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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with my son's behaviour

372 replies

Happyhippy45 · 13/04/2017 15:32

He sits beside me for a cuddle. Comes up to me and gives me hugs. He'll sit on my lap (kind of for a laugh as he's too heavy.)
Holds my hand when he's chatting to me.
He's friendly and out going and has always been comfortable and confident and a willing participant in conversations with adults and peers.
TBH he's always been like this.
He's nearly 20.
I had a family member being very disapproving of some of his behaviours because his son of the same age doesn't act like that.
Just wondered if anyone else has a son who behaves like this?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2017 23:52

My friend said it was weird that my 26 year old son says that he loves me. Why?! He doesnt say it all the time and rarely face to face but often he calls me for a chat when he is struggling as he is disabled and is living independently, which has challenges. We chat, I help where I can and he will say thanks, love you. Or FB message or text. I do the same.

I tell my parents I love them. Again not all the time but when it feels right to say it.

I grew up in a very emotionally stunted environment and was determined that my children would know that they are loved. By being like that with my children, my parents have become more open with their emotions so it has made a difference to us all. My sister and I are very open with how we feel about each other, which isnt always a good thing when one of us has pissed the other one off!

I see no issue here and I would be proud to have raised a son who wasnt ashamed of being tactile and open with the important people in his life :)

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2017 23:53

I should say ....
by ME being like that with my children, my parents have become more open...

hunibuni · 13/04/2017 23:55

Can I ask those who feel that it's weird or uncomfortable if they had a tactile relationship with their parents? Did you stop being tactile or did they discourage cuddles as you got older? My family arecuddlers and DH says he envys that because that's not the way he was raised. PIL are lovely but not huggers once the kids got to about secondary age and DH struggles at times with the idea of physical closeness between us (me and him) just for the sake of it. He's a huge hugger of DD but isn't as comfortable with hugging his older DDs unless there is a reason (sickness etc) and DS and him tend to do the sideways shoulder bump.

It's like he struggles to be able to show physical affection unless there is a purpose and he has said himself that he thinks it's partly because that's the way he was raised.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2017 23:58

My son doesnt drink or smoke either, can I join too?

He is also heavily into role playing games.

No, NOT that kind! Warhammer et al you pervs.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 00:02

No idea - my parents were tactile when I was a child and they are tactile with each other. I just loathe people touching me (with one or two exceptions). Unfortunately there are many tactile people who don't take into account that others aren't.

So adult relatives cuddling up? No, it's odd

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 00:03

And those whose children are tactile as adults - do they understand that not everyone is comfortable with it?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/04/2017 00:08

When my sons were little they used to get quite cross if I cuddled up to their dad. Sometimes they used to try to squeeze in the middle and force us apart so they could have me all to themselves. Grin
I hope your 20 year old has grown out of that! Otherwise your husband must feel a bit side lined.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 00:11

Happyhippy45 it's fabulous and he sounds like an amazing son.

The fact he tones it down when a girlfriend or date is present shows he knows she may not be comfortable with it, which is a good thing.

I am personally very tactile but I like to be tactile with people I know and love and if anyone said they didn't want a hug or whatever, that is totally fine.

Part of being tactile is, I think, knowing that not everyone likes it and knowing when it is appropriate etc.

My daughter hugs me loads but when she is with her friends she just glares as if to say, "don't embarrass me!" (But then she is younger than 20!)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 00:16

Part of being tactile is, I think, knowing that not everyone likes it and knowing when it is appropriate etc.

I really wish others were like you - I find it hard to say that I don't want a hug but it's pretty obvious, but still they think it's hilarious to go ahead.

If the DS tones it down when girlfriend is present, that also implies that he knows it's a little 'unusual'.

bumblingbovine49 · 14/04/2017 00:18

This is ALL cultural. Years ago I was slightly surprised when I went with my BIL to meet my 13 year old nephew after school (they lived in Italy) and he came out and hugged and kissed both my my BIL and me. When I looked around every child netting an adult was doing the same. DS (12) yrs old would die rather than greet me like that at the school gate. DS is very affectionate at home though. I really hope he is like the OPs don when he is older though I imagine not

hunibuni · 14/04/2017 00:18

I know DS does hug his mates, but from what I've seen of them in social sitiations, most of his friends are happy to hug each other and any gatherings where the parents are in attendance requires all the mums getting hugs from all the kids, which is kinda sweet. He never hugs anyone who doesn't want to and is always brutally honest if he doesn't want to be touched.

Peanutandphoenix · 14/04/2017 00:19

Nothing wrong with that he's just being affectionit I still hug and kiss my parents, my sister and my grandparents and I tell them that I love them and I'm 27 does that make me weird as well it's called showing affection.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 00:20

pyong
Nothing weird about telling family members you love them. It's not always easy fir everyone, including me.
It seems more common to have the drink and drug offspring nowadays.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 00:21

livia we are a tactile family, but only with each other. I am very much the type of person who gets the air kiss thing wrong! Someone I have never met will go for the moi-moi and I will end up kissing them on the eye because I dont know them so why would I kiss them? But I sort of go with it out of politeness as saying "FUCK OFF YOU SPACE INVADER!" is not considered ok, sadly!

If I met you I can assure you that it would be "hi, nice to meet you" and no physical contact at all.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 00:22

I mean offspring who don't do drink or drugs

OP posts:
bert3400 · 14/04/2017 00:22

As a mother to 4 boys he sounds lovely . Don't stress ..ignore the negatives and enjoy your lovely boy x

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2017 00:23

Pyong Perhaps we need a cultural shift to allow people to comment about space invaders Grin

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 00:24

He seems quite aware of boundaries re hugging etc. When he was younger he didn't. He hugged everyone in his family/close friends when greeting them. Some just accepted it and him

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 00:26

happy it took me until I was almost 40 before I got to the place where I could say it to my parents and my parents got ok with it at the same time. It came from me and my kids being openly "I love you smelly bum!" and them not actually being "spoiled" as a result, which my mother has admitted since she was told would happen if you cuddled or adored your kids too much :(

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2017 00:29

livia I heart Joan Collins for swerving a moi moi from Lily Allen! LA leaned in for a kiss and Joan said "I dont kiss people I dont know"!

I think we should get Tshirts and pin badges printed with that to avoid any confusion!

gettinfedduppathis · 14/04/2017 00:33

I had a friend like this, who used to sit on her dad's lap and was really affectionate towards him and her mum etc, like your ds. We lost touch when I moved away, but she was pushing 30 then, and still doing it.

BlueChairs · 14/04/2017 00:42

I'm a female and 22 and I act like this with my mum - my sister stopped around age 11 and my mum was really sad so I imagine I've just continued because of that. I'm happy with my actions.

Bettyspants · 14/04/2017 00:42

If my son behaves like yours at 19 I'll be incredibly happy! Sounds like you've raised a happy, balanced popular and effectionate son. your updates are a little different to the op but although his behaviour in op doesn't seem 'usual ' I really don't see how on earth it could be seen as wrong. Amazing quite how regressed some are in how they show affection (or don't!) to their closest loved ones. Be proud!

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 00:49

I think it is totally fine to just say, 'I don;t do hugs and kisses.' or whatever. You can offer a hand for a hand shake or a high five. I think it is all fine.

Zhan I think Little Britain was such utter shit. So very unfunny. This is so totally different to that.

I think it is so sad that a man being affectionate is viewed badly when we often say how we don't want to 'lose' our sons. It's clear the sitting on is for fun, a joke, and actually it's the funnyness of it, a big son sitting on a his smaller mum that makes it so sweet to me. I hope my son feels able to do that when he is 6 foot something!

Ceto · 14/04/2017 00:52

Good grief, I haven't heard that "Not my beeswax" expression since I was 12. It must be the school holidays.