To feel infuriated by my in laws

[SofiaG123]

Backstory is that my inlaws don't see eye to eye with me or how I parent. I operate a timeout system with DD(3) which is used calmly and I will tell her to go for a timeout for anything she does that she shouldn't have done. I try to make these a positive thing rather than a negative. A chance for her to think about the situation and what she's done, followed by a quick chat with me, a cuddle and then she carries on with her day.

When she was younger, there were countless tuts, rolls of the eyes etc from my inlaws when I told her to go for a timeout. They question my husband and I constantly. Said things like "you forget you were children once" etc etc. Low & behold we have a very well behaved 3 year old. Of course she has her moments but on the whole, she is really great. They tell us it's down to luck and not down to our parenting. I'm sure they are right to a degree but I'm sure that how we've raised her will have impacted this substantially.

We now have a nearly one year old also. She is different in nature to our first. A little more stubborn. Take something away from her and she'll get stroppy (perfectly normal at that age I'd have thought). The rest of the time, shes relaxed and chilled out.

According to MIL & FIL, she's going to be trouble. Our techniques won't work with her. They said their friend looked at a picture of her and said she's like the spawn of the devil (all said in jest). They are waiting for her to misbehave, almost desperate for her to misbehave just to prove their point that I'm not a good mother. That's how I feel. They think I'm hard on my daughter. I'm genuinely not hard on her at all, I never raise my voice at her. My approach is calm. I do not, however, allow the behaviours that my PIL would allow, that they deem "just kids being kids". For example, once at their house, she was lying on the floor, dragging herself along the wooden floor boards. They were in hysterics about this and thought I was unreasonable for asking her to stand up. Silly little things like that.

I just hate the way they are willing my youngest on to be disobedient. I feel frustrated that they're saying I won't be able to parent her effectively. Am I being out of order here. Not going to lie, my maternal instinct is making me feel majorly protective over my youngest here. She's 11 months old - give her a break and let her grow up without tarring her with this negative brush.

Sorry, needed to vent!

TittyGolightly:

Well, yes, of course modelling is important to learning (it is one of the first things a teaching qualification looks into). I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But cause/consequence of actions is an equally important concept and, when I trained anyway (not that long ago), was considered by education professionals to be so. Children will respond to positive/negative consequences before they develop an intrinsic motivation to, say, keep their room tidy or be quiet because Mummy is on the phone to 111. Similarly, you can model being quiet or still but you can't model judgement on when quiet and still is necessary. For that you need to rely on adult judgement and the child needs to be taught to trust adult judgement in order to be safe.

I think I was lucky. But also that I think parenting works better if one is essentially oneself - rather than driven by methods or theories.

I have brought up three children - one of who was more challenging. So I'd lose it with him sometimes, particularly as he got older. But I think he was someone who needed to push things to the limit to realise he'd gone too far. If that made sense.

They have all survived. As have my partner and I.

I had a child with raging colic - I was in utter despair until some methods and theories came to my rescue Elinor. Not everyone has your self confidence and some people like to read a range of theories, find a few things out and then find one that works well for them. 'Just do what you feel is right' was the most useless piece of advice I was given!

That is, after all, why experts over time have come up with theories and strategies!

ILikeBeans .....that was in response to a reply from OP after my previous post saying I thought it was ott to be annoyed at DGPs for being amused by and allowing DGD to roll along the floor. When a few people had said they saw nothing wrong with this then the 'eating cigarettes twenty years ago' story the ILs still tell in jest , was wheeled out. Then a few people said oh fgs many people tell funny stories about their DCs mishaps etc even if they showcase moments of less than perfect parenting. Then the OP said yes but there's the 'similar' alcohol story. .... I had been for breakfast and the thread had moved on and I forgot to refresh it .........but anyways that's what I was referring to . Hardly venomous either - all I said was the ante had been upped against the ILs and 'drip drip drip'

I often tell the tale of the day my DS rolled down the stairs top to bottom because of a momentary misunderstanding of whose 'watch' it was when one of us had gone to the loo. He wasn't hurt and he just rolled down in a perfect ball ,stood up and toddled off - that is the 'amusing ' part I tell . Doesn't mean I am proud of it or I don't realise what terrible other outcomes there could've been etc. but still...it happened.

I'm totally expecting to change my methods with DD2. I have lots of nieces and nephews and see how individual they all are. I don't see parenting as something you can master after one child or even after 10 children. They are all different. I just hate how they label her. It really saddens me. Actually angers me in all honesty.

Sofia- what you've already said above, is perfect to say to pil next time they say anything. Use a very steely look and controlled tone of voice.

You could add 'I'm not so stupid to think all children are the same' as the opening sentence...

I think physical problems are one of the few occasions when books and gurus are useful.

I am very glad that I brought up children in a pre-Internet era. While I find Mumsnet fascinating, I think the proliferation of competing experts and theories - and the arguments which rage around - have essentially made parenting a more stressful and anxious business.

Righto humbug - well the dripfeeding seems to have stopped now.

I could be parent of the millennium ( fat chance) and I'd still be "grumpy, awkward, unkind and moody" in my in laws' eyes.
Yes those were the words I heard used to describe myself as they sat eating a beautiful meal I'd cooked them in our house, whilst struggling with chronic anaemia and exhaustion following the birth of my second child. They then followed it up within"still with dinners like this we can see why you're still together." I kid you not.

Nothing good about our children, achievements and attributes as a family etc is ever acknowledged to me at all I'm just the bearer of grandchildren.

Just try to rise above it, I've learned there is no point trying to make a silk purse out of sow's ear.

Whatever you do there will be something: bedtimes, health and safety, freedom, education, social activities holidays, discipline, names, formula or breastfeeding so just stick to what works for you and your family.

I did too Elinor : there were plenty of books!

And lots of people would tell you colic isn't physical and give me enormous lectures about the strategies I adopted including my MIL

Plus ca change!

I never intended to drip feed. There is a decade worth of background and I felt my op was pretty long so I didn't add anything else. Maybe I should have. Apologies for that.

I do agree the internet can add to the anxiety and conflicting advice, though!

I have to say that I find parents who think their well behaved children are down to their wonderful parenting incredibly smug and annoying. So for this reason alone I'd also be hoping that your 1 year old was a nightmare!

Redsky I've already said that her good behaviour is largely due to her nature most probably. I'd like to think parenting has some impact though.

I'll love DD2 all the same if she's a little terror as some would put it. I'd try to steer her in the right direction, that's all we can do. I'm certainly not smug but if you feel that way then fair enough.

Pleasing in the sense that she loves the positive reinforcement she gets for good behaviour so would rather behave well than misbehave. What's so wrong with that

Think about it when she gets out in the world as she gets older. She has been taught to be a people pleaser. Think of the things people will ask her to do and you are teaching her to not have the power to say no.

Gawd I despise people who say 'let kids be kids!!' These are the parents that allow their kids to grow up to be allllllll kinds of wrong

Before you added the bit about the white dress , you sounded a bit unreasonable. Your PIL are BU, it's none of their business. Discuss it with your DP and do what's best for your family. As mine are growing up into polite, hard working teens, I realise that the little misdemeanours and tantrums along the way were not to be focussed on. Just keep instilling your values calmly and insisting on manners and you'll get there. You know best!

I don't understand why prople feel like they have to judge your parenting style OP.
I totally get what you are saying abokt timeouts. Literally 10min ago DD 3yo was annoyed as she couldn't find a toy, started banging drawers open and close and was beginning to cry. I cery gently said it might be a good idea for her to go sit on the stairs for a moment until she calms down, I added the she was welcome to come back with us when she was done and she could also take books if she wanted. Took her less than a minute to calm down and is now happily playing with her brother.
I imagine that is the kind of time out you are talking about.
What do other posters suggest? Letting the child get frustrated and upset? Stop all activities to look for the lost toy? Bribe them with a snack or another toy?

Oliversmumsarmy/

Sorry, but that is nonsense. Teaching your children that there are some authorities to which they need to pay heed (your own, teachers, the police) isn't teaching them to please others indiscriminately. Let's have some balance and common sense, FGS.

Also remember that the behaviour they show to you is often the worst because they can as they know you love them unconditionally. We would always laugh after a parents evening at school when the teachers were praising our polite and well behaved children. We managed to smile and hold in the laugh until we got in the car as we knew the other side to them but that's ok, they need an outlet when they are growing and learning.

You couldn't be more wrong oliver we have frequent discussions about what's right and wrong and what to do if someone's encouraging her to do something she feels she shouldn't. She's doing well with that. She likes it when I tell her she's done well, surely you'd struggle to find a child who wouldn't respond well to that from a parent that they trust completely.

It is very wrong to label a child anything, especially a really horrible one like spawn of the devil. Tell them to stop saying this.
I agree that your parenting threatens their perceived way of doing things and you should continue to do your best as you see it.
However, may be loosen up a bit.
We parented little ones by avoiding flash points where possible.
We were big on bedtime, had a clear routine bath, story, bed by 7 or 8 depending on age. This means that they were not tired and less likely to be grumpy. Regular meals, no junk, dinner before 5. We avoided white clothes! They can't really be reasoned with until they are at nursery. Simple clear instructions and lots of love works with most preschoolers in my experience.

You should very firmly and politely tell your in-laws that it's none of their business and refuse to even discuss it with them.

With mine, they would be sent to sit on the bottom stair for a few minutes if they were rude to a sibling, disrespected anything in the house etc but only from the age of 3 as I believed that to be the age of reason. prior to 3 I would say a firm NO and distract.

I totally agree with Elinor.

Having well behaved kids is a mix of things. I have seen friends with really challenging kids and because of their good parenting they have turned out really well despite being frankly hellish toddlers.

My sisters and I essentially well behaved as children and wanted to please our parents, Dh was the same so frankly genetics was on our side with having biddable kids. I am not smug.

That said I have seen people blindly following books and techniques on their lovely dc to the children's detriment and it has made me sad. Newborns desperate to feed but being made to "wait" because a lady in a book says, toddler play being disrupted by bossy adults and "time outs".