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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel infuriated by my in laws

181 replies

SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 09:41

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

OP posts:
User2005103 · 14/04/2017 10:07

I genuinely think you sound like a brilliant parent OP, who will hopefully raise well mannered, polite and thoughtful children.

I don't think it sounds extreme at all. Too many parents let their children do exactly as they please, with no consequences, hence why the next generation is in the state it's in.

Your IL's would drive me insane, it's got absolutely nothing to do with them how YOU parent your children. Ignore them & carry on. I would hope your DH stick up for you too.

babyinarms · 14/04/2017 10:08

You should be able to parent your kids how you see fit ( as long as it's loving and not abusive, I may add)
Your inlaws sound infuriating ! I used time out and I also used star chats and rewards and a rake of other methods over the years with my dcs.
You are doing nothing wrong and I really think an 11 month old should be an 11 month old....mischievous and curious. Your Mil comment read ' spawn of the devil' is unforgivable, even If said in jest !
I've found over the years that not everyone will agree with your parenting style. We're all doing our best with so many conflicting bits of advice from all the so called experts ! We put ourselves under enormous pressure to be the ' perfect parent'....really, there is no such thing !
I did find that staying calm and explaining to my dc what they did wrong and why, ( eg: how it make me feel/ their friend feel etc?) And tapping into their empathy has worked as my dcs get older and their understanding improve's.
I used timeouts at 3 years old with good effect. It gave me time and the child time to calm down. In addition I would definitely tap into their empathy from an early age and explain that what they did made you feel.... sad/ angry / upset etc..... but also when they are being good explain that that makes you feel happy/ proud/ loved etc.
Good luck. Flowers

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:08

Nothing wrong with time-outs at all. They are not cruel or even a punishment, just time to calm down.

HappyFlappy · 14/04/2017 10:08

their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil

Jest or not, I would be furious about this - and I would expect in-laws ro defend their granddaughter too!

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:08

hesterton one thing I've always said is that you need to give your children the confidence they need to be well behaved. So telling them how good they are, how nice they are, how kind they are. I use positive reinforcement continually and find it more effective than discipline, although they work best in conjunction with one another.

OP posts:
LucyFuckingPevensie · 14/04/2017 10:09

Op, I think you sound a bit harsh too.
Sorry. Maybe your not, it's just the vibe I get off your op.
Yes, it is totally up to you how you decide to bring up your dc, but your in laws are also part of your dc life and although they have no say in your approaches, they have a right to an opinion. Maybe they're just looking a your dd thinking ffs just give her a break.
If you don't like the comments about dd2 you should say something, no point in it getting to the point where you're really angry. It's the sort of thing that was said about my dt1, mostly by me though so I suppose that's ok.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/04/2017 10:10

The example you gave is ridiculous, it's not her fault you were rushing, it's not her fault you put her in a white dress. You essentially punished her for YOUR mistakes and poor time keeping

Calm down BloggyBollocks. Asking a child to get up from the floor is not 'punishing' her. You're overreacting.

SecretNetter · 14/04/2017 10:14

I must say as well op...but something about the way you asked her to get up sounds...off.

Asking your dc nicely and with impeccable politeness to do xyz all the time can be incredibly trying to listen to...I have a friend like this and her constant stream of 'darling would you please' and 'sweetheart, can you please' gets right on my last nerve.

I think mine would have had an 'up please, we need to leave' comment.

Do your ILs think you're harsh because you maybe move too quickly from a 'sweetie, please would you' indirect type comment to a time out?

LucyFuckingPevensie · 14/04/2017 10:14

Just to clarify, by the right to an opinion, I don't mean it's ok to roll their eyes at you. Obviously that's not ok, and yes maybe they should keep their opinions to themselves. However, maybe they just want their granddaughter to be able to able to play around and be silly.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/04/2017 10:15

Be very careful with time out it can be used against you. Friends dd knew if she was naughty she would be put in time out so would wait until friend was rushing them out the door then do something naughty and put herself in time out and sit on the staircase until she had done her 6 minutes. Meaning friend was late for work/missed her train etc.

I think your in-laws are just trying to forewarn you.
A friend much the same as you would look at my parenting and think what a bad parent I was and would offer different suggestions as to how to keep my 2 in order. She had one dd at the time
She then had a second and her life imploded. She actually confided in me what she had thought of my parenting but now realised she was in the same boat. Sometimes children don't listen to you ever you have been lucky so far but don't get smug.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:15

People no doubt will say this isn't true but I can assure you it is. I have never ever raised my voice at my children. My mum shouted at me all the time growing up (an insane amount) and I can't bare it. So to those saying I'm harsh, I can assure you I'm not. People always say how calm a parent I am (other than my inlaws) so I can assure you, harsh is probably the last word you'd use to describe me if you knew me.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 14/04/2017 10:16

I deal with the issues that star charts and time outs have on those coming into the workforce. They're all wrong for human motivation and set ridiculous expectations.

happypoobum · 14/04/2017 10:17

Right, well we all parent differently, and what OP describes sounds within the bands of "normal, good parenting" to me. I think it's distracting to comment on whether or not posters agree with using "time out" or not.

I would be really upset if my PILS made a comment about my child being "the spawn of Satan" - from a photo FFS?

You know what OP, they are deliberately winding you up. They see you as a bit if an uptight stuffed shirt and they are enjoying all of this.

I would see less of them, tell them little, and when they do things that annoy you, either ignore them or laugh in their faces.

The more they see you are feeling criticised, the more they will do it.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:18

Maybe you'll understand better if I tell you the inlaws joke about "that time they caught their eldest eating a pack of cigarettes". That's the sort of thing their kids got up to and they certainly aren't embarrassed about it. It's a story told told very regularly.

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 10:23

I don't agree with your parenting style but it is entirely yours to decide upon and to implement as you see fit for your children. They should not try to undermine it or you. They sound really annoying and subversive and I would be annoyed too.

I think, however, that you are going to have to suck it up to a degree. This comes with the territory with some in-laws and the more you react, the more they're gong to wind you up. And, annoying as it is to admit to yourself, consider whether there is an element of truth in a small amount of what they say.

SecretNetter · 14/04/2017 10:23

I don't think that's an awful or neglectful story tbh op...especially considering that when their kids were little, cigarettes weren't nearly the taboo they are now around dc. Akin to an 'eating the cat food' type story IMO...

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/04/2017 10:23

I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this

FGS ... had they been laughing whilst she got out all the kitchen knives to throw around I could understand but she was rolling around on a floor , a perfectly normal and safe toddler activity and you seem to be annoyed at them for deeming this behaviour acceptable and even finding it amusing.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:24

We're talking 20 years ago. I think people knew the dangers 20 years ago.

OP posts:
Bloggybollocks · 14/04/2017 10:25

Agreed secret, what's wrong with the eating cigarettes story op? My son ate dog biscuits once, I'm not embarrassed by that because it's not terrible or naughty behaviour and he certainly wasn't punished for it.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:27

Similar stories of them drinking alcohol also. Maybe it's me that's the problem but I would be mortified if my toddler downed the odd glass of brandy.

OP posts:
Foslady · 14/04/2017 10:27

Every child is different - if what you are doing works and is not physically or psychologically damaging or done for a cruel kick then what is the issue? I started off with time out when dd was preschool and knew the difference between right and wrong and then adapted to more suitable as she grew older.
Sounds as if what you're doing is working so far, and if it stops working you move on.
And I'd have gone bat shit at the devils spawn comment

TheFirstMrsDV · 14/04/2017 10:28

You do things differently fro them and they take that as a criticism.

They are your kids and it sounds as if you are more than happy with your own parenting.
You will have to ignore them.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:29

Thank you foslady

I totally agree with adapting styles that prove ineffective. At the moment, it's all working great and the time outs definitely working in a positive way. If that stopped being the case, I would adapt it.

OP posts: