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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with my son's behaviour

372 replies

Happyhippy45 · 13/04/2017 15:32

He sits beside me for a cuddle. Comes up to me and gives me hugs. He'll sit on my lap (kind of for a laugh as he's too heavy.)
Holds my hand when he's chatting to me.
He's friendly and out going and has always been comfortable and confident and a willing participant in conversations with adults and peers.
TBH he's always been like this.
He's nearly 20.
I had a family member being very disapproving of some of his behaviours because his son of the same age doesn't act like that.
Just wondered if anyone else has a son who behaves like this?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 00:57

You can offer a hand for a hand shake or a high five. I think it is all fine

High five?! I would rather an unsolicited Moi than a high five!

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:19

PyongyangKipperbang I've lived in the USA too, it's much more common there and that is what we told our adopted son when we met people. Rather than hugs and kisses he could just give a high five.

Ceto Not your beeswax is a lovely way of saying, get your beak out, although I prefer get your beak out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 01:29

I am reacting to that as a 43 year old woman who has only ever lived in the Midlands, I can be safely ignored by a 12 year old :)

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 01:30

Sorry, dont why I thought he was 12, think I got that from Ceto's post. Anyway, I think its fine for kids to high five but not ladeeees like me, we are too uptight!

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:40

Speak for yourself, Pyong I am even older than you and every inch a lady! But sometimes a high fiver is nice. It is like the minimal amount of contact one can make, or rather one step up from an air kiss. But as You, I think pointed out, air kisses can go wrong and end up with a kiss in the eye!

DixieNormas · 14/04/2017 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steff13 · 14/04/2017 01:44

I think it's fine. After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.

Grin Just kidding, I think it's fine.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 03:23

I did indeed Italian!

I do have a hatred of the high five, but I suspect that that is my issue and not a societal one! But if it works for your DS then what the hell does my (or any other) opinion matter :)

claraschu · 14/04/2017 03:46

My 19 year old is very affectionate and does all of these things too. There is a slightly jokey, slightly ironic aspect of it, but it is also sincere at the same time. It is lovely, and I feel so lucky that he is like this.

He has always been physically affectionate, and has never been embarrassed by me or his dad.

He is very independent, has had two serious long term girlfriends, is going abroad to university next year, worked very hard in school, and is working very hard and very independently in his gap year. He is lovely, and your son is too, OP.

People in our culture are uncomfortable with men being physically affectionate, and are constantly confusing love with sex. Only little boys are "allowed" to hug and kiss in a non-sexual way, and once they are in their teens, they are supposed to be almost no contact (unless with a sexual partner or in a rugby game). Maybe this is one reason we have so many problems with sexual abuse: men are brought up to think any sort of physical affection is somehow either babyish or sexual, which is completely wrong, and very sad.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/04/2017 04:15

I think he sounds lovely and I hope my boys are the same when they grow to be that age! (currently 9 and 4 and both still very huggy, but they would be at those ages)

I was brought up in a non-close contact family - my mum didn't like hugs, and my Dad and mum had a very "hands-off" relationship. My sister still isn't over fond of hugs. I went to a girls' school where hugging your friends was normal though, and learnt to accept it and inflict it upon my Dad at least, who accepts it too. (Mum no longer alive).
DH is very huggy and the boys take after him - although I love hugs too now! But I did have to say to DH that it was perfectly ok for the boys to want to kiss him, even on the lips, when they were tiny - he was very anti that. He's got over it though and gives them kisses goodnight (not usually on the lips now though, and DS2 won't generally let him kiss him at all because "Daddy is too spiky!")

I'll be very sad if/when they decide they're "too big" for all that. Although I could live without them trying to sit on my lap once they pass 40kg...

CoalTit · 14/04/2017 05:13

Horror of non- sexual touching is an anglo-saxon peculiarity, isn't it.
My French hairdresser went NC with his Australian brothers-in-law over their unpleasant comments about his kissing his sons.
I had my anglo-saxon mind blown in Vietnam watching a man patting a policeman's arse repeatedly in an attempt to soothe him during a lively discussion over some motoring related problem.
A young Vietnamese woman confused me no end as she grabbed one of my tits to stuff it into a dress she was lending me, saying: "You have a beautiful body". But she was just being nice.
Talk of personal space originated in the US as far as I know.

Somerville · 14/04/2017 05:37

Any other Celts reading the oh-so-Anglo-Saxon replies like this Shock Confused Confused

My teenage DC are still very touchy-feels with me, OP, and I hope they still are when they're in their 20's.

DH is like this with his (non-British) MIL. Whereas with his English FIL he shakes hands rather than hugs. It's bizarre.

littleoldladywho · 14/04/2017 05:55

I assumed from your op you were going to wait for everyone to respond and then do a big drip feed that he has some sort of sn. Instead you just backtracked and said oh, no, realised you had over-egged it, and announced a perfectly ordinary relationship, which you are somehow turning into a lecture on the sadness of people who don't enjoy such relationships with their non-drinking non-smoking virgin offspring, and an attack on the unhealthiness of British Reserve. Weird. I've lived all over the world and your op was in no way indicative of any relationship I have witnessed between an NT adult child and their parent. Seen a lot of similar relationships with adult children with additional needs though.
But yeah. Um. Non thread then - your follow up reveals a boringly normal relationship. Well done on the amped up op to draw response. Mad click bait.

Roussette · 14/04/2017 07:22

Even though I've said how affectionate we all are with each other, I do think kissing an adult child on the lips is perhaps one step too far for me. We kiss on cheeks, hug, hold hands blah blah but none of them kiss me on the lips, I would find it odd.

MsJamieFraser · 14/04/2017 07:25

My 11 year old is constantly kissing and cuddling us, I hope he doesn't grown out of it tbh.

saracrewe2 · 14/04/2017 07:54

A friend of mine was married (both in 30's) and got divorced and cited her dh's strange behaviour in the divorce. She said he liked getting into bed with his mum occasionally when she stayed over and that he was 'touchy/feely' with his sister (hugs/holding hands etc) She was totally horrified by this, but IME her very strict christian upbringing skewed her ideas of normal/typical. Even as children they weren't allowed to leave the bedroom in pyjamas.

I once knew a guy who gave his sister (naked) massages which I thought was very odd. He thought it was perfectly justified as she was at uni so couldn't afford to pay anyone to do it Hmm

VintagePerfumista · 14/04/2017 08:39

Agree totally with littleoldlady.

I responded after the OP when we were led to believe that here we had a galumphing 20 yr old who sat on his mum's knee and held her hand when out and about.

But lo and behold, we don't. We have a bloke who gets on with his mother. And an attack on these so-called anglo-saxon mores. Hmm

I'm in the south of Italy (you know, where men kiss men etc (but only if they're straight)) and if any bloke behaved with his mother as the OP led us to believe her son did at first, then people would point and laugh.

PidgeonSpray · 14/04/2017 08:50

I think it's lovely. You should be very proud of him.

And ps I'm 36 (woman) and still give plenty of hugs, hold hands for a moment and (jokingly) sit on my mum's lap.

katronfon · 14/04/2017 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 10:43

Not sure it's something to be actively proud (or otherwise) about.

Sara getting into bed with parents as an adult is odd though Confused

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 11:05

littleoldlady
Well pardon me.
Some people read my op and understood what I meant.
Some people read my op and misinterpreted it, hence me then having to go into more detail.
Are you always this cynical?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 11:11

vintage
I didn't lead anyone to believe anything.....they did that all by themselves!
I posted a genuine question about is this normal?
Learning that mumsnet is a very cynical place.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 11:23

Some families find it normal
Some don't

As for MN being cynical... are you new here Grin

Moussemoose · 14/04/2017 11:24

Happy cynacism reflects on the cynicSmile

I am off to give my big boy a hug. Those of us with lovely boys know the sweet joy of an awkward cuddle from a son. The man child vulnerability that breaks your heart and makes you proud all at once.

I love my boys and I love their hugs.Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 11:34

Oh dear - I think I prefer cynicism to smugness Grin