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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel infuriated by my in laws

181 replies

SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 09:41

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 14/04/2017 10:30

Similar stories of them drinking alcohol also. Maybe it's me that's the problem but I would be mortified if my toddler downed the odd glass of brandy.

Mine mineswept drops of champagne on her first birthday and has helped her dad make (and taste) beer since she could stand.

You need To lighten up

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:31

You do things differently fro them and they take that as a criticism.

You've hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 14/04/2017 10:31

Haven't spotted how your other half feels about this parenting,OP. Or is it just you that decides?

I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child, not just a mother.

Huldra · 14/04/2017 10:31

I agree with whoever said they sound tedious. Like those annoying fuckers who look over your shoulder whilst you're typing, then start saying no E E, no backspace, click there, no click there, I don't hold my mouse like that.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:31

Each to their own titty

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:32

TittyGolightly:

I've never understood that expression really. What does it mean to you?

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 10:32

Do they ever look after her by themselves? What do they do if she transgresses??

My MIL thought I was too strict, too. Its galling,especially of they only see them for fun times when they are 100% occupied and entertained...

SecretNetter · 14/04/2017 10:32

Similar stories of them drinking alcohol also. Maybe it's me that's the problem but I would be mortified if my toddler downed the odd glass of brandy

Of course you would be now. In 20 years, probably not so much.

Brokenbiscuit · 14/04/2017 10:33

I can see where your PILs are coming from, as I don't really like the whole time-out style of parenting and you do sound very ott with the thing about your dc pulling herself along the floor. I also think that you sound a little smug about your parenting, and they may find this irritating. However, they definitely shouldn't label your younger dc, even in jest, and they shouldn't interfere with your approach to discipline either, even if they think you're wrong - ultimately, you're the parent, so yanbu to be annoyed with their judgemental comments.

A lot of our children's behaviour really is down to good luck though. My dd (now 11) has always been impeccably behaved - model pupil in school, helpful little angel at home. However, I am well aware that this is down to her temperament rather than anything her dad and I have done. No time-outs, punishments or rewards here. No strict routines, either. I think she'd have been an "easy" child no matter what we did - some kids just are.

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2017 10:34

You parent your children your way. They don't have to agree with it. One day you may understand how they feel if your children reject your parenting methods or tell you how much they hated it when you did x/y/z.

Your in laws would be wise to keep their mouths shut. You could maybe respect their views a little by not being quite so strict in their house. And yy to not labelling your youngest as the naughty one.

Bloggybollocks · 14/04/2017 10:35

Aha, so it's a massive dripfeed thread? Slowly dropping more and more negative in law traits so everyone comes round to your way of thinking.....
Seriously, if you have the utmost faith in your parenting, if you sincerely believe that you're doing everything right then why are you asking for justification on an Internet forum? Because that's what you're doing 'please tell me I'm right and my in laws are wrong'.....
You may not shout op, but picking her up on every single misdemeanour is also very negative and damaging too.

redshoeblueshoe · 14/04/2017 10:36

sofia You sound like you are doing a great job.
When my dd was a toddler I disciplined her in front of my DF.
He told me off.
It was a very valuable lesson to me.
I decided on the spot that I would never interfere if I had GC.
Now I have GC I don't interfere. Grin And my DC appreciate that.
HTH Flowers

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:37

I don't mean to sound smug. As I said, what works for one won't work for another but my methods have worked with DC1 no doubt down to a degree of luck.

I have never seen another parent use timeouts how I do and I don't like how I see them being used but my daughter actually likes them and from a young age would happily go and sit down when I'd ask her too. Hence the reason it has worked for us. I think she likes that breather when her emotions get a bit much. It works for us, I don't expect it would for everyone and I will most probably parent DD2 entirely differently. I've never passed judgement on how PIL raised their children but it frustrates me when they are so judgemental of me yet they most certainly weren't whiter than white.

OP posts:
Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/04/2017 10:40

You don't sound smug at all, OP.

You do things differently fro them and they take that as a criticism.

Think this applies to some people on this thread.

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 10:41

We have friends who were over strict with their toddlers. It can be quite upsetting to watch a small child being berated aggressively by a super nanny wannabe when they are just being normal toddlers, even more so if they are your grandchildren I would imagine.

Timeout was an ultimate punishment for us - used only if you intentionally hurt someone or for outright defiance. I have only used it a handful of times - when dd2 was in a biting stage. A friend had exactly the same parenting style as me again she used timeout only when her toddler Dd hit. We both have 2 girls each and all are acknowledged to be extremely well behaved (older now) so our approach had good results.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:41

To all those saying that I'm too strict or pick her up for every misdemeanour, that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm relaxed but have a handful of rules. One thing I think is important is to not have too many rules that can easily be followed. My daughter knows if she breaks a rule. She'll have a quick time out and then a chat and cuddle, always finished with "I love you". That's how I do things. Certainly not strict.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 14/04/2017 10:43

I've never understood that expression really. What does it mean to you?

It means we consider the knowledge and experience of others close to us in working out how to navigate parenting.

CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 10:45

Trifle, the African proverb has a pretty obvious meaning. A child flourishes most when it is exposed to a wide variety of carers, a neighbourhood of love and a community of support and different attitudes.

I am the very opposite of the OP- very relaxed and laid back and I let my child run wild. His clothes are never clean for more than a couple of minutes once they are on. He has had a Montessori floor bed since he was tiny, we let him play with sharp things and didn't baby proof our house other than to remove choking hazards. He’s thriving. He’s naughty because he tests boundaries but we are all learning from each other. Most of all he is an enthusiastic bundle of fun and unbridled joy. My in-laws are incredibly uptight and think I am borderline neglectful. They think I need to dampen him down a bit and make him more compliant. Their shrill and panicky approach to him really angers me, but in some ways they make me stop and think- and I do tighten up my discipline a bit once I've had a visit from them. It takes all sorts of approaches. We’re never going to get it right all of the time, but adopt a wide variety of approaches and some of it will hopefully work. I think the OP could learn from listening to what they say rather than being defensive about it being an attack on her parenting method. So what if it is?- they might have something to contribute. No child is an island, and no parent should be either IMO.

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 10:46

You seem to use time out a lot. To me that's over strict. What's your punishment if she does something really wrong i.e. wallops someone if you are sending a toddler out of a room (to me a big deal) for breaking one of your rules?

Bluetrews25 · 14/04/2017 10:47

Sofia you sound like a great parent, and I would be happy to be around you and your well-behaved daughters. It sounds like you let them play and have fun, but have shown them where the boundaries are. It helps if you do this from early days.
PILs are idiots.
They are probably taking your different parenting style (from theirs) as a criticism. Let them.
You are being a parent to your DCs, not just an admiring audience. There's a huge difference.

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:47

CardinalCat:

The meaning is clear enough. The implications not so much.

Wando1986 · 14/04/2017 10:47

"For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards."

I'd have been joining in with her tbh. You sound very OTT Op.

Maybe live a little instead of pulling up your daughter for any little thing you might not deem appropriate. At 3 that is totally appropriate, and funny. I would've just laughed and asked her to 'stop being a silly sausage' and distracted her.

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:49

CardinalCat:

And to be honest, there is no room in my village for anyone who lets their toddler play with sharp things. I mean, why?

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:49

Again, people no doubt won't believe this but she hasn't hit another child. Down to nature more than anything else. She's ca and pleasing in her nature so has been a very easy child to parent but then I've always been calm with her, explained things and talked about feelings etc. I've already said that says at a time go past with no time outs so I'm not sure how I seem to use time out a lot

OP posts:
BeyondThePage · 14/04/2017 10:50

I think the trouble is the terminology you are using in the opening thread sounds very controlling.
(e.g. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow)

a. you are calling them out on their parenting skills - I presume you DH was raised nicely enough for you to actually want to marry him.
b. with the nicest will in the world, you do sound a little smug.

This child behaves well, the next may not - it is totally a lottery. Yes we all try hard to raise our kids to be nice, to behave well - but we also try to make sure there is a tolerance and celebration of childishness - since they are children.

Being well behaved and being blindly compliant are 2 different things with a very fine line between them - you think you are on the well behaved side of the line, the PIL think you are on the other. Perhaps unclench a bit around them?