby rooting and crying for food - no colic or any other issues but mum laughingly tells her "it's not time yet" and hands her to Dh because if mum holds her she gets too distressed as so hungry. Dh handed her back and said "I don't think she's read the book - she's just really hungry".

SearchingforGrandparents · 14/04/2017 13:01

KERALA1 OMG are you serious? 'Training' a newborn? That's sickening! What did she say after her DH said that to her??

SomethingBorrowed · 14/04/2017 13:10

titty Or she chose to have 4 DC and teaches them to behave so they can live in a happy household, instead of one where children fight about who sits where at every mealtime, one where walks outside are enjoyable instead of constant battle about who holds which hand and constantly calling a child to stop running around near moving cars.
I have only two and we have similar kind of rules

wigglybeezer · 14/04/2017 13:12

I have older children, in fact the oldest has left home now, three boys all with different temperaments.

I was fairly strict about a lot of things, teeth brushing, please and thank yous, snatching and hitting etc. lax about others (mainly dirt and mess related).

DS1 was a very difficult child, tantrummed a lot, very stubborn, a biter, very emotional, shy and grumpy. I tried all sorts of reward schemes and time outs, nothing seemed to work at the time and i often felt i was getting nowhere, i know that various family members thought i was actually too soft with him he was so hard to handle at times! However, i now realise that there was a delayed reaction, even if he was not able to comply with discipline he at least learned right from wrong and internalised what was expected of him. I started to notice this when he was an older teen and started apologising without prompting for bad behaviour, later he was able to nip his behaviour in the bud and modify his responses to situations that would have caused him to react badly in the past. He has ended up joining the armed forces and so far is coping with the iron discipline and strict routine, i will be a bit annoyed if anyone puts his transformation down to his job when i know it was the ground work i laid down. I suppose what i am trying to say is that consistent discipline is worth doing even if it seems like it is not working, just make sure you keep it simple and don't sweat the small stuff too much.

Oh and OP, I don't think you sound too strict.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 13:13

Wasn't at all Kerala - just think you are judging other people's choices.

I am sure the baby turned out OK.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 13:14

So , when I said ' there you go ,I meant, 'there's a classic example'

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 13:20

Oh yes I judged that choice alright. Purposely not feeding a new born because of a method in a book? I did say gently at the time I thought it was meant for older babies and she was starting abit young. It was really upsetting tbh we had to leave.

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 13:24

It's hard when you see a friend making an error. I was thrilled my newborn slept through the night on her first night alive, the paedtrician on her morning rounds was horrified and put her on a strict 2 hour feed regime as she was dehydrated - I didn't know newborns weren't meant to sleep that long.. Parents don't always know best esp first time ones.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 13:29

I think that's a rather extreme example compared to someone choosing to sue a vey gentle method of time out.

As for the feeding, different strokes for different folks. Some pole need , and thrive on, routines. Some people feel utterly at sea when they have a newborn and need some advice. Some babies are put (often SCB by midwives!) into routines of feeding from the minute they are born and thrive. I am assuming when you judged your friend that you knew how long it was since the baby had last fed.

People questioning , querying and judging is what leads to the most anxiety in parents!

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 13:30

sue = use
pole = people !

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 13:31

And Kerala, had you read a book you might have known that newborns shouldn't sleep that long??

metalmum15 · 14/04/2017 13:38

Some real nit-picking at OP here. Surely it's her choice how to parent her children, whether that's time out, consequences, reward charts or just leaving them to get on with it (have tried all methods at some point, some work, some don't ). The main issue is that PIL seem to think it's their right to pull OP up on her parenting, and basically it isn't. As long as the children are cared for and not abused, nobody else has the right to tell her how to bring up her children. I often disagree with how friends /family raise their children, but would never dream of telling them as it really isn't any of my business! I'm lucky that parents and inlaws let us get on with it, but if they did stick their noses in they'd soon regret it.

I can't believe someone would look at a picture of a baby and declare them the spawn of the devil. Incredibly rude! Second children are often very different to the first.( DD1 was an angel, we could never understand when other people went on about terrible two's. Then DD2 came along and right from the start was completely different, stubborn and feisty. As a toddler she liked nothing better than to throw herself down on the floor while out shopping! )

(By the way OP, I got caught munching on cigarettes when I was about 5. Convinced my mum to give up smoking for good 😉)

metalmum15 · 14/04/2017 13:38

Some real nit-picking at OP here. Surely it's her choice how to parent her children, whether that's time out, consequences, reward charts or just leaving them to get on with it (have tried all methods at some point, some work, some don't ). The main issue is that PIL seem to think it's their right to pull OP up on her parenting, and basically it isn't. As long as the children are cared for and not abused, nobody else has the right to tell her how to bring up her children. I often disagree with how friends /family raise their children, but would never dream of telling them as it really isn't any of my business! I'm lucky that parents and inlaws let us get on with it, but if they did stick their noses in they'd soon regret it.

I can't believe someone would look at a picture of a baby and declare them the spawn of the devil. Incredibly rude! Second children are often very different to the first.( DD1 was an angel, we could never understand when other people went on about terrible two's. Then DD2 came along and right from the start was completely different, stubborn and feisty. As a toddler she liked nothing better than to throw herself down on the floor while out shopping! )

(By the way OP, I got caught munching on cigarettes when I was about 5. Convinced my mum to give up smoking for good 😉)

Headofthehive55 · 14/04/2017 13:41

Exactly! I do not want fighting every time we sit down. Which would happen. Certain children do not sit next to others. So when we went for a meal the other night we all file in nicely, and all know where we sit.