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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with my son's behaviour

372 replies

Happyhippy45 · 13/04/2017 15:32

He sits beside me for a cuddle. Comes up to me and gives me hugs. He'll sit on my lap (kind of for a laugh as he's too heavy.)
Holds my hand when he's chatting to me.
He's friendly and out going and has always been comfortable and confident and a willing participant in conversations with adults and peers.
TBH he's always been like this.
He's nearly 20.
I had a family member being very disapproving of some of his behaviours because his son of the same age doesn't act like that.
Just wondered if anyone else has a son who behaves like this?

OP posts:

valeview · 14/04/2017 17:56

I hope you're not expecting grandchildren

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 17:56

yermammy

OP posts:

Policom123 · 14/04/2017 18:02

That sounds lovely and normal, when I was in uni a 20 years old used to kiss his father every time he sees him!i found strange at beggin, but they did have a lovely relationship, he could tell or ask anything and his father was there as his best friend! I think is lovely, people who doesn't know would find strange, but my mother would love us to do that to her, she doesn't see us as grown up! And I would love my kids do that do me! U must in a very good relationship with him and he trusts u!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 14/04/2017 18:03

Just hope he's not still doing it at 40!

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 18:03

123
I get you find it odd/shocking but can you put it into words?

Hugs from a 3 year old and a 19 year old are different.
The 20 year old is expressing his affection and sometimes giving support for his mum. He's a young adult and understands life isn't always easy and we all need a hug sometimes.

I think too many folks just think of Norman Bates and that sketch from Little Britain when they think of sons being close to their mothers. Why can't sons be close to their mums but daughter can?

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/04/2017 18:03

Going from your first post alone, that sounded really strange to me and I would not be comfortable with it at all.

Your updates makes it sound very lovely.

I grew up in a family where we were physically affectionate as youngsters but the older we got the less it happened. It's pretty much gone the same way with my own children. My 8 year old has loads of cuddles but the older ones don't. I would cuddle them if they wanted me to but they don't and I assume at some point I lessened the amount of physical affection through the years. BTW I was never under any doubt that my mum loved me, we just didn't show it through touch as I grew up and I can't remember the last time I hugged her.

I don't let my inlaws hug me either and they are very huggy people.

I have a very close relationship with my mum and my children. I speak to my mum every single day and tell her everything. My teens are very close to me and we have a lovely relationship where they can talk to me about anything, they are very open with me and honest and always come to me for emotional support. It just doesn't translate into physical affection any more.

123Gayle · 14/04/2017 18:04

Quite honestly- I'm a little jealous! My son is 17 and I'd love him to be a little more tactile. You've obviously got a great relationship and he's very comfortable in himself xx

RhodaBorrocks · 14/04/2017 18:09

Tbh even a daughter sitting on your lap or holding your hand whilst talking would be an unusual sight at 20.

Ah crap, I still do that with my DM and I'm 36 this year! I will also link arms with either of my DParents when out and about.

My DS is not overly affectionate (ASD, so the rare hugs are wonderful) but i remember XP still cuddled his DM and sat on her lap for a laugh at 24 (when I first met him). DS holds my hand in public when he is anxious but as he's 10 now I've suggested he may prefer my hand on his shoulder instead. He's not actually that bothered about how it looks though yet lol.

If you're both comfortable with it I don't see much of a problem, but some people will comment. It depends on where he's acting like this - at home I'd say no problem, but if he's holding your hand in public I'll admit I'd raise an eyebrow!

caramac04 · 14/04/2017 18:09

He clearly loves you and values your relationship. Probably going to make a great husband/partner who is comfortable showing affection. Might be uncommon behaviour but not weird.

SpookyPotato · 14/04/2017 18:13

I think it's lovely. Not usual but nothing wrong with it. Like someone said I wouldn't want to be his girlfriend
The only way I would think it is weird is if it was at the expense of friendships/dating/social life but it isn't.
Some people are so judgy.. why do we have to fit everyone into a little neat box of 'normality'

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/04/2017 18:19

I hope you're not expecting grandchildren because obviously hugging your mum is actually a form of contraception.

As I said up thread, my biggest brother and my DH are similar (and much older than 20) they've both managed to find wives and have kids, admittedly my other big brother hasn't but i suspect that's because of the vow of celibacy... Not all women are so insecure that they can't deal with their partner being close to their mum!

Also, where did the OP's son say children was something they even want? no one has a right to expect grandchildren, I would love to be a grandma one day, however it will be totally up to my DC if they want to have children, it is their lives after all!

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 18:20

U2hastheedge yeah not all close relationships have to have physical affection. I'm close with my sister but we only hug to fit in with everyone else

OP posts:

hotmessmom82 · 14/04/2017 18:23

I hope my 2 boys will still be like that with me when they are older. You obviously have a wonderful relationship.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 18:24

sparkly yeah, I thought that grandchildren comment was a bit harsh.

Personally alarm bells would ring if a partner of mine DIDN'T have a good relationship with his mum/family.

OP posts:

TheRealPooTroll · 14/04/2017 18:25

I think it all sounds very sweet apart from the hand holding when he's talking to you. That I would think was weird tbh. I've never seen anyone do that who is not either a child or saying their wedding vows.

SpookyPotato · 14/04/2017 18:25

Oh and definitely more reserved here in general aren't we.. I lived in the Middle East and Spain where adult kids are very openly affectionate with parents. It's lovely to see a dad hugging and kissing his adult son! I do think younger generations will get more and more affectionate here as we gradually get rid of the stiff upper lip and reservedness.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 18:26

...and I'm not "expecting" grandchildren. I'm far too young to be a granny anyway

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/04/2017 18:27

On the other hand, my husband will hug his parents and be affectionate with them but they can't actually talk about anything that matters. They look close from the outside but they aren't very good at actually talking and no problems get discussed ever. With my mum there is nothing I can't talk to her about. That surprised me because when I saw DH with his parents I assumed they had a great relationship due to the physical affection but emotionally there is very little there.

Having both an emotionally and a physically close relationship is lovely.

123yourusername · 14/04/2017 18:27

Happyhippy - in answer to that, no I can't really. I don't know why it's shocking.. it's just not something I'd feel was normal behaviour for what is supposed to be a young adult. It might be something to do with how I was brought up, I was never close to the family that brought me up for as long as I can remember, even 6/7 years old I'd never cuddle family, I never had affection or given affection so I don't know, maybe it's to do with that. I do also struggle with relationships and showing affection a lot so maybe it's me that's not normal I agree with a PP, your updates make it sound a lot better, the original post was what I found a bit 😮..

Fairysnuff321 · 14/04/2017 18:30

Hahaha sounds well balanced funny and affectionate. Able to express emotion, and have a laugh winding up people who need it.

You should tell him to be more aggressive and stop expressing emotions as this is only for girls/women. Well according to some replies anyway.
I wish my husband had been brought up this way.

robinia · 14/04/2017 18:37

Sounds a bit like one of my sons. I've been known to pick him up and carry him too!
Doesn't hold my hand but the other behaviours are the same.
Some of it is for a laugh - like the picking up and carrying.
But mostly he's just naturally affectionate. He is the same with his brothers.

Lovelymess · 14/04/2017 18:38

Doesn't sound immature at all!!
It sounds absolutely lovely and as if you have a lovely relationship together. Really don't see the problem

LaurieF · 14/04/2017 18:38

OP he sounds lovely. My DS is nearly 13 and very affectionate and if he still showed as much affection towards me at 20 I would be very happy. Ignore the negative comments, it sounds like you two have a very special relationship x

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 14/04/2017 18:38

U2hastheedge yeah I get on well with my son on both levels but he opens up to his dad more about things to do with dating etc.....but he's not physically affectionate with him......

OP posts:

highneeds · 14/04/2017 18:40

That sounds lovely, he sounds fab x

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