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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel infuriated by my in laws

181 replies

SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 09:41

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/04/2017 10:51

I don't think you sound too harsh at all! You've found a way that works for your daughter and for you.

I doubt there's much you can do except limit how much you see your ILs and don't let them have time alone with the children until they're older.

KERALA1 · 14/04/2017 10:53

"I will use timeout for anything that she does that she shouldn't have done" you said. Hence my comments on overuse of that.

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:54

This child behaves well, the next may not - it is totally a lottery.

It is NOT a lottery. Parenting is something that can be done well or badly. It is part of the very modern, flawed vision of parenting that you should just 'go with the flow' and you will either get a well-mannered, reasonably obedient child or a wild, entitled little shit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/04/2017 10:54

Calm and pleasing.

All the things you want for your dd to grow up to be.

Just no

SecretNetter · 14/04/2017 10:55

So what sorts of things does she go on timeout for then?

We dabbled with timeouts during toddler years but only for what I'd call serious things that really required them thinking about their behaviour. Kicking the cat was one. Ds1 purposely throwing ds2's ball over the fence was another.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 14/04/2017 10:56

I totally am in favour of time outs. We used time outs with dd1 (6yo now) and honestly, it gives everyone a chance to calm down and think about what has happened and how to go forward. 2 minutes was enough. It's not a bad thing to teach children to walk away from a stressful/dangerous situation, think about it and come back and resolve it. We haven't had to use time out for years now.
WRT in-laws I would definitely say that she's my daughter and I will raise her how I see fit. Don't undermine me or criticise my parenting skills, it's rude and mean.
There's a reason your daughter is so well behaved, yes part of it is because of her personality, but it's also because you're doing something right!!

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 10:56

TittyGolightly:

'Consider the knowledge and experience of others' - erm, of course. Why not? That is a far cry from accepting their view over your own, isn't it? What do you actually mean?

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:56

Point taken beyond about the way I've worded my op.

All I meant by that was that I draw the line somewhere before the inlaws would. I've always just tried to teach about boundaries so that DD knows that some behaviours are totally okay in some environments but wouldn't necasserily be in all environments.

I don't feel smug in any way. Luckily, things have worked well thus far with DD1 but no guarantees they will continue to. Likewise, no guarantees they will with DD2.

OP posts:
Frillyhorseyknickers · 14/04/2017 10:58

There are a generation of people who think it's acceptable to have an opinion on something just because they went through the same process, 30 odd years ago.

They are your children, parent them how you see fit and tell your in laws to fuck off. Or probably get your DH to tell them to fuck off.

People and their opinions sometimes are just not helpful.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 10:58

Here's a suggestion : let your DD1 be naughty around them and see what they do. I bet they themselves do absolutely nothing to do and then tut about your new parenting technique. You are almost certainly in a no win situation.

They just sound like judgmental types who should keep their thoughts to themselves to be frank.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 10:59

Pleasing in the sense that she loves the positive reinforcement she gets for good behaviour so would rather behave well than misbehave. What's so wrong with that?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 14/04/2017 10:59

However good your parenting methods they will work more easily with some children than others Trifle. And on some children any given technique may worsen behaviour.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 14/04/2017 11:00

Oh if it makes you feel better I was told I was "way too hard" on my daughter (6) for asking her to clean up a drink that she spilled, and then asking her not to do it with a tea towel. Yep, apparently I'm a bitch of a mother. Grin
Why is there some weird thing against expecting your children to behave well these days? Explains a lot though...

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 11:00

Surely most children like to please their parents and get a pat on the back? I'm sure the same applies to most grown ups. It's a good feeling to do something well and to be recognised for it.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 11:00

And children's behaviour is absolutely not a lottery! Why one earth would anyone bother to parent at all if that were the case??

BeyondThePage · 14/04/2017 11:01

It is NOT a lottery. Parenting is something that can be done well or badly

yes, I agree with that second sentence - but a good parent does not always mean a well behaved child, good parents CAN still end up with "entitled little shits" as you so eloquently put it.

Both my kids are well behaved, polite, top of the class kids - and I am under no illusion that MOST of that is due to their nature/genetic make up and their environment, with some minor amount of it due to the hard work we have put in as parents. They have both been pleasant kids from birth though - allowing us to be smug and think we are doing well as parents, when really they would probably have been great no matter who raised them (in the same semi-affluent circumstances as us).

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 11:01

OP, you are taking a rather unfair roasting here! Of course it is reasonable to be fairly strict with your 3 year old, and to encourage and expect her to do as you ask, along with offering lots of love and attention. I think you have inadvertently tapped into a pocket of 'gentle parenting'. Ignore it, you are doing an excellent job and will more likely end up with two gorgeous, well-behaved children.

CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 11:02

Trifle, you don't sound very open to other peoples' views. It's a shame, we have so much to learn from others.

And as for sharp objects, it is just an example really, but the overall approach is about how children learn about danger, judge safety, and measure risk.

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 11:02

BeyondThePage:

I am not so sure good parents can end up with wild, entitled little shits, unless there is some other factor at play than their own parenting. Children learn from how they are treated and the consequences of what they try out.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 11:03

Oh Beyond that is just nonsense stealth boasting.

There are some children who are wonderful despite poor parenting. They are rare treasures. There are also some little shits despite good parenting. But they'd be even worse without it.

Come on now.

Original poster
SofiaG123 · 14/04/2017 11:03

Thank you trifleorbust

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 11:03

CardinalCat:

I am absolutely not open to the view that anyone in my village is allowed to offer my DD sharp items to play with.

Brokenbiscuit · 14/04/2017 11:05

Pleasing in the sense that she loves the positive reinforcement she gets for good behaviour so would rather behave well than misbehave. What's so wrong with that?

Personally, I'd rather see intrinsic motivation in my dd rather than extrinsic. I'd rather that she does the right thing because it's the right thing, and not because she wants a pat on the back from me. This is why I've never been a fan of rewards and punishments.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 11:06

A lot (not all !) of grandparents can only see their grandchildren through rose tinted spectacles . They cluck and aw at things they would have sanctioned in their won children. It's easy when you can give them back! As many of them actually say, indeed.

I think that may well be at play here.

If your 'discipline style' wasn't working you would have a noticeably unhappy and truculent child.

There was an episode of Supernanny once which allowed a father to see he overdisciplined his children. It was very interesting - he did use time out at the drop of a hat. But the children were very unhappy and whiny and didn't sleep.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 14/04/2017 11:07

At the age of three Broken ? Really? I'm not sure child psychologists would agree that's a thing....

Intrinsic motivation is a marvellous thing - but it actually needs to be taught...