To feel infuriated by my in laws

[SofiaG123]

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

Labeling is very dangerous though. My eldest was 'a good boy'. My second was not. I insisted DS2 was good, I told him, in told relatives, I told the school. He is chatty and independent and mischievous but he is a good boy.
He struggles being compared to his brother, but no way was he being labeled naughty and then living up to the label.

Your chosen method of discipline is up to you. Labeling children is sloppy and potentially very damaging.

BarbarianMum:

Of course, but the OP has fully recognised the need to adapt the parenting to the child. It is nonsense to say it is a lottery. There are children who respond better than others to certain techniques, but all children respond better to consistency and boundaries than they do to being offered inappropriate licence to do what they want at 3!

Ah I see the ante is being upped now and the ILs being painted worse with every post ......drip.....drip.....drip.

brokenbiscuit she doesn't do the right thing for the pat on the back but enjoys the pat on the back when it comes along. I've taught her about why it's important to be kind to others etc. She's get satisfaction from that alone.

I agree with Beyond. We've tried very hard to be good parents to dd, but we're also well aware that we have been incredibly lucky with her temperament and disposition.

My friend is an excellent parent, whose older dd is a model child. Unfortunately, her second child has gone off the rails a bit at the moment and is really pushing the boundaries. I don't think that it's anything that my friend has or hasn't done. Just a different child with a very different personality. Hopefully, she'll find her way back to the right track in due course.

Hmm, got a few splinters to extract from my arse here.

Your ILs sound intensely annoying and their labelling of dd2 extremely grating.

But I agree with PPs that you ound controlling, leading towards the authoritarian, and rather pleased with yourself over your parenting. Some kids don't bend to 'won't allow'.

I'm with Oliversmumsarmy about the 'pleasing' thing. I want to teach my dc to be considerate of others, but not to please. Especially not my dd. And sorry, but I wouldn't be restricting her movement and play for the sake of presenting her to family arrayed in a white dress. Bad message for a girl to receive.

Leaning, not leading. FFS.

humbug - OP's last several posts have been about her child and herself and in response to posters. I cannot see the drip feeding you are so venomously pointing out at all here.

OP, there are plenty of ways of being harsh that do not include raising one's voice. Quite honestly, you seem to have found some. And on top of that, you sound inflexible. Is that the parent you want to be? Is that the person you want to be?

Unfortunately, her second child has gone off the rails a bit at the moment and is really pushing the boundaries. I don't think that it's anything that my friend has or hasn't done. Just a different child with a very different personality. Hopefully, she'll find her way back to the right track in due course

But their good parenting will mean there is a far higher chance that they will restore the situation!

Some kids don't bend to 'won't allow'.

It isn't whether they 'bend' or not - it is whether you allow it or not. At 3 a child has the leeway you allow them and not more. There is nothing wrong with allowing them considerable leeway, but when you believe your toddler to be in charge there is something very wrong indeed.

I find the style of parenting that the Original Poster describes very mannered and lacking in spontaneity. It's a real performance

In my head it goes like this

• First of all I am going to isolate you briefly.
• Second I am going to tell you about all the wrong things you have done.
• Third, because I want to feel good about myself I am going to say 'I love you' - so that I can feel like a caring parent.

For me, it's simpler I'd just say.
'Oh for heaven's sake Elinor's Daughter, just get off that floor because today you're wearing a white dress.'
(Repeat if necessary, possibly at slightly higher volume and/or with assistance in getting off floor.)
And that's that.

But whether OP's methodologies meet mumsnet's her PILs 'approval' is actually beside the point.

As a PP said, unless OP is actually causing harm to her child they should keep their beaks out.

On another thread your DH would be getting a bashing by now and you'd be told to go NC!

Intrinsic motivation is a marvellous thing - but it actually needs to be taught...

Yes, indeed. And personally, I feel that rewarding and punishing tends to get in the way of teaching this.

What would you suggest schools do with your children Broken ???

ethyl I think my op didn't come across as intended. I love watching them having fun, being silly and being kids. I just have a few house rules and DD knows that she'll have a timeout (normally 1-2 minutes) if she breaks the rules. Rarely happens though to be honest. Really baffled as to what is harsh about that?

Elinor - your method. May not work for all.

Yes, first time parents can get a bit 'mannered'. One needs to start somewhere!

There are so many people on this thread assuming their method is the right one!

To other ears yours could sound rather bleating and ineffectual... and far too much reasoning with a 3 year old!

Sofia - it's honestly not harsh. Three minutes would actually be the recommended amount of time, so , by timeout 'rules' you are being a big softie.

Buggy this isn't even my post and you are so out of order and rude!

Children learn from how they are treated and the consequences of what they try out.

Actually, children learn most from what l their careers model to them and their consequences (i.e. by making sure you say please and thank you they will learn without you having to demand it) and what they learn through play and exploration. Rely entirely on teaching and reward/punishment and you'll end up with issues.

OP SofiaG I think you're getting a hard time very unnecessarily here I agree with you're saying in your posts and people seem to be going out of their wasy to find fault in everything you say! You can't seem to Win whatever you do say!

What would you suggest schools do with your children Broken ???

Thankfully, schools have never had to punish my dd, Beans, though she has certainly had her fair share of rewards.

I do think schools have to enforce behavioural rules for the sake of the other children, and some sanctions are therefore inevitable. However, my preference would always be to emphasise the natural consequences of a child's behaviour, rather than applying punishments or rewards just for the sake of it.

I do realise that my opinion on rewards and punishments might be very different if I had a more challenging child who was constantly pushing the boundaries...but that's kind of my point. Some kids will behave no matter what you do, so congratulating ourselves on our successful parenting is rather misplaced.

Most businesses and schools fuck up by doing what science knows to be wrong, motivation-wise. Good = reward bad = punishment is very damaging and over time impacts in less productivity/achievement/happiness.

It actually sets the same biological/mental processes going as becoming a drug addict.

Same question the Titty - what would you suggest schools (not businesses) do??

YABU for using timeouts particularly with children who are so young and do not have fully developed impulse control and the ability to think through decisions before they make them.